^..> 


THE  UNIVERSITY  OF 

NORTH  CAROLINA 

LIBRARY 


THE  WILMER  COLLECTION 

OF  CIML  WAR  NOVELS 

PRESENTED  BY 

RICHARD  H.  WILMER,  JR. 


THE 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr  Papers 

Are  now  comprised  in  three  volumes,  uniformly  bound,  price  $1.50, 
each  sold  separately,  entitled : 

FIRST  SERIES, 

SECOND     SERIES, 

THIRD     SERIES. 


To  say  that  these  criticisms  of  Orpheus  C.  Kerr  are  universally  known,  ad- 
mired, and  laughed  over,  would  be  superfluous.     Their  inimitable  wit 
and  sarcasm  have  made  the  author  famous,  and  since  his  let- 
ters have  been  published  in  book  form  their  circu- 
lation on  both  sides  the  Atlantic  has  been 
enormous.     ***  Copies  will  be 
sent  by  mail  free,  on 
receipt  of  price, 
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by 

e.   Vr.    CAKIL-ETOX,    PabUsher, 
Xew  ITork.. 


Orama  of  the   period.       Grand    Pas    d^'ARGUMENT 

by    principal    a^tis^       To    which   are   added    bird's-eve 
views   o^"  the   Negro  and   Corkasian   races. 


Smoked    Glass 


ORPHEUS 'C.    KERR, 

AUTHOR  OF  "ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS,"  "AVERY  GLIBUN,"  ETC. 


WITH  ILLUSTRATIVE  ANACHRONISMS  BY  THOMAS  WORTH. 


^ 


NEW    YORK: 
p.     W.      Cap>j.eton,      Publishei\. 

LONDON:    S.   LOW,    SON,   &   CO. 

ISIDCCCLXVni. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1868,  by 

GEO.    W.    CARLETON, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  for  the  Southern  District  of  New 
York. 


ROCKTTKLL  &  ROLLINS,   SXEBEOTTPEHS  AlTD  PBnrTEES, 

122  Washington  Street,  Boston. 


■^CONTENTS, 


Verba  Sesquipedalia 


LETTER  I. 


Narrating  a  pleasing  Anecdote  of  New  Jersey;  describing  the  friendly 
Visit  of  an  exciting  Journalist  to  an  able  military  Candidate  for  the 
Presidency;  noting  the  disinterested  Organization  of  the  "Grand 
Mackerel  Army  of  the  Republic;  "  and  giving  the  truly  American 
Song  and  Story  with  which  that  Organization  was  partly  celebrated,        17 

LETTER   11. 

Illustrating,  by  a  moral  Connecticut  Tale,  the  Fallacy  of  that  political 
Inspiration  which  is  derived  from  the  Graves  of  great  Men ;  pictur- 
ing the  solemn  Impeachment  of  A.  Johnson  at  the  Bar  of  the 

^      Senato,   and  showing  the  great  public   Demoralization  ensuing 

therefrom, 37 

LETTER   III. 

Wherein  our  Correspondent  not  only  introduces  a  fashionable  Washing- 
tonian  Belle,  but  also  audaciously  takes  Advantage  of  a  Delay  in 
Impeachment  to  address  himself  exclusively  to  the  stylish  young 
Maidens  of  the  Period,  ........        49 

LETTER   IV. 

Explaining  the  surprising  Equanimity  of  a  Nation  under  complicated 
Misfortunes  by  the  parallel  Case  of  a  great  Philosopher  of  the 
Sixth  Ward;  confessing  the  inexplicable  Levity  produced  by  the 
honest  Sentiments  of  a  solid  Boston  Man;  and  celebrating  the 
Grand  Opening  of  the  Theatre  of  War  with  the  Spectacular  Drama  . 
of  Impeachment, •        .        .        65 


VI  CONTENTS. 


LETTER  V. 


Introducing  an  impecunious  but  loyal  Southern  Cavalier;  depicting  a 
gorgeous  stage  Procession  in  the  mighty  Spectacle  of  Impeach- 
ment; reporting  the  unexampled  and  Convincing  inaugural  Argu- 
ment of  Manager  Butler,  and  the  visible  Consternation  of  nervous 
Auditors  thereat, 77 


LETTER  VI. 

Which  Attempts  the  sublime,  but  succeeds  to  a  certain  Extent  only;  yet 
quotes  favorite  Passages  from  the  prevailing  Drama  as  they  are 
being  simultaneously  ground  out,  to  great  Applause,  by  "Organs" 
all  about  the  Country, 


LETTER  VII. 

Charging  the  Radicals  with  the  continued  and  exasperating  wet 
Weather ;  setting  forth  the  great  Wrong  done  to  the  Conservative 
Kentucky  Chap;  repeating  a  Conversation  in  the  Boxes  and  Scene 
on  the  Stage  of  the  Theatre  of  War;  remarking  the  first  of  the 
Soliloquies  for  the  Defence;  and  announcing  a  Visit  from  the  dire- 
ful "  Ku-Klux  Klan," 96 


LETTER  VIII. 

Chanting  an  astonishing  Lay  in  honor  of  clear  Weather  once  more ;         4^ 
irreverently  likening  the  stately  Abode  of  Congress  to  a  Stomach; 
mentioning  an  attempted  Speculation  with  Captain  Samyule  Sa- 
mith,  in  real  Estate,  at  Taikachor  Court  House;    and  sampling 
Andrew  Nelson's  Soliloquy, 107 


LETTER  IX. 

Being  a  veracious  Account  of  the  unparalleled  Match  against  Nature  by 
the  "American  Proof-Reader "  and  the  "Boston  Marvel;  "  and 
its  inevitably  tragical  Termination,       .  ....       119 


LETTER  X. 

Moralizing  upon  the  certain  Result  of  Vice-Presidency;  giving  the 
curious  Epitaph  of  a  victim  of  Eloquence;  presenting  the  principal 
Gems  of  a  Guano  Matinee;  and  recording  the  Enthusiasm  of  the 
Populace  over  the  last  of  the  Impeachment  Speeches,    .         .         .130 


CONTENTS.  VII 

LETTER   XI. 

Taking  a  hopeful  View  of  the  Future  of  American  Art;  aTording  valu- 
able Hints  to  the  coining  great  Historical  Painter;  and  showing 
how  a  sudden  and  unprecedented  Outbreak  of  Morality  caused  a 
lamentable  "  Hitch  "  in  the  great  final  Transformation  Scene  of  the 
majestic  Drama  of  Impeachment, 140 

LETTER  XII. 

Narrating  the  sudden  Journey  of  our  Correspondent  and  Others  to  the 
South  on  a  Mission  of  Reconstruction;  illustrating  tho  usual  Gym- 
nastic Perils  of  American  Railroad  Travel ;  and  portraying  how  the 
writer  and  Captain  Villiam  Brown,  Eskevire,  were  received  by  a 
renowned  Confederacy, 1^0 

LETTER  XIII. 

Ushering  in  the  Lady  of  the  Chateau  with  all  tho  Forms  and  Graces; 
introducing  Croquet  and  one  of  its  usual  Results;  and  recording 
the  direful  Mistake  of  an  unsuspecting  Union  OlBcer,     .         .         .163 

LETTER  XIV, 

Chronicling  the  arrival  of  P.  Penruthers  as  a  Suitor;  the  ancient  feudal 
Ceremonies  thereat;  and  the  dreadful  Demeanor  of  the  Nobility  at 
the  ensuing  Banquet, *"2 

LETTER  XV. 

Citing  an  Incident  of  the  Southern  Postal  Service;  interpolating  an 
Impeachment  Note  from  Washington,  and  a  vague  Wordsworthian 
Parody;  and  "conservatively"  touching  upon  the  Presidential 
Nomination  of  the  last  Mackerel  General  by  a  classical  Convention,       182 

LETTER  XVI. 


Showing  how  a  disloyal  Telegraph  did  pervert  and  mispunctuate  the 
Mackerel  General's  "Letter  of  Acceptance ;" and  spiritedly  depict- 
ing the  great  Munchausen  Hunt  and  its  lame  ntable  Ending, 

LETTER  XVII. 

Illustrating  the  tremendous  extraneous  Influence  of  large-sized  Names ; 
and  describing  the  most  passionate  and  contemptuous  Love  Scene 
ever  beheld  in  fashionable  Southern  Society  by  a  Yankee  Varlet, 


194 


206 


VIII  CONTENTS. 


LETTER  XVni. 

Casually  explaining  the  unique  Latin  Motto  of  an  ancient  House;  but 
chiefly  devoted  to  a  brilliant  Chivalric  Tournament,  and  showing 
how  the  Nobility  and  Gentry  demeaned  themselves  on  that  knightly 
Occasion, 215 

LETTER  XIX. 

Paying  a  handsome  Tribute  to  Woman ;  introducing  a  Bride,  and  Prepa- 
rations for  the  Bridal;  giving  the  Origin  and  Plan  of  Chipmunk 
Cathedral ;  sketching  a  grand  Southern  Ritualistic  Wedding ;  and 
showing  how  our  Correspondent  was  once  "  up  to  Snuff,"        .         .       225 

LETTER  XX. 

Recording  a  Day's  Excursion  up  the  Potomac;  analyzing  a  Straw- 
berry Festival,  and  reporting  some  of  the  Orations  at  Susper 
College  Commencement, 240 

LETTER  XXI. 

Which  dilates  upon  the  military  Mind  as  affected  by  Southern  Experi- 
ence ;  shows  how  a  deserving  Southern  Unionist  was  fearfully  and 
wonderfully  tried  by  Mackerel  Court-Martial ;  and  explains  how 
Captain  Munchausen,  being  fully  Reconstructed,  sent  Greetings  to 
the  United  States  of  America,  and  terminated  this  eventful 
History, 249 

Appendix, 259 


Smoked   Glass. 


o>^c 


VEEBA   SESaUIPEDALIA. 

"  A  FEW  words  by  way  of  introduction,"  —  as  an  author 
frequently  remarks,  with  much  native  ease  of  manner, 
when  about  to  astonish  such  weak-minded  readers  as  pe- 
ruse prefaces,  with  some  pages  of  strictly  moral  informa- 
tion. 

Instruction  as  to  the  finely  subtle  significance  of  cer- 
tain passages  in  the  appended  work,  which  but  for  such 
explanation  might  seem  to  have  no  particular  meaning  at 
all,  is,  of  course,  the  apparent  purpose  of  those  few 
words;  but,  in  a  majority  of  cases,  it  is  their  genuine 
intent  to  hint,  very  clearly,  that  the  author  of  the  book 
should  not  be  ignominiously  forgotten  in  the  book  itself, 
and  that  he  takes  this  opportunity  to  step  casually  before 
the  curtain  of  Chapter  I.,  and  be  modestly  surprised  at  the 
ensuing  applause. 

Having  devised  the  sinister  plan  of  inserting  his  signa- 
ture a  full  score  of  times  in  the  historical  volume  which 
is  herewith  submitted  to  the  public  at  a  remarkably  low 
price,  the  present  writer  may  forego  the  solemnity  of  such 
sentences  as,  "  The  more  thoughtful  reader  scarcely  need 


10  book-buyer's  revenge. 

be  told  that  the  following  pages  have  a  deeper,"  etc. 
"  Something  bejond  the  mere  frivolous  amusement  of  an 
idle  hour  is  intended  bj,"  etc.  He  may  also  venture  to 
stop  addi'essing  ''the  reader"  in  terms  (inasmuch  as 
that  poor-spirited  title  applies  as  well  to  editors,  studious 
inmates  of  charitable  institutions,  and  other  persons,  who 
never  pay  for  books,  as  to  the  really  solvent  individual  who 
patronizes  the  bookseller),  and  inscribe  what  he  has  here 
in  store  to  the  honest  retail  book-buyer. 

As  the  honest  retail  book-buyer  now  scanning  this  page 
has,  presumedly,  committed  himself  beyond  all  redemp- 
tion by  paying  for  the  volume  beforehand,  it  is  scarcely 
worth  while  to  treat  even  him  with  any  particular  cere- 
mony; and  if  the  absence  of  any  farther  propitiatory 
phrases  should  happen  to  strike  him  as  a  sign  of  disrespect, 
he  is  hereby  coldly  authorized  to  get  back  his  money  —  if 
he  can.  Nothing  being  certain  in  this  world,  however, 
and  the  failure  of  a  high-handed  outrage  of  the  latter  kind 
coming  within  the  range  of  human  possibilities,  it  is  to  be 
hoped,  for  the  sake  of  his  family,  that  he  will  not  make  a 
fool  of  himself  in  the  event  of  ill  success,  but  quietly  sub- 
mit to  the  inevitable  and  go  on  with  his  reading.  He  has 
the  book,  the  bookseller  will  not  take  it  back  again ;  and 
if  his  bad  temper  thereat  must  have  some  vent,  let  him 
seize  the  first  opportunity  to  recommend  a  similar  purchase 
to  his  mother-in-law.  RBf 

Not  to  trifle  with  the  miserable  man  any  longer,  and  ^W* 
supposing  his  possession  of  any  intelligence  whatever  to  be 


SMOKED    GLASS.  11 

purely  a  matter  of  vague  conjecture,  let  it  be  explained 
for  his  instruction,  that  when  his  superiors  wish  to  behold 
an  Eclipse  of  the  Sun,  or  any  other  solar  entertainment, 
without  injury  to  their  eyes,  they  use  Glass  which  has  been 
Smoked;  and  that  this  sensible  medium  of  astronomical 
vision  not  only  protects  the  human  sight  from  harmful 
confusion  of  objects,  but  also  presents  to  it  the  celestial 
luminary  freed  from  all  extraneous  glare  and  rigidly  re- 
duced to  his  true  proportions.  Viewed  through  such  a 
medium,  the  gorgeous,  blazing  sun,  undergoing  eclipse, 
looks  lamentably  like  an  apothecary's  most  lurid  show- 
bottle  suffering  serious  encroachment  from  a  dinner-pot, 
and  the  revelation  is  calculated  to  impress  feeble  minds 
with  the  conviction  that  all  is  not  sun  that  glitters.  Tak- 
ing his  idea  from  the  device  and  its  popular  effects,  the 
author  of  the  present  volume  has,  for  seven  years  past, 
studied  a  variety  of  our  most  dazzling  national  achieve- 
ments through  a  piece  of  Smoked  Glass,  with  results  not 
less  actually  strengthening  to  the  eye  than  astonishingly 
lessening  to  the  brilliance  and  apparent  magnitude  of  the 
military  and  political  pageants  surveyed.  The  ingenuous 
mind  becomes  positively  confounded  at  the  singularly 
minute  proportions  to  which  much  of  the  most  brilliant 
generalship,  patriotism,  and  statemanship  is  reduced, 
when  thus  stripped  of  the  refractions  of  partisan  prejudice 
and  journalism,  and  commended  in  its  simple  realities  to 
the  undazzled  sight.  To  such  pitifully  small  objects,  in- 
deed, are  they  often  resolved  by  the  process,  that  a  record 


12  PRECIPITATE   DOINGS. 

of  them  in  relatively  diminished  terms  might  fail  to  make 
them  visible  at  all ;  and,  hence,  to  render  them  clearly 
perceptible  to  others,  the  recorder  is  compelled  to  magnify, 
or,  as  the  critical  cant  goes,  exaggerate  them. 

So  far  as  Burlesque  means  Perversion  or  Distortion  of 
facts,  the  pages  of  this  book  do  not  come  properly  under 
that  name.  The  flaw  in  the  iron  of  the  boiler  which  holds 
the  really  great  peril  of  future  explosion  is  that  which  the 
magnifying  glass  only  can  detect ;  and  the  flaws  in  Pa- 
triotism and  Statesmanship,  which  most  seriously  menace 
the  stability  of  a  nation,  must  be  magnified  (or  exagger- 
ated, if  you  will)  to  the  capacity  of  popular  vision,  in 
order  that  they  may  be  recognized  in  time.  The  writer 
has  precipitated  brilliant  events  and  personalities,  in  Wash- 
ington and  in  the  South,  through  a  carefully  prepared 
piece  of  Smoked  Glass,  and  then  magnified  the  reduced 
precipitates  only  so  much  as  was  requisite  to  make  their 
organic  characteristics  patent  to  the  weakest  sight.  Thus, 
the  pageant  of  Impeachment  is  truly  given  as  the  culmi- 
native  scene  of  a  feud  between  Representative  Thaddeus 
Stevens  and  President  Andrew  Johnson ;  the  able  and 
dexterous  Opening  Argument  of  Manager  B.  F.  Butler  is 
presented  in  its  absolute  meaning,  rather  than  in  its  os- 
tensible design ;  the  pomp  of  the  presiding  Chief  Justice 
is  shown  to  have  been  coldly  tolerated,  rather  than  in  any 
sense  practically  respected ;  the  passiveness  of  the  nation 
is  shorn  of  its  philosophical  lustre  and  explained  in  its  true 
significance  ;  the  patriotic  vehemence  of  partisan  journal- 


SMOKED    GLASS.  13 

ism  of  to-day  is  set  forth  as  it  will  be  judged  to-morrow ; 
and  the  lame  conclusion  of  the  drama  is  attributed  to  a 
cause  at  least  as  credible  and  apparently  logical  as  the  one 
generally  assigned  for  it.  The  same  fidelity  to  concrete 
actuality  may  be  asserted  for  the  sketches  of  such  repre- 
sentative sectional  characters  as  Captain  Villiam  Brown, 
from  cosmopolitan  New  York;  the  conservative,  from 
Kentucky;  the  solid  Boston  man;  the  loyal  Southern 
Munchausen,  etc. ;  and  if,  in  treating  of  the  concentrative 
national  life  at  Washington,  the  author  has  not  felt  at 
liberty  to  ignore  the  notorious  local  coloring  which  some- 
times comes  in  bottles,  he  has,  at  least,  involved  it  in  a 
tenderness  of  phraseology  which  should  not  offend  the 
most  decorous. 

Kecalling  the  honest  retail  book-buyer  to  the  stand,  and 
once  more  sneering  at  his  palpable  stupidity  in  requiring  so 
much  prefatory  explanation,  it  may  be  hinted,  that  the  de- 
scription of  Reconstructional  life  in  the  Southern  comic 
States,  is  intended  as  a  logical  sequel  to  the  first  half  of  the 
history.  When  not  beheld  through  a  piece  of  Smoked 
Glass,  the  South  has  hitherto  presented  an  effulgence  of 
lordly  state  and  chivalry  which  few  dreamed  of  attribut- 
ing to  the  inordinate  reflection  and  refraction  of  female 
novelists  and  heavy  mortgages.  Even  before  the  rebel- 
lion, a  well-smoked  glass  would  have  enabled  the  thought- 
ful observer  to  trace  much  over-dazzling  to  the  latter; 
but  now,  the  same  medium  diminishes  a  race  of  haughty 
cavaliers  to  a  community  of  woefully  attired  impecuni- 
2 


14 


A   CONTINUED    TAIL. 


aires,  and  reveals  their  growing  eclipse  bj  empty  dinner- 
pots  under  the  delays  of  Reconstruction.  Only  the  other 
day,  the  writer  received  from  a  person  signing  himself 


Lucius  Natura 


the  followino;  is  a  fac-simile :  — 


a  curious  anatomical  drawing,  of  which 


Accompanying  which  was  a  letter,  wherein  Lucius  de- 
clared that  a  friend,  in  Georgia,  had  sent  him  from  that 
State  the  fossil  remain  indicated  by  the  shaded  imrt  of 
the  drawing,  and  that,  from  thence,  he  (Lucius)  had,  by 
zoological  induction,  supplied  other  portions  of  the  extinct 


SMOKED    GLASS.  .  15 

animal.  ''Mj  immediate  impression,"  wrote  Lucius, 
"  was  that  the  fossil  (dug  up  in  the  extreme  South,  bj- 
the-bj)  was  nothing  more  than  the  hinder  portions  of  some 
enormous  dog  (Genus — Ganinus  tremendihus  —  Lin- 
nneus),  which  is  represented  by  the  symbol  K.  I.  —  a 
fallacy.  I  next  assigned  it  to  the  Beaver  tribe  (Genus  — 
Tilelus  —  Buffon;  or  Plugus  —  Descartes;  or,  perhaps, 
Kohus  Cover oe.)  By  unmistakable  indications,  I  per- 
ceived that  the  animal  was  assimilated  to  the  lowest 
7'odents^  which,  says  Cuvier,  are  possessed  of  the  least 
intelligence  of  all. 

''Goldsmith  says:  'The  beaver  seems  to  be  now  the 
only  remaining  monument  of  brutal  society.  From  the 
results  of  its  labors,  ivMcli  are  still  to  he  seen  in  the 
remote  parts  of  A7nerica,  we  learn  how  far  instinct  can 
be  aided  by  imitation.  We  from  thence  perceive  to  what 
degree  animals,  without     ....     reason,  can  concur 

for   their  mutual   advantage When   alone, 

the  beaver  has  but  little  industry,  ....  and  is 
without  cunning  sufficient  to  guard  it  against  the  most 
obvious  and  bungling  snares  laid  for  it.' 

"In  short,  I  am  sure  that  my  construction  of  the 
animal  is  correct,  and  that  it  belongs  to  the  beaver 
tribe." 

The  present  historian  was  much  pleased  with  this 
triumph  of  the  naturalist,  and  particularly  admired  the 
mild  eye  of  the  restored  animal ;  but  happening  to  think 
of  his  Smoked  Glass,  he  quickly  brought  that  to  bear  up- 


16  us   OF   THE    NORTH. 

on  the  drawing,  and  was  astounded  to  discover  that  the 
reconstructed  fossil  was  nothing  more  than  a  Map  of  Vir- 
ginia, the  Carolinas,  Georgia,  Florida,  Alabama,  and  Mis- 
sissippi, taken  apart  from  the  rest  of  the  country  and 
turned  on  end ;  and  that  the  mild  eye  merely  indicated 
the  capitol  of  the  first-named  State. 

From  this,  it  will  be  perceived,  that  the  Southern  comic 
States  have  no  protection  from  outrage,  while  Reconstruc- 
tion, from  whatever  cause,  is  delayed.  As  the  writer 
knows,  from  recent  personal  observation,  through  a  proper 
medium,  at  Chipmunk  Court  House,  they  yearn  eagerly 
for  peace,  and  the  withdrawal  of  our  military  vandals ; 
they  desire  early  investments  of  Northern  Capital  with 
them  on  good  bond  and  mortgage ;  and,  now  that  the 
fiercest  gust  of  passion  is  over,  the  more  advanced  of  them 
would  even  prefer  the  supremacy  of  the  African,  to  being 
ruled,  like  us  of  the  North,  by  the  Corkasian. 

0.  C.  K. 


LETTER   I. 

NARRATING  A  PLEASING  ANECDOTE  OF  NEW  JERSEY;  DESCRIBING  THE 
FRIENDLY  VISIT  OF  AN  EXCITING  JOURNALIST  TO  AN  ABLE  MILITARY 
CANDIDATE  FOR  THE  PRESIDENCY ;  NOTING  THE  DISINTERESTED  ORGAN- 
IZATION OF  THE  "GRAND  MACKEREL  ARMY  OF  THE  REPUBLIC;"  AND 
GIVING  THE  TRULY  AMERICAN  SONG  AND  STORY  WITH  WHICH  THAT 
ORGANIZATION  WAS  PARTLY  CELEBRATED 

Wasuington,  D.  C,  March  4,  1868. 

Now  that  old  Winter  has  been  impeached,  on  charge  of 
poking  his  snows  into  all  manner  of  things,  and  despot- 
ically endeavoring  to  bring  our  whole  excellent  Republican 
organization  to  its  sneeze ;  now  that  icicles,  like  D.  Sick- 
les, have  ceased  being  hangers-on  around  the  House,  and 
gone  to  vapor  all  about  the  country  ;  now  that  one  in  his 
goings  can  distinguish  between  his  toes  and  froze,  and  get 
a  little  hoarse  from  some  other  cause  than  having  caught 
colt ;  —  it  is  pleasant  to  see  fair  Nature  preparing  to  don 
her  new  Spring-bonnet  for  a  promenade,  and  trying  on  a 
veil  of  fog  now  and  then  to  study  the  effect ;  and  it  is  also 
pleasant  to  travel,  at  this  dustless  season  of  the  year, 
especially  after  you  have  passed  beyond  the  limits  of  New 
Jersey. 

Whoever  has  made  the  passage  to  this  city,  my  boy, 
must  have  noticed  that,  soon  after  the  starting  of  the  train 
from  New  York,  all  the  passengers  became  inexpressibly 

2*  17 


18  THE   SCOFFER   ADVISED. 

melancholy  of  visage,  and  devoted  the  most  absorbing  at- 
tention to  the  extreme  backs  of  the  hats  on  the  next  seat. 
If  some  innocent  foreigner,  or  other  emigrant,  in  the  car, 
chanced  (while  hastily  flying  from  the  water-cooler  under 
the  impression  that  it  was  the  boiler)  to  remark  upon  this 
freak  of  nature,  the  nearest  native  exclaimed,  in  a  chilling 
whisper:  '-'Hush!  Mr.  Hep  worth  Dixon,  ^*  hush!  "We 
are  now  passing  through  the  State  of  Camden  and  Amboy, 
and  if  we  look  out  of  the  windows  we  shall  be  charged 
for  it."  Whereupon  a  deep  shudder  of  terror  ran  through 
the  entii-e  vehicle,  and  Mr.  Dixon  made  a  memorandum  in 
his  note-book,  to  say,  in  his  next  exciting  volume  on 
"America,"  that  the  Jerseymen  all  had  '-Spiritual 
Wives,"  and  allowed  no  through-passengers  to  look  into 
their  second-story  windows,  going-by,  without  paying 
for  it. 

Through  being  generally  mistaken  for  the  pig-pasture 
and  cabbage-patch  of  New  York,  the  arable  Dutchy  of 
New  Jersey  has  not  always  received  that  amount  of  for- 
eign notice  which  our  more  complacent  editors  delight  to 
quote  from  the  columns  of  engaging  English  journals ;  but 
the  day  will  come  —  mark  me,  scoffer  !  —  the  day  will 
come,  when  her  name  shall  appear  in  every  dictionary  in 
the  world —  as  a  synonym  for  '*  Economy." 

The  vegetable  interests  of  my  dining-table  made  me 
acquainted,  last  summer,  with  a  Jerseyman  of  innumerable 

*  Mr.  HepM'ortli  Dixon,  of  the  London   "Athenaeum;"  author  of   "New 
America/'  "  Spiritual  Wives,"  and  other  chaste  works  of  imagination. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  19 

cucumbers ;  and,  after  recovering  from  the  cholera  which 
he  had  sold  me  at  not  more  than  the  usual  friendly  per- 
centage over  the  highest  market-price,  I  went  to  his  place 
to  board,  for  the  recovery  of  my  health,  at  rather  more  per 
week  than  an  own  mother-in-law  would  have  charged. 
He  was  a  Jerseyman,  full  of  deep  love  for  nature,  espe- 
cially when  she  could  be  sold  for  so  much  a  load,  a  basket, 
or  a  small  measure ;  and  was  even  so  fond  of  animated 
creatures  that  he  cheerfully  encouraged  all  his  neighbors 
to  keep  chickens,  and  buy  corn  for  them  from  him.  ''  And 
those  sweet  little  English  sparrows  that  are  flying  about 
now-a-days,"  says  he  to  me,  —  "I  love  them  because  they 
are  the  works  of  my  Maker ;  and  I  see  that  five  hundred 
of  them  are  advertised  for,  to  be  taken  West,  for  which  a 
reasonable  sum  would  be  paid.  How  can  I  encourage  the 
pretty  creeturs  to  flutter  softly  about  my  door?  "  Much 
moved  by  his  beautiful  enthusiasm,  I  suggested  that  a  lit- 
tle bird-seed,  placed  upon  a  board,  would  attract  the  valu- 
able warblers.  He  smiled  feebly  at  me,  and  says  he : 
"  The  seed  would  cost  something,  and  I'm  afeared  they'd 
eat  it.  I  suppose  you  haven't  got  a  little  seed  about  you, 
that  you'd  let  me  have,  without  wanting  it  deducted  from 
your  board?"  Of  course  I  had  not;  and  for  a  whole 
week  that  admirer  of  the  feathered  works  of  his  Maker  was 
a  mournful  man.  Suddenly,  however,  he  brightened  again 
amazingly;  and  early  one  morning,  when  an  astounding 
twittering  had  called  me  to  the  front  of  the  house,  I  found 
him  cheerfully  laughing  to  himself  under  a  board  upon  a 


20  IN   MEDIAS    RESIDENCE. 

window-sill,  around  which  some  scores  of  sparrows  were 
making  much  melody.  ''What!"  exclaimed  I,  "have 
you  really  bought  the  seed  at  last,  and  put  it  on  the  sill  ? 
How  could  you  afford  it?  ■'  He  caught  me  by  the  lappel 
of  my  coat,  and  slapped  his  leg,  gleefully ;  and  says  he : 
"  H*sh — sh  !  don't  speak  so  that  they  can  hear.  There's 
some  seed  up  there,  to  be  sure;  but  i'ye  glued  it  fast 
TO  the  board  !  " 

Perhaps  I  should  not  have  remembered  the  circum- 
stance, but  for  the  fact  that  the  representative  of  that  same 
gentleman's  district  in  Congress  is  about  to  present  his 
State's  retraction  of  her  former  assent  to  the  only  civilized 
Constitutional  Amendment*  we  have  had  in  a  year.  Some 
States  go  too  far  to  the  Republican  extreme,  and  some  too 
far  to  the  Democratic ;  but  you  must  look  to  New  Jersey, 
if  you  would  find  the  golden  "  mean." 

Pondering  this  reminiscence  en  route,  I  succeeded  in 
reaching  the  Capital  without  experiencing  that  unnatural 
disposition  to  mid-day  slumber,  which  generally  attends 
the  intervening  approach  to  Philadelphia  on  the  way. 
Philadelphia  produces  some  very  creditable  firemen,  and 
will  probably  be  a  quite  lively  place  when  the  final  confla- 
gration of  things  occurs ;  but,  in  the  mean  time,  it  curi- 
ously resembles  some  of  those  placid  California  fruits, 
which  will  keep  growing  larger  and  larger  just  so  long  as 
you  choose  to  leave  them  alone,  and  are  seldom  troubled 

*  The  Fourteenth  Amendment. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  21 

with  enough  distmctive  flavor  to  tell  whether  they  are 
ordinary  pumpkins,  or  extraordinary  apples. 

Once  again  established  in  Washington,  and  in  my  old 
room  at  Willard's,  I  find  little  of  merely  local  importance 
to  note  immediately,  save,  perhaps,  the  number  of  former 
Southern  confederacies,  who  daily  haunt  the  White  House  of 
our  reigning  sovereign,  A.  Johnson,  Rex  tailor onis^  and 
take  numerous  Pardons  at  his  expense.  These  haughty  no- 
blemen are  quite  affable  once  more  in  general  society,  and 
seem  ready  to  negotiate  fresh  mortgages  even  with  rich  rep- 
tiles from  New  England ;  yet  it  cannot  be  denied  that 
they  still  look  with  eyes  of  fire  upon  such  of  our  national 
vandals  in  military  attire  as  they  chance  to  behold  around 
the  War  Office. 

But  if  the  well-known  Southern  Confederacy  has  reason 
to  feel  more  or  less  indignation  against  our  former  strate- 
gic national  troops  for  exploding  the  incendiary  musket 
against  her,  she  may  find  much  inexpressible  comfort,  my 
boy,  in  contemplating  the  dreadful  retribution  now  visited 
upon  the  head  of  the  last  General  of  the  Mackerel  Bri- 
gade by  the  pleasing  emissaries  of  an  incorrigible  daily 
press.  The  other  day,  an  affable  and  exhaustive  corre- 
spondent of  one  of  our  more  exciting  morning  journals, 
having  learned  that  the  General  was  under  orders  to  be- 
come President  of  the  United  States  in  1869,  went  cheer- 
fully to  his  private  residence  to  make  inquiries  concerning 
his  character,  and  ascertain  his  views  of  the  freed-negro 
race.     Reaching  the  chamber  of  the  great  man,  where  the 


22  ACCORDION   TO    HIS   FOLLY. 

latter  sat  practising  upon  the  accordion,  this  gifted  and 
friendly  correspondent  first  glanced  over  two  or  three  pri- 
vate letters,  which  were  Ijing  upon  a  desk  near  the  window, 
and  then  says  he,  — 

"  Although  attached  to  a  journal  which  gains  ten  thou- 
sand in  circulation  per  week,  I  am  inclined  to  regard  jou 
as  an  equal,  and  shall  only  publish  such  portions  of  your 
correspondence  with  your  family  as  may  be  interesting  to 
our  female  readers.  I  find  here,"  says  he,  opening  a 
drawer  in  the  desk,  and  smiling  agreeably,  "a  penknife, 
with  which  I  will  pare  my  nails,  while  asking  you  such 
questions  as  the  nation  is  determined  to  have  answered. 
Firstly :  What  is  your  income  for  the  current  year,  and 
how  is  your  grandmother's  sprained  ankle?  " 

The  veteran  attentively  regarded  the  middle  knuckle  of 
his  right  hand,  and  performed  "Ever  of  Thee,"  on  the 
accordion. 

"I  see,"  went  on  this  cheerful  correspondent,  "that 
your  servant  has  just  brought  in  your  breakfast,  and  I 
don't  know  but  I  will  try  one  of  those  eggs  myself 
While  I  am  eating  I  shall  trouble  you  to  tell  me  what  you 
spend  a  year  for  clothes,  and  also  what  property  your 
wife  brought  you.  The  people  of  the  country  are  natu- 
rally anxious  to  have  these  matters  clearly  explained  at 
once,  and  any  equivocation  will  tend  only  to  depreciate 
our  bonds  abroad,  and  disappoint  a  legitimate  curiosity  at 
home." 

The  great  soldier  fixed  his  glance  earnestly  upon  a  spot 


SMOKED    GLASS.  23 

near  the  middle  of  the  ceiling,  and  executed  "  Oh,  ask  me 
not,"  with  dreamy  effect. 

'^  I  will  try  one  of  your  cigars,  for  a  change,"  said  the 
able  correspondent,  going  to  the  box  on  the  shelf ;  '^and 
while  I  am  looking  for  a  match  in  the  pocket  of  that  waist- 
coat of  yours,  hanging  on  that  nail,  you  might  tell  me  how 
many  marriageable  nieces  you  have ;  and  also,  how  much 
you  contribute  toward  the  support  of  your  unmarried  aunt. 
The  general  public  will  scarcely  be  satisfied  with  anything 
but  the  most  direct  replies  to  these  queries ;  and  if  you 
will  also  inform  me  what  you  gave  for  your  last  dozen  of 
shirts,  I  shall  feel  obliged." 

The  hero  now  took  a  deep  interest  in  the  left-hand  cor- 
ner of  the  table  near  him,  and  softly  evolved,  ''Come, 
rest  in  this  Bosom,"  from  his  eloquent  instrument  of 
music. 

"  You  are  doubtless  quite  ready,"  continued  this  engag- 
ing correspondent,  abstractedly  dressing  his  hair  with  a 
comb  and  brush  from  the  bureau,  ''to  state  how  much  you 
allow  your  wife  for  keeping  house,  and  how  much  you  ex- 
pect to  make  this  year.  Upon  these  points,  of  course, 
your  fellow-countrymen  expect  explicit  information;  nor 
must  I  forget  to  ask  how  you  stand  regarding  the  extension 
of  suffrage  to  the  freed-negro  race?  " 

Here  the  famous  veteran  slowly  arose  from  his  chair, 
carefully  laid  his  accordion  upon  the  table,  and  —  winked. 
Then  he  quietly  lifted  a  cat  from  the  floor,  deliberately 
blew  a  ridge  in  her  fur,  and  dexterously  extracted  there- 


24  G.    M.    A.    R. 

from,  with  thumb  and  finger,  an  agile  triumph  of  the  in- 
sect kingdom.  Thus  supplied,  he  advanced  upon  the 
affable  and  exhaustive  correspondent,  led  him  smilingly  to 
the  door  by  an  arm,  delicately  deposited  the  insect  in  his 
right  ear,  and  closed  the  interview. 

And  this  subject  naturally  leads  me  to  consider  the 
''Grand  Mackerel  Army  of  the  Republic,"  which  was 
organized  here  on  Tuesday  evening,  by  certain  ofiBcers  of 
the  great  strategic  Brigade,  and  the  inaugural  meeting  of 
w^hich  I  had  the  honor  to  attend.  The  organization  is  for 
the  purpose  of  promoting^  the  Presidency  of  the  above 
General,  keeping  alive  the  memory  of  those  feats  of  arms 
and  legs,  without  which  we  should  not  now  be  on  hand  as 
a  nation,  and  securing  for  the  most  strategical  officers  of 
our  late  forces  that  marked  political  recognition  so  neces- 
sary to  persons  who  propose  becoming  governors,  post- 
master, or  successful  clergymen.  The  meeting  was  held 
in  the  immediate  neighborhood  of  a  bar-room ;  so  that,  in 
case  of  fire,  water  might  be  readily  attainable ;  and  I  was 
pleased  to  exchange  greetings  once  more  with  Captains  Yil- 
liam  Brown  and  Samyule  Sa-mith,  Sergeant  O'Pake,  and 
the  thoughtful  Mackerel  Chaplain. 

The  object  of  the  organization  having  been  stated  by  a 
waiter,  and  the  memory  of  those  of  our  comrades  who  have 
married  since  the  war  having  been  drank  in  silence,  the 
next  toast  in  order  was,  —  - 

''Our  Native  Land.'-' 

To  this  Sergeant  O'Pake  responded.     He  said  that  our 


SMOKED    GLASS.  25 

Native  Land  was  open  to  all  Irishmen,  whether  they  came 
from  Italy,  Poland,  or  Hungary ;  and  that  even  to  Ameri- 
cans it  offered  some  advantages.  When  we  spoke  of  our 
Native  Land,  however,  we  particularly  meant  the  refuge 
of  the  foreign  martyr  of  freedom  ;  of  him  who  believed  that 
Man  must  be  Free,  no  matter  what  he  was  indicted  for, 
and  never  hesitated  to  break  jail  in  demonstration  of  that 
immortal  truth.  He  —  the  speaker  —  could  not  better 
answer  the  last  toast,  than  by  presenting  a  rhythmical 
statement  of  the  woes  of  the  general  foreign  refugee  of 
Freedom ;  and,  while  giving  the  body  of  the  sad  tale  in 
Irish,  that  it  might  seem  more  like  home  to  Americans,  he 
had  also  sufficiently  flavored  the  strain  with  various  foreign 
tongues  to  make  it  suit  the  general  and  everlasting  martyr 
of  tyranny.     He  begged  leave,  therefore,  to  recite,  — 

THE  UNIVERSAL  EXILE'S  LAMENT. 

Attind  to  me,  mother,  while  loud  I'm  complaining, 

And  bend  your  swato  eyes  more  eomplately  to  hear; 
For  weakness  of  voice  is  just  all  I  am  gaining, 

Locked  up  in  a  jail,  with  no  comrade  to  cheer. 
Te'll  say  it's  from  jail  that  I'm  always  a- writing, 

Ah,  true  is  the  story  — pieta  di  me  ! 
And  now,  as  before,  what  has  caused  my  indicting 

Is  just  my  insisting,  that 

Man  MUST  be  free  ! 

But  twinty  years  old  was  my  age  as  I  reckon, 
When  one  of  my  friends  had  his  landlord  to  pay; 

And  quick  we  agreed,  o'er  a  bottle  of  whiskey. 
To  settle  the  rint  with  shillalies  in  play. 


26  FROM    BAD    TO    VERSE. 

It's  somebody's  head  that  I  cracked  in  a  jiffy,  — 
My  own  sunny  France,  I  was  striking  for  theo  !  — 

And  straight  to  a  prison  les  tyrans  conveyed  me. 
Despite  my  protesting  that 

Man  MUST  be  free  ! 

I  served  like  a  baste  through  my  period  penal, 

Wi'  a'  the  composure  auld  Reekie  inspires  ; 
And  spake  to  the  judge  in  his  altitude  venal, 

As  one  in  whose  bosom  were  liberty's  fires. 
Then  home  I  repaired;  but,  before  I  got  thither, 

A  bit  of  a  mob  made  me  join  in  their  glee  ; 
It's  government  houses  we  burned,  and  some  people. 

To  prove  we  were  drunk,  and  that 

Man  MUST  be  free  ! 

Myself  did  they  take,  with  some  dozens  of  others, 

And  gave  us  a  trial  for  trayson  indade ; 
And  sintinced  us  all,  right  in  sight  of  our  mothers, 

To  cross  the  wide  ocean  with  fetters  and  spade. 
Not  ein  hohes  wort  was  in  all  of  their  charges  : 

But  stern  was  the  Justice,  and,"  Pris'ner,"  says  he, 
**  How  came  you  to  join  in  this  burning  and  stealing  ?  ** 

"  To  show,"  says  I,  boldly,  "  that 

Man  MUST  be  free  ! " 

TVlien  safely  arrived  at  the  scene  of  our  labors, 

I  found  the  Commandant  quite  gintly  inclined ; 
He  singled  mo  out  from  the  midst  of  my  neighbors. 

And  softly  I  gave  him  a  piece  of  my  mind  : 
"I'm  sickly,"  says  I,  "and  have  nade  of  indulgence, 

Nor  will  I  abuse  it  if  given  to  me." 
He  trusted  my  word  and  indulged  me,  per  Baccho, 

And  soon  I  escajied,  because 

Man  MUST  be  free  ' 

Then  straight  to  this  country  I  fled  for  protection. 
And  wasn't  I  hailed  as  a  patriot  born  ? 


SMOKED    GLASS.  27 

They  asked  me  to  stand  for  a  local  election,  — 

But  such  a  small  ofTor  I  treated  with  scorn. 
And  soon  did  I  join,  with  an  energy  aygur, 

Some  gintlemen  proud  as  it's  aisy  to  be, 
Who  went  into  fighting  for  keeping  the  naygur, 

And  showing,  per  Dio,  that 

Man  MUST  be  free  ! 

Bad  luck  to  it  all  !  'twas  a  bating  they  gave  us, 

And  Allah  il  Allah  !  was  all  I  could  say  ; 
Prom  starving  down  South  there  was  nothing  to  save  us 

And  I  was  not  slow  about  coming  away  : 
It's  not  for  a  pardon  I'd  ask  of  the  rulers. 

Nor  yet  would  I  seek  from  the  country  to  flee ; 
For  what  could  they  do  in  a  real  republic 

To  one  who  said  only  that 

.    Man  MUST  be  free  ! 

Not  troubled  at  all  in  me  mind  for  the  morrow, 

I  turned  my  attintion  to  matters  of  State ; 
And  so,  having  failed,  to  my  infinite  sorrow. 

In  fighting  the  nation,  took  comfort  of  fate. 
'Twas  right  in  the  midst  of  advising  the  rulers 

Just  how  they  should  act  to  the  South,  and  to  me,  — 
When  "  Credat  JudcEus  /"  they  say;  and  I'm  taken 

To  jail,  though  explaining  that 

Man  MUST  be  free  ! 

Sure,  mother,  but  Liberty's  all  a  delusion. 

And  Italy,  Hungary,  Poland,  and  I, 
Can  only  be  kept  in  eternal  confusion 

By  hoping  for  landlords  and  despots  to  die. 
So,  here  let  me  say,  in  the  musical  tongue  of 

My  own  native  Venice  —  Venite  per  me  ! 
It's  most  of  me  time  that  I'm  spending  in  prison, 

And  all  from  insisting  that 

Man  MUST  bo  free  ! 


28  NEW    ENGLAND  HORSEPITALITY. 

After  -we  had  all  applauded  the  touching  verses  as  well 
as  our  tears  of  sympathy  would  permit,  and  expressed  our 
sincere  regret  that  we  could  not  all  be  Irishmen,  the  next 
toast  was  offered,  — 

^'The  Last  General  of  the  Maickerel  Brigade  —  Our 
next  President." 

As  I  had  been  selected  to  honor  this  sentiment,  and 
really  knew  no  presidential  qualification  that  the  General 
possessed,  save  his  well-known  fondness  for  horse-flesh  (and 
consequent  supposable  understanding  of  the  common  wheel), 
I  merely  paid  a  passing  tribute  to  his  skill  with  the  accor- 
dion, and  related  a  story  of  that  horse-y  State, 

VERMONT. 

Possibly  you  have  never  happened  to  hear  of  such  a 
town  as  Twinkleton  before ;  and  so  I  am  careful  to  state 
that  it  is  within  sound  of  the  whistle  of  the  train  that 
"  breaks-up  "  at  Bellows  Falls,  Vermont,  and  that  its  prin- 
cipal hotel  for  man  and  beast  is  somewhat  afflictive  to  the 
digestions  of  those  travellers  whose  stomachs  look  upon 
apple-pie  three  times  a  day  as  something  in  the  nature  of 
a  persecution.  You  say  to  the  stage-di'iver,  at  the  railway 
station,  that  you  wish  to  go  to  Twinkleton ;  and,  if  you 
happen  to  wear  a  scarf-pin  with  the  head  of  a  coral  horse 
upon  it,  he  will  induce  you,  by  a  scries  of  the  most  ingen- 
ious devices,  to  distrust  the  comfort  of  the  "  insides,"  and 
ride  upon  the  box  with  him. 

"  You're  going  to  buy  a  horse  up  there,"  says  he,  turn- 


SMOKED    GLASS.  29 

ing  the  reins  in  his  hand,  and  glancing  from  your  scarf-pin 
to  your  city  hat. 

"  No,  sir  !  "  you  say,  rather  sharply;  for  you  have  an 
idea  that  you  look  vastly  above  anything  horsey,  and  wish 
your  general  get-up  to  be  considered  impressive. 

"Well,  then,"  says  the  driver,  ''of  course  you  must  be 
going  to  'Squire  Maple's ;  so  there's  no  use  of  my  talking 
to  you  abaout  that  ere  nigh-pacing  mare,  I  s'pose." 

He  can't  conceive  the  possibility,  can't  the  driver,  of  any 
other  destination  for  you  in  Twinkleton  than  'Squire  Ma- 
ple's ;  and  you  instinctively  feel  that  a  request  on  your 
part  to  be  put  down  at  any  other  mansion,  or  at  the  hotel, 
would  at  once  entail  upon  you  the  suspicion  of  coming  to 
buy  a  horse  secretly,  and  subject  you  to  some  pretty  heavy 
boring  in  regard  to  the  nigh-pacing  mare. 

Such  a  state  of  things  will  seem  to  indicate  that  no  mas- 
culine visitor  to  Twinkleton  is  safe  from  buying  a  horse, 
unless  he  stops  at  'Squire  Maple's.  This  is  true;  and  I 
defy  any  unarmed  single  gentleman  of  my  acquaintance 
to  pass  a  night  in  Twinkleton  without  having  a  steed  forci- 
bly sold  to  him  by  somebody  before  morning.  In  a  wider 
sense,  it  will  seem  to  indicate  that  'Squire  Maple's  is  the 
mansion  of  Twinkleton.  This  also  is  true,  and  makes  me 
quite  anxious  to  lead  my  friends  thither  without  further 
preface. 

Taking  upon  ourselves  mantles  of  invisibility,  we  boldly 
enter  the  hospitable  door  of  this  celebrated  house,  and  are 
quite  surprised  to  find  host,   hostess,   daughters,   and  a 


30  HALE   AND    FARE   WELL. 

young-man  visitor  named  young  Mr.  Blinders,  very  heart- 
ily -welcoming  that  delicious  specimen  of  a  girl  who  came 
up  in  the  stage  with  us. 

"My  dear  Maggie  Pye,"  say  both  of  the  old  folks  at 
once,  "  we're  so  glad  to  see  you.  How  did  you  leave  pa 
and  ma  ?  Mr.  Blinders,  this  is  our  niece  from  New  York, 
Miss  Pye." 

Young  Mr.  Blinders  ducks  his  head  with  great  emotion, 
turns  very  red  in  the  face,  and  puts  both  of  his  hands  still 
deeper  into  his  pockets. 

A  smile  of  rather  cruel  amusement  is  beginning  to  curl 
brightly  from  the  corners  of  Miss  Pye's  charming  mouth, 
when  her  cousins,  Cassandra  and  Minerva,  commence  to 
tear  off  her  "things,"  like  affectionate  young  w^ild-cats, 
and  she  permits  Mr.  Blinders  to  go  uncrushed  for  the 
nonce. 

Questions,  answers,  and  hugs  run  riot  for  ten  minutes ; 
after  which  there  is  a  hasty  washing  of  hands  and  smooth- 
ing of  locks,  and  then  dinner  is  officially  announced  by  a 
young  woman  who  has  seen  better  days,  —  or,  at  least, 
days  when  there  would  not  be  so  many  plates  to  wash. 

The  table  is  substantially  and  generously  furnished, 
though,  perhaps,  the  presence  of  doughnuts  as  an  entree 
and  apple-pie  as  a  vegetable,  might  not  be  considered  or- 
thodox in  Fifth  Avenue.  It  is  a  table  to  make  one  feel  at 
a  glance  that  the  natural  act  of  eating  is  a  plain,  honest, 
hearty  act,  not  to  be  entered  upon  with  any  mawkish  pre- 
tences of  bird-like  pecking.     Down  they  all  sit,  and  the 


SMOKED    GLASS.  31 

'squire  helps  to  corned  pork  and  doughnuts  all  around; 
after  which  delicate  operation  he  starts  up  the  talk. 

"  "Well,  Maggie,  did  you  have  a  nice  ride  up?  I  won- 
der whether  George  drove  the  roans,  or  the  grays,  to- 
day?" 

"  The  roans  —  I  seen  'em." 

This  from  joung  Mr.  Blinders,  who  is  immediately  con- 
scious of  having  committed  an  indiscretion,  and  knocks 
over  a  tumbler  of  water  with  his  elbow  by  way  of  helping 
matters. 

' '  Is  George  the  driver's  name  ? ' '  says  Maggie.  ' '  Why ! 
don't  you  think,  uncle,  he  thought  I  was  coming  to  Twin- 
kleton  to  buy  a  horse,  and  confidentially  offered  to  sell  me 
a  pacing  mare  !  " 

"  0  Cassandry!"  says  Minerva,  appealing  to  her  sister, 
"only  think  of  Mag's  buying  a  horse  out  of  her  own 
pocket !  " 

He !  he  !  from  Minerva,  to  accompany  the  ha  !  ha  !  of 
'Squire  Maple,  to  accompany  the  hor  !  hor  !  hor  !.of  young 
Mr.  Blinders. 

"Well,  I  tell  you  what  it  is,  girls,"  says  Maggie, 
shaking  her  curls;  "pa's  given  me  a  hundred  dollars  to 
spend,  and  I'm  more  than  half  a  mind  to  buy  a  dear  an- 
gel of  a  saddle-horse  with  it.  I  do  love  horseback  riding 
so  much,  and  our  coupe  horses  aint  fit." 

"  I  say,  Miss  Pye  —  " 

This  from  young  Mr.  Blinders,  whose  speech  is  sud- 
denly checked  by  a  nudge  from  Miss  Minerva,  and  a  mag- 


32  PICKED    MEN. 

ical  removal  of  his  pocket-handkerchief  from  the  table#to 
his  pocket. 

^'Ah,  Maggie,  my  girl,"  says  the  'squire,  ''I  consider 
myself  responsible  for  you  now,  and  shan't  let  you  run 
through  your  fortune  in  that  way." 

Miss  Pye  is  about  to  respond  with  some  playful  defi- 
ance, when  she  is  surprised  at  receiving  a  most  sinister 
and  complicated  wink  from  the  right  eye  of  young  Mr. 
Blinders. 

The  impudent  booby  !  she  thinks.  How  dare  he  !  But 
she  is  too  good-natured  to  take  serious  offence,  and  begins 
to  plan  some  choice  fun  at  his  expense. 

Dinner  is  over,  and  young  Mr.  Blinders  lingers  around 
the  room  in  speechless  clumsiness  until  the  chatter  be- 
comes deafening,  when  he  springs  convulsively  from  his 
chair,  makes  a  gape  at  Miss  Pye,  as  though  about  to  utter 
something  remarkable,  and  then  goes  home. 

Thereupon  his  peculiarities  are  all  picked  to  pieces,  as 
are  those  of  all  gentlemen  who  have  just  left  the  company 
of  ladies ;  and  Miss  Maggie  Pye  rollickingly  avows  that 
she  has  made  a  conquest  of  him  already,  and  intends  to  do 
him  brown.  The  Misses  Cassancba  and  Minerva  make  a 
show  of  defending  him;  but  the  general  conclusion  is, 
that  he  was  born  expressly  to  be  made  an  example  of  for 
the  warning  of  all  presumptuous  young  men.  It  is  nearly 
eleven  o'clock,  p.  M.,  when  the  question  is  finally  settled, 
and  then  all  the  little  dears  retire  to  a  double-bedded  dor- 


SMOKED    GLASS.  33 

mitorj  upstairs,  and  in  a  vivacious  discussion  of  the  Fash- 
ions talk  themselves  delightfully  to  sleep. 

Next  day  young  Mr.  Blinders  comes  to  dinner  again, 
and  lingers  through  the  afternoon,  and  manages  to  ask 
Miss  Pye,  in  a  blood-curdling  whisper,  if  she  is  "going  to 
be  scared  out  of  it  by  them  Mapleses?  " 

In  utter  bewilderment  Maggie  is  about  to  come  out  with 
a  Good  gracious  me  !  when  young  Mr.  Blinders  abruptly 
bolts  out  of  the  house,  and  leaves  subsequent  laughter  to 
serve  as  a  flattering  comment  on  his  fragmentary  style  of 
wooing.     Oh,  such  a  goose  ! 

On  the  following  morning,  however,  he  comes  not  long 
after  breakfast,  when  the  Misses  Cassandra  and  Minerva 
—  whose  excellent  parents  luill  pronounce  their  names  as 
though  spelled  with  a  final  y  —  artfully  manage  to  leave 
Miss  Pye  alone  in  the  dining-room  with  him. 

Five  minutes,  —  ten  minutes,  —  fifteen  minutes,  —  and 
the  front  door  is  heard  to  close  after  somebody,  and  Miss 
Pye  comes  tearing  upstairs  to  the  girls'  room  with  her 
curls  fairly  on  end. 

"0  Gassy  and  Minny !  "  says  she,  "it's  too  funny! 
What  do  you  think  ?  He's  asked  me  to  elope  with  him, 
and  I've  agreed  !  " 

"What!" 

"Yes !  Says  he  to  me,  ^I  say,  Miss  Pye,  you  aint  a 
going  to  be  watched  and  governed  by  these  Mapleses  — 
be  ye  ?  '  Of  course  I  told  him  '  No  !  '  And  then  says 
he  —  oh,  dear,  it's  too  funny,  though  !  —  says  he,  '  Then 


34  SCAN   MAG    PYE  ! 

all  you've  got  to  do  is  to  meet  me  out  at  the  road-gate  to- 
night after  the  Mapleses  is  abed,  and  then  we'll  take  the 
liberty  of  doing  as  we  please,  with  our  own  horse  and  our 
own  money.'  Now,  girls,  we  must  keep  up  the  fun,  you 
know ;  and  I  want  both  of  you  to  hide  behind  those  two 
poplars  down  by  the  gate  to-night  and  hear  me  rig  your 
country,  beau." 

The  Misses  Cassandra  and  Minerva  are  at  first  disposed 
to  decline  any  part  in  such  a  conspiracy ;  but  pcmember 
in  time  that  they  have  been  called  "these  Mapleses"  as 
well  as  their  parents,  and  determine  to  witness  the  down- 
fall. 

Night  comes ;  seven  o'clock ;  eight  o'clock,  ma  goes  to 
bed ;  nine  o'clock,  pa  says  he  must  go  to  bed ;  ten  o'clock, 
and  pa  does  go  to  bed.  Half-past  ten  o'clock,  and  the 
Misses  Cassandra  and  Minerva  are  behind  the  poplars,  and 
Miss  Pye  is  at  the  appointed  gate.  In  five  minutes  there- 
after young  Mr.  Blinders  suddenly  emerges  from  the 
dense  shade  of  two  trees  across  the  road,  and  cautiously 
approaches  the  wicket. 

'■'•  I  say.  Miss  Pye  !  "  in  a  whisper. 

"Well,  sir,"  responds  Maggie,  timidly,  quite  alarmed 
for  a  moment  as  the  magnitude  of  her  joke  flashes  upon 
her. 

"Shall  we  go  to  him,  or  shall  I  bring  him  here?" 
whispers  young  Mr.  Blinders,  with  great  self-possession. 

He  means  the  clergyman,  thinks  Miss  Pye.  I  ought  to 
be  ashamed  of  myself  to  fool  the  poor  fellow  so,  I  de- 


SMOKED    GLASS.  35 

clare ;  but  I"  11  put  him  out  of  his  misery  at  once,  and  as 
delicately  as  I  can. 

''No,  Mr.  Blinders,"  she  says,  ''I  cannot  go  with 
you.  In  an  aiFair  of  this  kind  my  parents  should  he  con- 
sulted—" 

"I  say,  Miss  Pye,"  interrupts  young  Mr.  Blinders, 
"it's  only  them  Mapleses  that  could  come  between  us  in 
this,  and  it  aint  none  of  their  business,  anyhow.  All  I 
ask  is  the  hundred  dollars  that  old  Maples  wanted  to  be 
responsible  for,  you  know?  " 

*'  Sir !  "  says  Miss  Pye,  horror-stricken  at  such  mer- 
cenary frankness. 

"Just  let  me  show  him  to  you,  you  know.  I've  got 
him  nigh  under  that  tree  over  there,"  says  young  Mr. 
Blinders,  incoherently. 

"  Him  ?     What  do  you  mean  ?  "  shrieks  Miss  Pye. 

"Mean?"  says  young  Mr.  Blinders,  ''why,  just  the 
very  saddle-horse  for  your  hundred  dollars." 

"I  thought  you  wanted  to  run  away  with  me!" 
screamed  Miss  Pye,  quite  forgetting  herself. 

There  is  a  sound  in  the  air  as  of  the  emphatic  naming 
of  a  Holy  City  of  the  Orient;  in  fact,  the  emphasized 
syllables  are  those  of  "Jerusalem  !  "  and  a  manly  form  is 
seen  in  the  faint  moonlight  to  make  rapid  strides  across 
the  road. 

"  Teh  —  tch  —  tch  —  he  !  he  !  he  !  "  comes  from  one 
poplar  tree  inside  the  gate. 


36 

"  Teh  —  tch  —  tch  —  te-he  !  te-he  !  "  comes  from  be- 
hind another  poplar  tree  inside  the  gate. 

Two  plump  female  shapes  come  from  behind  two  poplar 
trees  inside  the  gate  and  surround  a  third  female  shape, 
while  a  swift  horseman  clatters  furiously  past  the  outside 
of  the  gate,  and  disappears. 

0  Miss  Pje  !  Miss  Margaret  Pye  !  how  are  jou  now, 
mj  pretty  dear?  "What's  this?  AYhere  are  you?" 
Why,  this  is  the  hand  of  your  Cousin  Minerva  trying  to 
pour  some  more  water  into  your  mouth ;  and  you  are  in 
—  Vermont  ! 

At  the  termination  of  this  jockeylar  story  in  honor  of 
the  known  equineinity  of  the  subject  of  the  toast,  there 
was  much  hearty  laughter  by  everybody  except  those  be- 
side myself;  but  the  hilarity  was  both  general  and  un- 
seemly when  I  subsequently  spoke  in  terms  of  glowing 
eulogy  concerning  one  whose  sterling  worth  was  yet  to  be 
acknowledged ;  w^hose  qualification  for  the  most  renumera- 
tive  oflSce  could  not  be  questioned;  and  whose  name  — 
said  I  —  is  Oepheus  C.  Kerr. 


LETTER    II. 

ILLUSTRATING,  BY  A  MORAL  CONNECTICUT  TALE,  THE  FALLACY  OF  THAT 
POLITICAL  INSPIRATION  WHICH  IS  DERIVED  FROM  THE  GRAVES  OF 
GREAT  men;  PICTURING  THE  SOLEMN  IMPEACHMENT  OF  A.  JOHNSON, 
AT  THE  BAR  OF  THE  SENATE,  AND  SHOWING  THE  GREAT  PUBLIC 
DEMORALIZATION  ENSUING  THEREFROM. 

WAsniNGT02T,  D.  C,  March  12,  1868. 

As  we  survey  Old  Age,  mj  boj,  through  a  piece  of 
Smoked  Glass,  and  observe  its  impressive  use  of  colored 
silk  handkerchiefs ;  as  we  note  how  much  respectability  it 
can  express  in  a  sonorous  cough,  and  how  much  knowl- 
edge of  our  own  inmost  thoughts  and  insignificant  youth- 
fulness  it  can  impress  upon  us  with  the  gleam  of  its 
remorseless  spectacles,  — as  we  survey  and  note  these  things, 
I  say,  we  must  indeed  feel  inspired  with  abject  reverence 
for  all  that  is  past  sixty,  and  refuse  to  consider  a  scratch- 
wig  and  gold-headed  cane  in  any  way  detrimental  to  the 
hoary  majesty  of  the  patriarch. 

But  if  these  mere  externals  of  benignant  longevity 
make  us  feel,  by  comparison,  like  superfluous  babes,  what 
tender  sensations  lift  the  soft  mist  of  nature's  distillations 
to  our  eyes,  when  we  see  the  tranquil  hearts  of  the  old 
clinging  one  to  another  in  a  friendship  as  deep  and  quiet 
as  the  long  sleep  in  which  they  must  soon  be  still !  By 
that  intuitive  sympathy  which  makes  natural  friends  of 
4  37 


38  Hic ! 

all  men  when  thej  stand  together  upon  the  verge  of  a 
land  equally  strange  to  all,  the  withered  hand  clasps 
strong  the  withered  hand  on  the  borders  of  an  unexplored 
Eternity. 

In  a  village,  on  the  blue  Connecticut,  where  young  shad 
are  salted  and  sold  for  the  best  No.  1  Mackerel,  and  ne- 
gro suffrage  is  considered  an  insidious  device  of  federal 
tyranny,  —  in  this  Arcadian  hamlet,  where  innocence  exists 
to  a  degree  that  is  oppressive  to  the  senses,  —  I  once  knew 
two  venerable  men,  whose  friendship  for  each  other  I  have 
never  seen  equalled,  save  by  that  of  Secretary  Seward  for 
the  Czar  of  Russia.  For  years  they  had  peregrinated 
together  in  this  vale  of  tears,  until  they  actually  became 
as  like  as  brothers,  even  in  physical  aspect.  The  nose  of 
one  had  the  same  caloric  hue  with  the  nose  of  the  other. 
The  breath  of  one  exhaled  the  aroma  of  a  liquid  of  the 
tropical  isles,  only  to  exactly  counterfeit  the  West  Indian 
fragrance  labiated  by  the  other.  Even  in  the  manage- 
ment of  their  tumblers  they  were  like  a  man  and  his 
glass ;  and  one,  who  remembered  having  seen  them  sober 
once  (when  they  wer^  children),  said  that  they  seemed 
much  drawn  together  whenever  they  got  into  the  same 
wagon. 

At  last  one  of  them  died  suddenly  of  a  distracted  pan- 
orama of  black  monkeys,  and  was  placed  in  the  village 
graveyard,  under  a  stone  bearing  the 'simple  Latin  inscrip- 
tion^'Hic!" 

The  survivor  uttered  no  lamentations ;  his  only  words 


SMOKED    GLASS.  39 

for  a  week  were  but  reiterations  of  the  one  syllable  of  his 
friend's  epitaph;  yet  he  shed  tears  to  an  extent  which 
(inasmuch  as  he  never  touched  water)  made  his  frequent 
falls  the  evident  result  of  ''drop"-sy.  One  night,  while 
returning  in  great  mental  anguish  from  a  protracted  in- 
terview with  the  glass-clerk  of  the  village  hotel,  he  was 
attacked  with  great  violence  by  both  sides  of  the  road, 
and  driven  irregularly  into  the  wayside  inclosure  where 
rested  his  ancient  friend.  And  upon  that  friend's  grave 
did  he  sadly  stretch  himself;  nor  was  the  touching  pathos 
of  the  act  lessened  by  his  simple-hearted  belief  that  he 
was  retiring  to  bed  at  home,  nor  by  his  broken  utterance 
of  the  word, — 

'' Wairzerquilt?  " 

At  morn  they  found  him  there,  roused  him  from  his 
slumber,  and  rudely  dragged  him  before  the  'squire. 

''  What  is  the  matter  with  you?  "  -asked  the  latter. 

The  bereaved  old  man  leaned  heavily  upon  a  constable 
for  support,  under  his  emotion,  and  said  solemnly,  — 

^'Isht'zfriendship." 

''  And  is  it  friendship,  too,  which  makes  you  speak  in 
that  thick  way  ?  "  queried  the  'squire. 

"  Yeshir,"  murmured  the  aged  mourner,  —  "  Yeshir  !  " 

"  I  am  afraid,"  added  the  magistrate,  ''  that  you  are  in- 
toxicated." 

The  venerable  pftsoner  smiled  seraphically ;  but,  hap- 
pening to  remember  himself,  he  immediately  frowned  ter- 
ribly. Then  he  smiled  very  violently  again,  and  laid  himself 


40  A    GRAVE    CONTAGION. 

more  comfortably  upon  the  constable.     After  -which,  he 
repeated  his  friend's  epitaph  several  times  —  with  tears. 
■   "  Noshir,"  said  he,  —  ''  noshir  !  " 

"How,  then,  does  it  happen,"  went  on  the  'squire,  "that 
you  are  found  in  your  present  condition?  " 

"Condizh'n?"  ejaculated  the  venerable  Damon,  form- 
ing his  lips  suddenly  into  the  shape  of  a  very  tight  rose, 
and  swaying  majestically  —  "  Condizh'n?  Did  you  know 
my  fren',  shir?  lie  was  a  drink' nman.  Yeshir  ! — an' 
I  caught  it  from  siz-siz-szleepin'  on's  grave  !  "' 

I  was  reminded  of  this  small  and  excellent  Connecticut 
tale  on  Wednesday  morning  last,  when  the  Venerable 
Gammon  laid  bare  his  benignant  heart  to  such  inalienable 
worshippers  as  had  just  invited  him  to  take  a  brevet  with 
them  at  the  bar  of  Willard's  Hotel. 

"My  childi-en,"  said  the  aged  benefactor  of  the  uni- 
verse, smiling  mournfully  at  the  boiled  slice  of  lemon 
which  he  was  about  to  swallow  from  a  goblet,  ' '  my  chil- 
dren, when  I  compare  the  Union  of  to-day  with  the  Union 
formed  by  my  old  friend,  George  "Washington,  I  feel  that 
the  present  is  not  the  past,  and  that  the  abyss  toward  which 
we  are  di'ifting  is  the  chasm  whither  our  footsteps  tend. 
If  to  feel  thus  is  to  be  disloyal,"  said  the  Venerable 
Grammon,  with  much  oily  effulgence  of  double-chin,  ' '  then 
was  the  male  parent  of  his  country  disloyal ;  for  I  breathe 
but  the  warning  spirit  of  the  great  SFeeper  at  Mount  Ver- 
non." Whereupon  everybody  admitted  that  Washington 
was,  indeed,  rather  less  ruinous  than  our  present  sagacious 


SMOKED    GLASS.  41 

Congress  to  everything  national  whatsoever ;  and  it  was 
proposed  to  present  an  immediate  service  of  plate  to  the 
friend  of  the  Pater  2^citria. 

It  is  sweet  and  soothing  to  know,  my  boy,  that  those 
who,  by  virtue  of  inexpressibly  superior  years,  or 'recent 
political  snubblings,  are  placed  upon  the  particular  watch- 
towers  of  the  country,  —  it  is  sweet  and  soothing,  I  say, 
to  know,  that  vigilant  watchers  like- those,  can  detect  com- 
ing Ruin  at  such  a  very  long  distance ;  that  we  are  allowed 
plenty  of  time  to  avert  it  if  we  choose  —  by  letting  them 
ruin  us  beforehand. 

Thinking  of  this,  I  was  upon  the  point  of  leaving  the 
place,  when  a  Republican  chap  of  much  forehead  called 
for  another  brevet,  and  says  he," — 

''The  Union  of  to-day  has  been  turned  into  a  howling 
wilderness  of  irredeemable  paper  money  by  the  presidential 
treachery  of  our  former  tailor.  Men  and  brethren !  " 
exclaimed  this  earnest  chap,  wildly ;  ''  it  is  Andrew  John- 
son who  has  wrought  this  inexpressible  woe,  which  noth- 
ing but  Impeachment  can  allay.  To  call  him  a  dema- 
gogue were  flattery.  What,  then,  shall  we  call  this  man 
of  sin?" 

"Ah!"  says  a  soft  voice,  "couldn't  we  call  him  a 
Sinagogue?" 

Turning  quickly,  to  see  what  creature  was  capable  of 
such  an  unseemly  suggestion  at  this  solemn  crisis  in  the 
history  of  our  beloved  country,  I  beheld  Captain  Villiam 
Brown,  who,  having  recently  returned  from  a  meeting  of 


42  WADE   IN   THE    BALANCE. 

the  "Mackerel  Army  of  the  Republic,"  was  on  his  way 
to  assure  Congress  that  our  late  strategic  national  troops 
may  be  depended  upon  in  an  emergency. 

''Hail  to  thee,  my  son  of  swords,"  said  I,  affably. 
''Does  Mars  call  again  to  deeds  of  high  emprise;  or 
come  you  hither  only  to  be  appointed  Secretary  of  War 
ad  interim?  "  * 

"Ad  interim!"  says  Villiam,  dreamily.  "No,  my 
fren' ;  the  military  being  who  is  too  ready  for  an  ad  in- 
terim, only  invites  everybody  to  pitch  interim ;  and  when 
so  many  beings  are  pitchers,  it  is  only  left  for  him  to  be  a 
tumbler.  Impeachment,"  says  Villiam,  reasoningly,  "  is 
chiefly  a  matter  of  pitchers  and  tumblers  —  the  former  of 
which  contain  so  much  small-beer,  that  they  will  be  found 
foaming  at  the  mouth  at  the  '  bar '  of  the  Senate  when  the 
Sinagogue  of  the  White  House  goes  thither  for  his  bit- 
ters." 

Perceiving  that  Villiam' s  thirsty  military  mind  mistook 
for  a  spirituous  dispensary  the  august  "bar"  of  that 
hicrher  branch  of  our  national  leorislature  which  has  Ben 
Wade  in  the  balance  and  is  found  wanting  the  Presidency, 
I  led  him  out  for  a  walk  on  the  Avenue ;  and  was  about 
explaining  to  him  that  said  bar  offered  nothing  stronger 
than  the  occasional  crusty  port  of  Mr.  Sumner,  when  we 

*  Despite  the  President's  conciliating  brevets,  the  appointment  of  Secretary 
of  War  ad  interim  fairly  went  begging  amongst  the  military  believers  in  its 
illegality,  until  finally  an  unbelieving  Thomas  was  found. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  43 

were  abruptly  accosted  by  a  hasty  Western  chap  in  a  soft 
black  hat,  linen  duster,  and  gray  worsted  mittens. 

''Excuse  me,"  says  he,  pantingly;  "but  I  have  just 
arrived  from  the  loyal  State  of  Illinois  to  oflfer  ten  thou- 
sand muskets  to  Congress  for  its  approaching  single  com- 
bat with  the  criminal  tailor  of  the  White  House,  and  wish 
to  be  directed  to  the  proper  authorities." 

''  Ah  !  "  says  Villiam,  ''  are  they  needle-guns  ?  " 

"Why  should  they  be  that  kind?"  says  the  chap, 
anxiously. 

"  Because,"  says  Villiam,  thoughtfully,  "the  Presi- 
dent, being  a  tailor  by  profession,  will  naturally  adopt  the 
needle-gun  for  himself,  in  case  of  war.  You  know,"  says 
Villiam,  pleasantly,  "  when  there  are  breeches  between 
two  parties,  and  they  come  to  be  much  wore,  the  '  needle ' 
gun  is  likely  to  be  most  useful  in  patching  up  a  piece."   , 

The  Western  chap  scowled,  and  says  he,  "  I'm  a  gun- 
maker  myself,  and  wish  to  sell  the  guns  I  have  mentioned 
without  further  confusion."  And  he  left  us  in  great  indig- 
nation. 

"  Behold,"  says  Villiam,  gazing  after  him,  and  simul- 
taneously eating  a  clove — "behold,  my  fren',  how  the 
loyal  heart  of  the  country  responds  when  a  patriotic  Con- 
gress stands  forth  against  the  ad  interim  of  arbitrary 
tyranny.  I  really  believe,"  says  Villiam,  confidently, 
"  that  if  it  should  come  to  violence  we  might  have  every 
old  duck-gun  in  the  country  —  for  cash." 

Deeply  impressed  by  the  profound  remark,  I  left  him ; 


44  ELEPHANTASTIC. 

and  in  two  hours  thereafter  was  standing  within  the  storied 
Senate-Chamber  of  the  United  States  of  America  !  I  am 
not  a  bad  man,  my  boy ;  nor  can  I  accuse  myself  of  any 
greater  detriment  to  self-respect  than  may  have  been  in- 
volved in  the  spending  of  several  days  in  New  Jersey 
without  compulsion ;  but  when  I  beheld  that  High  Court 
of  Impeachment,  —  when  I  looked  down  from  the  gallery 
upon  that  scene  of  much  shirt-collar,  tremendous  forehead, 
and  frequent  judicial  stomach,  I  was  immediately  con- 
scious of  the  same  painful  insignificance  I  had  felt  once  be- 
fore in  my  life  when  surveying  an  Elephant.  Upon  that 
earlier  occasion  I  strove  to  reason  w^ith  myself  against 
such  humiliating  personal  microscopicality.  I  said  to  my- 
self, there  is  unquestionably  a  certain  aggravating  Large- 
ness about  him,  and  if  he  wore  proportionate  spectacles 
and  watch-seal  he'd  look  nearly  as  majestic  as  a  German 
musician.  But  where's  the  Mind  —  the  giant  human 
Mind  !  —  to  inform  that  vast  tabernacle  of  flesh,  and  give 
those  broad  temples  an  equivalent  intelligence  ? 

It  was  of  no  use.  I'd  seen  too  many  fat  ones  of  my 
own  kind,  without  minds,  while  attending  the  New  York 
Constitutional  Convention.  I  continued  to  feel  smaller 
and  smaller  in  that  enormous  presence,  until  it  suddenly 
recurred  to  me  that  I  had  paid  twenty-five  cents  to  see  the 
Immensity  !  At  the  thought,  all  my  natural  complacency 
came  back  in  a  flash !  Yes,  sir,  I  swelled  immediately ; 
and  winked  so  much  to  myself,  that  an  aged  maiden  in 
the  throng  thought  herself  affectionately  addressed  there- 


SMOKED    GLASS.  45 

by,  and   dedicated  a   ^'personal"   to  me   in  next  day's 
''Herald." 

I  shall  not  attempt  to  explain  just  wlij  such  a  matter 
should  affect  me  thus  ;  but  as  I  surveyed  the  High  Court 
of  Impeachment,  and  experienced  the  very  same'old  sen- 
sation of  comparative  nothingness,  I  felt  that  the  trouble 
lay  in  my  not  having  paid  twenty-five  cents  before  entering. 
Going  back,  therefore,  for  a  moment,  I  fairly  compelled  °a 
doorkeeper  to  restore  my  self-respect  by  accepting  the 
proper  money,  and  was  then  in  a  condition  to  behold  with 
some  equanimity  one  of  the  most  immense  scenes  in  the 
history  of  our  distracted  globe. 

A  door  opened;  the  Sergeant-at-arms  advanced  toward 
the  Chair  of  the  Senate,  announcing  ''  A  Committee  from 
the  House  of  Representatives,"  and  was  followed  by  the 
Committee,  headed  by  a  very  old  man.     The  President  of 
the  Senate  arose.     It  was  proclaimed  that  any  one  who 
uttered   sound   from   the  galleries  should  be  imprisoned. 
The  Old  Man  —  a  very  old  man,  and  tottering  ;  yet  young 
and  of  granite,  with  the  yearless,  inexorable  purpose  of  a 
Fate  —  handed  his  whip  *  to  the  Sergeant-at-arms,  cast  his 
hat  upon  a  chair,  and  — paused.     The  President  of  the 
Senate  glanced  slowly  around  at  the  pale,  intent  faces 
about  and  above  him ;  extended  a  hand  aloft ;  and  dropped 
a  pin.     The  noise  of  the  fall  reached  every  ear  distinctly. 
Then  the  Old  Man  spoke,  -— 

♦  A  mistake.     It  was  not  a  whip,  but  a  cane.  —  Ed. 


46  AN    UNCANDID    DATE. 

"  We,  the  Representatives  of  the  Republic,  in  the  name 
of  the  whole  People  of  the  United  States,  do  Impeach 
Andi'ew  Johnson,  President  of  the  United  States,  for  cer- 
tain High  Crimes  and  Misdemeanors ;  and  shall  present, 
in  substantiation  thereof^  divers  Articles,  known  by  gram- 
mar as  the  Definite  and  the  Indefinite.  And  we  do  de- 
mand that  the  Senate  take  mj  order  to  call  the  said  An- 
drew Johnson  before  its  bar." 

The  President  of  the  United  States  said :  ''The  Senate 
will  take  that  order ;  "  and  the  Old  Man  (whose  name,  as  I 
am  informed,  is  Thaddeus  Stevens)  led  his  Committee 
in  silence  from  the  chamber. 

It  had  been  a  grand,  momentous,  dreadful  scene ;  and 
only  the  first,  too,  in  a  drama  which  were  paralyzing  to  a 
nation  not  already  schooled  to  tragedy  in  its  high  places. 
Who  can  wonder  that  it  has  already  —  it  and  its  kind  — 
produced  much  demoralization  ? 

For  instance  :  an  enterprising  chap  of  much  news-agency 
has  just  been  detected  in  a  fraud  possible  only  in  a  time 
of  lax  public  morals,  and  unseemly  ingenuity. 

Having  invented  a  means  of  skilfully  changing  the  day 
and  date  of  a  newspaper  at  will,  this  unscrupulous  chap 
has  been  distributing  the  very  same  copy  of  that  excellent 
morning  journal.  The  New  York  "Tribune,"  day  .aflfer 
day  to  his  patrons,  for  several  months ;  buying  it  back  for 
quarter-price  each  night,  and  dealing  it  out  again  to  the 
same  parties  next  morning  with  altered  date-line.  Prob- 
ably he  might  have   gone   on   thus  for  a  year  without 


SMOKED    GLASS.  47 

detection,  but  for  the  recent  discovery  of  a  joyous  man 
who  had  just  forwarded  a  paid  advertisement  of  the  death 
of  his  mother-in-hiw,  and  had  his  suspicions  aroused  by 
not  finding  it  in  print. 

A  still  sadder  case  is  that  of  a  thoughtful  and  venerable 
file  who,  being  a  subscriber  for  the  New  York  ''Times," 
had  drawn  two  parallel  but  distinct  chalk  lines  on  the  floor 
of  his  office,  the  one  marked  "  Republican  "  and  the  other 
"  Democratic."  It  was  the  custom  of  this  truly  eccentric 
file  to  stand  upon  one  or  the  other  of  these  lines  when 
reading  his  favorite  and  admirable  journal  of  a  morning, 
according  as  that  journal  changed  sides  in  politics  each 
twenty-four  hours ;  but  it  happened  that  when  Impeach- 
ment became  a  fixed  fact,  the  same  pleasing  daily  journal 
took  both  sides  with  great  ability. 

The  aged  file  tried  thereupon  to  read  with  one  foot  on 
one  line  and  the  other  on  the  other.  Alas !  the  stretch 
was  too  great  for  one  of  his  years,  and  he  speedily 
became  what  is  called  ''cracked."  Then  with  the  dread 
fires  of  insanity  blazing  in  his  eyes,  he  flew  to  the  White 
House,  tore  madly  into  the  presence  of  the  President,  fell 
upon  his  knees,  and  says  he,  — 

"  A  boon  !  my  liege,  a  boon  !  " 

Mr.  Johnson  laid  aside  a  spoon,  the  metal  of  which  he 
had  been  testing  in  a  glass  retort  containing  some  hot 
liquid  preparation,  and  asked,  "What  can  your  lawful 
suzerain  do  for  you,  good  Lorenzo  ?  But  hold !  let  mo 
ring  for  an  ad  interim,  or  a  brevet,  to  raise  your  spirits." 


48 

"  No,  mj  suzerain,  I  am  not  thirsty,"  cried  the  aged 
maniac.  ' '  But  I  would  have  your  consent  to  wed  an  old 
lady  in  your  employ,  whom  I  love." 

^'  Her  name  —  what  is  it  ?  "  cried  his  sovereign,  hastily. 

''She  is.  Secretary  Welles,  of  the  Navy,"  moaned  the 
madman. 

"Here,  guards !"  call'ed  the  great  ruler;  "away  with 
this  lunatic.     I  would  be  alone." 

This,  this,  is  indeed  Impeachment. 

And  now,  my  boy,  as  I  close  this  letter,  there  comes 
news  of  the  arrival  of  a  high-toned  Democrat  of  much 
cheek-bones,  from  New  York,  who,  finding  the  carrying- 
in-coal  profession  rather  dull  just  now,  has  sped  hither  to 
pledge  ten  thousand  men  for  the  support  of  the  President 
against  a  demoniac  Congress.  But  I  smile  softly  to 
myself  while  I  write,  that  no  such  needless  aid  will  be 
accepted ;  for  Mr.  Johnson  is  a  man  who,  under  no  possi- 
ble provocation,  could  be  induced  to  "  take  the  '  Pledge.'  " 
Yours,  unimpeachably, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 


LETTER   III. 

WHEREIN    OUU    CORRESPONDENT    NOT    ONLY  INTRODUCES   A  FASHIONABLE 
WASHINGTONIAN  BELLE,  BUT  ALSO  AUDACIOUSLY   TAKES  ADVANTAGE  OP 
A  DELAY   IN  IMPEACHMENT  TO  ADDRESS  HIMSELF  EXCLUSIVELY  TO  THE 
STYLISH  YOUNG  MAIDENS  OF  THE  PERIOD. 

Washington,  D.  C,  March  20,  18C8. 

What  luxury  of  feeling  there  is  in  that  earliest  hour  of 
recognized  Spring,  when  the  door  by  which  Winter  has 
gone  out  can  be  left  open  for  a  while  without  discomfort, 
and  the  casement,  that  uncloses  to  release  the  lingering 
smoky  ghost  of  the  last  fire  upon  the  hearth,  lets  in  a 
sunny  spirit  whose  only  flames  and  sparks  shall  be  roses 
and  humming-birds ! 

In  terms  not  unlike  these  did  I  express  the  sentiment  of 
the  season  to  Miss  Agonies*  Blatherly ,  —  only  filial  expense 
of  the  lion.  Senator  Blatherly,  of  Pequog,  as  I  escorted 
her  some  mornings  ago  to  select  her  new  spring  things  for 
the  Impeachment.  It  was  ''Opening-day," — that  day 
of  deep  thought,  and  much  milliner's  bill,  when  the  subtle 
mind  of  woman  devises  its  most  touching  appeals  to  the 
funds  of  the  thing  called  Man,  —  and  while  the  carriage 
rolled  slowly  along  the  Avenue  I  spoke  as  I  have  written. 

*  Agonies  is  the  fashionable  pronunciation  of  Agnes. 
5  49 


50  WOMANLY    SIMPERTIIY. 

'^  Oh,  spring  is  perfectly  sweet,"  she  responded,  with 
thoughtful  earnestness ;  ''  and  pa  says  that  the  spring-lamb 
will  be  heavenly  this  year ;  but  some  of  the  mantilla-jackets 
they're  wearing  now  are  utterly  horrid." 

'■'■  Still,"  said  I,  with  great  depth  of  feeling,  ''your  sen- 
sitive woman's  heart  can  scarcely  take  its  usual  delight 
even  in  the  most  expensive  organdy,  when  you  remember 
that  the  present  spring  is  to  witness  the  most  solemn  State 
Trial  within  the  memory  of  man." 

She  met  my  penetrating  gaze  with  a  look  of  timid  sym- 
pathy, and  answered,  with  a  sigh,  — 

' '  I  shall  wear  a  black  French  grenadine,  wuth  the  back 
widths  full  and  the  front  gored." 

The  remark  indicated  such  an  appreciative  sense  of  the 
grave  perils  of  the  hour,  that  I  could  only  press  softly  the 
little  hand  nearest  my  own,  and  tell  her  that  her  selection 
of  black  instead  of  gay  colors,  to  wear  to  the  Impeachment, 
would  teach  the  world  that  woman  knows  how  to  feel  for 
the  inexpressible  woes  of  her  distracted  country.  I  told 
her  also,  in  trembling  accents,  that  it  would  be  a  rebuke  to 
those  who  opposed  female  suffrage  on  the  ground  that  her 
sex  knew  not  how  to  judge  great  national  events;  and 
besought  her  not  to  let  her  exquisite  sympathy  with  the 
suffering  nation  lead  her  into  too  plain  a  waist. 

An  air  of  patient  sadness  and  resignation  characterized 
the  whole  aspect  of  the  grenadine  maiden,  and  said  she,  — 

"  Pearl-colored  poplin  with  vandyke  flounces,  and  tan- 
colored  gloves,  may  do  for  the  gay  when  pleasure's  throng 


SMOKED    GLASS.  51 

is  nigh ;  but  at  such  a  moment  as  this,  I  love  my  afflicted 
native  hmd  too  well  to  wear  anything  but  jet  bead  trim- 
mings and  a  Marie  Antoinette  scarf." 

Think  of  this,  my  boy,  in  your  own  home,  when  some 
thoughtful,  loving  face  bends  over  your,  shoulder,  and  a 
low,  sweet  voice  asks  to  be  taken  to  the  Impeachment. 
Think  of  it  when,  in  a  moment  of  brutal  irritation,  you 
would  speak  sharply  to  the  gentle  creature  who  wishes  to 
lay  down  her  organdy  and  poplin  for  her  country  —  and  is 
none  the  less  earnest  in  such  self-sacrifice  because  she  thinks 
that  Impeachment  must  be  something  like  the  opera. 

While  Impeachment  is  being  prepared  for  the  stage,  I 
pass  much  of  my  time  in  fashionable  grenadine  society, 
studying  the  fair  young' women  of  the  Republic  in  all  their 
beautiful  intellectual  phases ;  and  as  no  one  of  them  has 
thus  far  encouraged  me  to  write  her  alone,  I  do  now  beg 
leave,  with  the  utmost  courtesy,  to  address  them  all. 

You  need  not  be  informed,  young  ladies,  that  a  majority 
of  those  excellent  and  rather  mature  persons  hitherto  favor- 
ing you  with  counsel  and  criticism  in  print  have  adopted 
a  didactic  and  grievous  strain,  somewhat  suggestive  of 
those  terrors  to  the  young  known  as  spectacles.  There  is 
at  all  times  about  a  pair  of  spectacles  a  certain  oppressive 
glare  of  severe  human  knowledge,  —  not  to  say  patriarchal 
malevolence, —which  continually  forces  upon  observing 
youth  a  sense  of  infantile  shortcomings,  and  a  vague  con- 
sciousness of  unparalleled  crime.  The  concentrated  glare 
of  the  spectacles  of  six  clergymen  with  blue  umbrellas,  at  a 


52  OPTICAL    NUDITY. 

fashionable  revival  meeting,  has  been  known  to  make  a  fair 
girl  of  thirtj  utterly  embittered  against  herself  and  her 
frivolous  younger  sister  for  two  weeks;  and  it  is  upon 
record  that  a  lovely  seminary  scholar,  who  had  received  a 
note  from  a  young  man  of  limited  salary,  was  induced,  by 
the  spectacles  of  a  maiden  aunt,  to  confess  herself  guilty 
of  murder. 

The  kind  of  literature  suggesting  spectacles  is  apt  to 
have  a  like  crushing  and  enfeebling  effect,  —  causing  the 
young  partaker  either  to  experience  a  morose  realization 
of  the  general  inability  of  youth  to  surpass  palpable  idiocy 
in  anything;  or  to  indulge  in  those  untimely  slumbers 
which  notoriously  indicate  a  criminal  indifference  to  the 
most  momentous  interests  of  the  celebrated  Human  Family. 
It  may,  indeed,  be  truthfully  said,  that  the  relentless  reit- 
erative references  to  that  same  domestic  circle,  in  this  kind 
of  literature,  have  had  a  tendency  to  gift  the  minds  of  the 
incorrigibly  immature  with  an  impression  of  a  "  Family  " 
wearing  spectacles  of  the  most  vindictive  manufacture,  and 
continually  glaring  righteous  indignation  at  an  innumer- 
able host  of  youthful  conspirators  against  its  most  sacred 
rights. 

Let  it  be  my  object  then,  young  ladies,  to  counsel  you, 
kindly  and  courteously,  through  the  medium  of  a  style  be- 
traying what  may  be  delicately  mentioned  as  the  disrobed 
eye,  — basing  my  supposition  of  your  needs  upon  your  com- 
prehensive aspect  to  the  undraped  optic;  and  tendering 
advice  at  no  time  savoring  more  of  artificial  vision  than  may 


SMOKED    GLASS.  53 

possibly  be  involved  in  an  occasional  hint  of  the  two  little 
orphan  goggles  casually  bestriding  the  nose  of  innocent 
and  harmless  manhood. 

Long  and  thoughtful  contemplation  of  your  delightful 
sex  through  a  piece  of  Smoked  Glass — which  I  use  to  pro- 
tect my  eyes  from  over-dazzling  —  has  impressed  me  with 
a  firm  belief  in  the  unquestionable  superiority  of  all  young 
ladies  to  their  parents ;  and  I  would  especially  bring  to 
your  attention  the  manifest  propriety  of  discountenancing 
any  familiarity  from  your  mothers  when  in  society.  If 
obliged  to  go  with  your  tiresome  maternals  to  any  social 
gathering,  you  may  reclaim  your  freedom  immediately 
upon  entering  the  room  by  slipping  abstractedly  away  in 
the  direction  of  the  piano,  and  from  thenceforth  being 
artlessly  forgetful  of  all  messages  forwarded  to  you,  and 
miraculously  blind  to  all  beckonings  and  elevations  of  fans. 
Sentimental  dry-goods  clerks  have,  before  now,  been  greatly 
stricken  at  heart  by  such  evidences  of  refined  feminine 
spirit ;  and  distinguished  foreigners  have  more  than  once 
been  tempted  into  ofiering  their  hands  and  hearts,  by  well- 
timed  exhibitions  of  filial  contempt,  —  quite  forgetful,  in 
the  enthralling  excitement  of  the  moment,  of  the  wives 
they  already  had  in  their  own  countries. 

In  fact,  this  question  of  the  management  of  would-be 
familiar  mothers  is  of  vital  importance  to  the  dignity  of 
your  whole  young  ladyhood,  and  should  have  a  large  part 
of  its  treatment  at  home,  where  forward  mothers  are  only 
too  apt  to  presume  upon  accidental  amiability.     Guarding 


64  KEEP  ABOVE   PAR. 

yourselves  vigorously  against  the  vulgarizing  entertain- 
ment of  any  old-fashioned  idea  of  humdrum  "duty,"  as 
the  bores  call  it,  let  it  be  your  business  to  watch  jealously 
for  the  first  approach  to .  undue  freedom  on  the  part  of  the 
vain  old  ladies,  and  then  give  them  immediately  to  under- 
stand that  you  are  not  children  now,  ma,  if  you  please. 
This  wholesome  reminder,  administered  with  a  proper 
sweep  of  the  skirts  and  pensive  glance  toward  the  nearest 
mirror,  is  one  of  the  finest  possible  illustrations  of  firmness 
of  character.  Well-disciplined  mothers  w^ill  seldom  ven- 
ture to  express  unasked  opinions  regarding  the  colors  and 
styles  of  dresses  patronized  by  their  daughters;  but  in 
cases  where  some  momentary  indulgence  has  deluded  them 
into  this  greater  liberty,  there  is  nothing  like  a  well- 
slammed  door,  or  an  immediate  practice  of  the  scales  at 
the  piano.  Well-slammed  doors  and  those  eternal  scales 
are  the  tremendous  instruments  of  rebuke  and  torture 
with  which  your  sex  can  at  any  time  make  life  a  burden  to 
a  whole  flock  of  enemies. 

In'  the  subjection  of  your  fathers  to  their  proper  condi- 
tion of  helpless  neutrality  and  financial  liberality,  you 
must  exercise  more  gradual  measures;  for  a  certain  low 
kind  of  conceited  importance  clings  to  a  man  as  long  as  he 
lives,  and  often  incites  him  to  desperate  efforts  for  the 
enslavement  of  his  natural  owners  —  his  children.  It  will 
be  a  great  aid  to  your  work  of  ''reconstruction,"  if  these 
necessary  afflictions  have  the  habit  of  smoking.  You  will 
then  have  a  perfectly  just  excuse  for  seeing  as  little  of 


SMOKED    GLASS.  55 

them  as  possible,  and  gradually  breaking  their  spirits  and 
humbling  them  in  their  own  estimations,  hy  casually  throw- 
ing out  hints  at  the  breakfast-table  about  being  almost 
choked  whenever  you  go  near  pa's  room.  Pa  thus  has 
impressed  upon  him  a  sense  of  his  own  degradation,  and  will 
feel  himself  but  poorly  compensating  for  the  great  trial  he 
is  to  you,  by  abjectly  and  promptly  responding  to  all  de- 
mands upon  his  purse.  lie  will  also  hand  your  fan  and 
shawl  to  you  after  the  ball,  when  some  promising  young 
man  is  to  be  emphatically  recalled  to  a  sense  of  his  con- 
tinued insignificance.  In  fact,  a  well-behaved  father  is 
useful  in  many  ways,  when  trained  with  a  firm  hand,  and 
the  skill  employed  in  teaching  him  his  tricks  is  never 
wasted. 

In  regard  to  the  piano  which  you  all  indubitably  owe  to 
society,  young  ladies,  I  would  unhesitatingly  counsel  sys- 
tematic violence  in  the  whole  Italian  department,  and  a 
principled  unconsciousness  of  the  existence  of  any  genteel 
compositions  In  English.  That  is  to  say,  you  should  thus 
exhibit  your  piano  in  society ;  though  at  home  it  will  be 
good  policy  to  select  some  one  national  air  as  a  means  of 
embittering  the  souls  of  your  parents  against  music  for- 
ever, and  thus  ridding  yourselves  of  those  importunings  for 
specimens  of  your  skill  with  which  only  perfect  strangers 
have  any  right  to  assail  you.  A  really  great  eficct  can  be 
achieved  in  company  by  miss-keying  a  little  when  you  first 
take  seat  at  the  instrument,  and  then  looking  artlessly  up 
at  the  most  eligible  set  of  Avhiskers  present,  as  who  should 


56  DETECTED    DAMSELDOM. 

say :  Oli  dear  !  what  a  friglitful  creature  I  am  !  Promptly 
follow  this  by  an  impatient  straightening-up,  —  an  archly 
affectionate  glance,  as  for  playful  help,  toward  some  other 
young  lady  whom  you  have  met  that  evening  for  the  first 
time,  —  and  an  instant  plunge  of  all  your  fingers  into  the 
most  deafening  of  the  notes;  and  you  will  make  the  eli- 
gible whiskers  ruin  himself  with  bouquets  for  you  in  less 
than  a  month. 

Additionally  to  the  piano,  you  also  owe  to  society  a 
strict  abstinence  from  anything  approximating  to  Nature ; 
which,  as  all  well-bred  people  know,  is  something  vulgarly 
cheap  and  only  patronized  by  the  lower  classes.  You 
must  select  models  for  yourselves  from  those  practitioners 
of  the  graces  in  your  own  sex  whose  fashionable  campaigns 
have  made  them  your  superiors  in  art,  and  whom  you  will 
speedily  know  by  the  intense  envy  and  hatred  you  will  feel 
toward  them  from  the  first.  The  envy  and  hatred  in 
question  will  not  be  what  common  people  call  by  those 
names  at  all ;  they  will  really  be  the  refined'  mental  com- 
ponents of  a  high  order  of  intellectual  energy,  developing 
in  you  a  genius  for  imitation  conserving  the  loftiest  art. 

To  make  perfect  your  Artificiality,  however,  —  to  make 
it  irresistibly  eloquent  of  womanhood's  most  exquisite 
sensibilities,  —  you  must  manage  to  subdue  it  here  and 
there  with  little  touches  of  girlish  prettiness.  Thus-, 
when  conversing  in  society,  or  even  in  the  conservatory  at 
home,  with  some  eligible  son  of  a  rich  Contractor,  you  can 
appear   sweetly  thoughtful  and   girlishly  innocent  by  a 


SMOKED    ULASS.  57 

judicious  bit  of  by-play  with  your  lace  pocket-handker- 
chief. Supposing  you  to  have  prepared  yourself  before- 
hand with  a  handkerchief  carelessly  thrown  over  your 
shoulders,  you  talk  yourself  apparently  into  a  gentle  sort 
of  dreamy  abstraction ;  and  then,  with  your  eyes  softly 
fixed  on  vacancy,  though  still  talking,  you  unconsciously 
as  it  were  carry  one  end  of  your  handkerchief  to  the 
mouth  with  the  forefinger  of  your  right  hand,  and  keep 
pushing  it  thus,  inch  by  inch,  through  your  lips  as  you 
stand,  until  the  other  end  falls  from  your  shoulders  and 
the  whole  handkerchief  drops  to  the  floor.  This  rouses 
you  from  your  pretty  reverie  with  a  start,  and  (if  possible 
of  production)  a  blush ;  you  make  a  half-motion  to  pick  it 
up ;  the  eligible  captive  is  too  quick  for  you,  however,  and 
succeeds  in  lifting  the  prize  just  as  the  most  enthralling 
of  little  slippers  is  darted  out  to  save  it.  Don't  you  see 
the  inimitable  hit  thus  made  ?  Don't  you  see  how  natural 
it  must  be  after  that  for  the  eligible  son  of  a  Contractor 
to  insist  upon  keeping  the  handkerchief,  and  thus  hope- 
lessly commit  himself  ? 

These  little  touches  of  girlish  prettiness  are  indeed  of 
the  utmost  importance  to  you,  young  ladies,  and  always 
convince  the  sensible  masculine  observer  that  you  have 
those  tender  and  confiding  qualities  of  heart  which  would 
enable  loving  husbands  to  lead  you  by  a  thread. 

I  would  even  specialize  one  more  of  these  touches,  lest 
you  in  your  uncalculating  guilelessness  should  forget  it. 
I  would  have  you  bear  in  mind  the  really  beautiful  device 


58  BE   ARTLESS   WITH   A    HE. 

of  having  particular  female  friends  of  your  own  age,  and 
rather  plainer  than  yourselves,  whose  waists  you  can  fre- 
quently embrace  in  public,  and  whom  you  can  habitually 
salute  as  "darling  love,"  "my  precious,"  "c7ie?'i,"  or 
"my  darling  dear,"  when  gentlemen  are  present.  No 
eligible  single  gentleman  was  ever  known  to  be  proof 
against  this  Arcadian  little  —  luill  you  excuse  me?  — 
dodge.  It  is  not  i7i  a  single  gentleman  of  means  to 
make  head  against  such  an  artless  evidence  of  your  inex- 
pressible capacity  for  loving. 

In  the  matter  of  conversation,  society  expects  you  to 
express  ignorance  of  every  material  thing  in  the  world  as 
grammatically  as  possible.  It  also  expects  you  to  practise 
the  phrase,  "How  Perfectly  Ridiculous,"  until  you  can 
use  it  as  a  reply  and  comment  to  and  upon  everything  not 
supposed  to  be  of  daily  occurrence  in  high  life.     As,  — 

"  Did  you  hear.  Miss  Gusherby,  that  your  father's  old 
^partner  had  committed  suicide?  " 

"  How  Perfectly  Ridiculous  !  " 

"  0  Morianna  Gusherby !  I  shall  never  get  over  it 
—  I'm  sure  I  shan't.  I  saw  a  man  run  over  in  front  of 
Stewart's  to-day,  and  the  stage-wheels  went  right  over  his 
face !  " 

"  How  Perfectly  Ridiculous  !  " 

Politics,  of  course,  are  too  horrid  to  be  talked  about  at 
all,  save  in  that  general  easy  and  graceful  superciliousness 
of  tone  towai'd  anything  original  with  your  own  country 
which  infallibly  indicates  aristocratic  elevation  of  senti- 


SMOKED    CjiLASS.  b'j 

ment.  Quite  a  reputatiDii  for  intellect,  too,  may  possibly 
be  gained  by  a  rather  scornful  mention  of  Mr.  Greeley  as 
U)i  ami  des  noirs.  This  is  supposing,  of  course,  that 
you  have  studied  French  sufficiently  to  know  where  to  find 
convenient,  phrases  in  the  back  of  Worcester's  larger  Dic- 
tionary. 

Possibly  you  will  accuse  me,  young  ladies,  of  counsel- 
ling you  as  though  you  were  all  expected  to  act  precisely 
alike  —  were  all  to  be  exact  repetitions,  or  reflections,  of 
each  other ;  but  such  implied  and  intolerable  sarcasm  is 
by  no  means  characteristic  of  my  courteous  intent.  In 
my  large  experience  of  the  world  and  perfect  familiarity 
with  the  most  estimable  qualities  of  your  sex,  I  have  seen 
the  most  brilliant  effects  produced,  by  some  of  you,  upon 
plans  quite  distinct  from  those  occupying  so  much  of  this 
letter. 

For  instance :  I  have  known  some  of  you  to  bless  so- 
ciety with  a  real  Sensation,  by  continually  maintaining  a 
Thoughtful  and  Sceptical  aspect,  —  as  though  enduring  the 
contact  of  the  gay,  giddy  world  only  upon  sufferance,  and 
perpetually  filled  with  a  sadly-sweet  longing  for  the  spirit- 
ual companionship  of  barely  one  Real  Friend.  Your  de- 
meanor has  conveyed  an  idea  of  the  most  touching,  patient 
suffering,  and  you  have  allowed  it  to  be  whispered  about 
that  your  life-long  affliction  is  a  want  of  True  Sympathy, 
—  an  eternal  yearning  for  Some  One  who  can  Truly  Under- 
stand you.  It  is  recorded,  in  some  musty  tradition  or 
other,  that  this  tone  of  bearing  in  the  fashionable  female 


GO  CHIGNONNE. 

young,  was  attributed  by  our  rude  ancestors  to  Dyspepsia, 
—  a  barbarous  disease  anciently  produced  by  a  too  ardent 
addiction  to  boarding-school  candies,  vinegar,  and  slate- 
pencils.  Now,  however,  all  genteel  persons  know  it  to  be 
an  indication  of  a  finely  strung  nature,  and  the  young 
man  who  can  Truly  Understand  does  not  struggle  long 
against  his  fate. 

To  succeed  in  this  plan,  however,  requires  a  force  of 
character  of  which  many  fine  feminine  organisms  are  not 
at  all  times  capable.  Being  aware  of  this  fact,  it  affords 
me  the  greater  pleasure  to  set,  with  all  humility,  before 
you,  another  and  no  less  effective  means  of  indicating  dis- 
tinctive traits  to  the  world.  It  is  possible  for  you  to  show 
a  decided  individuality  by  the  Dressing  of  your  Hair  ;  and, 
perhaps,  I  cannot  more  clearly  illustrate  to  you  the  won- 
derful use  of  Hair-dressing  alone  to  epitomize  all  that  there 
is  of  distinguishing  character  in  your  gracious  sex,  than 
by  submitting  to  your  indulgent  attention  an  authenti- 
cated biography  of 

1 

THE    HAIRESS. 


In  Rutgers'  halls  a  maid  I  knew, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 
She'd  lips  of  red  and  eyes  of  blue, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed ; 
Such  a  taper  waist  and  a  lovely  arm 
And  shoulders  white  were  enough  to  charm 

♦  Rutgers'  Institute,  a  fashionable  female  seminary  on  Fifth  Avenue,  N.T. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  61 

The  sourest  saint  and  his  heart  alarm  — 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 


She  had  a  brow  of  Grecian  mould, 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed ; 

The  nose  that  Venus  wore  of  old, 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 

Her  rosy  mouth  was  a  kiss  divine. 

Preserved,  as  'twere,  in  a  ruby  wine, 

Through  which  its  sweets,  to  tempt,  might  shine  — 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 

III. 
She  sat  upon  the  scholar's  bench, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed, 
To  study  music,  Greek,  and  French, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 
She  flirted  with  Signer  Shaykantrill, 
Who  taught  her  opera  and  quadrille. 
And  managed  of  novels  to  read  her  fill. 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 


They  took  her  from  the  boarding-school, 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 
And  had  her  robed  in  silk  and  tulle. 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 
She  entered  society's  bright  pell-mell, 
And  took  the  palm  of  the  reigning  belle, 
And  cast  upon  every  heart  a  spell. 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 


She  drove  a  phaeton  in  the  Park, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 
6 


62  RAIL    fiXJOYMENT. 

Camo  back  to  dinner  just  at  dark, 
AVith  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 

She  went  to  the  matinee,  ball,  and  rout, 

To  dance,  to  simper,  to  smile,  and  pout; 

And  then  to  the  Springs  when  the  ton  went  out, 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 


Not  long  had  such  a  nymph  to  wait, 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed ; 

For  one  to  be  her  lord  and  mate, 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 

'Twas  the  son  of  a  heavy  dry -goods  man 

One  night  at  a  hop  picked  up  her  fan ; 

And  she  promised  to  share  his  heart  and  span, 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 

vu. 

Returned  to  town  an  autumn-bride. 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 
She  took  a  coach,  and  ma  inside. 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 

Went  straight  to  Stewart's  to  buy  the  things 

That  women  wear  in  the  place  of  wings. 

And  ordered  of  TiiFany  pearls  by  strings, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 

VIII. 

She  had  a  wedding  d  la  modcf 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 

And  then  to  Jersey  Ferry  rode, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 

For  Washington  City  they  took  the  train. 

Where  the  honeymoon  should  wax  and  wane, 

And  over  the  rails  she  sped  amain. 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  63 


The  nation's  wisdom  greeted  her, 

With  her  hair  unbecouiingly  dressed; 
She  made  the  season  all  astir, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 
She  flirted  with  Senators  sharp  and  snub, 
While  her  liege  and  lord  was  at  the  club, 
And  shone  supreme  at  dance  and  rub, 
With  her  hair  umbecomingly  dressed. 


Her  husband  saw  her  doing  thus. 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed ; 
She  begged  him  not  to  make  a  fuss, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 
But  he  was  resolved  on  a  homeward  trip, 
And  little  he  heeded  her  pouting  lip, 
And  home  she  came  in  his  bearish  grip. 
With  her  hair  xinbecomingly  dressed. 


Upon  the  train  she  felt  a  chill, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 

It  made  her  quickly  very  ill. 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 
•  The  bonnet  she  wore  was  so  very  small 

That  it  scarcely  seemed  a  bonnet  at  all; 

And  how  could  she  cover  her  head  in  a  shawl, 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed  ? 


Arrived  in  town  she  went  to  bed, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 

And  coughed  enough  to  split  her  head, 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed: 


64  SUMMUM   BEAUNUM 

Tho  doctors  camo  in  a  stately  host, 
And  with  powder  and  pill  the  patient  dosed; 
But  in  less  than  a  week  she  became  a  ghost, 
With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed. 


In  garments  rich  she  slept  her  last, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 
And  to  a  better  world  had  passed, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed; 
Where  the  snow  melts  first  in  the  breath  of  spring, 
And  tho  sweetest  birds  the  latest  sing, 
She  waits  the  great  awakening, 

With  her  hair  unbecomingly  dressed  ! 

And  now,  that  I  have  humbly  and  modestly  tendered 
all  this  earnest  advice  to  you,  let  me  add  the  wish  that 
you  may  '' Ever  be  happy,"  and  thus  qualify  yourselves 
to  become  ultimately  the  ''  Pride  of  the  pirate's  heart." 
You  have  throngs  of  manly  admirers  always  around  you, 
many  of  whom  are  even  ready  to  become  husbands  as  soon, 
as  they  can  afibrd  it;  but  not  one  of  them  all  is  more 
devoutly  an  adorer  and  slave,  young  Jadies,  than  the  retir- 
ing individual  who  counts  it  the  sum  of  all  earthly  honors 
to  sign  himself 

Your  own  Chevalier, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 


LETTER    IV. 

EXPLAINING  THE  SURPRISING  EQUANIMITY  OF  A  NATION  UNDER  COMPLI- 
CATED MISFORTUNES  BY  THE  PARALLEL  CASE  OF  A  GREAT  PHILOSOPHER 
OF  THE  SIXTH  WARD ;  CONFESSING  THE  INEXPLICABLE  LEVITY  PRODUCED 
BY  THE  HONEST  SENTIMENTS  OF  A  SOLID  BOSTON  3IAN  ;  AND  CELEBRATING 
THE  GRAND  OPENING  OF  THE  THEATRE  OF  WAR  WITH  THE  SPECTACULAR 
DRAMA  OF  IMPEACHMENT. 

Washington,  D.  C  ,  March  20, 18C8. 

Even  as  the  exciting  able  editor  of  some  reliable  Amer- 
ican morning  journal  surveys  the  whole  world  from  his 
third-story  backroom,  and  is  sufficiently  weakened  in  his 
mind  thereby  to  write  such  an  article  on  the  Present  State 
of  the  Universe  as  shall  at  once  fill  out  a  column,  and  ^pare 
his  subscribers  the  shock  of  being  tempted  to  read  the 
"  editorial  page "  for  once  in  their  lives ;  so  do  I  look 
abroad,  my  boy,  from  the  window  of  my  room  at  Willard's 
upon  this  entire  humorous  nation  of  ours,  and  am  so  en- 
feebled in  intellect  by  the  spectacle  of  its  unspeakable 
equanimity  under  Reconstruction  and  Impeachment,  that 
orders  for  thoughtful  newspaper-articles  upon  the  Progress 
of  Democratic  Principles  in  Russia  may  be  forwarded  at 
once  to  my  address.  As  I  look  thus  extensively  abroad  — 
after  incidentally  nodding  in  a  chaste  and  pleasing  manner 
to  a  grenadine  maiden  at  another  casement  —  I  cannot 
help  observing  to  myself,   ''This  is,  indeed,  equanimity," 

G*  05 


6Q  A   BEAM   IN   HIS   OWN   EYE. 

and  reminds  me  of  what  once  occurred  in  the  Sixth 
Ward. 

In  that  cradle  of  American  liberty  in  which  many  a  one 
has  been  ''rocked"  by  political  persons  of  Irish  descent, 
there  formerly  resided  a  middle-aged  top,  of  dumpling 
forehead  and  continual  fatness  of  smile,  who  ^yent  beam- 
ing around  everywhere  like  a  private  sun  w4th  spectacles 
on,  and  passed  through  two  panics,  and  a  cholera  season, 
with  so  much  equanimity  that  his  friends  concluded  he 
must  be  either  a  statue  of  George  Washington  or  a  great 
philosopher.  Did  a  vast  fire  break  out  in  his  district,  an 
election  go  this  way  or  that  way,  or  a  riot  destroy  all  his 
neighbors'  windows,  —  this  fine  old  top  would  be  out  next 
morning  in  a  perfect  sunrise  of  contented  smile,  cover- 
ing everybody  all  over  with  placidity,  and  being  taken 
by  strangers  for  both  Benjamin  Franklin  and  Mr.  Greeley. 
Did  half  his  family  try  to  put  him  out  of  the  house,  or  his 
two  only  sons  half  kill  each  other  in  a  domestic  fight,  —  this 
calm  old  top  would  keep  shining  on  harder  than  ever,  and 
plastering  up  his  head  and  going  to  his  daily  business 
with  such  bright  looks  that  many  mistook  him  for  an  un- 
married man.  Persons  from  other  wards  would  go  to  him 
and  expostulate  against  so  much  equanimity,  —  telling  him 
that  it  injured  the  value  of  their  property  and  produced 
sickness  in  their  minds ;  but  he  only  shook  hands  with 
them  all  round  in  an  extremely  affectionate  manner,  and 
went  beaming  away  to  attend  the  funeral  of  his  brother. 

At  last,  however,  a  crowning  calamity  seemed  to  threaten 


SMOKED    GLASS.  G7 

this  radiant  top,  and  all  his  wife's  relatives  hoped  that  his 
time  had  come.  In  a  high-moral  life  insurance  company, 
of  which  he  was  an  immense  stockholder,  a  great  dispute 
took  place  between  the  President  and  the  Board  of  Direc- 
tors. The  former,  between  two  meetings  of  the  Board, 
took  the  responsibility  of  getting  out  a  new  style  of  "  Pol- 
icy," by  which  the  person  who  insured  under  it  was  obliged 
to  assert  no  more  than  that  he  had  a  sound  Constitution. 
The  Secretary  of  the  Company,  who  had  been-  made  such 
under  a  former  President,  opposed  this  style  of  Policy 
with  all  his  might ;  whereupon,  the  President  suspended 
him  from  office,  put  in  a  Secretary  ad  interim^  removed 
such  agents  of  the  Company  in  other  cities  as  refused  to 
adopt  the  new  Policy,  and  commenced  doing  such  a  whole- 
sale Constitutional  business  that  all  creation  bade  fair  to  be 
insured  in  a  month.  Then  came  the  Meeting  of  the  Direc- 
tors, a  majority  of  whom  were  patent-medicine  men,  and 
who,  in  the  original  Policy,  had  specified  not  only  that  the 
insured  should  have .  sound  Constitutions,  but  that  said 
soundness  should  have  been  specially  produced  by  the  use 
(affirmed  under  oath)  of  their  patent-medicines.  The 
Directors  reinstated  the  original  Secretary  and  Policy; 
the  defiant  President  was  arraigned  before  the  Board  with 
a  view  to  his  supersedure  by  the  Vice-President ;  and,  in 
the  ensuing  public  scandal,  the  whole  business  of  the  Com- 
pany stood -still.  =^ 

*  Substitute  the  word  Reconstruction  for  "  Insurance,'"  and   this  is  a  just 
and  exact  illustration  of  the  quarrel  between  President  Johnson  and  Congress. 


68  POLICY    THE    BEST   NON    EST-Y. 

Then  all  the  wife's  relatives  of  the  middle-aged  and 
philosophical  top  believed  that  they  had  him  at  last,  and 
repaired  in  a  body  to  his  private  residence  to  witness  the 
overwhelming  defeat  of  his  equanimity ;  but  to  their  un- 
speakable disgust  they  found  him  perusing,  in  great  com- 
fort, the  latest  news  of  the  trouble  in  a  stentorian  daily 
journal,  the  while  his  features  shone  with  that  debilitating 
serenity  which  eternally  characterizes  the  photographs  we 
have  taken  for  our  unmarried  female  friends. 

"  Old  man !  '*'  cried  the  relatives,  rendino:  their  gar- 
ments,  and  feeling  sorry  for  it  immediately  after;  "do 
you  realize  that  this  quarrel  will  ruin  you,  by  making 
your  stock  in  the  Company  worthless  ?  How,  oh  how  !  un- 
der this  last  awful  go,  can  you  exhibit  so  much  equanimity  ?  " 

'•'My  friends,"  said  this  vivacious  top,  with  a  pleased 
expression,  ' '  why  should  I  shed  the  briny  ?  Under  the 
Director's  '  Policy '  there  would  never  be  any  business  at 
all,  which  would  be  ruin.  Under  the  President's  '  Policy  ' 
the  business  would  be  wholesale  recklessness,  which  would 
be  ruin ;  and  in  the  fight  between  the  two  Policies  there 
is  ruin  any  way.  Give  my  love  to  your  families,  and  send 
in  the  Sheriff." 

After  which  the  imperturbable  top  went  cheerfully  hum- 
ming to  put  on  his  gaiters ;  and  tripped  away,  with  the 
utmost  satisfaction,  to  register  his  name  under  the  Bank- 
rupt Act. 

I  have  been  thinking,  my  boy,  I  have  been  thinking, 
that  perhaps  the  curious  medical  treatment  of  having  its 


SMOKED    GLASS.  G9 

lower  limbs  kept  in  hot  water  for  years,  accompanied  by  the 
amazing  surgical  operation  of  having  its  head  slowly  sawed 
off,  may  not  be  the  surest  means  of  restoring  health  to  the 
nation ;  and  that  the  inexpressible  equanimity  of  the  latter 
under  Reconstruction  and  Impeachment  may  possibly  be 
based  upon  a  philosophy  like  that  which  I  have  celebrated. 

Discussing  this  and  other  great  questions,  I  was  walking 
down  Pennsylvania  Avenue  with  a  solid  Boston  man  yes- 
terday, when  we  ran  against  a  fellow-being  who,  with  his 
back  toward  us,  was  attentively  contemplating  our  national 
banner  as  it  floated  over  a  building  near  by.  With  arms 
folded,  head  thrown  back,  and  the  south-east  corner  of  the 
Ten-of-Clubs  accidentally  protruding  below  the  lining  of  his 
soft  black  hat,  he  reminded  me  somewhat  of  Hamlet,  just 
prior  to  his  little  affair  with  Laertes  ;  but,  upon  looking  more 
closely,  I  recognized  the  Conservative  Kentucky  Chap. 

"  Well  met,  my  '  Knight  of  the  Golden  Circle  ! '  "  cried 
I,  introducing  my  friend ;   ''  what  cheer  ?  " 

''  Hem  !  "  says  the  Kentucky  Chap,  ''  the  National  Dem- 
ocratic Organization,  of  which  Kentucky  is  the  pride, 
knows  nothing  whatsoever  about  any  golden  circle  except 
the  'Whiskey  Ring.'" 

Here  the  Conservative  Kentucky  Chap  gazed  again  at 
the  floating  standard,  and  says  he,  — 

"When  I  look  upon  that  picture  of  Kentucky's  starry 
sky,  and  remember  that  ten  stars  in  the  constellation  are 
still  kept  in  eclipse  by  the  negro-suffrage  despotism  of 
New  England,  I  feel  as  though  the  ten  of  diamonds  had 


70  OF   COURSE   HE   DIDN'T   MEAN — . 

slipped  out  of  the  pack  and  left  Kentuckj  to  be  euchred 
by  New  Hampshire."* 

Here  the  solid  Boston  man  breatlied  very  hard,  as 
though  he  had  just  arisen  from  his  usual  morning  prayer 
to  Dickens,  and  says  he,  — 

''  Did  you  speak  to  me.  Rebel?  " 

The  Kentucky  Chap  scowled  such  an  intense  frown  of 
assent  that  the  four  of  clubs  worked  down  out  of  his  hat  to 
the  brow  of  his  left  eye,  and  gave  him  the  appearance  of 
being  under  treatment  for  ophthalmia. 

''  That  flag  is  for  every  American  freeman  !  "  says  the 
solid  Boston  man,  ' '  and  is  favorably  mentioned  in  the 
works  of  Dr.  Holities  as  such.  Next  to  the  Hoosac  Tun- 
nel and.  Ticknor  &  Fields'  new  bookshop,  it  is  dearer  to 
every  loyal  bosom,  whether  white  or  black,  than  all  else 
in  the  wide  world.  And  shall  its  stars  shine  for  the  white 
Rebel  while  the  sable  loyalist  is  forgotten?  Forbid  it. 
Bunker  Hill!  I  tell  you,"  exclaimed  the  solid  Boston 
man,  growing  purple  in  the  face,  "that  Massachusetts  has 
at  leno-th  decided  to  ra:ise  the  free-ne£rro  race  to  their  birth- 
right  under  the  national  stars,  even  though  it  should  be 
.  necessary  to  trust  that  flag  entirely  to  black  guards  !  " 

He  meant  it  honestly,  my  boy ;  he  almost  cried  under 
his  keen  sense  of  the  magnanimous  intention  of  Massachu- 
setts ;  but  upon  catching  the  intensely  cocked  ey6  of  the 
Conservative  Kentucky  Chap,  I  coughed  in  a  manner  quite 
unfamiliar  to  our  highest-priced  physicians;  and  slapped 

*  New  Hampshire  had  just  elected  a  Republican  State  ticket. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  7t 

Kentucky's  favorite  son  so  severely  upon  the  back,  to  save 
him  from  inexplicable  choking,  that  a  small  black  case- 
bottle  and  three  court-cards  shot  out  of  his  forward  vest- 
ments like  meteors  from  a  cloud. 

Fain  would  this  friendly  pen  pursue  the  theme,  were  it 
not  for  a  card  inscribed  as  follows,  — 


m- 


-B. 


IMPEACHMENT  MATINEE. 

Dkess  Circle. 
Gentleman  and  Lady. 

season  ticket. 
(Fornoy  Print.)  (Show  to  Usher.) 


-m 


This  ticket  lies  here  upon  my  desk ;  and  below  it  is  a 
smaller  one,  answering  to  the  between-acts  ''check"  of 
other  theatres,  and  intended  for  use  at  the  door  when  you 
desire  to  leave  for  a  few  moments.    It  is  inscribed,  simply, 


m _ .^ 

Ticket  of  Leave. 

tB— ® 


* 
and  admits  the  bearer  to  the  theatre  again,  after  he  shall 
have  procured  the  glass  of  water  and  eaten  the  clove,  to 
lunch  upon  which  he  went  out. 

Promptly,  at  one  o'clock,  on  two  days  of  this  week,  I 
used  the  first  of  the  above  tickets,  and  had  the  pleasure  of 
escorting  a  fashionable  maiden,  of  imperceptible  bonnet,  to 
one  of  the  best  seats  in  the  house.     Let  this  agile  pen 


72  NO   LUCID    INTERVALS. 

move  slowly,  mjr  boy ;  and  this  ink,  which  is  of  the  color 
of  the  freed-negro  race,  flow  gently,  while  I  recall  the 
scene  that  burst  upon  my  vision  and  must  have  broken 
many  pairs  of  spectacles.  After  seating  the  maiden,  and 
giving  her  half  an  hour  to  complete  that  pulling  of  skirts 
with  which  the  bell-shaped  women  of  America  are  wont  to 
soothe  the  nerves  of  all  beholders  at  church  and  the  opera, 
I  pulled  out  my  piece  of  Smoked  Glass,  and  began  my  sur- 
vey of  a  national  pageant  which  were  over-dazzling  to  eyes 
not  thus  protected.  Two  injuriously  lustrous  planets  at 
once  saluted  my  startled  gaze,  fixed  in  line,  on  an  appar- 
ent firmament  of  deep  blue ;  but  before  I  could  express  the 
opinion  that  I  must  be  going  mad,  or  that  something  seri- 
ously astronomical  must  be  the  matter  with  -my  orbs,  the 
shining  twain  resolved  themselves  into  two  gorgeous  brass 
buttons  upon  the  cerulean  dress-coat  of  a  military  being 
who  had  afiably  taken  a  standing  position  right  in  front  of 
my  Smoked  Glass. 

"  Excuse  me,  sir,"  said  I,  with  bitter  sarcasm;  ''but, 
as  you  have  not  a  pane  in  your  stomach,  I  cannot  see 
through  you." 

"  Ah  !  "  said  a  familiar  voice,  "  if  I'd  thought  of  that, 
my  fren',  I'd  have  worn  my  sash." 

Directing  my  Smoked  Glass  to  his  face,  which  was  now 
turned  toward  me,  I  recognized  Captain  Villiam  #Brown ; 
who,  with  his  own  bit  of  glass,  had  been  engagingly  ob- 
serving the  innumerable  organdy  and  grenadine  maidens  in 
the  dress-circle. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  73 

''Ha,  my  Lord  Cardigan,"  said  I,  after  excusing  my- 
self to  the  lady  in  my  own  care,  and  moving  away  with 
the  Mackerel  hero,  "do  you  come  here  to  study  the  Black 
Crook  which  our  national  affairs  seem  to  have  taken,  or  are 
you  present  rather  as  an  indifferent  spectator  of  the  White 
Forney?"* 

"  My  fren',"  says  Villiam,  taking  a  handful  of  peanuts 
from  one  of  his  pockets  and  giving  me  half,  "  I  come  to 
the  High  Court  of  Impeachment  to  examine  the  fashions, 
and  see  whether  bonnets  have  got  low  enough  yet  to  make 
it  safe  to  enter  into  the  5-20  bonds  of  wedlock." 

''  I  don't  know  about  the  bonnets,"  said  I,  calmly  ;  "for 
my  Smoked  Glass  does  not  magnify  enough  to  reveal  them 
to  me.  But  this  season's  dresses  are  certainly  low  enough 
—  in  the  neck." 

"  Ah  !  "  says  Villiam,  severely  ;  "  the  dresses  of  some 
of  these  fair  beings  are  so  low,  that  they  are  virtually  a 
take-off  of  everything  our  mothers  used  to  wear.  Hum  !  " 
says  Villiam,  anxiously,  "  some  of  them  will  take  cold  in 
this  changeable  weather  if  they  don't  put  on  more  fans." 

Thus  speaking,  he  left  me,  and  I  hastened  to  the  grena- 
dine of  my  choice,  carrying  thither  one  of  the  programmes, 
reading  thus,  — 

*  The  "  Black  Crook"  and  the  "  White  Fawn  "  were  two  spectacular  ballets 
of  the  most  meretricious  "  French  school,"  which  had,  successively,  occupied 
the  stage  of  the  metropolitan  play-house  for  nearly  two  years,  and  rendered 
the  latter  eligible  for  the  title  of  moral  plague-house. 
7 


74 


PLAY    ON   WORDS. 


THEATRE  OF  WAR. 


Managers  and  Proprietors, 
Treasurer,     . 
Prompter,     . 


Stevens  &  Co. 

.    U.  S.  Bond. 

A.  Whitehouse. 


The  management  have  the  honor  to  announce  the  com- 
pletion of  their  arrangements  for  the  production  of  an  en- 
tirely new  adaptation  from  English  and  French  theatres, 
entitled 

IMPEACHMENT; 

OR, 

The  Man  Without  a  Friend; 
which  will  be  produced  with  the  following  great  cast:  — 


Man  Without  a  friend, 

Macbeth, 

Mephistophiles, 

lago, 

Mrs.  Caudle, 

Harlequin, 

Joseph  Surface, 

First  Supernumerary, 

Deserters, 

Corps  de  Bully, 


A.  Johnson. 
B.  Wade. 
Thaddeus  Stevens. 
Manton  Marble. 
H.  Greelet. 
.   J.  Q.  Bennett. 
H.  J.  Raymond. 
S.  P.  Chase. 
Democratic  Party. 
Butler,  Bingham,  &  Co. 


To  be  followed  by  the  ever-popular  farce  of 
"  RECONSTRUCTION," 
to  which  has  recently  been  added  an  Alabama  breakdown.* 


Performance  commences  with  an  Over- 
ture (for  "  more  time  ") 


By  Mr.  Stanbery. 


'm- 


m 


♦  By  popular  vote,  unreconstructed  Alabama  had  recently  rejected  the  Con- 
stitution which  would  have  restored  her  to  representation  in  Congress. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  75 

As  I  looked  down  from  the  dress-circle  into  the  pit  dur- 
ing the  opening  scenes,  and  brought  mj  bit  of  Smoked 
Glass  .to  bear  upon  one  after  another  of  the  great  actors, 
there  came  upon  me  an  unseemly  disposition  to  mislead  the 
intellect  of  the  innocent  being  at  mj  side,  and  encourage 
her  to  believe  that  the  scene  then  ''on'' was  intended  to 
represent  a  fashionable  dining-saloon. 

''Why,"  she  whispered,  ''does  that  fine-looking  creat- 
ure, at  the  top  table,  rap  so?" 

It  was  the  Chief  Justice  rapping  for  order,  but  I  told 
her  that  he  was  knocking  for  a  waiter  to  come  and  take 
his  order. 

Was  this  wrong,  my  boy  ?  Did  I  thereby  cast  ridicule 
upon  the  majestic  judicial  proceedings  of  the  United  States 
of  America,  and  fill  the  subtle  mind  of  woman  with  mis- 
taken imaginings  ?  Perhaps  so,  my  Pythias ;  perhaps  so ; 
but  she  thought  that  first  scene  was  laid  in  an  eating- 
house,  and  kept  wondering  why  the  tables  of  the  Counsel 
and  Managers  were  not  furnished  at  least  with  some  repre- 
sentative of  Ham. 

Speaking  of  the  latter,  I  was  conversing  last  evening 
with  the  former  chaplain  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade,  con- 
cerning the  President's  line  of  defence ;  and  suggested  to 
him,  that,  inasmuch  as  Mr.  Johnson  is  a  tailor  by  profes- 
sion, and  therefore,  according  to  popular  belief,  only  one- 
ninth  of  a  man,  it  was  palpably  unfair  for  the  Senate  to 
be  his  jury. 

"  How  so  ?  "  asked  the  chaplain. 


76  HAMERICA. 

''Why,"  said  I;  ''can  there  be  any  fairness  in  pitting 
a  one-ninth-er  against  so  many  Se'n-a-tors?  " 

"Young  man,"  quoth  the  Mackerel  Chaplain,  abstract- 
edly; "the  judgment  of  Heaven  has  fallen  upon  the 
President  because  of  his  recreancy  to  the  hapless  children 
of  Ham,  whose  Moses  he  had  promised  to  be.  A  black 
hand  stretched  to  Deity  in  a  prayer  for  merited  retribu- 
tion may  be  stronger  than  the  white  hand  that  invokes  a 
blessing  undeserved." 

How  true  that  is,  my  boy,  especially  when  you  re- 
member of  what  little  account  has  been  that  blessing  once 
invoked  for  yourself  by  the  hand  of  your  father !  A. 
Johnson  is  doomed.  Off  with  his  head !  So  much  for 
bucking  Ham  I 

Yours,  Shakespeareanly, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 


LETTER    V. 

INTRODUCING  AN  IMPECUNIOUS  BUT  LOYAL  SOUTHERN  CAVALIER  ;  DE- 
PICTING A  GORGEOUS  STAGE-PROCESSION  IN  THE  MIGHTY  SPECTACLE 
OF  impeachment;  reporting  THE  UNEXAMPLED  AND  CONVINCING 
INAUGURAL  ARGUMENT  OF  MANAGER  BUTLER,  AND  TUB  VISIBLE  CON- 
STERNATION OF  NERVOUS  AUDITORS  THEREAT. 

Washington,  D.  C,  April  3,  1868. 

Even  as  the  blue-and-brassj  bee,  with  one  knowing  eye 
fixed  all  the  time  upon  some  goodly  cabbage-rose,  dallies 
with  meaner  flowers  by  way  of  adding  relish  to  the  sweet 
delayed,  so  do  I  aggravate  myself  with  baser  themes  only 
to  make  the  grander,  when  it  comes,  the  full  majesty  of 
Impeachment.  Be  it  known  to  you  at  last,  however,  that 
on  the  occasion  of  my  second  visit,  with  the  Mackerel 
Chaplain,  to  the  theatre  where  this  successful  piece  is  now 
running,  we  found  at  the  entrance  thereof  one  of  the  most 
loyal  Southerners  that  ever  refrained  from  taking  up  arms 
against  the  Union  on  account  of  sickness.  His  name  is 
Loyola  Munchausen,  brother  of  Captain  Munchausen,  late 
of  the  well-known  Southern  Confederacy ;  and  as  I  gazed 
upon  his  spring-overcoat  neatly  manufactured  from  four 
Confederate  buttons  and  a  bed-tick,  his  dress-hat  composed 
of  half  a  boot-leg,  mounted  on  one  of  those  rims  of  tin 
through  which  stove-pipes  enter  chimneys;  his  Parisian 
stock  representing  a  spare  strap  with  buckle  from  an  old 


78  WHO   WRITE   THE   WRONG. 

trunk,  and  his  April  waistcoat  worked  up  fi-om  a  remnant 
of  once  valuable  stair-carpet,  —  I  could  not  help  murmur- 
ing sadly  to  mjself,  "He  does  not  look  as  wealthy  as  he 
did." 

At  the  moment  of  our  meeting,  this  reduced  but  impres- 
sive Southern  being  was  fumbling  in  the  eastern  pocket  of 
a  pair  of  nether-garments,  which  seemed  to  have  been 
hastily  made  from  a  quilted  green  merino  petticoat,  and 
drew  forth  from  thence  the  clam-shell  which  served  him 
as  a  pocket-book.  To  spare  his  feelings,  I  dropped  my 
glance  to  his  feet,  which  were  plainly  encased  in  a  pair  of 
stirrups ;  but  was  not  quick  enough  to  avoid  discovering 
that  the  sole  contents  of  his  treasury  were  a  shoe-string,  a 
burnt  match,  and  a  cancelled  postage-stamp.  Noticing  my 
look,  he  loftily  donned  a  pair  of  white  cotton  socks,  in 
place  of  gloves,  and  says  he,  — 

"  What  would  you.  Vandal  ?  " 

Grasping  his  left  hand,  and  nearly  wringing  the  sock 
off,  I  saluted  him  as  the  brother  of  the  very  mirror  of  chiv- 
alry, and  reminded  him  that  I  had  been  a  war-corre- 
spondent of  an  excellent  Union  journal  while  Captain 
Munchausen  was  a  Confederacy. 

""War-correspondent,"  says  he,  twirling  the  curtain-rod 
which  he  carried  as  a  cane,  "war-correspondent?"  He 
smiled  darkly ;  and  says  he,  ' '  In  that  case,  the  sunny 
South  forgives  you ;  for  you  must  have  been  a  real  mis- 
fortune to  her  foes.    I  was  about  to  purchase  a  ticket  here, 


SMOKED    GLASS.  79 

but  find  that  I  must  have  left  that  hundred-dollar  bill  in 
my  other  coat-pocket." 

"  Come  in  Avith  us,"  said  I,  gravely,  ''  for  we  have  sea- 
son-tickets for  two ;  and,  as  the  audience  is  almost  wholly 
feminine,  we  should  be  at  least  three-strong  to  divide  its 
staring  and  bad  manners." 

"The  ladies,  sir,"  observed  Loyola  Munchausen,  kiss- 
ing his  right  sock,  ''  may  stare  at  me  in  a  manner  which  I 
would  not  tolerate  in  a  man ;  for,  as  a  true  Southern  gen- 
tleman, I  adore  the  sex ;  but,  sir,  if  one  solitary  Yankee 
Vandal  presumes  to  fix  upon  me  the  gaze  of  a  conqueror, 
there  will  be  —  ha  !  ha  !  —  there  Avill  be  another  war." 

After  which  he  tucked  the  curtain-rod  under  one  arm  in 
a  stylish  and  Malacca  manner,  settled  the  boot-leg  and  tin 
rim  more  firmly  upon  his  brow,  and  accompanied  us  into  the 
gallery,  like  one  who  had  gone  through  a  financial  i^anic 
without  detraction  from  his  largest-sized  demeanor. 

Shall  I  confide  unto  you,  my  boy,  how  I  lent  the 
wealthy  Southron  my  piece  of  Smoked  Glass,  through 
which  to  observe,  without  detriment  to  his  sight,  the  most 
brilliant  scene  in  our  distracted  national  history;  and 
pointed  out  to  him  all  the  great  men  I  could  think  of, 
without  troubling  myself  much  as  to  whether  they  really 
were  those  great  men  or  not  ?  Shall  I  confide  to  you  that 
I  gave  all  the  principal  female  names  in  history  to  as 
many  spring-bonnets  as  I  could  see  ?  Let  me  do  nothing 
of  the  kind ;  for  is  not  such  conduct  the  exclusive  privilege 


80  THE   MARCH   OF   INTELLECT. 

of  the  fashionable  Washington  correspondents  of  all  our 
reliable  morning  journals  ? 

But  what  is  this  procession  that  mine  ejes  ]»ehol(l,  en- 
tering upon  the  stage  ? 

THE    SERGEANT-AT-ARMS, 

proclaiming  that   Impeachment   is   now  about  to  begin. 
Followed  by 

THE    CHIEF   JUSTICE, 

asking  himself  the  great  question,  "Am  I  am  I,  or  am  I 
not  am  I?" 

After  whom  came 

A    BLACKSMITH, 

to  "  rivet  the  attention  of  the  audience ;  " 

A    CARPENTER, 

to  erect  scaffolds  for  those  disposed  to  "hang  upon  tho 
speaker's  words ;  " 

A    GARDENER, 

to  attend  such  as  may  be  "  withered  by  his  invective ;  " 

MAN    WITH    HOSE, 

to  extinguish  parties  "  fired  by  his  eloquence." 
Succeeded  by  the  following 

MANAGERS  : 

Thaddeus  Stevens,  Thaddeus  Butler, 

Thaddeus  Bingham,  Thaddeus  Logan, 

Thaddeus  Boutwell,  Thaddeus  Williams, 

Thaddeus  Wilson. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  '  81 

COUNSEL : 

Andrew  Stanbery,  Andrew  Curtis, 

Andrew  Evarts,  Andrew  Nelson, 

Andrew  Groesbeck, 

Senators,  Witnesses,  etc. 

This  procession  having  come  fully  into  view,  Thaddeus 
Butler  stepped  forth  to  deliver  the  prologue  of  the  piece, 
which  he  gave  in  the  form  of  an 
argument. 

"Mr.  President  and  Gentlemen  of  the  Senate:  — 
The  onerous  duty  has  fallen  to  my  fortune  to  present  to 
you,  imperfectly  as  I  must,  the  several  absences  of  fact 
and  law  by  virtue  of  which  the  House  of  Representatives 
will  endeavor  to  sustain  the  cause  of  the  people  against 
the  President  of  the  United  States,  now  pending  at  your 
bar.  The  difficulty  of  defining  said  'people,'  the  unpre- 
cedented novelty  of  said  'cause,'  the  perfect  gravity  with 
which  we  are  trying  to  do  it  all,  and  the  evident  propriety 
of  holding  out  some  idea  that  the  questions  to  be  submitted 
to  your  adjudication  have  just  occurred  to  us,  —  each  and 
all  must  be  my  excuse  for  giving  you  as  much  speech  as 
human  patience  can  endure. 

''Now,  for  the  first  time  in  the  history  of  the  world, 
has  a  nation  brought  its  Chief  Magistrate  to  grief,  by  high 
legal  process,  for  administering  the  powers  and  duties  o^ 
his  high  office  in  a  manner  somewhat  disagreeable  to  the 
feelings  of  those  who  expressly  desired  him  to  do  other- 
wise.    In  other  times  and  lands  it  has  been  found  that 


82  couldn't  see  the  point. 

despotism  of  this  kind  could  never  be  brought  to  trial  in 
the  courts,  save  upon  rejoinder  of  the  defendant  to  recover 
costs  and  damages  for  frivolous  prosecution,  and,  in  the 
absence  of  assassination,  constitutional  nations  were  obliged 
to  endure  rulers  who  had  been  pronounced  mad  or  imbecile 
hj  many  whom  those  rulers  had  blindly  neglected  to  ap- 
point to  high  and  remunerative  office.  Only  recently, 
one  of  the  most  civilized  countries  in  the  world,  and  the 
one  which  we  imitate  and  abuse  the  most,  was  obliged  to 
submit  for  years  to  the  rule  of  a  king  currently  believed 
to  be  insane  by  every  great  man  whom  he  had  ever  failed 
to  make  a  prime-minister;  and  all  this  because  nobody 
could  hit  upon  any  particular  reason  for  his  removal. 

' '  Our  fathers  were  wiser  in  founding  our  government, 
and  provided,  constitutionally,  that  a  President  '  shall '  be 

*  removed,  on  conviction  of  '  treason,  bribery,  or  other  high 
crimes  and  misdemeanors.'  The  provision  is  exact  and 
comprehensive  in  every  particular,  save  one.  It  covers 
the  whole  ground  of  Impeachment,  save  the  specification 
of  just  what  a  disagreeable  man  can  be  impeached  for. 
This  was  wisely  done,  because  human  foresight  must  have 
been  inadequate,  and  the  most  ingenious  human  intelli- 
gence must  have  failed  in  the  task  of  anticipating  any- 
thing like  the  fine  point  to  which  modern  intellect  has 

•  brought  the  art  of  impeaching. 

' '  It  may  not  be  unamusing  to  remember,  that  the 
framers  of  our  Constitution  had  their  minds  improved,  and 
their  pride  of  human  calculation  humbled,  while  at  their 


SMOKED    GLASS.  83 

noble  work,  by  an  exemplary  case.  In  the  previous  year, 
only,  Thaddeus  Burke,  from  his  place  in  the  House  of 
Commons  of  England,  had  impeached  Thaddeus  Hastings 
for  the  misdemeanor  of  governing  India  in  such  a  manner 
as  to  absolutely  render  soldiers  and  politicians  unnecessary 
there.  The  mails  were  continually  bringing  the  gorgeous 
and  burning  speeches  of  the  impeachers  across  the  Atlan- 
tic; and  the  great  stress  laid  in  these  upon  the  above  facts, 
and  upon  the  additional  unheard-of  enormity  of  Hastings 
not  having  made  a  fortune  by  his  government,  so  worked 
upon  the  intellects  of  our  fathers,  that  they  at  once  gave 
up  all  earthly  hope  of  anticipating  what  a  man  might  be 
impeached  for  next,  and  left  the  document  open  for  modern 
improvements. 

' '  Now,  therefore,  we  have  the  question ;  what  are 
modern  impeachable  offences  ?  To  quote  from  the  learned 
judiciary  labors  of  my  able  friend,  the  Honorable  Thad- 
deus Lawrence,  of  Ohio,  we  define  an  impeachable  high 
crime  and  misdemeanor  to  be  an  act  committed  or  omitted 
in  violation  of  the  Constitution^  or  in  obedience  thereto; 
and  this  may  exist  without  violation  of  any  positive 
law  or  essential  prhiciple  of  government^  yet  he  es- 
teemed otherwise  hy  those  who^  from  any  motive  or 
jpurpose,  desire  to  impeach. 

"The  first  criticism  which  will  strike  the  mind  on  a 
thoughtful  examination  of  this  definition  is,  that  some  of 
the  despotic  outrages  enumerated  in  it  are  not  within  the 
common-sense  definition  of  Crimes.     You  will  find,  how- 


84  ARTICLES    01'     VIRTU. 

ever,  upon  turning  to  certain  notes  on  the  commentaries 
of  Thaddeus  Blackstone,  that  ^  ichen  the  ivords  ''high 
crimes  and  misdemeanors^''  are  used  in  Impeachment, 
such  luords  have  no  real  meaning  whatever^  hut  are 
tosed  merely  to  give  U7ispeakable  solemnity  to  the  charge."* 
It  being  settled,  therefore,  that  Impeachment  may  ensue 
from  an  act  either  committed  or  omitted,  and  that  the 
terms  of  the  accusation  have  really  no  earthly  meaning, 
we  next  proceed  to  consider  whether  there  actually  exists 
any  tribunal  to  try  the  case. 

"The  important  question  is,  ' Does  this  Senate  now  sit  as 
a  Court,  a  Jury,  or  a  Coroner's  Inquest?'  The  Constitu- 
tion seems  to  have  determined  it  to  be  the  latter,  because, 
under  its  provision,  a  man  must  be  politically  deceased 
before  he  can  get  any  justice  from  it.  You  cannot  be  a 
Court,  because  there  is  no  sign  of  law  about  any  of  your 
proceedings.  You  camiot  be  a  Jury,  because  you  cannot 
be  challenged,  and  have  made  up  your  minds  before  hear- 
ing a  word  of  the  case.  You  consult  no  laws  except  the 
laws  of  health,  and  hold  an  Inquest  by  those  rules  only 
which  refer  to  Parliamentary  'bodies.'  You  are  a  law 
unto  yourselves  and  to  no  one  else. 

''In  the  first  eight  Articles  of  our  charge  the  respond- 
ent is  accused  of  removing  Secretary  Stanton,  and  appoint- 
ing Mr.  Thomas  Secretary  ad  interim^  when  the  latter 
was  really  of  an  opposite  political  party  from  •  ours ; 
which  brings  before  the  American  Senate  and  people  this 
plain  issue :  Has  the  President,  under  the  Constitution, 


SMOKED    GLASS.  85 

the  more  than  kingly  prerogative  to  remove  executive 
officers  of  his  own  appointment,  and  replace  them  by 
others  who  are  not  of  our  appointment  ?  If  the  respond- 
ent can  prove  the  affirmative,  why  then  the  great  question 
arises,  whether  the  Presidential  office  itself  (if  it  has  any 
rights  whatever)  ought,  in  fact,  to  exist  as  a  part  of  the 
Constitutional  government  of  a  free  people  ?  If  not,  the 
respondent  has  no  business  to  be  President  at  all;  and 
whoever  votes  '  not  guilty '  on  our  Ai'ticles,  votes  to  sub- 
ject our  free  institutions  for  four  years  to  the  presidency 
of  any  man  who,  being  elected  President,  may  choose  to 
officiate  as  such. 

"Article  ninth  charges  that  Major-General  Thaddeua 
Emory  being  in  command  of  the  Military  Department  of 
"Washington,  respondent  did  feloniously  express  to  him  the 
belief  that  the  Act  of  March  2,  1867,  which  provides 
that  all  orders  from  the  President  shall  first  be  composed 
and  afterward  issued  by  General  Thaddeus  Grant,  was 
inconsistent  with  any  presidential  existence  at  all,  with 
intent  thereby  to  induce  Emory  to  feel  some  respect  for 
him,  and  not  treat  Thaddeus  Stanton  better  than  himself. 
If  this  transaction  stood  alone,  we  might  well  admit  that 
doubts  might  arise  as  to  whether  the  respondent  could  be 
executed  therefor;  but  when  Vfe  find  him  subsequently 
offering  a  brevet  to  Lieutenant-General  Sherman,  is  it  not 
plain  that  he  wanted  to  ingratiate  himself  with  the  army, 
so  that  at  least  one  General  would  recognize  him  in  the 
street  ?     Is  it  not  a  high  misdemeanor  for  the  President 


86 

to  accomplish  an  act,  which,  in  the  opinion  of  Congress, 
if  followed  by  another  and  different  act,  might  lead  to 
something  more  than  has  occurred  ? 

^'Ai'ticle  ten  alleges  that,  intending  to  produce  a 
question  of  the  undoubted  superiority  of  Congress  in  the 
odorous  personalities  of  eloquence,  he,  Andrew  Johnson, 
President  of  the  United  States,  did  make  public  speeches 
which,  upon  being  compared  with  innumerable  similar 
speeches  by  Congress  from  time  immemorial,  are  calcu- 
lated to  produce  the  impression  that  Congress  has  at  least 
a  competitor  in  the  art  of  political  vituperation,  and  to 
destroy  that  confidence  in  the  superior  vulgarity  of  Con- 
gressional oratory  which  is  one  of  the  elements  of  our 
national  complacency.  Competition  of  this  kind  with  the 
legislature  has  generally  preceded  a  seizure  by  a  despot 
of  the  legislative  power  of  the  country;  and  if  we, 
through  having  set  the  example,  cannot  accuse  the  re- 
spondent of  crime  in  attempting  the  first,  we  can  at  least 
assume  for  his  destruction  that  he  really  must  have  in- 
tended the  latter. 

' '  The  House  of  Representatives  has  done  its  duty.  We 
have  presented  the  absence  of  facts  in  a  constitutional 
manner,  and  demand  judgment  at  your  hands,  in  prefer- 
ence to  expecting  it  from  your  heads.  I  speak,  therefore, 
not  the  language  of  exaggeration,  but  the  words  of  truth 
and  soberness,  when  I  say,  that  the  future  political  welfare 
of  quite  a  number  of  persons,  not  accustomed  to  doing  any 


SMOKED    GLASS.  87 

thing  for  a  living,  hangs  trembling  on  the  decision  of  the 
hour."  * 

At  the  conclusion  of  this  able  argument,  all  of  which  I 
heard  through  mj  piece  of  Smoked  Glass,  quite  a  number 
of  the  audience  who  were  not  asleep  fled  stealthily  from 
the  house  with  a  strange  kind  of  terror  in  their  faces. 

''  Why  is  this  ?  "  ejaculated  I. 

''Thej  fly,"  says  the  Mackerel  Chaplain,  solemnly, 
"because  they  know  not  at  what  hour  they,  too,  may  be 
impeached.  It  is  a  serious  time  we  live  in,  and  who  can 
tell  when  he,  she,  or  it,  may  be  impeached?  " 

Put  your  house  in  order,  my  boy ;  for  if  you  have  either 
committed  or  omitted  any  act  whatsoever,  you  are  guilty 
of  a  very  high  crime  and  misdemeanor. 
Yours,  criminally, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 

*  See  Appendix  for  the  original  of  this  great  Argument,  1. 


LETTER  VI. 

WHICH  ATTEMPTS  THE  SUBLIME,  BUT  SUCCEEDS  TO  A  CERTAIN  EXTENT 
only;  yet  quotes  favorite  passages  from  THE  PREVAILING 
DRAMA  AS  THEY  ARE  BEING  SIMULTANEOUSLY  GROUND  OUT,  TO  GREAT 
APPLAUSE,  BY  ♦*  ORGANS  "  ALL  ABOUT  THE  COUNTRY. 

Washikgton,  D.  C,  April  9,  1868. 

Though  crash  linked  tliunders  on  the  ears  of  all,  like 
Titan  statues  crumbling  in  their  fall;  though  burns  the 
lightning  over  wires  of  rain,  as  gods  to  gods  did  telegraph 
the  slain;  though  rocks  Creation  TN'ith  the  battle's  din, 
and  Heav'n's  own  portals  let  the  war-fiends  in ;  still,  above 
all,  slow  circling  in  the  skj,  dark  as  the  storm  and  as  the 
azure  high,  sweeps  the  lone  Bird  whose  wing-ed  throne  of 
air  finds  in  the  whirlwind  but  a  higher  stair.  Still, 
while  the  tempest  laps  all  earth  below;  still,  while  his 
ejrie  reels  to  thunder-blow ;  still,  while  the  clouds  from 
niffht  to  instant  morn  blaze  at  his  feet  a  nest  for  demons 

o 

born,  crown  of  the  gale  in  steady  ring  he  flies,  scathless, 
of  iron  beak  and  glittering  eyes ;  and  the  red  bolts  that 
rive  a  world  in  wrath  fright  not  his  pinions  from  their 
solemn  path. 

I  allude,  my  boy,  to  that  philosophical  fowl,  the  Ameri- 
can eagle,  whose  unspeakable  equanimity  under  national 
disaster  was  what  may  be  termed  the  egg  of  my  lay  two 


SMOKED    GLASS.  89 

weeks  ago,  and  to  which  I  return  with  a  still  loftier  lay 
on  this  occasion.  It  is  a  curious  and  bewildering  thing  to 
behold  a  bird  of  such  unconquerable  equilibrium,  and  I 
was  exchanging  notes  upon  the  subject  with  Captain  Sam- 
yule  Sa-mith,  when  we  were  joined  by  a  respectable  chap, 
of  much  tight  pants,  from  New  York. 

"  Well,  my  Central  Parker,"  said  I,  impressively, 
"how  beats  the  pulse  of  the  Empire  State?  Does  the 
great  case,  now  being  tried,  excite  in  you  that  serious 
interest  and  grave  foreboding  which  every  thoughtful 
patriot  should  feel  ?  " 

^'It  does  !  it  does  !  "  sighed  he,  hastily  putting  on  his 
eye-glasses  to  look  more  like  Fifth  Avenue.  •'  We  all  feel 
anxious  — most  anxious  about  the  trial,  since  its  result 
must  affect  millions.  This  is  indeed  a  serious  time,  and 
woe  be  unto  us  if  victory  remains  with  the  narrow-gauge 
men." 

"Yes,  indeed,"  says  I,  sorrowfully;  "those  men  who 
presume  to  dictate  everything  to  others  by  their  own  nar- 
row gauge,  think  more  of  themselves  than  of  their  coun- 
try." I  shook  his  hand  in  deep  sympathy,  and  says  I, 
"  And  what  will  you  do  in  that  event  ?  " 

"  Why,"  says  he,  "  we  shall  still  take  "stock  in  the  wide- 
gauge;  believing  that  it  is  sure,  in  any  event,  to  reach 
Chicago." 

"You  believe,  then,"  said  I,  appreciatively,  "that  a 
wider  gauge  of  thought  will  be  adopted  by  those  who  are 
8* 


90  IT-WILL-XOT-PAY-TRIOTISM. 

shortly  to  meet  in  Chicago  for  the  nomination  of  a  new 
President?" 

He  looked  at  me  severely,  and  says  he,  ' '  Would  you 
be  kind  enough,  my  inebriated  friend,  to  tell  me  what  you 
are  talking  about?  " 

''The  Impeachment  Trial,"  says  I,  sternly.  "  ^Miat 
other  great  case  should  I  mean?  " 

"  Oh,"  says  he,  "  you  spoke  so  seriously,  that  I  thought 
you  meant  the  Erie  Railroad  case.  I  don't  know  much 
about  the  other  case." 

"  Samyule,"  said  I,  hotly,  "what  do  you  think  of  such 
a  state  of  public  sentiment  as  this  ?  " 

""Well,  really,"  says  Samyule,  thoughtfully,  "it 
appears  to  me  —  it  really  appears  to  me,"  says  Samyule, 
"  that  I  never  saw  so  much  equilibrium." 

Bird  of  my  Country !  never  mind  what  happens,  but 
just  keep  soaring  on.  If  a  few  earthquakes  should  hap- 
pen, to  your  native  land  at  any  time,  accompanied  by 
small-pox,  a  new  poem  by  Mr.  Tupper,  and  other  great 
calamities,  you  will  probably  take  that  occasion  to  conduct 
yourself  like  a^  cheerful  canary. 

In  this  state  of  things,  my  boy,  when  the  terrible  and 
majestic  drama  of  Impeachment  fails  to  infect  our  Ameri- 
can fellow-beings  with  that  seemly  gravity  which  such  a 
performance  should  produce,  it  will  not  pay  me  —  it  posi- 
tively will  not  pay  me,  my  boy,  to  treat  of  it  in  my  most 
expensive  and  dignified  manner.  Mr.  Greeley's  very 
longest  "  Advice  to  Young  Men  "  was  never  received  with 


SMOKED    GLASS.  91 

more  scandalous  alternations  of  slumber  and  levity  than 
an  unworthy  but  comic  nation  has  given  to  this  impressive 
production ;  and  I  come  of  too  respectable  a  family  to  set 
forth  all  the  awful  details  of  an  inexpressible  public  solem- 
nity merely  for  the  benefit  of  an  unseasonably  hilarious 
populace.  When  a  great  and  exciting  people  get  down  to 
this  depth  of  irreverence,  it  is  time  for  Bancroft,  Motley, 
and  myself  to  spare  ourselves  a  little  in  the  more  sacred 
portions  of  our  historical  works. 

Believing,  however,  that  there  may  be  here  and  there  a 
reader  who,  from  being  married,  or  from  having  under- 
taken to  read  the  last  number  of  the  "  Atlantic  Monthly," 
is  sufficiently  wretched  in  his  mind  to  take  an  interest  in 
the  miseries  of  his  country,  I  will  quote  for  his  benefit  a 
few  passages  from  the  dialogue  of  the  terrible  drama  now 
acting  here,  — 

Scene,  —  the  High  Court  op  Impeachment.  ,i 

(The  Senate  discovered  sitting  as  a  Court.     Enter  Chief  Justice,  Managers 
of  Impeachment,  Counsel  for  President,  and  Witnesses.) 

FIRST   MANAGER.  » 

Oh,  say,  did  you  see,  as  aforesaid,  one  night,. 

The  person  now  known  as  ad  interim  Thomas, 
Whose  broad  straps  and  three  stars  on  his  shoulders  upright, 

The  paraphernalia  of  greatness  were  rum  as  ? 
Did  his  eyeball's  red  glare,  and  his  bomb-bursting  air, 
Give  proof  that  the  President  told  him  to  scare 
Our  War-OfiBce  Stanton,  and  cause  him  to  waive 
His  right  to  such  place  i^  the  land  of  the  brave  ? 


92  POPULAR   AIRS. 

FIRST  WITNESS. 

When  last  I  saw  old  Thomas, 

'Twas  at  a  fancy  ball, 
He  had  his  regimentals  on, 

And  looked  uncommon  tall. 
I  asked  h  im  what  he  meant  to  do 

If  Stanton  urged  a  doubt 
Concerning  what  he'd  power  to  try  ? 

He  said  he'd  kick  him  out. 


As  we  talked  of  the  place  of  war 
That  man  of  the  army  star, 
Good-natured  old  soul. 
Would  have  told  me  the  whole, 
Had  I  let  him  progress  so  far. 

COUKSEL  FOR  THE  PRESIDENT. 

Belieye  us  if  all  those  familiar  remarks 

Thou  hast  heard  from  another  were  thine. 
They  would  still  be  as  dear  to  these  manager-sharks, 

And  meet  a  construction  as  fine. 
But  we  here  cannot  see  why  the  language  should  be 

As  President  Johnson's  construed. 
And  herewith  we  protest,  with  our  hand  on  our  breast, 

Against  all  such  evidence  crude. 

FIRST  MAKAGER. 

We  can  prove  conspiracy 
By  the  words  he  used,  sir, 

'Twixt  the  President  and  him— 
If  we're  not  confused,  sir. 

Witness,  tell  us  all  you  said ; 
Likewise  all  the  man  did. 

Tell  the  tale,  and  keep  it  up. 
And  with  the  Court  be  candid. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  93 

\ 

FIRST   WITNESS. 

If  you  fail  (said  I  to  him), 

Try,  try  again. 
Delaware  expects  you  to 

Try,  try  again. 
All  that  other  folks  can  do, 
Why,  with  patience,  may  not  you  ? 
Delaware  expects  you  to 

Try,  try  again. 

If  I  do  (said  he  to  me). 

Try,  try  again, 
Minister  of  War  to  be, 

What  happens  then  ? 
What  if  Congress  catch  me  there  ? 
You'll  (said  I)  be  still  as  fair 
In  the  eyes  of  Delaware. 

Try,  try  again. 

COUNSEL  FOR  PRESIDENT. 

'Mid  Delaware's  apothegms  though  he  may  roam, 

We  still  can  see  nothing  that  brings  the  charge  home ; 

A  charm  from  the  skies  may  well  hallow  them  there^ 

But,  search  through  the  world,  they're  not  wanted  elsewhere. 

Come  !  come  !  But-l-er,  come  ! 
We  wish  to  hear  something  that  brings  the  charge  home. 

FIRST  MANAGER. 

Witness  second,  take  the  stand,  — 
Please  to  raise  your  honest  hand, 

And  we'll  swear  you  to  assert  but  what  is  true. 
As  reporter  you'll  revamp 
All  that  Johnson  on  his  tramp 
Through  the  Western  States  was  pleased  to  say  and  do. 
Tramp,  tramp,  tramp,  you  went  reporting; 

Cheer  up  mem'ry,  now,  and  tell 
What  his  speeches  were  about  when  the  rabble  called  him  out, 
And  you  caught  his  words  of  anger  as  they  fell. 


94  MELLOW   D- 

I 


COUNSEL  FOU  PKBSIDEST. 

Witness  discreet  has  lost  his  sheet, 
And  don't  know  where  to  find  it;  — 

FIRST  MANAGER. 

Leave  him  to  show't;  he's  many  a  note 
That  carries  a  tale  behind  it. 

SECOND  WITNESS. 

The  President's  speech  I  remember  right  well  — 
Delivered  in  Cleveland,  before  an  hotel; 
His  hearers  were  chaps  in  habiliments  old, 
Who  had  no  large  fortunes  in  silver  and  gold. 
Chorus.  —  "  My  countrymen,"  —  Bully  for  Andy  !  —  Shut  up  ! 

"  Allow  me  to  "  —  Traitor  !  —  You  Judas  !  —  You  pup  ! 

How  'bout  New  Orleans  !  —  "  Just  allow  me  to  say, 

Ri-tural,  ri-tural,  ri-tural,  ri-day." 

COUNSEL  FOR    PRESIDENT. 

Though  dear  to  your  heart  are  the  scenes  of  that  wild-mood. 

When  fond  recollection  presents  them  to  view, 
Yet  green  as  the  meadow  and  simple  as  childhood 

You  take  us  to  be,  if  you  think  that  will  do  ! 
The  cot  of  your  father,  the  dairy-house  nigh  it. 

You'd  doubtless  remember,  and  equally  well ; 
But  mem'ry's  not  evidence,  —  here  we  deny  it,  — 

And  dripping  with  "coolness"  you  must  be  to  tell. 

FIRST  MANAGER. 

We  wish  to  prove  respondent  drunk 

For  a  few  days,  a  few  days. 
When  he  was  trav'ling  with  his  trunk, 

A  few  days  on  his  way. 
He  tried  to  speak  all  night, 

He  tried  to  speak  all  day; 
His  pace  would  tire  a  bob-tail  horse, 

And  turn  reporter  gray. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  95 

COUNSEL  FOR  PRESIDENT. 

If  it  won't  bo  called  a  crime  wo  must  ask  a  littlo  time, 
Which,  surely,  you'll  bo  lib'ral,  in  accordin'; 
Our  witnesses  at  best  are  scatter'd  East  and  West, 
And  some  are  on  tho  other  side  of  Jordan. 

CHORUS  OF  MANAGERS  AND  SENATORS. 

Ho  has  wounded  tho  country  that  loved  him. 

That  cherished  his  image  four  years. 
And  we'll  give  you,  his  counsel,  till  Thursday, 

For  sickness,  for  sorrow,  and  tears. 
Like  young  birds  escaped  from  the  fowler 

You'll  chance  for  the  moment  to  feel ; 
But  tho  snare  has  been  set  for  the  prowler, 

And  you  will  be  trapped  by  the  steel. 

CHORUS  OF  COUNSEL. 

Oh,  we  will  plead  on  Thursday,  and  Friday,  and  next  day; 
But  we  must  not  plead  on  Sunday,  when  Sabbath  schools  begin. 
And  we  can  plead  on  Monday,  and  Tuesday,  and  We'n'sday; 
But  we  must  not  plead  on  Sunday  for  that  would  bo  a  sin. 

EXEUNT  OMNES.* 

It  is  some  consolation  for  the  friend  of  his  country  and 
of  virtue  to  know,  my  boy,  that  much  of  this  sacred  music 
is  popular  enough  to  be  ground  by  organs  all  about  the 
country.  Subscribe  at  once  for  some  party  ''organ,"  if 
you  disbelieve  me,  and  the  first  week's  experience  of  such 
melody  shall  make  you  regret  the  absence  of  that  enliven- 
ing monkey  which,  when  connected  with  the  other  organs, 
is  not  forever  imprisoned  in  an  editor's  chair. 

Yours,  organically, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 

♦  See  Appendix,  2. 


LETTER    VII. 

CHARGING  THE  RADICALS  WITH  THE  CONTINUED  AND  EXASPERATING  WET 
weather;  SETTING  FORTH  THE  GREAT  WRONG  DONE  TO  THE  CON- 
SERVATIVE KENTUCKY  CHAP;  REPEATING  A  CONVERSATION  IN  THE 
BOXES  AND  SCENE  ON  THE  STAGE  OF  THE  THEATRE  OF  WAR;  REMARK- 
ING THE  FIRST  OF  THE  SOLILOQUIES  FOR  THE  DEFENCE;  AND  AN- 
NOUNCING   A    VISIT    FROM    THE    DIREFUL   "  KU-KLUX  KLAN." 

Washikqton,  D.  C,  April  16,  1868. 

When  matters  have  reached  such  a  pass  that  an  Ameri- 
ean  citizen  of  Caucasian  descent  cannot  even  step  out  to 
get  a  glass  of  water  and  a  clove  for  his  cold,  without  carry- 
ing an  umbrella  along,  it  is  time  for  everj  suffering  mem- 
ber of  our  excellent  national  Democratic  organization  to 
ask  himself,  How  long  are  we  to  endure  this  Radical 
rain  of  terror  ?  Did  we  have  as  much  rain  as  this  in  the 
days  of  Andrew  Jackson,  when  the  Constitution  of  our 
forefathers  was  respected,  and  an  able  Democratic  organi- 
zation drank  so  little  water  that  storms  were  not  needed  to 
keep  up  the  supply  ?  Alas !  my  boy,  the  impeaching 
Jacobins  now  in  power  have  plotted  this  wet  season  for 
the  express  purpose  of  making  one  Wade,  and  I  firmly 
believe  that  the  end  will  be  dampnation ! 

'Twas  on  Tuesday  morn  that  the  Conservative  Ken- 
tucky Chap  undertook  to  preserve  a  slice  of  lemon  from 
decomposition  by  wrapping  it  in  four  thingfuls  of  whiskey, 

96 


SMOKED    GLASS.  97 

one  of  sugar,  and  one  of  hot  water;  inclosing  the  whole 
in  a  fresh  glass  tumbler,  and  placing  the  preparation 
upon  the  window-ledge  to  cool  until  he  should  be  able  to  add 
a  spoon.  Owing  to  the  unseemly  combination  of  the  Kadi- 
cals  with  the  enemies  of  their  country,  a  heavy  shower  at 
once  came  up,, and  so  weakened  the  lemon  that  it  became 
injurious  to  the  constitution  of  Kentucky.  Noticing  the 
ghastly  smile  that  overspread  the  Conservative  counte- 
nance of  the  poor  chap  when  he  tasted  the  diluted  fruit, 
and  discovered  how  debilitated  it  had  become,  I  touched 
his  elbow,  and  says  I,  — 

''Are  the  waters  of  disappointment  bitter  to  the  taste, 
my  Knight  of  the  Golden  Circle?  or  do  your  features 
writhe  thus  because  the  fluid  of  Kentucky  fails  in  its 
duty?" 

The  Conservative  Kentucky  Chap  feverishly  caught  at 
an  ivory  faro-check,  which  had  accidentally  fallen  from  its 
place  as  one  of  his  sleeve-buttons,  and  says  he,  — 

"  The  favorite  fluid  of  Kentucky  will  frequently  fail  in 
its  duty,  when  that  duty  is  two  dollars  a  gallon ;  but  that 
is  not  the  cause  of  my  suffering.  Here  have  I  been  try- 
ing to  make  some  lemon-syrup  for  my  cough,"  says  he, 
bitterly,  "and  it  has  been  rained  into  until  all  the  Old 
Rye  is  washed  out.  Hem  !  "  says  the  Conservative  Ken- 
tucky Chap,  fiercely,  ' '  if  Kentucky  has  much  more  of 
her  lemon-syrup  spoiled  by  any  more  soaking  rain  what- 
soever, she  will  believe  that  her  Radical  foes  intend  a 
second  deluge,  and  demand  an  Ark." 
9 


98  THE  bon't  on. 

''You  think,  then,"  sajs  I,  soothingly,  ''that  this  wot 
Kadical  weather  tends  to  anarchy ;  and  demand  an  Ark, 
in  consequence,  wherein  to  seek  some  safe  place  on  a  Con- 
servative Ararat." 

"Hem!"  says  he,  thoughtfully,  "those  who  want  a 
place  on  ary-rat  can  have  it ;  but  Kentucky  would  prefer 
a  place  in  the  Custom  mouse." 

Another  shower  happening  to  commence  just  then,  he 
went  away  through  it  like  a  despondent  Noah,  leaving  me 
to  ponder  his  words,  and  pay  my  usual  visit  to  the  theatre 
of  Impeachment. 

In  regai'd  to  this  latter  temple  of  the  moral  drama,  I 
may  here  say  to  you,  my  boy,  that  the  business  is  steadily 
declining ;  and  there  have  been  no  really  good  houses  this 
week.  The  stars  engaged  by  the  managers  have,  in  some 
instances,  been  so  careless  about  learning  their  parts;  the 
corps  de  bully  has  executed  its  faux  pas,  at  times,  with  so 
little  grace;  the  merry- Andrew  men  have  given  their 
break-downs  with  so  little  spirit, — that  the  patrons  of  the 
histrionic  art  in  this  city  begin  to  weary  of  the  play.  On 
the  day  of  which  I  am  now  treating,  however,  the  fact 
that  Sergeant  OTake,  of  the  unconquerable  Mackerel 
Brigade,  was  to  make  his  fii'st  appearance,  and  that  a 
great  soliloquy  was  to  be  delivered,  caused  quite  a  fair 
audience  to  assemble. 

Lovely  woman  was  there,  with  just  Enough  spring-bon- 
net on  to  constitute  a  private  crosswalk  on  the  elaborate 
Central  Park  of  her  head:    and  didn't  rustle  her  dress 


SMOKED    GLASS.  99 

much  more  than  enough  to  drive  seven  middle-aged  ama- 
teurs of  Impeachment  to  distraction.  But  what  shall  I 
saj  concerning  the  conduct  of  those  unmarried  male 
beings,  in  yellow  kids  and  disgracefully  short  skirts,  who 
kept  leaning  over  the  seats,  between  the  bonnets,  like  dis- 
located pairs  of  tongs  between  fancy  feather-dusters,  and 
audibly  informing  the  latter  just  how  the  play  was  going 
to  turn  out? 

*'But  tell  me,  De  Mortimer,"  whispered  one  fair  girl, 
"does  the  hero  of  the  piece  prove  himself  innocent  of  all 
the  High  Crimes,  and  marry  Miss  Demeanor  at  last?  " 

''No,  Miss  Smytherly,"  returned  De  Mortimer; 
"  Thaddeus  Butler,  you  know,  who  represents  the  heirs 
to  the  Jonathan  estate,  insists  upon  it  that  Jonathan  him- 
self has  become  so  weakened  in  his  Constitution  by  inter- 
nal rupture,  that  it  is  better  to  cut  ofif  his  head  at  once 
and  divide  his  property.  The  hero,  you  see,  objects  to 
this,  and  pretends  that  Jonathan's  Constitution  may  be 
saved  yet,  and  refuses  to  be  himself  cut  off  from  attending 
the  invalid  until  the  latter  tells  him  to  go.  Very  well, 
then,  say  the  heirs,  if  that  is  your  plea,  we'll  meet  it  by 
assuming  that  Jonathan  is  already  dead.  This  court,  say 
they,  is  actually  sitting  as  a  Coroner's  Inquest,  and  must 
order  Jonathan's  head  cut  off  in  order  to  justify  its  own 
sitting,  —  else,  why  should  it  make  Inquest  ?  So  all  the 
Coroner's  Jurors  have  to  decide  that  way,  you  know,  and 
find  the  hero  guilty  of  trying  to  prevent  the  Inquest ;  and 
Mr.  Wade  is  appointed  administrator." 


100  BREVETY   THE   SOUL   OF  WIT. 

"How  perfectly  ridiculous  !  "  says  Miss  Smjtherlj. 

"  Oh,  yes,"  says  De  Mortimer;  ''but  the  piece  is  from 
the  French,  you  know,  and  must  be  Frcnchy.  The  corps 
de  bully  is  the  real  attraction,  you  see,  and  the  rest  but  a 
mere  excuse  for  introducing  it." 

This  style  of  whispering  at  a  play  may  be  all  very  well, 
my  boy,  for  the  fragile  female  mind,  which  can't  bear  sus- 
pense ;  but  there  may  be  persons  in  a  theatrical  audie^ce 
who  do  not  care  to  have  the  whole  interest  of  the  plot  an- 
ticipated for  them. 

After  which  biting  sarcasm  at  the  expense  of  the  male 
being  in  yellow  kids,  I  proceed  to  note  the  debut  of  Ser- 
geant O'Pake,  who,  having  recently  taken  the  pledge, 
has  refused  to  take  a  brevet  with  the  President.  Manager 
Thaddeus  Butler  looked  at  him  obliquely,  and  says  he,  — 

' '  Sergeant,  you  are  now  in  the  presence  of  your  Maker 
and  Myself  to  answer  truly  unto  all  that  I  ask  you,  and  to 
refuse  all  answers  to  questions  from  the  insects  for  the  de- 
fence. At  the  time  of  your  interview  with  the  thing 
called  Johnson,  was  he,  or  was  he  not,  in  such  an  attitude 
as  to  render  it  possible  for  him  to  ofifer  you  a  brevet?  " 

OTake.     ''He  was." 

Manager.  "From  the  sound  of  his  voice,  was  it 
likely  that  he  could  have  asked  you,  audibly,  to  take  a 
brevet  with  him,  and  thereby  be  bribed  to  become  his  ally 
in  a  usurpation?  " 

O'Pake.     "He  was  able  to  speak,  and  of  course  he 


A   verv  cross  examination. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  101 

could  have  spoken  audibly  on  any  subject ;  but  I  am  not 
prepared  to  —  " 

Manager.  "I  must  insist  on  a  direct  answer  to  my 
question,  without  comment.  Was  the  sound  of  his  voice 
such  that  it  would  have  been  possible  for  him  to  ask  you, 
audibly,  —  so  that  if  another  person  had  been-  present  that 
person  could  have  heard  it,  —  to  take  a  brevet  with  him?" 

OTake.     ''It  was." 

Manager.     "That  is  sufficient.     No  sane  member  of 

the  jury  will  dare  to  doubt,  after  this,  that  Johnson  has 

» 

attempted  to  corrupt  the  army.  Have  the  maniacs  for 
the  defence  anything  to  say  to  the  Sergeant?  " 

Andrew  Stanbery,  one  of  the  counsel  for  the  de- 
fence, tore  his  hair  at  this  crisis,  and  says  he,  — 

"You  say.  Sergeant,  that  our  client  was  in  such  an  at- 
titude as  to  render  it  possible  for  him  to  offer  you  a  bre- 
vet.    Did  he  offer  it?" 

Manager  Butler.  "I  object.  The  defendant  is  on 
trial  for  High  Crimes  and  Misdemeanors,  and  his  mere 
acts  are  of  no  account.  What  WE  have  to  prove  is  that 
his  attitudes  rendered  it  possible  for  him  to  do  what  is 
charged  against  him." 

Coroner  (represented  by  supernumerary  Chase) .  ' '  The 
Court  thinks  that  the  last  question  is  admissible,  but  will 
leave  it  to  the  Jury." 

The  Jury  then  took  a  vote,  which  resulted  in  forty-nine 
Thaddeuses  against  the  question,  to  one  Andrew  for  it. 


102  ATTITUDE   SETTLES   STANDING. 

Thereupon  Andrew  Evarts,  another  of  the  counsel,  rent 
his  garments  with  anguish,  and  sajs  he,  — 

^'  Sergeant  O'Pake,  you  say  that  our  client's  voice 
could  have  articulated  a  request  for  you  to  take  a  brevet 
with  him.     Did  he  request  you  to  take  it?  " 

Manager  Butler.  ^'  I  object.  It  is  our  purpose  to 
prove  that  the  prisoner's  voice  was  such  as  to  have  made 
it  possible  for  him  to  have  articulated  the  request;  and, 
presumptively  therefrom,  that  he  did  do  it.  The  own 
, words  of  a  criminal  on  trial  are  never  accepted  as  evi- 
dence,  and  I  am  surprised  that  the  learned  insect  on  the 
other  side  has  dared  to  put  such  a  question." 

Coroner  (represented  by  supernumerary  Chase). 
''  The  Court  is  of  the  opinion  that  the  counsel's  question 
should  be  allowed,  if  that  of  the  manager  is,  but  will  leave 
it  to  the  Jury." 

The  Jury  then  took  a  vote,  which  resulted  in  forty-nine 
Thaddeuses  against  allowing  the  question,  and  one  Andrew 
for  it. 

Manager  Butler.  ''Sergeant  O'Pake  may  with- 
draw. We  have  succeeded  in  proving  by  him  that  the 
criminal  is  presumptively  guilty,  by  being  in  an  attitude, 
and  having  articulate  ability,  to  intoxicate  and  corrupt  the 
army  with  brevets.*  The  managers  will  now  go  to  their 
dinners,  and  advise  the  Jury  to  do  the  same,  while  the 
learned  Andrew  Curtis  delivers  his  soliloquy  for  the  de- 
fence." 

♦  General  Sherman's  testimony. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  103 

Two  days,  my  boy,  were  occupied  by  this  soliloquy, 
during  which  the  jurors  ate  sandwiches,  wrote  home  to 
their  families,  and  animatedly  discussed  the  prospects  for 
the  Presidency  in  186^.  It  was  really  a  great  courtesy 
to  the  counsel  for  the  defence  to  allow  their  associate  the 
use  of  the  Senate  Chamber  for  the  delivery  of  his  so- 
liloquy ;  and  the  delicacy  with  which  the  whole  Court  re- 
frained from  listening  to  a  single  word  of  it  must  have 
afforded  him  and  his  associates  all  the  luxury  of  being 
entirely  alone ;  yet  Andrew  Stanbery  has  been  sick  ever 
since. 

At  a  late  hour  last  evening,  as  I  sat  reflecting  upon 
all  this  in  my  room  at  Willard's,  a  member  of  the  freed- 
nef^ro  race  brouf^ht  me  a  card  inscribed  thus,  —  * 


-m 


K.  K.  K. 

Cold  Victuals  Klan. 
(Print  of  the  mooa  reduced  to  her  "last  Quarter.") 

Klansmen  —  Behold  the 

Deed  without  a  name  — 

(Lithograph  of  a  Sixth-Mortgage,  without  signature.) 

By  the  cause  we  failed  to  win  ; 

By  our  solemn  Southern  pact; 
By  our  utter  lack  of  tin;  — 

Come  and  sign  the  Bankrupt  Act. 

(Revenue  Stamp.)  (Forney  Print.) 


-52 


♦Appendix,  3. 


104 

As  I  perused  this  mystic  and  awful  document,  the  per- 
spiration came  out  freely  upon  my  lofty  brow,  and  I 
turned  to  the  member  of  the  freed-negro  race  in  trembling 
haste. 

''  Who  gave  you  this?  "  asked  I,  fearfully. 

The  honest  African's  teeth  chattered,  and  says  he,  — 
''  S"help  me  gad,  I  don't  know,  mars'r ;  but  I  think  he's  a 
gemman  from  de  Alms  House." 

"  Show  him  up,"  said  I,  with  great  agitation. 

The  freed  bondman  disappeared,  and  in  four  moments 
thereafter  I  beheld  a  dreadful  figure  entering  my  room. 
It  was  a  tall,  gaunt  shape,  wearing  an  overcoat  striped 
blue  and  red,  and  inscribed  ''  Smithby's  Patent  Weather- 
Proof  Awning."  Over  its  shoulders,  and  hanging  just 
below  the  waist,  was  an  additional  flowing  white  linen 
surtout,  marked, -''  Jinks"s  Celebrated  French  Yoke  Shirts. 
No.  —  Broadway."  Against  the  empty  stomach  of  the 
spectre  hung  a  hand-organ,  and  under  his  left  arm  he  car- 
ried a  penny-seeking  monkey. 

"Horrible  mockery,"  cried  I,  instinctively  feeling  for 
my  pocket-book,  "what  wantest  thou  of  me?  I've  got 
nothing  to  advertise ;  I  don't  want  to  purchase  a  water- 
proof awning :  and  as  for  French  yoke  shirts,  I  belong  to 
a  nation  which  recently  helped  the  INIexicans  to  get  rid  of 
them.     AVho  art  thou?" 

The  dreadful  shape  tucked  the  monkey  more  tightly 
under  his  arm,  and  says  he,  — 

"I'm  the  Ku-Klux  Klan!  "     Here  the  spectre  smiled 


SMOKED    GL.^SS.  105 

horribly,  and  deposited  the  half  of  a  boot-leg  which  vSeiTed 
him  for  a  hat  upon  a  table  near  my  open  window. 

'•Look  out,"  says  I,  cautiously,  ''or  that  chapeau  will 
blow  into  the  street." 

"It  can't,"  says  he,  in  a  hollow  voice;  "there's  a 
heavy  mortgage  on  it." 

Struck  by  the  familiarity  of  the  voice,  I  looked  more 
closely  at  him,  and  recognized  Loyola  Munchausen.  There 
he  stood,  a  perfect  walking-advertisement  of.  the  sunny 
South,  and  I  paused  to  hear  him  speak  again. 

"  My  mission,"  says  he,  proudly,  "  is,  in  the  first  place, 
to  ask  if  you  have  anything  to  advertise  with  my  Klan, 
which  is  now  issuing  cards  in  every  style,  —  '  K.  K.  K., — 
niortgages  for  all, — sign  of  a  coffin.  Try  Jobbins's 
cough-drops,  —  sign  of  a  dagger.  Our  Plantation  Bitters 
are  the  Best,  —  sign  of  a  serpent.  Use  Podger's  Hair- 
Dye.'  If  you  refuse  'to  avail  yourself  of  this  popular 
medium,  we  fall  back  upon  our  countless  wrongs,  and  de- 
mand —  Demand,  by  Heaven  !  —  that  some  quarter  shall 
be  shown  the  South." 

I  silently  handed  him  a  quarter. 

"  Do  you  want  a  tune  for  this  ?  "  says  he,  loftily,  placing 
the  money  in  his  clam-shell  pocket-book,  "  do  you  wish  to 
witness  the  gyrations  of  the  monkey  in  return  for  showing 
quarter  to  my  section?  " 

Sadly  I  answered  in  the  negative,  and  he  departed  as 
abruptly  as  he  had  arrived. 

The   South,  my  boy,  may  have  slept  once  upon  soft 


106  ANT   OLD   HATS,    OLD    BOOTS? 


down,  but  she  is  now  hard  up ;  and  from  what  I  have  seen 
of  the  spring  styles  worn  by  her  sons  this  year,   I  am 
fii'mly  con^'inced  that  she  sadly  needs  re-di'ess. 
Yours,  charitably, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 


LETTER   VIII. 

CHANTING  AN  ASTONISHING  LAY  IN  HONOR  OF  CLEAR  WEATHER  ONCE 
more;  IRREVERENTLY  LIKENING  THE  STATELY  ABODE  OF  CONGRESS 
TO  A  stomach;  MENTIONING  AN  ATTEMPTED  SPECULATION  WITH  CAP- 
TAIN SAMYULE  SA-MITH,  IN  REAL  ESTATE,  AT  TAIKACHOR  COURT  HOUSE; 
AND  SAMPLING  ANDREW  NELSON'S  SOLILOQUY. 

Washington,  D.  C,  April  25,  18G8. 

Behold  me  emerging  at  last,  my  boy,  from  under  an 
umbrella,  and  rejoicing  to  find  the  daily  ''  Sun"  issued  once 
more  in  clear  type,  and  exchanging  only  with  the  "Evening 
Star."  To  be  sure,  the  recent  rain  came  down  in  sheets 
and  must  have  caused  quite  a  rush  to  reed  along  the  shore; 
but  in  our  inland  places  like  this  we  prefer  to  find  the  sun 
on  our  doorstep  of  a  morning,  and  as  the  season  advances, 
it  will  be  more  and  more  red.  Surveying  it  with  a  specu- 
lative American  orb  of  vision,  I  cannot  but  regret  that  it 
excludes  all  advertisements  weather  fair  or  foul ;  for  who 
can  doubt  that,  with  its  rising  circulation  in  the  East,  and 
its  "set"  value  in  the  West,  it  would  be  an  invaluable 
medium  for  dealers  in  Light  literature  ?  But,  after  all,  it 
rayses  its  terms  too  high  for  such  use ;  and  the  gravity  of 
our  relations  with  it  need  not  be  disturbed  by  speculations 
as  to  how  it  can  support  itself  while  being  furnished  so 
cheaply  to  all  creation  as  a  "  cent  "-re  piece  ! 

I  cannot  explain  just  why  I  have  taken  such  a  printer's 

107 


108  DULCE   DOME-UM. 

view  of  old  Sol  at  this  season,  unless  it  is  because  this  sea- 
son is  called  "printemps  "  in  French ;  but  I  know  that  these 
two  or  three  shiny  days,  after  so  much  wet  weather,  have 
at  once  given  me  strong  hopes  of  losing  the  moat  from  my 
own  eye,  and  left  me  disposed  for  anything  rather  than  the 
removal  of  the  beam  from  my  brother's  eye.  I  am  not  a 
married  man ;  I  have  no  wife  of  my  bosom  to  bear  me  lit- 
tle Bills,  followed,  mayhap,  by  a  little  Sue ;  and  it  js  only 
natural  that  I  should  show  some  enthusiasm  for  the  only 
sun  I  have.  If  not  offspring,  it  is  at  least  of  Spring :  and 
if  I  am  not  its  father,  it  certainly  cannot  get  much  farther 
away  from  me.  If  not  a  parent  in  the  ordinary  sense  to 
any  particular  son,  this  sun  makes  me  apparent  to  all  men, 
and  that,  too,  without  necessitating  a  mother-in-law,  or 
putting  me  in  peril  of  the  fate  of  Othello,  who,  as  every- 
body knows,  was  finally  ruined  by  his  wife's-smother  ! 

And  now,  before  it  rains  again,  let  me  catch  one  more 
glimpse  of  the  stately  Capitol  in  this  rare  radiance ;  let  my 
admii'ing  glance  rest  yet  another  moment  upon  that  swell- 
ing dome,  which,  like  some  impressive  stomach  in  profile, 
with  a  figure  of  Liberty  resting  upon  it  as  a  fob  watch- 
seal,  catches  the  tawny  lustre  of  the  hour  in  massive 
repose.  Smile,  kindly  skies,  in  lucent  glory  smile  upon 
that  abdomen  of  our  distracted  country,  nor  be  tempted  to 
administer  any  more  of  thy  drops  just  yet,  even  though  it. 
has  several  panes  across  it.  Make  the  watch-seal  to  glitter 
as  though  it  really  were  something  diviner  than  an  orna- 
ment, and  make  the  stomach  to  shine  as  though  it  were  a 


SMOKED    GLASS.  109 

luminous  miracle  of  good  digestion ;  and  we  will  strive  to 
believe  for  the  moment  that  political  choler  might  be  one 
decree  worse  if  it  were  cholera.  Alas  !  how  often  do  the 
wisest  of  us  —  we  who  pride  ourselves,  perchance,  upon 
being  the  very  Congressmen  of  private  life  —  attribute 
certain  ailings  to  our  aching  heads  alone,  or  our  lungs 
alone,  or  even  to  our  hearts  alone,  while,  all  the  time,  it 
is  actually  the  stomach  that  is  deranged.  The  latter  takes 
great  satisfaction  in  appearing  to  be  immaculate,  and  is 
always  ready  to  bring  about  the  impeachment  of  the  head 
for  causing  headache,  or  to  induce  the  reconstruction  of  the 
lungs,  or  heart,  for  imperfect  circulation.  Don't  trouble 
yourself  at  all  about  Me,  says  the  stomach,  —  I'm  taking 
perfect  care  of  my  part  of  your  Constitution ;  but  you'd  bet- 
ter impeach  your  head  for  aching,  or  the  other  part  will  be 
ruined.  So,  you  impeach  your  head,  and  reconstruct  your 
lungs;  and,  after  all,  it  is  solely  the  stomach  that  is  at 
fault.  '  Smile  then,  0  kindly  skies,  in  lucent  glory  smile 
upon  the  dome  of  yonder  Capitol,  and  let  there  be  clouds 
for  the  aching  Head  of  the  nation  alone. 

Thus  apostrophized  I,  in  thoughtful  soliloquy,  as  I  threw 
a  last  look  toward  the  mighty  theatre  of  Impeachment, 
before  getting  into  one  of  the  cars  of  the  Grand  Southern 
Trunk  Railroad,  the  other  day,  to  go  with  Captain  Sam- 
yule  Sa-mith  to  Taikachor  Court  House,  Virginia.  Sam- 
yule  was  attracted  thither  by  a  report  that  Pendragon 
Penruthers,  Esq.,  a  celebrated  haughty  Southerner  of  that 
place,  had  some  fine  old  real  estate  to  sell  at  great  reduc- 

10 


110  A   BENDER   OE   A   BURST. 

tion,  and  I  went  -with  him  to  call  a  doctor  at  the  places 
where  the  train  should  catch  fire  or  roll  down  a  bank. 

The  Grand  Southern  Trunk  Railroad  is  so  called  because 
its  cars  are  shaped  like  those  fashionable  travelling-trunks 
which  can  be  thrown  out  of  a  third-story  window  without 
much  breakage  below  the  top  and  sides,  by  careful  express- 
men. "When  first  built,  just  before  the  war,  it  was  quite 
a  good  road  to  send  your  mother-in-law  and  poor  relations 
over,  and  its  trains  seldom  ran  over  a  cow  when  they  could 
get  around  her  by  going  off  the  track.  During  the  strug- 
gle with  our  excited  national  troops,  however,  the  wealth 
of  this  great  highway  was  seriously  diminished ;  its  daily 
receipts  fell  from  four  dollars  to  three  and  fourpence,  and 
the  large  teakettle  used  in  drawing  trains  was  seized  by 
our  vandals  to  boil  their  coffee  on  several  sanguinary 
occasions.  Consequently,  this  famous  through-route  is 
now  out  of  repair  at  some  points  of  the  line  :  and,  until 
the  President  of  the  company  can  make  enough  money  by 
his  present  occupation  of  apple-peddling  to  purchase  a 
hammer  and  a  few  nails,  the  track  will  not  be  entirely  safe 
for  a  high  rate  of  speed. 

Samyule  and  I  wore  padded  India-rul3ber  suits  and  fur 
caps  to  preserve  ourselves  from  contusions  at  the  stopping- 
places,  and  also  kept  our  wills  conspicuously  pinned  upon 
the  breasts  of  our  coats,  in  case  we  should  go  the  wrong 
side  of  a  bridge.  Thus  prepared,  we  calmly  took  our 
places  upon  the  candle-boxes  which  served  as  seats  in  the 
first-class  cars,  and,  as  we  went  flying  over  the  brooi^sticks 


SMOKED    GLASS.  Ill 

which  had  been  hastily  laid  down  in  place  of  the  rails 
stolen  bj  our  vandals,  our  knives  and  watches  were  the 
onlj  articles  jcAed  from  our  pockets. 

''  Samjulc,"  says  I,  holding  fast  to  my  candle-box, 
^' don't  it  seem  to  you  that  this  lightning-train  sways  a 
little  in  going  around  the  corners?" 

"  You  must  be  highly  inedicated,"  says  Samyule,  in- 
structively, ''or  you  would  know  that  this  is  a  wide-gauge 
road,  and  can  go  as  near  to  the  rail-fences  on  either  side  as 
the  engineer  chooses." 

Just  then  the  locomotive  sheered  at  something,  and  we 
struck  a  tree,  which  caused  me  to  rise  suddenly  in  the  air 
from  my  candle-box,  and  come  down  upon  the  lap  of  a 
haughty  planter,  dressed  in  a  rag-carpet  surtout,  who  oc- 
cupied an  opposite  seat.  Having  (as  I  learned  afterward) 
received  seven  dollars  and  a  quarter  that  day  for  his  plan- 
tation from  a  Northern  capitalist,  this  planter  was  unusu- 
ally arrogant,  and  scowled  upon  me,  as  I  sat  on  his  knee, 
with  dreadful  malevolence. 

"Sir,"  said  he,  grinding  his  teeth,  ''I  do  not  wish  to 
associ'ate  with  one  of  your  birth,  and  must  request  you  to 
fly  in  some  other  direction  when  we  have  our  next  acci- 
dent. I  had  an  apple  in  my  pocket  for  lunch,  and  you 
have  crushed  it." 

"Do  you  think,  then,"  said  I,  noticing  that  the  next  car 
was  on  fire,  "that  we  shall  live  — " 

But,  at  that  moment,  all  the  passengers  shot  from  their 
candle-boxes  toward  the  top  of  the  vehicle,  and  we  collect- 


112  A   STRIKING   INCIDENT. 

ivelj  began  a  series  of  swift  aerial  revolutions  around  the 
conductor  and  the  stove.  For  our  particular  car  had  broken 
loose  from  the  rest  of  the  train  by  striking  a  telegraph- 
pole,  and  was  turning  over  and  over  on  its  way  to  the 
nearest  pile  of  stones.  Luckily  for  Samyule  and  myself 
our  fur  caps  and  padded  suits  saved  us  from  the  usual  fate 
of  American  railroad-excursionists,  and,  after  picking  our- 
selves out  from  the  remains  of  the  planters,  we  walked 
hastily  from  the  ruins  to  a  house  near  by. 

This  building,  like  the  finer  Southern  mansions  gener- 
ally, had  large  white  pillars  on  the  front,  and  a  heavy 
mortgage  on  the  rest ;  and,  when  we  rang  the  bell,  it  was 
answered  by  a  tall,  proud-looking  man,  who  wore  white 
kid  gloves,  a  green  gingham  overcoat,  and  a  pair  of  flannel 
drawers  altered  into  pantaloons. 

Samyule  touched  his  cap,  and  says  he,  — 

"  Can  you  tell  us,  my  worthy  Count  D'Orsay,  how  far 
we  are  from  Taihachor  Court  House,  and  the  residence  of 
Pendragon  Penruthers,  Esquire?" 

Perceiving  that  he  was  a  Northern  man  by  his  good 
clothes,  the  embarrassed  Virginian  made  a  pass  at  him 
with  an  axe-handle  which  had  been  standing  behind  the 
door,  and  says  he,  — 

'•'This  place  is  Taikaclior  Court  House,  and  I  am  Pen- 
dragon  Penruthers,  Esquii*e.''' 

"Why,  really,"  says  Samyule,  smiling  agreeably,  and 
drawing  a  pistol,  "if  that  is  the  case,  we  have  been  ex- 
pelled from  the  train  at  the  right  spot.     Learning  from  all 


SMOKED    GLASS.  113 

the  reliable  morning  journals  that  the  South  now  offers 
great  inducements  for  the  investments  of  'capitalists,  ^ve 
have  come  down  here  to  see  how  villages  are  selling. 
What  could  jou  say  for  this  house?" 

The  Southerner  brightened  up,  and  says  he,  —  " 

"Seven  dollars  and  a  quarter  without  the  grounds; 
eight  dollars  with  them."* 

"And  then,"  said  Samyule,  musingly,  "I'd  have  to 
put  two  coats  of  paint  on  this  villa." 

"Two  coats!"  exclaimed  Pendragon  Penruthers,  Esq. 
"One  coat  and  a  pair  of  pants  would  do." 

"How  so?"  says  Samyule,  earnestly. 

P.  Penruthers  smiled  at  his  ignorance,  and  says  he,  — 

"Why,  you'd  put  the  one  coat  on  the  house,  and  the 
pair  of  pants  on  the  pillars." 

"True,"  says  Samyule,  thankfully;  "I  should  never 
have  thought  of  that.  Is  that  church  yonder  on  your 
estate?" 

"It  is." 

"How  much  for  it?" 

"  Three  dollars  and  a  half." 

"I'll  take  it,"  says  Samyule.  "Eight  dollars  and 
three  and  a  half  are  eleven  and  a  half.  Here's  the 
money." 

The  bargain  being  concluded,  Mr.  Penruthers  invited  us 

*  Fine  real  estate  is  really  selling  at  absurdly  low  rates  in  some  parts  of  the 
South,  and  persons  of  limited  capital,  who  are  willing  to  be  shot  or  starred  to 
death  for  the  sake  of  having  homes  of  their  own,  should  hasten  down. 
10* 


114  NEVER   SEED    SUCH   LAND. 

into  the  fine  private  residence,  where  we  were  presently 
dining  with  him  upon  an  inexpensive  Indian  pudding, 
wherein  bits  of  alpaca  were  made  to  do  duty  for  raisins, 
and  a  fruity  claret  wine,  manufactured  from  boiled  corks 
and  coffin  shavings,  was  served.  At  the  termination  of 
this  sumptuous  meal,  the  still  arrogant  Virginian  notified 
us  that  he  should  retire  to  the  hen-house  until  ready  to 
depart  for  some  other  place,  as  he  could  not  endure  any 
noticeable  length  of  existence  under  the  same  roof  with 
those  who,  in  military  attire,  had  so  recently  ravaged  the 
sunny  South.  Thus  were  Samyule  and  myself  left  alone 
in  the  purchased  villa,  and,  after  noticing  that  much  of  the 
furniture  was  in  the  style  of  Louis  Quatorze,  —  supposing 
Louis  Quatorze  to  have  been  much  affected  at  that  time 
by  a  taste  for  chairs  with  three  legs, — we  proceeded  to 
calculate  what  income  the  estate  was  likely  to  produce 
toward  paying  its  taxes.  Looking  forth  upon  the  arable 
lands  which  he  had  purchased,  through  a  lx)w-window 
which  must  have  had  a  few  whole  panes  of  glass  in  it  at 
some  time  during  the  previous  century,  Samyule  estimated 
his  coming  grain-crop  at  about  one  straw-bed  an  acre; 
although  one  fine  piece  of  meadow  was  so  richly  dressed 
with  necks  of  bottles,  old  shoes,  and  discarded  hoop-skirts, 
that  it  gave  great  promise  as  a  fashionable  building-lot  for 
a  junk-shop.  At  the  conclusion  of  this  survey,  I  volun- 
teered to  seek  a  grocery-store  not  far  ofi"  and  obtain  something 
for  supper  ;  but  when  I  got  there,  the  Southern  merchant 
in  charge  (attired  in  a  coffee-bag)  haughtily  refused  to  sell 


SMOKED    GLASS.  115 

anything  to  those  who  came  to  profit  hj  the  necessities  of 
the  sunny  South,  and  I  was  obliged  to  return  empty-handed. 
Furthermore,  upon  regaining  the  villa,  I  found  that  Cap- 
tain Samyule  Sa-mith  had  been  waited  upon  in  my  absence 
by  four  members  of  the  Ku-Klux  Klan  for  cold  victuals 
and  small  change  ;  by  a  strong  delegation  of  the  frecd-ne- 
gro  race  for  six  dollars  and  a  quarter,  to  start  a  Constitu- 
tional Convention;  and  that  Pendragon  Penruthers,  Esq., 
had  sent  him  word  that  there  were  five  mortgages  for  thirty 
thousand  dollars  on  the  estate,  and  had  trained  a  duck-gun 
from  the  hen-house  to  shoot  him  whenever  he  should  look 
out  of  the  window. 

''I  think,"  said  Samyule,  in  great  agitation,  "that  we 
bad  better  flee  while  yet  there  is  one  whole  car  left  on  the 
Grand  Southern  Trunk  Railroad.  A  meeting  of  Southern 
Conservative  Democrats,"  says  Samyule,  uneasily,  "is 
now  being  held  on  a  lawn  at  the  back  of  this  chateau,  to 
consider  the  advisability  of  hanging  us  this  evening  for 
the  benefit  of  the  Stonewall-Jackson-Monument  Fund; 
and  I  really  think  we  had  better  make  a  wicked  flee 
while  no  man  pursueth." 

And  we  fled,  my  boy.  We  retired  hastily  to  the  near- 
est broken  culvert;  and  when  the  next  train  ran  ofi"  the 
track  there,  we  got  on  board  the  one  freight  car  left  unde- 
molished,  and  returned  safely  with  the  wounded  to  .this 
city. 

Is  Southern  property  really  being  sold,  with  great  sac- 
rifice, to  Northern  capitalists  at  this  present  time?     I 


116  -^  AVERSE   TO    CONVICTION. 

think  it  is ;  I  should  say  it  was ;  the  great  sacrifice  always 
going  with  the  property  and  causing  the  Northern  cap- 
italist to  wish  he  hadn't ! 

Not  to  dwell  longer  upon  a  subject  which  is  so  merce- 
nary that  I  should  show  ''nary"  mercy  for  you  did  I 
pursue  it  longer,  allow  me  to  digress  abruptly  to  the 
theatre  of  Impeachment,  where  another  soliloquy  for  the 
defence  is  being  delivered  by  the  venerable  Andrew  Nel- 

S(SD.. 

"Mr.  Chief  Justice  and  Senators,"  says  this  aged 
fnan,  while  slumber  settles  upon  all  around,  ''  I  have  been 
busy  in  my  profession  of  lawyer  for  twenty  years,  and 
have  argued  cases  involving  life,  liberty,  and  the  pursuit 
of  happiness. 

*  How  doth  the  little  busy  beo 
Improve  each  shining  hour, 

And  gather  honey  all  the  day 
From  CT'ry  opening  flower  ! '  ^ 

But  I  feel  that  all  cases  sink  into  insignificance  when 
compared  with  this  one.  I  am  really  too  old,  and  have 
lived  too  much  in  the  country,  to  argue  this  case.  But  I 
implore  help  from  On  High  to  make  my  mind,  heart,  and 
tongue,  capable  of  keeping  you  awake  for  a  few  moments. 

*  'Tis  the  voice  of  the  sluggard, 

I  hear  him  complain; 

*  You  have  woke  me  too  soon, 

I  must  slumber  again.' 


SMOKED    GLASS.  117 

If  the  President  of  the  United  States  is  indeed  guilty  of 
one  tithe  that  has  been  charged  against  him,  then  I  am 
willing  to  admit  that  he  is  a  monster  of  such  hideous 
mien  that  each  particular  hair  does  stand  on  end  when  he 
is  seen.  But  who  is  this  Andrew  Johnson  ?  Who  is  he, 
that  you  all  come  down  upon  him  like  quills  upon  a  fret- 
ful porcupine  ?     "Who  is  he,  — 

'  Come  riddle  me,  riddle  me  rye,  ^ 

Two  long  ears  and  one  great  "  I "  ? ' 

Go  to  the  village  of  Greenville,  East  Tennessee,  and  in- 
quire. See  him  a  poor  boy,  unable  to  read  or  write,  but 
yet  industrious.  He  becomes  a  tailor,  then  an  alderman, 
then  a  Congressman,  and  then  a  President.  This  is  the 
man  whom  I  hear  accused  of  being  apparently  under  the 
influence  of  Old  Rye;  of  not  caring  sixpence  for  the  Con- 
stitution; of  betraying  the  blacks;  of  almost  aspiring  to 
baking,—      , 

*  Sing  a  song  of  sixpence, 

A  pocket  full  of  rye, 
Four  and  twenty  blackbirds 

Cooked  into  a  pie. 
When  the  pie  was  opened. 

The  birds  began  to  sing; 
Isn't  this  a  pretty  dish 

To  set  before  a  king? ' " 

Thus  went  on  this  aged  man,  introducing  all  the  popu- 
lar airs  in  order  to  secure  attention;  but  none  listened  to 
his  lay.  * 

♦Appendix,  4, 


118  AB-DOME-INAL. 

When  I  came  forth  from  the  Capitol  and  looked  up- 
ward again,  there  loomed  the  mighty  Stomach  once  more 
in  the  sunset;  there  it  was,  my  hoy,  as  predominant  as 
ever.  Still  repelling  the  thought  that  its  immediate  self 
could  possibly  be  responsible  for  any  ailing  of  the  body- 
politic  ;  still  referring  the  Doctor  with  his  harsh  nostrums 
to  the  head,  or  the  lungs,  and  permitting  no  ministrations 
to  itself,  save  those  of  the  Butler. 
•  Yours,  meditatively, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 


LETTER    IX. 

being  a  veracious  account  op  the  unparalleled  match  against 
nature  by  the  "american  proof-reader"  and  the  "boston 
marvel;"  with  its  inevitably  tragical  termination. 

Washington,  D.  C,  April  28,  1868. 

It  is  a  barbarism  of  our  common  nature,  my  boy,  to 
take  a  morbid  pleasure  in  unnatural  exhibitions  which 
imperil  human  life;  and  from  the  circus  to  the  grave, 
man  has  ever  the  same  heartless  fondness  for  breakneck 
equestrian  acts,  and  foolhardy  attempts  to  read  Presi- 
dents' Messages.  It  is  highly  probable  that  in  the  coming 
golden  age,  when  Southerners  shall  be  free  from  mort- 
gages, Ireland  all  removed  to  the  Sixth  Ward  of  this 
country,  and  the  freed-negro  race  happily  supplied  with 
seal  rings  and  the  right  of  suffrage,  philanthropy  will  be  at 
liberty  to  protest  against  that  cruel  popular  taste  which 
craves  and  encourages  feats  of  deadly  daring  or  endurance. 
Until  then,  however,  there  can  be  no  difficulty  in  find- 
ing remunerative  patronage  for  the  temporizing  suicide  of 
the  tight-rope,  the  walker  of  a  thousand  miles  in  a  thou- 
sand hours,  and  the  mad  wretch  who  offers  for  a  wager  to 
ride  twenty  consecutive  miles  upon  the  Erie  Kailroad  with- 
out a  life-insurance  policy.     In  such  a  state  of  things,  we 

119 


120  LEAD-ITORIAL  TRAINING. 

have  no  cause  for  surprise  if  desperate  men  are  found  will- 
ing to  rescue  themselves  from  want  bj  recklessly  overtask- 
ing nature's  strength  for  the  money  to  be  made  by  it. 

Since  my  last  writing,  a  couple  of  needy  unfortunates, 
in  this  city,  have  dared  to  trifle  with  the  laws  of  life  by 
entering  into  a  match  to  read  all  the  Impeachment 
speeches  in  succession,*  without  sleeping  save  at  nights; 
and  the  consequence  was,  that  two  poor,  emaciated  creat- 
ures were  presently  lying  upon  hospital  cots  in  fits  of  im- 
becile delii'ium,  almost  constantly  maundering  over  such 
phrases  as,  —  ''Is  this  a  court?"  "Your  honorable 
body;  "  and  "The  learned  counsel." 

The  match  commenced,  my  boy,  in  a  patent  cylindrical 
Glass  and  Lemon  Repository,  whither  those  Congressmen 
who  have  colds,  repair  to  steep  slices  of  the  fruit  in  warm 
tumblers  for  their  coughs ;  and  thither  went  I,  on  several 
occasions,  to  view  the  hapless  wretches  at  their  task. 

Both  were  strong,  robustious  men,  of  some  previous 
practice  in  heavy  reading.  The  first,  who  is  known  in 
sporting  circles  as  "The  American  Proof-reader,"  cor- 
rected the  proofs  of  four  directories  last  year  without  the 
use  of  stimulants.  And  the  second,  whose  admirers  style 
him  "The  Boston  Marvel,"  once  read  two  articles  in  the 
"North  American  Review,"  at  a  sitting.  Having  learned 
these  facts,  I  was  inclined  to  regard  the  Marvel  as  the 
more  severely-tested  athlete  of  the  twain;  but  overhear- 
ing a  whisper  from  one  of  the  knowing  ones,  that  the 

*  These  speeches,  altogether,  occupied  over  one  hundred  hours  for  their  delivery. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  121 

Proof-reader  had  been  practising  upon  the  leaders  in 
"The  Nation,"  some  weeks  before,  I  finally  gave  him  the 
preference. 

The  rash  contestants  were  dressed  in  blue  shirts,  cotton 
drawers,  and  canvas  shoes,  as  thej  were  to  walk  incessantly 
while  reading,  in  order  to  keep  off  sleep  the  more  effectu- 
ally ;  and  their  course  extended  around  four  billard-tables. 
Upon  one  of  the  latter  sat  the  second  or  principal  backer 
of  each,  with  stimulants,  bottles  of  hartshorn,  and  kettle- 
drums. On  a  long  bench  against  the  wall  sat  the  time- 
keeper, with  some  hundred  pounds  of  Impeachment  speeches 
beside  him,  to  be  furnished  to  the  readers  as  required ;  and 
near  one  of  the  tables  stood  a  physician  for  the  insane,  to 
be  at  hand  in  case  either  foolhardy  unfortunate  should 
show  symptoms  of  mental  derangement  in  the  course  of 
the  feat. 

Promptly  at  the  call  of  "  Time !  "  the  men  started 
briskly  together  on  the  great  opening  speech  of  the  Hon. 
Thaddeus  Butler ;.  their  elbows  pressed  closely  to  their 
sides ;  the  printed  slip  held  firmly  within  ten  inches  of 
their  eyes ;  and  their  ^  pace  almost  a  trot.  At  first  they 
read  very  fast,  and  were  neck-and-neck  on  the  passage 
about  the  "intention  of  Our  Fathers  in  framing  the  Con- 
stitution;" but  upon  reaching  the  first  quarter-pole, 
where  the  question  arises  "whether  this  Senate  is  now 
sitting  as  a  court,  or  a  jury,  or  a  coroner's  inquest,"  the 
pace  of  the  American  Proof-reader  became  languid,  and  his 
eyelids  gave  signs  of  heaviness.  His  backer  promptly  ran 
11 


122  A   BROKEN   READ. 

alongside  of  him  and  applied  a  bottle  of  hartshorn  to  his 
nostrils,  which  roused  him  again ;  but  the  Boston  Marvel 
had  already  reached  the  place  -where  ^'the  President  is 
shown  to  have  lost  all  dignity,"  and  his  friends  grew  quite 
boisterous  in  their  triujnph.  Upon  gaining  the  point  where 
"it  is  not  denied  that  the  respoiident  has  been  a  serious 
obstacle  to  reconstruction,"  he,  too,  however,  lagged  and 
yawned  horribly,  in  his  turn,  compelling  his  backer  to  beat 
a  drum  in  order  to  keep  him  awake.  So  that,  at  the  close 
of  the  first  day,  the  two  men  were  about  even,  and  were 
led  to  their  beds  upstairs  in  nearly  equal  states  of  ex- 
haustion. 

On  the  second  day,  both  looked  haggard,  and  gaped 
repeatedly  at  the  mere  sight  of  the  speeches ;  joi,  they 
started  off  in  fair  style  on  the  argument  of  the  Hon. 
Andrew  Curtis,  and  the  betting  was  even  until  they  had 
arrived  at  the  juncture  where  "  we  will  now  call  the  atten- 
tion of  this  honorable  Court  to  the  first  of  the  foreign  par- 
liamentary trials  cited  by  the  honorable  Managers." 
Here  the  American  Proof-reader  emitted  a  faint  snore,  and 
the  Boston  Marvel  came  near  walking  through  a  window 
in  a  doze.  Drufns  were  beaten,  pistols  fired,  and  rockets 
exploded,  to  keep  the  men  awake ;  but,  at  the  conclusion 
of  the  heat,  both  readers  fell  to  the  floor  in  a  leaden  sleep, 
and  were  thus  carried  to  their  beds. 

The  scenes  on  the  following  days  were  still  more  horri- 
ble, as  each  poor  wretch  made  more  Herculean  efforts  to 
struo-gle  throucrh  the  Hon.  Thaddeus  Boutwell  and  the 


SMOKED    GLASS.  123 

Hon.  Andrew  Nelson,  without  yielding  to  outraged  na- 
ture's demand  for  half-hourly  slumber.  The  men  re- 
peatedly fell,  in  utter  exhaustion,  and  were  picked  up  by 
attendants  who  rubbed  them  with  oil,  to  loosen  their  minds, 
or  beat  drums  and  fumed  their  principals  with  hartshorn, 
to  keep  the  faculties  alive  through  eloquent  passages. 
Reeling,  and  half-blind  with  intolerable  weariness,  the  ex- 
hausted contestants  went  wildly  into  the  speech  of  the 
venerable  Nelson,  and  it  was  evident  to  all,  that  this 
would  finish  them.  Over  the  questions  "Who  is  he?" 
"Who  is  Andrew  Johnson?"  they  stumbled  piteously, 
with  half-shut  eyes ;  and  at  the  first  poetical  quotation  — 
"How  does  the  little  busy  bee" — the  Boston  Marvel 
rolled  under  a  billard-table  in  a  swoon.  Amid  the  beating 
of  drums,  firing  of  pistols,  and  showers  of  hartshorn,  the 
American  Proof-reader  dragged  himself  painfully  over  the 
passage  about  "the  Alta  Yela  case;  "  but  at  the  second 
poetical  quotation — "Come  riddle  me,  riddle  me,  rye" 
—  he  threw  up  his  hands,  burst  into  a  shrill  laugh,  and 
went  down  upon  his  back  like  a  log. 

They  would  have  rubbed  him  with  oil  again,  —  those 
fiercely  excited,  heartless  lookers-on,  who  cared  not  for  two 
human  lives  if  they  could  but  win  their  bets,  — they  would 
have  filled  his  nose  with  hartshorn  and  started  him  again 
on  Williams,  Stevens,  and  Evarts ;  but  the  physician  for 
the  insane  would  not  permit  it. 

"No,"  said  the  physician,  sternly;  "I  will  not  allow 
it.     This  great  American  Proof-reader  is  already  so  much 


124 

weakened  Ui  his  mind  bj  these  Impeachment  speeches  that 
I  fear  the  result  maj  be  in-Senate-y.  He  is  not  strong 
enough  to  bear  any  more,  and  I  shall  order  him  and  his 
opponent  to  the  hospital." 

A  deep  silence  fell  upon  the  throng,  while  a  party  of 
attendants  lifted  the  two  victims  of  Impeachment  from  the 
ground  preparatory  to  bearing  them  away;  and  it  was 
heartbreaking  to  hear  the  hapless  creatures  feebly  rave  in 
the  delirium  produced  by  entire  physical  prostration. 
''  Oh  !  "  groaned  the  Boston  Marvel,  "I  think  I  see  the 
Common,  and  Ticknor  &  Fields'  new  bookshop  through 
the  trees.  Am  I,  indeed,  in  heaven,  and  are  the  angels 
singing  Mrs.  Julia  Ward  Howe's  poems  to  their  golden 
harps  ?  But  no  !  what  I  took  for  eternity  is  Mr.  Evarts' 
speech ;  and  the  angels  are  singing  Nelson's  poetical  quota- 
tions !  Is  that  Stanbery  coming  with  another  speech ;  and 
Bingham  too  ?  Save  me  from  them !  Impeach  me  and 
let  me  die  !  "  The  great  American  Proof-reader  also  strug- 
gled weakly  with  his  bearcrs,  and  uttered  a  low  wail,  and 
says  he  :  ^'  No !  no !  I  cannot  correct  the  proof  of  any  more 
directories  to-night.  But  what  am  I  saying  ?  These  are 
not  directories,  — they  are  twenty  volumes  of  Impeachment 
speeches,  with  a  map  accompanying  each.  I  have  corrected 
the  maps,  which  show  that  each  speech  extends  to  the  last 
degree  of  longitude  and  has  no  parallels  of  platitude. 
Ask  me  no  more,  for  I  would  sleep !  " 

Not  being  a  really  bad  man  at  heart,  my  boy,  I  felt  a 
guilty  consciousness  of  having  been  in  some  way  accessory 


SMOKED   GLASS.  125 

to  this  harrowing  scene  by  attending  as  a  thoughtless 
spectator;  and  I  penitently  resolved  to  expiate  my  inhu- 
manity by  visiting  and  comforting  the  American  Proof- 
reader, in  the  hospital,  instead  of  attending  the  Impeach- 
ment matinee.  So,  thither  I  went,  like  a  masculine 
Florence  Nightingale,  and  was  presently  seated  beside  the 
low  pallet  of  one  who,  but  a  few  days  before,  had  been 
exultant  in  health  and  reason.  Now,  however,  he  was  sick 
enough  to  be  a  principal  Impeachment  Manager,  or  lead- 
ing Counsel  for  the  Defence,*  and  there  was  no  more  co- 
herence in  his  mutterings  than  in  one  of  Emerson's  lectures. 
The  physician  for  the  insane  had  already  administered  one 
of  Timothy  Titcomb's  poems  to  him  as  an  emetic,  that  he 
might  be  enabled  thereby  to  disgorge  some  of  the  heavier 
words  upon  his  stomach;  but  there  had  been  so  many 
repetitions  in  the  Impeachment  speeches  that  it  seemed  as 
though  a  blood-vessel  might  be  broken  before  all  danger 
fi'om  tautology  was  over. 

^'Tell  me,"  said  I,  anxiously,  ''what  lean  do  to  calm 
and  comfort  this  great  American  Proof-reader  in  his  present 
dreadful  state,  and  thus  partially  atone  for  my  own  share 
in  the  recent  unnatural  exhibition.  Let  me  do  something  to 
lull  his  George  Francis  Train  style  of  raving,  or  the  ene- 
mies of  human  reason  will  presently  combine  to  make  him 
a  European  Correspondent  of  the  "  New  York  World." 

The  aged  physician  wrapt  his  saw,  chisel,  and  gold  watch 
in  a  piece  of  brown  paper  again,  and  says  he,  — 

*  Manager  Stevens  and  Counsel  Stanbery  were  sick, 
11* 


126  TAKEN   FOR   GRANTED. 

^'  I  at  first  thought  of  amputating  the  os  frontis  and  ex- 
tracting some  of  the  -words  from  the  orifice;  but  as  he 
seems  quieter  now,  I  will  wait  awhile.  What  he  needs 
most,"  sajs  the  physician,  thoughtfully,  "is  present  sleep. 
I  will  therefore  leave  three  of  the  New  York  daily  jour- 
nals with  you,  and  you  may  read  to  him  a  leading  editorial 
from  each." 

Thus  speaking,  he  left  me ;  and,  without  another  look 
at  the  moaning  sufierer,  I  read  aloud  from  the  "Tribune  "  * 
the  following  able  article,  entitled 

"impeachment  is  peace. 

"From  Maine  to  Philadelphia  the  ears  of  a  nation  of 
freemen  are  stretched  to  catch  the  first  note  of  the  fiat  by 
which  Andrew  Johnson  shall  be  ordered,  in  the  name  of 
the  outraged  American  people,  to  return  to  that  merited 
obscurity  from  which  he  was  bloodily  raised  by  the  pistol 
of  the  assassin.  "When  General  Grant  was  recently  in 
Philadelphia,  he  remarked  audibly  to  a  friend,  that,  upon 
the  conviction  and  emulsion  of  the  President  depended  the 
Peace  of  the  whole  country.  Nor  would  any  man  deny 
such  a  self-evident  fact,  save,  perhaps,  Mr.  Horatio  Sey- 
mour, to  whom  the  designation  of  Deliberate  and  Im- 
measurable Falsifyer  has  more  than  once  been  applied  by 


*  This  excellent  moral  journal  is  largly  edited  by  gentlemen  from  Philadel- 
phia, who  miss  no  opportunity  of  improving  the  value  of  real  estate  in  their 
native  town,  by  making  editorial  mention  of  that  growing  place. 


SMOKED    GLASS. 


127 


prominent  citizens  of  Philadelphia.     The  United  States 
Senate  need  hesitate  no  longer  in  its  verdict." 

Already  the  patient  had  sunk  into  a  doze  when  I  con- 
cluded this  excellent  -leader;  "  and  I  softly  took  up  the 
'^  Times,"  *  and  read  therefrom  concerning  what  it  called 

"in  medias  res. 

"  While  it  cannot  be  denied  that  the  sympathies  of  youth 
axe  all  with  the  animated  counsel  for  the  defence,  it  must 
still  be  admitted  that  the  grave  admiration  of  meditative 
maturity  accords  no  mean  palm  to  the  earnest  pertinacity 
of  some  of  the  managers.  Good  taste  may  possibly  take 
exception  to  one  or  two  of  Butler's  turbulent  invectives; 
yet  we  question  whether  more  indulgence  will  be  vouch- 
safed to  the  petulant  parentheses  of  Mr.  Nelson.  As  the 
case  stands  at  present,  we  can  only  reprobate  all  attempts 
to  prejudice  a  verdict  not  yet  fully  incubated;  nor  shall 
we  countenance  with  our  approval  the  attempt  of  any  party 

*In  this  skilful  Conservative-Radical  Dem-RepublicaB  morning  journal,  of 
July  IGth,  1839,  appeared  a  remarkable  article  on  the  French,  Sardinian,  and 
Austrian  war  in  Italy,  which  said,  —  ,  x,         n,     - 

.af  we  follow  the  windinss  of  the  Mincio,  we  shall  find  countless  elbow3 
formed  in  the  elbows  of  the  regular  army,  at  places  like  Salianzi,  Molmi,  and 
Borghetto." 

^After  a^ttle  of  several  hours'  duration,  the  Sardinians  at  Goito  gave 
^ay;  and,  if  we  follow  up  the  courseof  the  Mincio,  we  shall  find  innumerable 
elbows  formed  by  the  sympathy  of  youth." 

Such  is  Conservative  journalism  in  the  United  States. 


128  BENNETT-DICITE. 

to  delay,  or  be  indifferent  to,  a  decision  on  "which  hang  all 
the  law  and  the  profits." 

A  gentle  snore  smote  my  ear  at  the  termination  of  the 
above  discriminating  expression  of  sentiment;  but,  to 
make  my  work  complete,  I  grasped  the  "Herald,"  and 
read  about 

"  RADICAL   RUIN    AND    ITS   REMEDY. 

"Intent  only  upon  elevating  old  Ben  Wade  to  a  tem- 
porary dictatorship,  the  Radical  Jacobins  are  prepared  to 
impeach  even  old  Justice  Chase,  and  fetter  the  hands  of 
old  General  Grant.  With  old  Thad  Stevens  as  Secretary 
of  State,  and  old  Fred  Douglas  in  the  Treasury,  we 
should  soon  witness  all  the  excesses  of  old  Robespierre 
repeated.  To  meet  this  emergency,  let  the  Democratic 
party  nominate  old  Admiral  Farragut  as  their  candidate 
for  the  Presidency,  with  old  General  Hancock  for  Vice- 
President." 

Throwing  aside  this  last  paper,  I  looked  at  the  American 
Proof-reader,  and  found  that  he  not  only  slumbered  soundly, 
but  that  he  was  also  in  a  profuse  perspiration.  "  He  is 
safe!"  whispered  I,  joyfully,  to  myself  "He  is  safe, 
despite  the  awful  manner  in  which  he  has  tempted  Provi- 
dence." 

In  an  almost  gleeful  frame  of  mind,  I  was  about  to  steal 
from  the  room,  when  the  physician  entered  again,  looking 
so  gravely  that  I  fairly  caught  my  breath. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  129 

"He  has  had  a  narrow  escape,"  muttered  the  man  of 
medicine,  glancing  at  the  pallet. 

''  And  how  is  the  Boston  Marvel?  "  asked  I,  quickly. 
The  Physician  for  the  Insane  turned  his  solemn  eyes 
upon  me,  and  pointed  impressively  upward. 
"He  is  DEAD  !  " 

Yours,  speechlessly, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerb. 


LETTER   X. 

MORALIZINO  UPON  THE  CERTAIN  RESULT  OF  VICE-PRESIDEXCT ;  GIVING 
THE  CURIOUS  EPITAPH  OF  A  VICTIM  OF  ELOQUENCE ;  PRESENTING  THE 
PRINCIPAL  GEMS  OF  A  GUANO  MATINEE;  AND  RECORDING  THE  ENTHU- 
SIASM OF  THE  POPULACE  OVER  THE  LAST  OF  THE  I31PEACUMENT 
SPEECHES. 

Washiitotoit,  D.  C,   May  9,  1868. 

After  having  put  on  our  spectacles,  snuffed  the  candle, 
and  perused  the  world's  history,  mj  boy,  we  cannot  but 
perceive  that  vice,  sooner  or  later,  brings  misery.  It 
being  a  very  late  hour  when  we  have  finished  the  history, 
we  debate  within  ourselves  whether  we  had  better  go  to 
bed  and  take  a  few  years  of  sleep,  or  sit  up  for  the  brief 
remainder  of  the  century  and  meditate  upon  that  which 
our  historical  reading  has  taught  us.  Inasmuch  as  fully 
twenty-five  pianos  of  cats  have  organized  an  angel-choir 
on  the  fences  nearest  our  window,  and  a  heavy  shower  of 
bootjacks  has  recently  set  in  from  the  casements  of  seven 
unmarried  gentlemen  around  the  corner,  we  conclude  to 
remain  wakeful  and  ponder 

THE    WORLD'S    HISTORY. 

A  baby  smiling  on  a  mother's  knee, 
A  faint  ray  breaking  o'er  an  Eastern  sea, 
A  green  leaf  peeping  from  a  root  deep  set, 
A  candle  waxen,  and  unlighted  yet. 

130 


SMOKED    GLASS.  131 

A  school-boy  mimicking  a  lark's  clear  cry, 
A  red  flush  blazoning  a  morning  sky, 
A  frail  twig  bending  to  a  zephyr's  thought, 
A  candle  twinkling  with  a  spark  just  caught. 

A  lover  kneeling  to  a  maiden  fair, 

A  sun  all  golden  in  a  cloudless  air, 

A  bud  slow  swelling  on  a  fragrant  bough, 

A  candle  crested  with  a  white  flame  now. 

A  soldier  fighting  for  a  prize  ne'er  gained, 
A  spot  of  fever  on  a  zenith  stain'd, 
A  branch  low  drooping  with  a  fruit  half  sear, 
A  candle  gutt'ring  with  a  jaundiced  blear. 

A  miser  gloating  at  a  coffer's  brim, 
A  gray  gleam  ending  in  a  twilight  dim, 
A  dry  leaf  crackling  in  a  wintry  fall, 
A  candle  smoking  to  a  shadow'd  wall. 

A  dotard  gasping  in  a  parson's  ear, 
A  pale  star  dying  in  a  storm-cloud  near, 
A  tall  tree  loosening  a  clasp'd  root-hand, 
A  candle  flick'ring  at  a  wick's  last  strand. 

A  shadow  resting  on  a  square  of  white, 
A  sun's  ghost  walking  in  a  noon  of  night, 
A  prone  trunk  hollow  to  a  worm'a  vile  ti^ad, 
A  candle  wasted  and  a  mortal  dead. 


As  for  yourself,  mj  boj,  I  judge,  from  your  general 
conversation  on  politics,  that  there  is  far  more  gas  than 
candle  about  you ;  and,  consequently,  your  share  of  this 
history  need  not  alarm  you.  But,  as  I  was  saying  before, 
the  man  of  striking  originality  of  thought  will   derive 


132  A   NATIONAL   VICE. 

therefrom  the  idea,  that  vice,  sooner  or  later,  brings  mis- 
ery ;  and  at  once  take  measures  to  have  it  inserted  in  the 
"Lady's  Book"  as  his  own  great  American  composition. 
When  we  consider  the  lilies  of  the  valley,  —  that  they  toil 
not,  neither  do  they  spin;  and  yet,  that  Solomon,  in  all 
his  glory,  was  not  arrayed  like  one  of  these  ;  we  may  pos- 
sibly feel  inclined  to  side  with  Solomon  for  refraining  from 
such  spring  fashions  as  would  have  been  likely  to  subject 
him  to  the  care  of  the  police.  I  know  several  wealthy 
Southerners,  who,  in  consequence  of  innumerable  mort- 
gages and  certain  not  remote  exploits  of  our  military  van- 
dals, are  arrayed  so  much  like  lilies  of  the  valley  that 
they  feel  obliged  to  lie  in  bed  all  day  until  bathing-time 
comes.  But  then,  again,  when  we  consider  Andrew  John- 
son, and  remember  that  vice  sooner  or  later  brings  misery, 
we  can  scarcely  refrain  from  reprobating  such  an  extraor- 
dinary addiction  to  vice  as  finally  tempted  him  to  become 
a  Vice-President.  Save  for  such  uncommon  viciousness, 
he  might  now  be  a  profane  and  respected  member  of  Con- 
gress, calling  all  the  other  members  by  the  most  awful  and 
amusing  names,  and  assisting  them  to  impeach  somebody 
for  having  no  friends.  Instead  of  that,  however,  we  find 
him  the  guilty  cause  of  over  one  hundred  hours  of  speeches : 
all  of  which  have  fallen  upon  our  distracted  country, 
while  she  is  yet  writhing  under  the  recollection  of  Mr. 
Raymond's  address  at  the  Dickens'  dinner.  Thus  it  is 
that  vice  sooner  or  later  brings  misery,  and  occasions  such 
death,  even,  as  that  of  the  Boston  Marvel. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  133 

Early  this  morning  I  strolled  out  to  the  place  where 
they  have  laid  the  poor  Marvel,  and  was  pleased  to  find 
erected  over  his  resting-place  a  neat  slab  bearing  the  fol- 
lowing inscription,  — 

JJic  Jacet 

MANTON  MARVEL 

OP  BOSTON. 

Impeachment  Speeches  wrought  his  hapless  fate; 

BuT-LE'aning  Cdrt-is  to  appease  his  shade: 
The  Bout- WELL  ended,  'Nel'-s'on  rang  for  him  — 

Eye  GROES-BECKlouded  at  the  end  he  made. 
"When  Lo'-  'gan  he,  with  Will-i-  AM-sure,  to  read. 

He  thought  each  speech  to  scan,  what  Evar'ts  length ; 
But  quickly  found  (iS'x  even-so  indeed  ?) 

That  half  of  them  would  quite  exhaust  one's  strength. 
For  birth  to  "  hub  "-BiXG-HAiilet  he  was  debtor ; 

And  Here  he's  buried.     Few  SxAN'-BERying  better.* 

These  few  simple  tributary  lines  had  been  written  evi- 
dently, by  some  humble  friend,  whose  spelling  was  defect- 

*The  speakers  for  the  prosecution  were  Messrs.  Butler,  Boutwell,  Logan, 
Williams,  Stevens,  and  Bingham.  For  the  defence,  Messrs.  Curtis,  Groesbeck, 
Evarts,  and  Stanbery.  It  is  scarcely  necessary  to  say  that 'the  Epitaph  should 
read,— 

Impeachment  Speeches  wrought  his  hapless  fate ; 

But  learning  curt  is  to  appease  his  shade ; 
The  bout  well  ended,  knell  soon  rang  for  him  — 

Eye  grows  beclouded  at  the  end  he  made. 
When  low  'gan  he,  with  will,  I  am  sure,  to  read, 

He  thought  each  Speech  to  scan,  what  ever  'ts  length; 
But  quickly  found  (is't  even  so,  indeed  ?) 

That  half  of  them  would  quite  exhaust  one's  strength. 
For  birth  to  "  hub  "-bing  hamlet  he  was  debtor; 
And  Here  he's  buried.    Few  stand  burying  better. 
12 


134  GAME   TO   THE   LAST. 

ive;  but  they  had  a  touching  pathos  for  me,  and  made 
me  whisper  again  to  myself,  Vice-President  sooner  or 
later  brings  misery. 

On  another  occasion,  as  I  walked  thoughtfully  along  a 
retired  byway  near  the  Capitol,  philosophically  pondering 
the  same  sad  conclusion,  my  attention  was  attracted  to  a 
figure  sitting  upon  a  wayside-stone,  its  back  towards  me. 
It  was  bending  eagerly  forward  to  a  wooden  hitching-post 
just  before  it.  Its  soft  black  hat  rested  upon  the  very  back 
of  its  head  after  the  manner  of  some  sable  Thomas-cat 
clinging  to  a  bedpost ;  and  its  hands  hastily  shuffled  and 
cut  a  pack  of  greasy  cards  for  the  apparent  accommodation 
of  an  invisible  partner.  Stealing  closer  to  this  absorbed 
apparition,  I  quickly  recognized  the  Conservative  Ken- 
tucky Chap,  and  also  noted  that  he  was  talking  excitedly 
to  the  hitching-post. 

''  Hem!  "  says  he,  dealing  two  here  and  two  there,  and 
simultaneously  making  a  pass  of  two  kings  and  an  ace  up 
his  coat-sleeve.  ''  Kentucky  will  play  you  just  one  game 
of  Bluff,  Mr.  Post,  to  see  if  her  former  tailor,  A.  John- 
son, will  be  acquitted  or  convicted.  If  I  win,  it  is  in 
favor  of  the  respondent.  If  you  win,  the  verdict  will  be 
otherwise.  You  play  first,  and  I  'see'  you,  and  go  five 
cents  better." 

'' Well  done,  my  private  Morrissey!"  says  I,  tapping 
him  on  the  shoulder.  "  Your  manner  of  deciding  a  great 
national  case  might  well  be  adopted  by  one  of  those  fastid- 


SMOKED    GLASS.  135 

ious  Senators  whose  consciences  are  said  to  make  them 
uncertain  about  their  verdict." 

Hastily  leaping  to  his  feet,  and  slipping  the  cards  out 
of  sight  into  a  convenient  pocket,  the  Kentucky  chap  eyed 
me  sorrowfully,  and  says  he,  — 

^'  The  old  rye-crop  of  Kentucky  is  greatly  retarded  and 
depreciated  by  the  vast  quantity  of  milk  and  water  daily 
poured  out  by  the  Impeachment  Jacobins;  and  nothing 
but  an  acquittal  can  improve  the  market." 

''You  are  unduly  depressed,"  says  I,  sympathetically, 
"because  all  the  reliable  morning  journals  have  been 
driven  by  excess  of  speeches  to  tear  their  hair,  and  predict 
a  future  of  inexpressible  woe  and  eloquence.  Come  with 
me  to  the  House  of  Congress,  where  a  guano  matinee  is 
now  being  held.  It  will  cheer  your  mind;  and  as  we've 
both  got  our  old  clothes  on,  we  needn't  mind  a  little  dirt." 

Bowing  a  mute  assent,  and  fervently  grasping  my  hand, 
the  afflicted  chap  permitted  me  to  lead  him  as  I  listed; 
and  we  proceeded  to  that  great  national  hall  of  legislation 
where  statesmen  are  "native  and  to  the  manure  born." 
In  the  gallery  were  quite  a  number  of  spectators,  dressed 
in  bad  clothes  for  the  occasion,  and  protected  by  a  barri- 
cade of  opened  umbrellas  and  upreared  benches  against 
the  time  when  the  mud  should  begin  to  fly.  These  we 
joined,  and  were  at  once  interested  in  a  great  scene  be- 
tween the  Hon.  Anasta  Puddle,  and  the  Hon.  Mr.  Bottler.* 

*  Passage-at-arms  in  the  House,  between  Messrs.  Brooks  and  Butler  concern- 
ing the  Alta  Vela  (guano  island)  business. 


136  ADMIREABLE   DEBATE. 

The  Hon.  Anasta  Puddle  threw  a  handful  of  guano 
at  the  Hon.  Mr.  Bottler,  and  says  he,  ^'I  deem  it  my 
duty  as  a  member  of  the  incorruptible  Democratic  Organ- 
ization, to  charge  yonder  impure  being  with  the  loathsome- 
crime  of  endeavoring  to  intimidate  the  President  into 
giving  all  the  guano  known  to  the  birds  of  the  air  to 
certain  corrupt  parties." 

The  Hon.  Mr.  Bottler  used  both  his  hands  to  throw 
guano  all  over  the  Hon.  Anasta  Puddle,  and  says  he, 
"This  fellow,  Puddle,  is  mad  at  me  because  I  know  about 
his  trying  once  to  swindle  one  of  his  partners.  He  is  a 
disgusting  object." 

The  Hon.  Anasta  Puddle  hurled  a  pailful  of  guano  at 
the  Hon.  Mr.  Bottler,  and  says  he,  "I  regret  to  say 
that  I  am  cognizant  of  several  burglaries  committed  by 
this  creature,  Bottler,  and  cannot  but  mourn  my  further 
knowledge  of  his  earlier  attempt  to  work  domestic  misery 
in  the  family  of  a  bricklayer.  I  demand  a  committee  to 
investigate  his  subsequent  efforts  to  commit  arson." 

The  Hon.  Pignatius  Wallowly  next  arose"  to  protest 
against  a  recent  newspaper  letter  of  the  Hon.  Mr.  Wash- 
woman; and  says  he,  "The  infamous  office-beggar  to 
whom  I  allude  has  made  certain  charges  against  me  in  a 
letter,  and  I  hereby  hold  up  the  unclean  wretch  to  general 
loathing.  Why,  sir,  this  incredible  wallower  in  infamy 
comes  here  with  a  record  reeking  from —  "  (Here  the  Court 
allowed  the  speaker  to  write  the  sentence  on  a  slip  of 
paper,  as  it  was  unfit  for  print).     "And  do  we  not  all 


SMOKED    GLASS.  137 

know  that  this  polluted  reptile  is  sole  owner  of  the  can- 
didate for  the  next  Presidency?  Do  we  not  all  know  that 
this  unparalleled  dabbler  and  frequent  betrayer  of — " 
(The  Court  permitted  the  speaker  to  commit  the  remark 
to  writing,  as  it  would  not  do  for  print).  ''Yet  this  same 
gentleman,  this  same  person  who,  in  a  game  of  euchre 
with  his  own  brother,  would  use  marked  cards  — " 

Hon.  Mr.  Polltax,  Speaker  of  the  House,  decided 
that  the  last  remark  was  unparliamentary. 

The  Hon.  Mr.  Washwoman  arose  calmly,  and  says  he, 
''  The  party  may  go  on  all  day  if  he  chooses.  I  scorn  to 
notice  the  impotent  drivel  of  a — "  (Witness  was  suffered 
by  the  Court  to  pencil  the  name  on  a  piece  of  paper,  as  it 
was  unsuitable  for  publication).  "I  have  plainly  said,  in 
the  letter  to  which  he  takes  exception,  that  he  once  fled 
from  his  native  city  under  a  false  name,  because  he  had 
been  detected  in — "  (The  Court  directed  deponent  to 
write  the  remainder  of  the  remark  on  a  slip  of  foolscap, 
as  it  was  not  adapted  to  public  print.)  ''And  now  let  the 
party  go  on." 

The  Hon.  Pignatius  was  sorry  if  he  had  said  anything 
unparliamentary,  and  demanded  a  Committee  to  ascertain 
what  day  would  be  most  convenient  for  the  execution  of 
the  Hon.  Mr.  Washwoman.  If  the  proposition  was  not 
out  of  order,  he  begged  leave  to  invite  all  present  to  go 
out  and  take  the  Test-oath  with  him.* 

•    j2*  *  Appendix,  5. 


138  THE   STAMP  ACT. 

Amid  the  great  enthusiasm  naturally  produced  by  this 
pleasant  termination  of  what  had  been  a  somewhat  agitated 
debate,  the  Kentucky  Chap  and  I  hurriedly  repaii'ed  to 
the  nearest  bathing  establishment,  -where,  after  we  had 
carefully  bathed,  and  had  the  splashes  scraped  from  our 
coats,  we  took  different  paths.  In  a  much  improved  frame 
of  mind,  the  pride  of  Kentucky  started  toward  Pennsylva- 
nia Avenue,  while  I  designed  a  brief  stroll  about  the  Capi- 
tol grounds  for  the  quieter  meditation  upon  the  great 
truths  we  had  just  heard.  Plunged  in  a  delicious  reverie, 
I  had  but  commenced  my  walk,  when  sounds  of  loud 
cheering  from  the  theatre  of  Impeachment  caused  me  to 
hastily  enter  that  solemn  temple  and  view  the  culminating 
pageant. 

The  Hox.  Thaddeus  Bingham  had  just  concluded  his 
touching  remarks  detrimental  to  the  respondent.  He  had 
just  finished  his  scathing  exposure  of  an  accidental  Presi- 
dent whose  lack  of  all  decorum  in  public  speaking  has 
justly  subjected  him  to  Impeachment  by  an  outraged 
Congress;  and  the  assembled  j^opulace  were  cheering  the 
consummate  artist.  Such  disagreeable  sounds,  however, 
were  unseemly  in  such  a  place,  inasmuch  as  they  awoke 
thirteen  aged  Senators  from  much-needed  slumber,  and 
jarred  the  spectacles  from  the  noses  of  two  venerable 
counsels  for  the  defence. 

The  Chief  Justice  tore  off  his  night-cap  and  threw  it 
at  a  deaf  chap  in  the  gallery  who  had  not  heard  the  call 
for  Silence,  and  was  still  stamping  and  clapping  horribly; 


SMOKED   GLASS.  139 

and  says  he,  ''The  police  will  please  remove  the  galleries, 
as  it  is  impossible  for  the  Senate  to  sleep  amid  such  con- 
fusion." 

Thus,  at  the  mandate  of  arbitrary  power,  we  were  all 
driven  forth  from  our  dormitories  into  the  pitiless  air. 
Amongst  the  throng  was  the  Mackerel  Chaplain,  and  says 
I  to  him,  — 

"Who  shall  think,  after  such  a  popular  ovation  as  this 
to  a  native  orator,  that  American  eloquence  is  declining?" 

"My  good  young  friend,"  says  the  chaplain,  shaking 
his  head,  "it  will  ever  remain  a  question  in  men's  minds, 
whether  the  late  applause  was  a  tribute  to  native  elo- 
quence, or  a  free  people's  irrepressible  delight  at  the 
assured  termination  of  the  last  of  the  Impeachment 
Speeches." 

YourSj  undecidedly, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 


LETTER   XI. 

TAKING  A  HOPEFUL  VIEW  OF  THE  FUTURE  OF  AMERICAN  ART;  AFFORD- 
ING VALUABLE  HINTS  TO  THE  COMING  GREAT  HISTORICAL  PAINTER; 
AND  SHOWING  HOW  A  SUDDEN  AND  UNPRECEDENTED  OUTBREAK  OF 
MORALITY  CAUSED  A  LAMENTABLE  "HITCH"  IN  THE  GREAT  FINAL 
TRANSFORMATION    SCENE    OF  THE  MAJESTIC  DRAMA  OF  IMPEACHMENT. 

Washinotow,  D.  C,  May  16,  1868. 

As  we  excitedly  gaze  through  a  piece  of  Smoked  Glass, 
my  boy,  upon  the  dazzling  artistic  resources  of  this  dis- 
tracted country,  and  contemplate  the  National  Academy 
of  Design,  the  American  Water-Color  Society,  and  the 
House  and  Sign  Painters'  Protective  Union,  we  find  am- 
ple encouragement  for  a  hope  that  the  aesthetical  future 
will  develop  some  great  native  wizard  of  the  ladder,  pen- 
cil, and  brush,  whose  canvas  shall  worthily  portray  a  few 
of  the  more  awful  and  chaste  events  of  our  intoxicated 
national  history.  Having  paid  twenty-five  cents  admission 
fee  to  the  old  lady  at  the  door,  and  taken  checks  for  their 
canes  from  the  decayed  artist's  male  orphan  in  the  vesti- 
bule, our  grandchildren  will  walk  in  to  survey  the  pictures 
after  the  manner  of  dispassionate  critics.  ''Oh!"  —  they 
will  softly  whisper  to  each  other,  as  they  stand  affably  be- 
fore the  paintings,  and  assume  that  thoughtfully  scowling 
expression  of  countenance  which  is  equally  indicative  of 

140 


SMOKED    GLASS.  141 

painters'  colic,  and  a  cultivated  knowledge  of  the  fine  arts 

''Oh!     how  grand   must   these   Impeachment  scenes 

have  been  to  those  who  beheld  them  in  reality !  How 
much  must  they  have  reminded  their  living  spectators  of 
the  sublime  Senatorial  pageants  of  ancient  Rome ! "  After 
saying  which,  and  casually  recognizing  a  few  spring  bon- 
nets of  their  acquaintance,  our  grandchildren  will  probably 
step  out  together  for  a  moment  to  obtain  a  glass  of  water 
and  a  clove  for  their  colds. 

The  strict  utilitarian  will  sneer  at  this  artistic  anticipa- 
tion as  the  mere  vision  of  an  enthusiast;   the  mere  wild 
speculation  of  some  dreamy  worshipper  of  Titian  and  Ru- 
bens, whose  sanguine  temperament  has  been  unduly  fired 
by  an  infatuated  adoration  of  the  glorious  frescoes  upon  the 
walls  of  the  Capitol  and  the  sides  of  the  East  Broadway 
omnibuses.     But  I  beg  leave  to  make  a  pass  at  the  strict 
utilitarian  with  a  broomstick,  and  calmly  inform  him,  in  the 
gossipy  language  of  the  '^ Tribune,"  that  he  is  a  perjured 
traitor  to  Impeachment,  a  revolting  object  to  his  constitu- 
ents, and  a  source  of  permanent  regret  to  his  Maker.    Upon 
a  coarser  subject  I  should  feel  justified  in  using  stronger 
terms;  but  art  is  still  a  delicate  exotic  with  us,  and  we 
must  not  attempt  to  dragoon  its  disbelievers  into  unity  with 
us  by  assailing  them  with  violent  abuse.     I  simply  repeat, 
then,  that  the  strict  utilitarian  is  an  accursed  renegade  to 
all  that  preserves  from  the  loathing  of  his  fellow-beings 
any  person  difiering  on  any  subject  from  myself. 

My  belief  in  the  exciting  future  of  American  Art  is  not 


142  rOP   GOES  THE   EASEL  I 

based  upon  the  frescoes  on  the  walls  of  the  Capitol  and  the 
sides  of  the  New  York  omnibuses.  No,  sir !  The  mem- 
bers of  Congress  from  mj  State  may  unanimously  call 
upon  me  to  resign,  or  request  me  to  refrain  from  voting, 
but  I  must  still  adhere  to  my  honest  convictions.  Great 
outside  pressure  being  brought  to  bear  upon  me,  I  may, 
indeed,  admit  that  I  once  noticed  on  the  interior  panels  of 
an  Erie  railroad-carriage  a  series  of  pink-and-blue  Scrip- 
tural paintings,  which  showed  what  native  art  may  yet 
do  toward  preparing  people's  minds  for  a  roll  down  an 
embankment,  and  an  accompanying  fatal  roast  in  a  burning 
sleeping-car.  I  may  also  admit,  that  much  of  the  finer 
statuary  in  and  around  the  Capitol  bids  fair  to  find  ample 
appreciation  in  every  American  household  during  the 
coming  years ;  mothers  saying  to  their  refractory  children, 
"Don't  cry  now,  my  dear,  or  the  statue  of  Benjamin 
Franklin  will  come  after  you."  '-'Go  right  to  sleep,  like 
a  good  boy,  Johnny,  or  the  equestrian  figure  of  General 
Jackson  will  catch  you."  But  none  of  these  great  works 
are  responsible  for  my  artistic  faith  in  the  future. 

A  true  fi'iend  of  mine  (that  is,  one  who  tells  me  of  my 
faults,  and  seems  really  to  regret  that  he  has  none  of  his 
own),  who  lives  here  in  a  frame  house,  got  a  young  artist- 
acquaintance  to  do  the  front  of  his  residence  last  week, 
and,  as  I  watched  the  progress  of  the  cJief  d'oeuvre,  I 
could  not  but  feel  high  hopes  that  the  impressive  splendors 
of  Impeachment  might  indeed  find  a  worthy  limner  at  last. 

Mounted  on  a  ladder  which  was  not  more  than  twice  tall 


SMOKED    GLASS.  143 

enough  for  the  edifice,  and  armed  with  a  brush  not  much 
hu'gcr  than  his  head,  the  gifted  joung  painter  laid  on  his 
touches  with  a  boldness  and  breadth  not  always  limited  by 
the  mere  width  of  the  house.  It  must  be  admitted  that  he 
got  nearly  as  much  paint  upon  the  ladder  and  his  own 
clothes  as  upon  the  residence,  and  that,  in  reaching  after 
some  nice  eflfects  of  light  and  shade^long  the  gutter-pipe, 
he  produced  quite  a  picturesque  and  irregular  white  bor- 
der on  the  edge  of  the  red-brick  house  next  door ;  but  the 
way  that  he  threw  chiaro  oscuro  into  the  shutters,  and 
painted  clean  through  a  pane  of  glass  to  the  back  of  a  rose- 
wood chair  standing  inside,  was  enough  to  show  his  genius. 
And  then,  when  he  finally  descended  to  the  sidewalk,  which 
looked  by  this  time  as  though  a  violent  snow-storm  were 
stuck  fast  to  it,  and  began  wor king-up  the  stoop  in  straw- 
color,  I  was  amazed  at  the  facility  of  his  method.  Like 
other  native  artists,  his  drawing  was  not  always  exactly  cor- 
rect, — at  times  he  drew  his  brush  so  far  over  the  edge  that 
some  of  the  straw-color  ran  down  into  the  area,  and  about  a 
pint  of  it  must  have  passed  between  the  door  and  sill  into 
the  hall, — yet  his  middle-distance  was  good,  and  the  place 
where  he  rubbed  ofi"  the  paint  by  sitting  down  on  it  to  tie 
his  shoe  would  not  be  noticed  on  a  dark  night.  Being  no 
member  of  the  pre-Raphaelite  school,  and  scorning,  that 
mechanical  minuteness  of  petty  detail  which  belongs  rather 
to  the  photographer's  drudge  than  to  the  true  artist,  he 
neglected  to  paint  behind  a  towel  hanging  from  one  of  the 
upper  windows,  and  also  left  a  few  bare  streaks  up  near 


144  DISTANCE  LENDS  ENCHANTMENT. 

the  eaves,  but,  then,  to  secure  harmony  of  effect,  he  painted 
the  door-plate  and  door-knob  with  the  greatest  care. 

In  the  afternoon,  my  friend  returned  home  from  Im- 
peachment, and,  after  slipping  down  upon  the  white  lead 
on  the  sidewalk  and  getting  his  vest,  coat,  and  hat  taste- 
fully touched  up  with  turpentine  and  straw-color,  stared 
critically  at  the  great^work. 

''Dear  me,"  says  he,  with  unreasonable  hypercriticism, 
"isn't  that  place  up  there,  by  the  towel,  a  little  too 
sketchy?" 

The  sensitive  young  artist  pushed  him  impatiently  aside 
with  his  paint-brush,  and  says  he,  — 

"Do  you  expect  to  examine  a  great  painting  by  stand- 
ing close  enough  to  touch  it  with  your  nose  ?  Just  step 
off  to  the  proper  distance, — a  couple  of  blocks,  say, — 
and  you'll  see  the  difference." 

My  friend  retired  a  couple  of  blocks  for  the  purpose; 
but  quickly  returned  in  great  agitation,  and  says  he,  — 

"From  that  distance  the  house  doesn't  look  as  though 
it  had  been  painted  at  all." 

"Exactly !  "  says  the  young  artist,  triumphantly.  "The 
perfection  of  art  is  to  conceal  art.  I"  11  leave  the  ladder 
standing  here  five  or  six  days,  and  send  in  my  bill  immedi- 
ately." And  he  shook  hands  with  us  with  the  greatest 
good  feeling,  and  promptly  retired  with  the  pots  to  his 
Academy  of  Painting. 

His  work,  my  boy,  was  a  bold  Sketch,  a  strong  Study, 
rather  than  a  strictly-finished  composition;  and  what  I  at 


SMOKED    GLASS.  145 

first  took  for  his  signature  in  the  lower  right-hand  corner, 
has  since  proved  to  be  the  sign  of  a  Dutch  boot-maker 
keeping  shop  in  the  basement ;  but  the  young  artist  is  des- 
tined to  rise  (especially  when  he  has  a  ladder  with  him), 
and,  as  he  is  particularly  noted  for  his  Varnishing  also, 
we  may  well  believe  that  the  man  destined  to  pictorialize 
Impeachment  for  posterity  is  not  far  off.  The  man  must 
be  really  great  with  Varnish,  you  see,  or  the  sublime 
historical  work  may  be  regarded  by  posterity  as  altogether 
too  shallow-looking  and  crude  to  be  tolerated  by  respectable 
notice. 

As  it  is  unquestionably  a  duty  of  the  contemporaneous 
historian  to  give  the  future  artist  certain  vivid  hints  for 
his  canvas,  I  take  the  liberty  of  insinuating  that  last  Mon- 
day and  Tuesday  afternoons  offered  fine  opportunities  for 
sketching,  and  that  some  vigorous  ''whitewashing"  was 
even  attempted  on  the  spot.  Art,  however,  has  its  sepa- 
rate departments;  and  if  the  inspired  white  washer  shall 
also  be  required  to  touch-up  some  of  the  principal  figures 
in  the  great  historical  Impeachment  picture  of  the  future, 
it  is  to  be  hoped  that  the  gifted  young  painter  and  varnisher 
will  not  grudge  a  reasonable  share  of  the  honors  to  his 
brother-artist.  Many  of  our  very  greatest  public  men  are 
already  known  to  prefer  whitewash  to  natural  colors  in  such 
portraits  of  themselves  as  are  taken  for  posterity ;  and, 
aside  even  from  the  admitted  necessity  of  this  branch  of 
art  in  the  depiction  of  such  eminent  historical  personages, 
its  practical  encouragement  by  all  true  philanthropists  can- 

13 


146  THE    GREAT  TRIBUNE-AL. 

not  fail  to  aid  notably  in  the  elevation  of  the  freed-negro 
race,  many  of  whose  members  are  its  ablest  exponents. 

To  both  branches  of  art,  then,  I  may  intimate,  that  a 
picture  representing  a  massive  lump  of  white  sugar  in  an 
elevated  background,  and  about  ten  thousand  agitated  horse- 
flies swarming  at  it  in  the  fore  and  middle  ground,  will  con- 
vey a  reliable  idea  of  the  majestic  Theatre  of  Impeachment 
on  the  afternoons  I  have  named.  A  general  and  particular 
understanding  that  the  great  final  Transformation  Scene 
of  the  exciting  play  was  to  have  a  private  rehearsal  on 
Monday,  preparatory  to  its  triumphant  production  at  the 
Tuesday  matinee,  caused  all  the  unemployed  persons  in  the 
United  States  to  visit  this  city  without  further  confusion; 
and,  as  I  looked  down  from  my  window  at  Willard's  upon 
the  dense  throng  of  amusement-seekers  in  the  street,  I  could 
not  help  saying  to  myself,  after  the  manner  of  Xerxes,  — 

'^Of  all  these  myriads,  not  one  will  be  alive  in  a  hun- 
dred years  from  now !  None  live  more  than  a  hundred 
years,  except  revolutionary  veterans  and  poll-parrots.  Even 
now,  some  five  or  six  Senators  are  seriously  sick  from  Im- 
peachment Speeches.  The  thought  is  melancholy,  and  I'll 
just  step  down  to  the  bar-room  and  see  if  there  are  any 
letters  for  me  from  Jamaica  or  Santa  Cruz." 

But  the  surging  throng  i;i  the  hallways  caught  me  as  I 
descended,  and  I  was  summarily  swept  out-doors  upon  the 
Avenue,  just  in  time  to  hear  the  remarks  of  the  venerable 
Miss  P.  Hen;  who  had  arrived  hastily  from  New  York 
expressly  to  witness  the  great  Transformation  Scene,  and 


SMOKED    GLASS.  147 

was  waving  her  blue  cotton  umbrella  in  a  spirited  harangue 
to  the  populace.  Miss  P.  Hen  is  the  author  of  the  most 
reliable  History  of  the  War  ever  delivered  to  subscribers 
at  four  dollars  a  volume,  besides  being  celebrated  for  bail- 
ing out  the  recent  well-known  Southern  Confederacy  ;  and 
says  she, — 

''The  great  Transformation  Scene  will  satisfy  every- 
body, and  be  universally  accepted  by  the  press  and  public 
as  the  most  splendid  spectacle  of  the  age.  A.  Johnson  is 
transformed  into- a  private  citizen;  B.  Wade  is  turned  into 
the  King  of  Fairy-Land,  and  all  the  seven-thirties  are 
changed  into  five-twenties.  One  of  our  great  machinists, 
named  Trumbull,  is  probably  the  most  ingenious  man  ever 
known,  and  also  deserves  credit  as  the  author  of  that  im- 
mortal Civil  Rights  Act  which  permits  colored  men  to  go 
behind  the  scenes  and — " 

Here  a  well-informed  chap  came  tearing  frantically 
along  from  the  majestic  Theatre  of  Impeachment,  and  says 
he, — 

''There's  a  hitch  in  the  rehearsal  of  the  Transformation 
Scene,  my  friends !  Trumbull  refuses  to  perform;  because, 
he  says,  that  theatricals  are  immoral." 

Miss  P.  Hen  made  a  pass  at  him  with  her  blue  cotton 
umbrella,  and  says  she,  — 

"As  every  enemy  of  decency  and  morality  remarks, 
Trumbull  is  the  most  ingenious  man  ever  known;  but 
outraged  public  sentiment  points  at  him  the  withering 
finger  of  scorn,  and  the  coming  ages  shall  regard  him  as  a 


148  SCRUPLES   VERSUS   DRAMA. 

noxious  insect.  Oh!"  sajs  Miss  P.  Hen,  with  wild  emo- 
tion, ^'I  feel  that  I  could  tear  his  eyes  out ! " 

Turning  sadly  from  sight  of  the  gifted  lady's  tears,  and 
edging  slowly  around  a  group  of  solid  Boston  men,  who 
were  committing  an  assault  with  carpet-bags  upon  another 
machinist,  named  Grimes,  who  was  also  suspected  of  hav- 
ing moral  scruples  against  the  drama,  I  came  suddenly 
upon  that  haughty  Southerner,  Loyola  Munchausen,  who, 
in  his  surtout  of  French-Yoke  Shirt,  and  Spring-overcoat 
of  Water-Proof  Awning,  was  malevolently  offering  bets 
against  the  success  of  the  great  Transformation  Scene. 
He  had  left  his  organ  and  monkey  at  home  in  the  suburban 
hen-house  where  he  now  resides ;  but  I  noticed  two  or  three 
new  business-cards  pasted  in  the  advertising  panels  of  the 
half  a  boot-leg  which  he  wears  as  a  dress-hat;  and  says  he,  — 

*'  Here  you  are,  now,  ten  mortgages  to  five  that  the 
Transformation  Scene  don't  work.  Here  you  are :  first 
and  second  mortgages  on  improved  Southern  real-estate. 
Ten  to  five  that  the  great  Transformation  don't  come 
off  to-morrow." 

Before  I  could  salute  him,  there  was  a  fresh  excitement 
right  behind  me,  where  the  irascible  Miss  P.  Hen  had 
'lighted  upon  Fessenden,  a  third  machinist,  whose  moral 
compunctions  would  not  allow  him  to  take  final  part  in  the 
immoral  drama,  and  was  indignantly  beating  him  over  the 
head  with  her  blue  cotton  umbrella.  ''Oh!  "  says  she  to 
him,  "you  nasty  thing!"     And  she  stuck  the  ferule  of 


SMOKED   GLASS.  149 

her  umbrella  into  his  ear,  and  began  spanking  him  with 
one  of  her  shoes.* 

And  when  the  memorable  Tuesday  came,  and  it  was 
really  announced  to  the  vast  audience  of  the  Impeach- 
ment matinee,  that,  in  consequence  of  a  defect  in  the  com- 
plicated machinery,  the  great  Transformation  Scene  must 
be  deferred  until  Saturday,  it' actually  seemed  as  though 
the  dramatic  public  were  bent  upon  having  the  Scene,  even 
though  it  were  given  separately  as  merely  a  Farce. 

Under  the  supervision  of  the  incensed  P.  Hen,  a  public 
indignation  meeting  was  immediately  called,  whereat  it  was 
unanimously  resolved,  that  those  machinists  who  were 
moral  should  either  at  once  resign  all  employment  and  go 
to  the  Poorhouse,  or  be  adjudged  guilty  of  corruption, 
tergiversation,  and  inexpressible  iniquity. 

These,  my  boy,  are  a  few  of  the  points  to  which  I 
would  call  the  especial  attention  of  the  future  great  his- 
torical painters  of  this  distracted  country;  trusting  that 
varnish  and  whitewash  will  combine  to  make  the  pictures 
a  refinement  upon  the  originals. 

Yours,  sketchingly, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 


♦  "  Beneath  the  rule  of  men  entirely  great, 

The  P.  Hen  is  mightier  than  the  Seward."  — Bulweb. 

13* 


LETTER    XII. 

NARRATING  THE  SUDDEK  JOURNEY  OF  OUR  CORRESPONDENT  AND  OTHERS 
TO  THE  SOUTH  ON  A  MISSION  OF  RECONSTRUCTION;  ILLUSTRATING  THE 
USUAL  GYMNASTIC  PERILS  OF  AMERICAN  RAILROAD  TRAVEL ;  AND  POR- 
TRAYING HOW  THE  WRITER  AND  CAPTAIN  VILLIAM  BROWN,  ESKEVIRE, 
WERE  RECEIVED  BY  A  RENOWNED  CONFEDERACY. 

Chipmcsk  Cocbt  Hocsk,  May  20, 1868. 

The  Human  Mind  !  —  what  a  marvellous,  commonplace, 
firm,  unstable  possession  it  is !  The  more  we  have  of  it  to 
show,  the  greater  is  our  envj  of  Shakespearian  Comment- 
ators, Native  Dramatists,  Congressmen,  and  others,  who 
possess  merely  that  piece  of  mind  which  passeth  show. 
Mine,  mj  boj,  is  an  inquiring  mind,  —  that  is  to  saj,  it 
ventilates  itself  in  quires, — and,  having  grown  weary  of 
those  Impeachment  splendors  which  once  it  doated  on,  now 
asks  itself,  What  next  ? 

Inspiring  me  to  smoke  my  piece  of  glass  anew,  it  also 
directs  me  to  turn  that  reliable  safety-lens  Southward; 
and,  in  obedience  to  the  hint,  I  have  even  secured  the  ap- 
pointment of  National  Stenographer  to  a  Reconstructing 
Expedition  lately  organized  for  a  Confederate  clime,  and 
now  beg  leave  to  propose  a  suitable  prefatory  sentiment, 
after  the  manner  of  all  great  historians. 

Peace,  meek-eyed  Peace,  has   cut  its   snowy  pigeon- 

150 


SMOKED    GLASS.  151 

wind's  over  the  recent  Southern  tracks  of  Federal  carnage, 
and  our  beloved  country  reels  more  mighty  and  prosperous 
from  the  late  sanguinary  affair  than  writhing  Europe  cares 
to  admit.  How^'Keautiful  is  the  spectacle,  as  we  view  it 
through  a  piece  of  Smoked  Glass  !  How  sublime  a  thing 
it  is  to  see  a  million  of  strategic  troops  turning  tranquilly 
from  the  tented  field,  and  selling  Newtown  pippins  on  the 
ferry-boats  !  How  ennobling  it  is  to.  think  that  the  very 
beings  who  were  once  brass-buttoned  brigadiers,  and  drank 
success  to  the  good  cause  in  many  a  fiercely-contested  bot- 
tle, are  now  applying  in  large  numbers  for  admission  to 
the  bar  kept  by  Themis ! 

'Tis  sweet,  my  native  land,  to  behold  thine  exhibition 
of  so  much  majestic  shape  to  the  world ;  and  all  will  ecstat- 
ically black  thy  boots,  save  affrighted  Albion,  and  that 
imperial  Gaul  whose  not  remote  purchase  of  our  iron-clad 
**' Dunderberg  "  *  may  yet  make  us  wish  that  we  hadn't 
made  such  French-ship. 

Toning  this  sentiment  to  the  more  dulcet  register  of  my 
fine  organ  (which  I  find  to  be  the  name  for  "voice,"  in  the 
admirable  musical  criticisms  of  all  our  excellent  morninor 

o 

journals),  I  expressed  it  to  the  Conservative  Kentucky 
Chap,  the  other  day,  in  an  ante-room  of  the  White  House, 
where  we  stood  waiting  our  turn  to  take  a  parting  pardon 
with  the  Executive  before  departing  on  our  several  Gov- 
ernment salaries. 

Merely  stepping  aside  for  a  moment,  while  a  large-sized 

*  Now  known  as  the  "  Rochambeau  "  of  the  Imperial  navy. 


152  WE   FOR   GIVING  —  YOU   FOR   GETTING. 

Confederacy,  on  his  way  to  take  a  pardon,  made  a  cheerful 
pass  with  his  bowie-knife  at  a  one-armed  Federal  hireling 
near  the  wall,  the  Conservative  Kentucky  Chap  pulled  on 
a  pair  of  yellow  kid  gloves,  and  says  he,  — 

"'Tis  sweet,  indeed,  to  see  our  native  land  thus  rising 
like  a  Felix  from  her  ashes,  and  causing  all  the  iron-clads 
of  nature  to  tremble  horribly  together  at  Cherbourg  and 
Spithead ;  but  Kentucky  far  prefers  the  pageant  of  these 
Confederacies,  now  forgiving  their  recent  Vandal  foes,  and 
taking  pardon  at  the  same  table  with  him  who  was  once 
their  tailor.''  * 

Here  the  Conservative  Kentucky  Chap  accepted  an 
apology  from  the  haughty  Virginian,  who  had  accidentally 
knocked  his  hat  over  his  eyes  in  an  attempt  to  hit  an  ad- 
jacent crippled  Hessian  with  his  cane,  and  ate  a  hickory 
nut  from  the  lunch-basket  of  a  female  Confederacy  in  front 
of  him. 

"  Very  true,  my  discriminating  Von  Bismarck,"  said  I, 
sagely ;  ' '  and  I  doubt  not  the  forgiving  nature  of  these 
sunny  men  expects  to  meet  in  return  a  disposition  for  giv- 
ing them  —  anything  they  ask  ! '' 

"Hem!"'  says  the  Conservative  Kentucky  Chap,  se- 
verely, as  he  moved  hastily  aside  to  let  a  Confederacy  of 
much  collar  get  his  shoes  polished  by  a  member  of  our 
national  conservative  organization.      "Hem!"   says  the 

*  It  may  be  remembered  that  President  Johnson's  stronger  demonstrations 
against  Congress  brought  multitudes  of  ex-rebel  paidon-seekers  to  the  White 
House. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  153 

Kentucky  chap,  ''you  possess  a  radical  soul,  incapable  of 
appreciating  that  noble  sect  of  reconstructed  planters  with 
whom  Kentucky  is  connected  by  marriage." 

Cowering  under  his  just  rebuke,  and  thinking  that,  after 
all,  I  should  be  as  well  without  a  pardon  so  late  in  the 
afternoon,  I  shook  hands  with  him,  and  then  respectfully 
begged  my  way  through  all  the  Southern  States  to  the 
front  door,  from  whence  I  sped  to  the  railroad  depot,  where 
Captain  Villiam  Brown  and  the  Conic*  Section  of  the  late 
unconquerable  Mackerel  Brigade  were  to  start  with  me  for 
Chipmunk  Court  House,  in  storied  Accomac. 

We  were  going  by  rail  to  reconstruct  that  sunflower  of 
chivalry.  Captain  Munchausen ;  and  we  took  to  him,  as  a 
Provisional  Governor,  his  elder  brother,  Loyola  Munchau- 
sen, whose  unflinching  fidelity  to  the  Union,  in  not  taking 
arms  for  the  South  while  laid  up  with  typhus  fever  and 
inflammatory  rheumatism,  had  very  justly  procured  for 
him  this  appointment.  It  is  by  thus  encouraging  the  loyal 
element  of  a  sunny  clime  that  we  unite  justice  with  mag- 
nanimity, and  astonish  Professor  Goldwin  Smith,  of  Oxford. 

''Well,  my  wizard  of  the  sword,"  said  I  to  Villiam,  as 
I  espied  that  unpromo|;ed  warrior  on  the  platform  of  a  car, 
giving  directions  as  to  the  disposal  of  his  property  to  an 
attorney  of  his  acquaintance,  "is  the  Provisional  aboard, 
and  all  right  for  starting?  " 

*  The  Mackerel  "  Conic "  Section  is  so  called  by  reason  of  its  novel  stra- 
tegical tendency  to  assume  the  shape  of  a  cone  when  going  into  action,  the 
attenuated  apex  being  toward  the  enemy. 


154  THROUGH   LINES. 

"  Yes,  my  fren',''  said  Villiam,  handing  his  watch  to 
the  attorney,  and  sadly  intimating  that  it  was  to  be  sent  to 
his  poor  mother;  ''yes,"  says  Yilliam,  ''he's  holding  his 
breath  on  a  seat  by  himself,  and  trying  to  be  cam." 

"  Ah  !  "  said  I,  vainly  endeavoring  to  appear  unmoved, 
"  where  are  we  expected  to  have  our  first  engagement  ?  " 

"Just  below  here,  my  fren',"  says  Yilliam,  cutting  ojQf 
a  lock  of  his  hair  for  the  attorney,  "  where  a  couple  of 
rails  are  broken." 

Too  much  affected  to  say  more,  we  went  into  the  car 
reserved  for  officers  and  civilians,  and  took  a  seat  together, 
with  our  hands  interclasped.  Thus  we  sat;  and,  while 
the  train  was  waiting  for  a  speculative  surgeon  to  come 
aboard,  an  agent  of  a  Yankee  "Accident  Insurance  Com- 
pany" introduced  a  street-minstrel  with  a  harp,  who  played 
and  sang  this  harmless 

BIT  OF  RAILLERY. 

Botsy  Bacon,  dearest  one, 

Lay  your  head  upon  my  shoulder; 
Will  you  go  and  be  a  nun. 

When  your  lover's  hand  is  colder  ? 

Will  his  mangled  last  remain* 

Win  from  you  a  tear  of  pity  ?  — 
Oh,  that  other  things  than  trains 

Took  us  to  a  neighboring  city  ! 

Wildly  gazed  she  in  my  face, 

Crying,  as  she  clung  about  me, 
**  Bobby,  in  the  name  of  grace, 

Go  away  you  sha'n't  without  me  ! 


SMOKED    GLASS.  155 

"  Why,  I  thought  you  only  meant, 

Just  a  business  trip  to  make  it; 
Yet  you  seem  on  death  intent;  — 

Have  you  stole  my  heart  to  break  it  ? 

*'  Wherefore  speak  of  death  at  all; 

Aren't  you  coming  back  to-morrow  ? 
Let  me  some  physician  call;  — 

What  has  crazed  you,  joy  or  sorrow?" 

Betsy,  darling  —  low  I  spoke  — 

Don't  you  know  by  rail  I'm  going  ? 
Ev'ry  train  there's  something  broke, 

By  the  daily  paper's  showing. 

Tis  as  sure  as  sure  can  be 

That  some  accident  will  happen ; 
Likely  the  first  bridge  we  see 

Will  give  way  and  let  us  slap  in. 

Or  a  train  of  freight  we'll  strike, 

Or  another  train  run  into; 
Count  on  life,  with  death  so  like  ?  — 

Well  you  know  'twould  be  a  sin  to  ! 

Sadly  droop'd  her  pretty  Lead,  . 

Like  a  lily  rudely  shaken ; 
**  If  for  life  you  care,"  she  said, 

**  Stay  at  home,  and  save  year  Baoon  !  " 


0  sudden  Death !  At  any  time  thou  seemest  to  us 
the  most  terrible  of  earthly  ills,  save  when  Mr.  T upper 
brings  out  a  new  book ;  but  how  supernaturally  malignant 
dost  thou  appear  when  we  have  to  buy  the  tickets  for  our 


156  TJEE  EYES   OF   THE   WHOLE   WHIRLED. 

own  funeral,  and  die  standing  on  our  heads  between  two 
mutilated  biakemen. 

"Hum  !  "  Says  Yilliam,  thoughtfully,  jufet  as  the  train 
began  to  move  ;  ' '  are  those  the  marbles  of  my  childhood 
which  mine  eyes  behold?" 

I  looked  to  the  car  floor,  as  he  spoke,  and  beheld  certain 
little  figured  glass  balls,  as  they  appeared  to  be,  rolling 
loosely  around ;  but,  upon  picking  one  up,  I  found  it  to  be 
a  human  eye. 

"Conductor,"'  said  I,  calmly  as  I  could,  to  a  being 
attached  to  his  watch  by  a  large  chain,  who  was  waltzing 
solemnly  down  the  aisle  and  doing  the  ticket  trick,  —  "con- 
ductor," said  I,  "what  mean  these?" 

"Why,"  says  the  conductor,  pleasantly,  "you  see  the 
cars  haven't  been  swept  out  since  that  last  little  affair  we  had 
with  the  night  express  from  Pinchtown."  Here  the  affa- 
ble conductor  took  up  an  eye,  and  says  he,  "If  the  crystal 
of  that  one  wasn't  broken,  it  would  make  a  neat  scarf-pin ! " 

Just  at  this  moment,  the  engaging  conductor  quickly 
ascended  to  the  top  of  the  car,  and  put  his  head  through 
the  ventilator,  and  all  the  gentlemen  in  the  seats  adjacent 
joined  me  in  sitting  upon  Captain  Yilliam  Brown. 

For  we  had  had  a  spirited  skirmish  with  a  milk  train, 
and  had  killed  two  di'overs  and  a  lozenge-boy. 

"You  see,"  said  the  polite  conductor,  coming  down,  and 
continuing  the  conversation,  "when  you  have  eyes  only, 
you  can't  do  much  else  than  use  them  for  scarf-pins ;  but 
when  you  have  a  few  good  legs,  five  or  six  hands  that  have 


KED    GLASS.  157 


come  off  clean,  and  as  many  tops  of  heads  as  would  fill  a 
small  basket,  the  directors  let  you  sell  them  to  the  medical 
students,  for  the  company,  and  pay  a  fair  commission  to 
you." 

The  really  agreeable  conductor  now  darted  through  the 
length  of  the  car,  and  placed  his  head  through  the  top  of 
the  door,  and  four  fat  women  and  the  Provisional  Governor 
went  to  bed  upon  Villiam  and  me. 

For  we  had  had  a  sharp  time  on  the  right  with  a  broken 
bridge,  and  wounded  twelve  Mackerels  and  the  baggage- 
master. 

''  It  must  be  plain  to  everybody,"  observed  the  genial 
conductor,  coming  back  with  his  collar-bone  broken,  and 
resuming  the  interview,  "  that  the  leg  and  hand  business 
will  hardly  pay  you  sometimes  ;  for  I  have  known  whole 
weeks  to  pass  without  giving  you  anything  more  than  a 
couple  of  dozen  fingers,  and  a  few  poorly-executed  knee- 
pans,  which  don't  pay  you  for  taking  them  to  the  medical 
college." 

It  was  at  this  moment  that  the  amiable  conductor,  went 
very  swiftly  and  stood  upon  his  head  behind  the  stove,  and 
Villiam  stretched  himself  at  full  length  from  a  pink  bonnet 
to  a  large  ''chignon." 

For  we  had  had  a  brilliant  charge  down  a  bank,  and 
scalded  three  brakemen  and  a  conductor. 

"  Some  people  might  imagine,"  said  the  lively  conductor, 
not  minding  his  broken  arms,  and  regaining  the  thread  of 
his  discourse,  ''  that  you  might  make  something  out  of  the 
14 


158  A   TRAIN  OF  THOUGHT. 

feet  and  shoulder-blades  you  sometimes  get  ,•  but  the  feet 
are  apt  to  be  too  much  crushed  to  pay,  and  so  many 
shoulder-blades  are  brought  to  market  from  the  Western 
trains,  on  which  a  great  many  elderly  maiden  ladies  travel, 
that  they  are  a  perfect  drug/' 

Upon  which  the  thoroughly  fascinating  conductor  van- 
ished magically  behind  the  half  of  the  car-floor  which  arose 
between  him  and  us,  and  Villiam  and  I  retired  over  the 
top  of  the  water-cooler. 

For  we  had  had  a  stirring  afiair  with  a  broken  tie,  and 
rolled  nine  women  and  a  quarter-master  into  one  vignti- 
pede. 

Captain  Yilliam  Brown  removed  the  cover  of  the  water- 
cooler  from  his  head,  where  it  had  rested  like  a  helmet, 
and  says  he,  — 

''  Who  shall  care  for  mother  now  ?  " 

*'  Cheer  up,  my  blue  and  gold  Achilles,"  said  I,  extri- 
cating my  left  thigh  from  the  side  of  the  car,  and  noticing 
with  satisfaction  that  we  had  just  run  over  a  cow  with 
safety;  '^  cheer  up,  for  we  approach  the  place  where 
awaits  us  the  flower  of  chivalry  !  " 

^'Ah!"  says  Villiam,  taking  his  will  from  an  inner 
pocket,  and  pinning  it  to  his  coat  collar,  so  that  it  might 
be  easily  seen  by  those  who  should  find  the  upper  part  of 
his  body,  —  ''  ah  !  "  says  he,  softly,  ^' train  up  a  man  in 
the  way  he  should  go,  and  he  will  not  live  to  be  old  enough 
to  depart  from  it.     That  is,"  says  Villiam,  explainingly. 


SMOKED    OLASS.  159 

« if  the  train  is  on  a  railroad  appertaining  to  the  United 

States  of  America."  ' 

This  sa<^acious  remark  of  Villiam  suggested  to  me  that 
the  "train^up"  in  a  man's  case,  like  the  "train  up"  m  a 
child's,  not  unfrequently  owed  its  mishaps  to  a  misplaced 
switch  •  and  I  was  about  to  convey  the  idea  to  Villiam,  m 
the  unstudied  phraseology  of  our  more  serious  comic 
iournals,  when  we  both  went  up  like  rockets  into  the  air. 

For  we  had  had  something  of  a  brush  with  the  exploding 
boiler  of  the  locomotive,  and  had  experienced  what  an  un- 
grammatical  person  might  denominate  the  last  rose  of 

summer.  .  ,, . 

"  Hum !  "  says  Villiam,  from  the  top  of  a  pine  tree ;     is 

this  Chipmunk  Coui-t  House  ?  "  ^  ^       \ 

"  It  must  be,  my  bird  of  Mars,"  murmured  I,  from  the 
upper  branches  of  a  horse-chestnut. 

Here  a  dreadful  groan  burst  from  Provisional  Governor 
Munchausen,  who  was  seated  on  the  chimney  of  a  deserted 
house  beside  the  track,  and  says  he,  "  Do  my  spectacles 
relate  a  falsehood,  or  is  that  really  a  human  being  up 

^°it'wM  the  figure  of  the  engaging  conductor,  impaled 
upon  a  lightning-rod  surmounting  a  lofty  flag-staff,  and 
striking  feebly  out  with  his  hands  and  feet,  after  the  manner 
of  a  fly  on  a  pin.  As  we  gazed,  there  came  down  a  soft 
voice  of  solicitation,  and  it  said,  "  Tick-ets  !  "  ^^ 
"  Ah !  "  says  Villiam,  «  his  name  is  Tickets  ! 


160  "knuckles  down." 

Here  the  friendly  conductor  wriggled  impatiently,  and 
held  down  a  hand  toward  us,  and  says  he,  — 

''TICK-ETS!" 

After  which,  he  immediately  folded  up,  and  we  felt  that 
his  spirit  had  fled  to  its  native  depot. 

Luckily  for  us,  my  boy,  Captain  Munchausen  now 
arrived  at  the  scene,  from  his  native  palace,  to  pick  out  a 
few  remains  of  such  friends  as  might  have  come  on  the 
train  ;  and  as  we  came  down  the  trees,  and  noticed  nearly 
all  the  Conic  Section  coming  down  from  other  trees  around, 
he  nodded  the  woollen  stocking  which  served  him  as  a  cap, 
and  says  he,  — 

' '  Having  been  overpowered  by  superior  numbers,  I  am 
prepared  to  be  reconstructed,  and  accept  the  temporary 
protection  of  your  armed  ruffians." 

Villiam  endeavored  to  draw  his  good  sword,  Escalibar; 
but,  finding  that  exquisitely  tempered  weapon  too  much 
bent  to  come  out  of  the  scabbard,  he  remembered  the  ter- 
rifying effect  of  the  word  '-  Sirrah !  "  as  found  in  all  our 
absorbing  weekly  journals  of  aristocratic  romance,  and 
says  he,  — 

"Peace,  sarah!" 

Captain  Munchausen  superciliously  thrust  his  hands 
into  his  pockets,  quite  forgetful  that  all  his  knuckles 
came  visibly  through  in  front,  and  says  he,  — 

^ '  Let  the  Union  meeting  proceed  to  organize,  after  the 
wishes  of  our  noble  President." 

Hereupon  the  Provisional  Governor  at  once  mounted  an 


SMOKED   GLASS.  161 

inverted  pail,  and  addressed  the  vast  assemblage  in  the 

following  speech, —  . 

"  Fellow-Citizens  of  AccoMAC.-Four  years  of  heroic 
wir  and  glorious  self-sacrifice,  for  a  wicked  cause  still  dear 
to  every  freeman's  heart,  having  failed  for  the  present  to 
attain  our  independence,  let  us  rejoice  at  the  restoration  of 
the  beloved  old  Union,  under  our  noble  President,  and 
return  to  it  full  of  forgiveness  for  the  present !  " 

Here  the  meeting  was  for  a  moment  disturbed,  by  Captain 
Munchausen's  involuntary  discharge  of  a  pistol  at  a  Mack- 
erel corporal,  who  was  accidentally  looking  at  him  like  a 
conqueror;  but  order  was  quickly  restored,  by  the  arrest 
of  the  soldier,  on  a  charge  of  stealing  glances,  and  the 

meeting  went  on. 

-I  am  appointed  Provisional  Governor,  to  secure  your 
forgiveness  by  means  of  provisions;  and  while  I  would 
earnestly  entreat  you,  fellow.-citizens,  never  to  cease 
cherishing  the  glory  of  that  greatest  and  purest  of  patriots, 
Mr  Jefferson  Davis,  I  would  also  implore  you  to  stand  by 
our  noble  President  in  his  struggle  with  the  reptiles  of  the 

North!" 

Captain  Munchausen  merely  turned  away  for  a  moment, 
to  make  a  kick  at  a  Mackerel  passing  by,  and  then  says 

*''^he  sunny  South  will  receive  you  again  as  equals! 
Follow  me  with  your  vampyres  to  my  chateau !  " 

As  we  followed  him,  through  the  shades  of  evening,  i. 
noticed  that  Captain  Villiam  Brown  was  deeply  moved. 


li* 


162  IN 

"Ah  !  "  says  Yilliam,  profoundly,  ''  the  sunny  South  ig 
like  the  feather-bed  of  my  early  years,  and  grows  larger 
from  being  well  beaten." 

And  like  woman,  who  is  never  farther  from  her  con- 
queror's feet  than  when  she  -yields  to  his  arms  !  * 
Yours,  amiably, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 


LETTER   XIII. 

U8HEBIXO  IN  THE  LADY  OF  THE  CHATEAU  WITH  ALL  THE  FORMS  AND 
graces;  INTRODUCING  croquet  AND  ONE  OF  ITS  USUAL  RESULTS;  AND 
RECORDING  THE  DIREFUL  MISTAKE  OF  AN  UNSUSPECTING  UNION  OFFICER. 

Chipmukk  Couet  House,  May  21,  1868. 

How  exquisite  a  creation  is  woman,  as  she  evokes  the 
soothing  melodj  of  home  from  a  seven-octave  piano,  and 
warbles  the  anguish  of  Italy  in  a  manner  to  reach  the  ears 
of  Garibaldi !  How  like  a  fairy  of  patient  tenderness  and 
love  is  she  to  the  little  spanklings  of  the  tranquil  house, 
as  she  fondly  confides  them  to  the  care  of  her  sweeping 
mother,  while  she  goes  out  to  do  a  little  shopping;  or 
thoughtfully  persuades  them  from  the  apartment  when  one 
calls  whose  misery  as  to  what  to  do  with  his  hat  and  legs 
might  overtask  their  delicate  young  nerves  !  How  softly 
creak  her  ministering  steps  in  the  sick-room,  as  she  goes 
every  three  minutes  to  see  what  time  it  is  getting  to  be, 
and  seldom  upsets  more  than  two  chairs  and  the  tray  of 
breakfast  things  on  each  chronological  occasion !  How  like 
a  soothing  vision  from  some  better  world  is  she  to  her  care- 
worn husband,  when  she  acutely  sympathizes  in  all  his 
troubles  by  having  the  sick-headache  as  soon  as  he  com- 
mences telling  them  to  her,  ai^d  ardently  shares  in  all  his 
joys  at  the  exact  moment  when  they  take  the  shape  of  an 

163 


164  A   SKIRT  INDIVIDUAL. 

invitation  to  the  opera  !  And  then,  when  adversity  comes 
down  upon  him  to  whom  she  has  sworn  to  send  all  her 
bills,  and  he  finds  it  difficult  to  buy  that  daily  cheap  cigar 
which  he  feels  compelled  as  a  gentleman  to  purchase  at 
the  gratuitous  lunch-saloon  where  he  inexpensively  dines, 
how  touching  is  it  to  see  her  so  willingly  practising  all  the 
rigors  of  economy,  —  to  see  her  giving  only  four  dollars  for 
a  "  braid,"  when  she  might  get  one  for  four  and  a  quarter, 
and  contenting  herself  with  three  pounds  of  ^' mixed" 
candies,  when  French  assorted  fruit-drops  are  so  much 
higher ! 

The  arrival  of  Matilda  Munchausen  at  the  chateau  of 
her  brother  is  the  event  leading  me  into  this  train  of 
thoughts ;  and  when  I  remember  how  this  fair  girl  freely 
offered  a  pair  of  ear-rings  to  be  melted  into  cannon  for  the 
South,  and  went  with  her  own  feet  to  carry  a  pair  of  em- 
broidered lamp-mats  to  a  sick  Confederacy  in  the  hospital, 
I  feel  that  my  eyes,  in  dying,  could  not  rest  upon  any- 
thing more  beautiful  and  appropriate  than  a  woman's  hand 
presenting  me  with  a  crochet  smoking-cap. 

At  the  commencement  of  the  recent  misunderstanding 
between  the  sections,  Matilda  fled  from  the  chateau  to 
Wilmington,  where  news  of  the  latest  fashions  was  likely 
to  be  soonest  heard ;  and  at  the  period  when  the  pros- 
pects of  the  South  seemed  darkest,  wrote  to  her  brothers 
that  the  Elliptic  Hoop-skirt  was  the  best.  And  nowj  that 
Reconstruction  has  set  in,  and  edging  is  no  dearer  in  Wil- 
mington than  it  is  anywhere  else,  she  has  returned  hastily 


SMOKED    GLASS.  165 

to  the  halls  of  her  fathers  to  get  her  back-hair  recon- 
structed. 

Captain  Villiam  Brown  and  I  had  just  returned  from 
reproving  two  Mackerels,  who  had  been  scalded  with  hot 
tea  by  order  of  the  Provisional  Governor  for  looking  at  the 
surrounding  country  like  conquerors,  as  it  were,  —  we  had 
just  returned  from  this  mission  of  duty,  when  Matilda 
IMunchausen  arrived  and  asked  if  anybody  had  called  dur- 
ing the  last  six  years. 

^'Matilda,"  said  Captain  Munchausen,  impressively,  as 
he  retied  the  bit  of  twine  which  held  his  vest  together  in 
front,  "the  two  blue  "Vandals  before  you,  trimmed  with 
brass  buttons,  are  —  ha  !  ha  !  —  our  Conquerors ;  and  you 
must  not  spit  on  them  for  the  present.  Miss  Munchausen, 
Vandals;  Vandals,  Miss  Munchausen." 

''Ah !  "  says  Villiam,  bowing  as  one  who  should  look 
for  a  pin  upon  the  floor,  and  recovering  himself  just  in 
time  to  save  I  a  small  black  bottle  from  sliding"  out  of  his 
pocket,  "we  are  Vandals  only  in  our  extreme  willingness 
to  take  a  Roam  with  you." 

"And,"  said  I,  bowing  also,  "you  are  yourself  fair 
enough  to  make  each  of  us  a  Cinna." 

"Sirs,"  said  Matilda,  haughtily,  "while  you  are  guests 
at  my  brother's  chateau,  and  have  your  minions  on  the 
grass-plat,  which  is  a  burning  shame,  I  shall  not  wear  my 
hair  in  papers.  But  you  must  not  bring  any  of  your  con- 
quering airs  here,  and  I  won't  have  you  looking  at  my 
back-hair  as  if  it  was  anything  to  be  ashamed  of  because  ■ 


166  CREDIT  JUDiEUS  APELLA  ! 

it  isn't  fixed  ex-act-ly  like  the  latest  style  in  New  York. 
Oh! "  said  Matilda,  with  energy,  ''I  should  like  to  scratch 
your  eyes  out!" 

''Matilda !  Matilda ! "  said  Captain  Munchausen,  gloomily. 

"Never  mind,  Sarah,"  saysVilliam,  afiably,  "my  fren' 
and  I  understand  the  fair  seek.  Ah!"  says  Villiam,  in 
soft  ecstasy,  "how  like  a  bounding  fawn  would  that  lovely 
face  appear  in  a  new  style  of  spring  bonnet  which  mine  eyes 
beheld  of  late  in  Washington  !  It  was,"  *  says  Villiam, 
di'eamily,  "a  teaspoonful  of  lace,  seasoned  with  fine  gold- 
dust,   and   garnished  with  raw  tummattusses   and  green 


It  was  a  shame  that  the  Provisional  Governor  inter- 
rupted him  just  then;  for  her  beautiful  head  was  thrown 
eagerly  forward,  her  eyes  were  all  alight  with  the  radiance 
of  excitement,  and  her  just-parted  lips,  like  a  cleft-rose, 
seemed  to  exhale  the  fracrrance  of  sweet  thouo^hts. 

"The  South,  visionary  satrap,"  — said  the  Provisional 
Governor,  taking  off  his  spectacles  to  cool  them  in  conse- 
quence of  his  eyes  having  flashed  with  indignation,  —  "the 
South,  visionary  satrap,  refuses  to  buy  the  luxuries  of  the 
North,  having  learned  that  six  months'  credit  is  to  be  re- 
fused with  contumely.     Now,  let  us  to  crockay." 

We  all  followed  his  lead  out  doors  to  the  croquet  ground, 
our  host  having  enthusiastically  adopted  the  game,  upon 
information  that  it  was  fashionable  in  Europe,  from  a  cousin 
who  sold  lozenges  on  the  Continent.  Gaining  the  spot, 
and  looking  down  upon  the   half-hoops  sticking  into  the 


SMOKED   GLASS.  167 

ground,  I  was  about  to  speak,  when  Villiam  suddenly  gave 
a  start,  and  I  saw  Matilda  flitting  hastily  from  his  side. 

''Ah!"  says  Yilliam. 

"How  now,  my  Napoleon?"  asked  I. 

"My  fren',"  says  Villiam,  in  a  whisper,  "that  sweet 
being  pinched  me." 

"What  for?"  said  I. 

"Hum!"  says  Villiam,  rubbing  his  arm,  "methinksshe 
loves  me;  and  she's  winkin'  at  me  now." 

Alag!  for  the  quick  susceptibility  of  woman's  heart! 
Matilda  was  indeed  winking  and  motioning  in  an  extraordi- 
nary manner  just  at  that  instant,  and  seemed  anxious  to 
remind  the  man  of  her  choice  that  the  terrible  fact  of  their 
long  and  secret  attachment  must  on  no  account  be  divulged 
to  her  brothers.  Thus  it  is  that  young  Love,  when  first 
an  occupant  of  woman's  nature — bold,  yet  timid — is  ever 
making  an  arrow  escape ! 

The  mallets  with  which  the  game  of  croquet  is  played 
not  having  arrived  from  Europe,  we  were  supplied  instead 
with  shovels,  marked  "U.  S. ;"  and  as  the  requisite  balls 
were  not  found  in  the  barrels  from  whence  the  half-hoops 
were  ingeniously  extracted,  we  used  apples  in  their  places. 

With  much  chivalry  of  manner  did  the  dignified  Mun- 
chausen advance  with  his  shovel  and  strike  an  apple  through 
half  the  hoops,  closely  followed  by  Matilda  Munchausen, 
who  beckoned  Villiam  to  follow  her  and  struck  her  apple 
with  still  better  efiect.  Villiam,  with  a  heavenly  smile 
upon  his  countenance,  attended  to  his  fruit  with  equal  skill. 


168  MEET  TO  PARTNER  MORE. 

and  the  Provisional  Governor  and  I  came  after  in  a  state 
of  feverish  excitement.  Wildly  raged  the  manly  sport, 
and  all  the  apples  were  close  together  near  the  last  w  icket, 
when  there  suddenly  appeared  upon  the  scene  a  ravenous 
pig,  of  severe  visage,  who  incontinently  devoured  them  in 
a  twinkling  of  the  eye. 

"By  chivalry!"  exclaimed  Captain  Munchausen,  "he's 
eaten  up  all  the  crockay." 

"Well,  I  declare!"  said  Matilda  Munchausen,  "to  have 
all  spoiled  by  a  pig !  " 

"Ah!"  says  Yilliam,  softly,  "be  not  offended  with  the 
accident,  sweet  warbler.  Is  not  a  pig,"  says  Villiam, 
tenderly,  "like  a  bride,  when  he  plights  his  troth?" 

The  noble  girl  seemed  not  to  hear  this  beautiful  idea; 
for  she  looked  quickly  around  to  be  sure  that  her  brothers 
were  not  looking,  and  then,  grasping  his  nearest  hand,  she 
murmured,  earnestly,  — 

"You  will  not  disappoint  me?" 

"Never!"  says  Yilliam,  with  dreadful  intensity. 

She  put  her  face  nearer  to  his,  and  hissed,  — 

"Couldn't  you  put  it  in  a  letter?" 

"Ah!"  says  Villiam,  beginning  to  dance  ecstatically, 
"let  me  put  it  upon  that  lovely  brow." 

"You  are  kyind,  very  kyind,  sir,"  whispered  the  maiden, 
hurriedly,  "  but  it  would  not  be  right  to  accept  such  a  thing 
from  a  stranger." 

"Hum!  "  says  Villiam,  musingly,  "wilt  meet  me  this 
evening  by  moonlight  alone  in  the  back  kitchen?  " 


SMOKED    GLASS.  1G9 

"  Will  you  tell  me  all,  then  ?  "  she  asked,  eagerly. 

Villiam  nodded  after   the  manner   of  an   mcorrigiblc 
Byron. 

"Then  I  will  be  there,"   said  Matilda;    and  flew   to 
regain  her  brothers  who  were  already  walking  on. 

From  that  moment,  until  nightfall,  Captain  Villiam 
Brown  spake  never  a  word;  but  I  saw  that  he  was 
steadily  growing  more  depressed,  and  once  or  twice  I 
caught  him  contemplating,  with  suppressed  sighs,  a  photo- 
graph of  his  mother.  Oh,  how  beautiful  is  that  attribute 
of  our  common  nature  which,  at  any  age,  makes  our 
thoughts  revert  to  "  Mother"  at  the  approach  of  a  great 
danger  !  Even  the  old  man,  on  the  verge  of  bankruptcy, 
has  been  heard  to  refer  respectfully  to  his  mother  as  one 
who  always  cheerfully  predicted  that  he  would  yet  come 
to  want,  because,  as  a  boy,  he  had  refused  to  eat  crust  -f 
and  the  young  man,  whether  in  a  storm  at  sea,  or 
threatened  with  marriage,  equally  regrets  having  left  that 
mother's  side. 

As  the  stars  commenced  to  appear,  I  walked  out  with 
Yilliam,  and  endeavored  to  calm  his  natural  fears.  I 
told  him,  that  if  he  felt  really  unable  to  purchase  one  new 
bonnet,  three  pairs  of  balmorals,  six  lace  handkerchiefs 
and  four  pairs  of  gloves  per  month,  it  was  his  duty  to 
avoid  making  any  proposals ;  but  that  he  must  seize  her 
arm  the  moment  she  drew  a  pistol,  and  trust  me  to  come  to 
his  assistance  with  two  muskets  from  behind  the  mangle. 
''My  fren',"  says  Villiam,  with  deep  emotion,  ''would 
15 


170  A   BENDED    BEAU. 

jou  have  me  rooflesslj  destroy  all  that  young  being's 
vision  of  going  to  the  milliner's  and  pricing  expensive  silks 
all  the  Tvay  down  Broadway?  No!"  says  Villiam, 
sternly,  ''I  will  not  blight  her  young  life  thus,  even  with 
silk  fit  its  present  exciting  prices." 

Not  having  it  in  my  heart  to  protest  further  against  the 
sweet  romance  of  two  fond  hearts,  I  silently  armed  myself 
with  two  muskets  from  the  Mackerel  camp  on  the  lawn, 
and  hastened  in  advance  to  conceal  myself  behind  the  man- 
gle in  the  back  kitchen. 

Soon  Matilda  Munchausen  entered  by  one  door,  with  a 
lighted  candle  in  her  hand,  and  Villiam  came.  throu«jh 
another  with  feeble  steps.  * 

'•  Sir,"  said  Matilda  Munchausen,  ''our  seneschal,  who 
is  just  outside  the  door  in  the  hall,  must  not  be  kept  wait- 
ing too  long  before  locking  up  the  chateau  for  the  night ; 
and  so  you  will  please  be  brief;  but,  at  the  same  time,  I 
must  know  all,  and  I  will  see  if  I  have  enough  money." 

''Money  !  "  says  Villiam,  going  down  upon  his  knees; 
"don't  think  money  will  buy  what  I  could  give  thee 
freely  !  " 

"  I  am  sorry,  sir,  to  find  you  so  intoxicated  that  you 
cannot  stand  on  your  feet,"  returned  the  maiden;  "and 
perhapsyou  can  tell  me  better  at  another  time." 

"  Madam,"  says  Villiam,  rising  with  dignity  to  his  feet 
again,  "  I  had  reason  to  suppose  that  you  were  interested 
in  some  remarks  I  made  to-day." 

"Yes,  yes,  I  was,"  said  Matilda. 


A  love  of  a   bonnet. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  ITI 

''You  asked  me  to  tell  you  in  a  letter,  and  now  meet 
me  here  on  condition  of  my  telling  you  all  ?  " 

"  Yes,  yes  !  "  ejaculated  the  now  agitated  Matilda  Mun- 
chausen, "  and  now  tell  me,  how  was  it  trimmed  ?  " 

''  Ah  !  "  says  Villiam,  "  how  was  who  trimmed  ?  " 

Miss  Munchausen  ate  a  peppermint  drop  as  she  sat  on 
the  refrigerator,  and  says  she,  — 

''  Why,  the  bonnet  of  course,  ^hat  bonnet  you  com- 
menced telling  about  this  morning." 

Villiam  slapped  his  left  leg  with  tremendous  vehemence, 
and  says  he,  — 

''  Come  out  with  the  muskets,  my  fren',  and  behold  the 
wreck  of  what  was  once  a  man." 

As  I  appeared  from  behind  the  mangle,  Matilda  fled 
from  the  kitche'n  with  precipitation,  and  the  seneschal  and 
I  stood  alone  with  him. 

"  Well,  my  Marshal  Ney,"  said  I,  pleasantly,  ''how 
was  it  trimmed?  " 

"  With  '  Illusion^''  my  fren',"  says  Villiam,  sadly ; 
"with  'Illusion.''' 

Better  was  it  thus  for  him,  my  boy,  than  if  he  had 
really  fallen  a  matrimonial  victim  to  that  strong-minded 
sex  whose  occasional  manner  of  resenting  breaches  of  prom- 
ise seems  to  indicate,  that  said  promise,  as  they  compre- 
hend it,  by  anticipation,  is  promise  of  breeches. 
Yours,  indignantly, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 


LETTER  XIV. 

CHRONICLING  THE  ARRIVAL  OF  P.  PENBUTHER3  AS  SUITOR  J  THE  AN- 
CIENT FEUDAL  CEREMONIES  thereat;  AND  THE  DREADFUL  DEMEANOR 
OF  THE  NOBILITY  AT  THE  ENSUING  BANQUET. 

Chipmuitk    Court  IIousk,  May  23,  1868. 

To  the  man  of  limited  salary  and  a  religious  turn  of 
mindj  nothing  is  more  revolting  than  the  presumptuous 
pride  and  four-horse  turnout  of  a  wealthy  person.  The  man 
of  limited  salary  and  a  religious  turn  of  mind,  who  takes 
his  cheap  but  happy  ride  to  Central  Park  in  a  horse-car, 
pauses  for  a  moment  at  the  Fifth- A  venue  entrance  of  that 
park  to  scratch  himself;  and,  as  the  sinful  vehicles  of  the 
rich  roll  by  him,  he  softly  murmurs,  "  Give  me  my  horse- 
car  and  a  clear  conscience,  rather  than  a  basket-phaeton 
and  a  soul  guilty  of  wealth.  My  horse-car  may  not  be 
inclosed  with  plate-glass,"  says  he,  cheerily,  wiping  the 
dust  out  of  his  ears;  ^'it  may  not  be  devoted  to  myself 
alone,"  says  he,  scraping  the  mud  from  his  knees  where 
an  Irish-woman's  baby  had  stood  ^pon  them  during  the 
trip ;  ''  but  it  brings  one  here  as  safely  as  though  it  were  a 
chariot.  Roll  on,  then,  ye  hapless  children  of  mammon, 
in  your  shining  carriages.  I  ask  none  of  your  gold  to 
make  me  the  more  virtuous  as  a  man.  or  the  more  justly 
celebrated  as  an  umbrella-maker." 

172 


SMOKED    GLASS.  173 

And  what,  after  all,  is  this  wealth,  that  its  possession 
should  bring  pride,  its  loss  despair  ?  Its  sudden  with- 
drawal in  consequence  of  a  Vandal  war  of  emancipation 
may,  indeed,  oblige  men  of  imperious  natures  to  go  around 
in  straw  hats  made  of  the  bottoms  of  baskets,  and  collars 
composed  of  wall-paper ;  it  may  compel  them  to  dine  and 
attend  church  in  dressing-gowns  made  of  old  window-cur- 
tains ;  but  it  cannot  crush  the  indomitable  souls  long  ac- 
customed to  implicit  obedience  from  persons  of  African 
descent;  nor  humiliate  the  chivalric  minds  to  which 
everything  from  the  North,  save  six  months'  credit,  has 
always  been  inexpressibly  disgusting. 

Imagine  yourself  here  beside  me,  my  boy,  at  Chip- 
munk Court  House,  gazing  at  the  patrimonial  chateau  of 
the  Munchausens,  with  four  mortgages  upon  it,  and  a 
Dutch-oven  sticking  out  of  the  side.  Has  it  any  less 
dignity  to  the  sight  as  the  castle  of  an  ancient  and 
knightly  race,  merely  because  a  temporary  misunder- 
standing with  the  Rothschilds  impels  its  owner  to  wear 
a  woollen  stocking  for  a  smoking-cap,  and  a  pair  of  his  de- 
ceased wife's  hose  for  gloves  ?  Does  it  loom  less  princely 
upon  the  vision  as  a  stately  Southern  home,  merely  be- 
cause a  few  of  the  shingles  have  fallen  from  the  ram- 
parts, and  one  of  the  towers  closely  resembles  a  chimney 
with  all  the  top  bricks  blown  off?  You  dare  not  answer 
in  the  affirmative.  You  dare  not  believe  that  a  tempo- 
rary misunderstanding  with  the  Eothschilds  is  any  dero- 

15* 


174  A   BAGGAGE   CHECK. 

gation  from  the  native  dignitj  of  men  who  are  strangers 
to  fear  and  a  fear  to  strangers. 

On  Tuesday  morning,  while  Captain  Villiam  Brown 
was  shaving  himself,  in  his  own  room,  with  the  bit  of 
window-glass  which  our  host  had  lent  him  for  the  pur- 
pose, and  I  was  seated  in  my  own  chamber,  upon  an  old 
wagon-seat,  which  served  as  a  sofa,  there  entered  unto 
me  Lojola  Munchausen  ;  who,  with  his  usual  haughty 
air,  threw  himself  upon  the  inverted  butter-tub  which 
represented  a  chair  in  the  suite  of  Southern  cottage 
furniture. 

"  I  greet  jour  Highness,"  said  I,  rising,  and  pretend- 
ing a  delicate  blindness  to  the  fact  that  the  pocket-hand- 
kerchief fluttering  in  his  right  hand  had  undoubtedly  been 
manufactured  from  a  discarded  night-cap.  "  I  greet  your 
Highness.  To  what  am  I  indebted  for  your  worshipful 
company  this  morning  ?  " 

"Sir,"  said  he,  loftily,  "I  can  no  longer  refrain  from 
noticing  that  you  have  brought  a  carpet-bag  with  you  to 
the  South."  * 

''  I  cannot  deny  it,"  said  I,  coloring  with  shame. 

"  Then,  sir,"  added  the  imperious  Southerner,  lean- 
ing heavily  upon  the  reversed  barrel  which  served  as  the 
toilet-table  of  the  cottage  suite,  "  let  me  warn  you 
against  making  that  carpet-bag  too  conspicuous  while 
you  remain  in  the  chateau  of  my  knightly  brother,  Cap- 

*  "  Carpet-baggers"  is  one  of  the  affectionate  titles  given  to  Xortliern  visitors 
by  Southern  sarcastic  journals. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  175 

tain  Munchausen.  The  sunny  South,"  says  he  hotly, 
^'  has  used  no  carpet-bags  herself  since  the  late  Vandal 
war,  and  the  sight  of  one  in  the  hands  of  a  Northern 
Hessian  is  an  insult  to  her  during  the  present  coolness 
between  herself  and  the  Rothschilds." 

''Oh,"  said  I,  calmly,  "  I  understand  you  noAV.  The 
sight  of  a  mudsill  carpet-bagger  from  the  Yankee  North 
is  an  aggravation  to  the  sunny  South,  because  she  her- 
self has  at  present  nothing  whatever  to  put  into  a  car- 
pet-bag!" 

"  Sir,"  said  Loyola  Munchausen,  rising  to  his  feet 
again  that  I  might  not  too  closely  observe  the  pair  of 
india-rubbers  which  he  wore  as  slippers,  ' '  you  are  right. 
Your  military  Vandals  may  have  —  ha !  ha !  —  conquered 
the  sunny  South  for  a  time,  and  rendered  it  tempora- 
rily dijfficult  for  her  to  pay  the  interest  upon  all  her  mort- 
gages ;  but  she  is  still  too  proud  to  bear  the  insolence  of 
carpet-baggers  in  silence." 

Pausing  for  suitable  words  whereby  to  confess  my 
own  iniquity  in  possessing  any  baggage,  and  my  deep 
sympathy  with  one  of  the  most  sensitive  peoples  that  ever 
had,  a  trifling  difference  with  the  Rothschilds,  I  was  ab- 
ruptly startled  by  a  tremendous  clangor  which  seemed  to 
come  from  some  point  over  our  heads. 

"  Dear  me  !  "  says  I,  agitatedly,  "  is  somebody  clean- 
ing a  brass  kettle  on  the  roof ;  or  has  the  cat  got  a  fit 
amongst  the  milk-pans?" 

"  No,  poor  Vandal,"  says  Loyola  Munchausen,  moving 


176  HORRID  A    BELLA  I 

haughtily  to  the  nearest  window,  and  swiftly  pulling 
aside  the  split  coffee-bag  which  represented  its  damask 
curtains;  "  that  is  the  great  bell  of  the  chateau;  and  it 
is  ringing  in  honor  of  the  arival  of  Pendragon  Penruthers, 
Esquire,  of  Taikachor  Court  House,  who  comes  in  state 
to  sue  for  the  hand  of  our  fair  sister,  Matilda  ]\Iunchau- 
sen." 

The  original  great  bell  of  the  Munchausen  chateau,  after 
having  called  the  family  to  dinner  for  ages,  had  been  freely 
melted  into  cannon  during  the  recent  Vandal  carnage ;  but 
its  place  was  now  amply  supplied  by  a  large  tin  dish-pan, 
in  which  swung  a  pewter  spoon  on  a  wire;  and,  as  it  gave 
forth  its  peal  of  welcome,  and  I  thrust  my  head  through 
the  window  to  behold  the  pageant,  Captain  Villiam  Brown's 
intellectual  countenance  also  appeared  from  a  neighboring 
casement. 

''  My  fren',''  says  Villiam,  perceptibly  trembling,  "  has 
a  junk-shop  exploded  anywhere?  What  is  this  horrible 
noise  which  mine  ears  behold?  " 

I  told  him,  in  hurried  accents,  that  the  great  bell  was 
ringing  in  honor  of  the  Chevalier  P.  Penruthers,  who  came 
from  his  own  baronial  halls  at  Taikachor  Court  House  to 
demand  the  hand  of  Lady  Matilda  ^lunchausen  in  marriage ; 
and  when  I  noticed  what  a  keen  expression  of  pain  usurped 
those  particular  portions  of  his  countenance  where  he  had 
cut  himself  while  shaving  with  the  Munchausen  family 
razor,  I  remembered  that  he  himself  had  once  cast  fond 
eyes  upon  the  heiress.     Deeply  affected  by  the  thought. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  177 

I  turned  my  bit  of  Smoked  Glass  to  the  road  below,  and 
there  beheld  a  stately  sight. 

Mounted  upon  a  spirited  snuif-colored  barb,  whose  knee- 
joints  had  been  finely  developed  by  the  equestrian  sports 
of  the  canal  tow-path,  was  Pendragon  Penruthers,  Esquire. 
Attired  in  white  kid  gloves,  a  green  bombazine  overcoat, 
red  flannel  inexpressibles,  and  a  unique,  tall,  square  paper 
hat,  marked  "  7  lbs.  Best  Java  Coffee,"  he  recalled  to 
mind  all  that  I  have  ever  read  of  chivalrous  knighthood, 
and  suggested  some  of  the  finest  knightly  portraitures  of 
Sir  Walter  Scott.  At  the  grand  gate,  a  few  slats  at  the 
bottom  of  which  had  been  fractured  the  night  before  by  the 
violent  entrance  of  several  pigs  into  the  garden,  stood  that 
mirror  of  chivalry.  Captain  Munchausen,  neatly  wrapped 
in  his  window-curtain. 

P.  Penruthers  wound  a  shrill  blast  upon  the  tin  horn 
which  he  carried  as  a  bugle,  and  I  regret  to  say  that  my 
friend,  Yilliam,  entirely  misconstrued  the  knightly  sum- 
mons. 

''  Ah  !  "  says  Villiam,  ''  that  means  fresh  fish.  Got 
any  porgies  ?  "  cries  Villiam,  in  a  pleasing  voice. 

"  Hush  !  "  says  I,  greatly  mortified,  that  is  not  a  fish- 
horn.  He  winds  his  bugle  as  a  summons.  Be  silent,  and 
mark  what  follows."  Captain  Munchausen  raised  his  right 
hand  to  the  woollen  stocking  on  his  head,  and  says  he,  — 

"  Methinks,  by  our  lady,  thou  blowest  a  keen  blast.  Sir 
Knight.  Upon  what  high  embassy  comest  thou  to  our 
ancient  chateau  ?  " 


178  A   CLOUDY   KNIGHT. 

Pendragon  Penruthers,  Esquire,  did  not  dare  bow  in 
return,  lest  the  motion  should  overthrow  his  steed,  which 
was  at  that  moment  standing  weakly  "upon  three  legs,  and 
trying  to  scratch  himself  with  the  other ;  but  he  waved  the 
clothes-pole,  which  he  carried  as  a  lance,  and  says  he,  — 

"  I  come,  sire,  to  lay  my  hand  and  heart,  not  to  mention 
mortgages,  at  the  feet  of  the  Lady  Matilda  Munchausen ; 
and  to  offer  knightly  gauge  to  any  losel  knight  who  would 
say  me  nay.  Give  her  to  me,  sii'e,  that  my  home  in  the 
Almshouse  may  be  lonely  no  more." 

' '  Sir  Knight, ' '  responded  Captain  Munchausen,  with 
emotion,  ' '  I  know  you  for  a  member  of  an  old  and  heavily 
mortgaged  race.  Let  us  break  bread  together  before  en- 
tering my  halls.     What,  ho,  seneschal !  " 

Here  the  aged  colored  seneschal  of  the  chateau  made 
his  appearance,  bearing  a  fresh  hoe-cake  on  a  dust-pan, 
and  of  this  the  two  knights  ate  in  token  of  amity.  At 
the  conclusion  of  the  ceremonial.  Captain  Munchausen 
motioned  for  his  noble  guest  to  descend  from  his  fiery 
charger,  and  leave  the  latter  leaning  up  against  the  fence  j 
and  says  he,  — 

"  By  my  halidome,  Sir  Knight,  you  will  find  our  ancient 
grass-plot  occupied  by  a  horde  of  military  Vandals  from 
the  plebeian  North,  who  are  sent  to  reconstruct  us ;  and 
the  chateau  is  also  defiled  by  the  presence  of  two  Yankee 
scorpions,  who  must  also  be  endured  for  a  time." 

Mr.  Penruthers  scowled  fiercely,  and  says  he,  '*'  Do  they 
bring  any  capital  with  them,  su-e?  " 


SMOKED    GLASS.  179 

''  One  of  them,  at  least,  has  a  carpet-bag,"  returned 
Captain  Munchausen,  gloomily. 

P.  Penruthers  laughed  a  low,  blood-curdling  laugh,  and 
he  hissed  through  his  set  teeth,  — 

^'Then  I  may  once  more  know  what  it  is  to  wear  a 
clean  collar.     Let  us  within." 

As  they  passed  in  under  the  massive  doorway,  which 
would  have  been  severely  Gothic  but  for  the  three  or  four 
emaciated  hens  roosting  on  top  of  it,  I  turned  to  Yilliam, 
and  says  I,  — 

"Well,  my  fellow-scorpion,  what  think  you  now  of  the 
manners  and  customs  of  the  superior  race  ?  " 

Yilliam  thoughtfully  brushed  away  an  excited  hen, 
which  was  striving  to  alight  upon  his  head,  under  the 
impression  that  his  hair  was  something  to  eat,  and  says 
he, — 

"  My  fren',  if  Matilda  Munchausen  leads  that  nobleman 
to  the  altar,  she'll  find  him  the  heaviest  mortgage  you 
ever  heard  of"  After  which  malignant  expression  of  dis- 
appointed ajQTection,  Villiam  passionately  withdrew  from 
public  notice,  and  resumed  his  toilet  before  the  bottom 
of  a  tin  pail  which  had  been  placed  in  his  apartment  as  a 
mirror. 

In  about  half  an  hour  thereafter,  the  great  bell  of 
the  chateau,  which  had  been  removed  downstairs,  rang 
hideously  for  dinner;  and  my  friend  and  I  repaired  at 
once  to  the  salle  a  manger,  where  we  were  introduced  as 
Vandals   to   the   knight   from    Taikachor    Court   House. 


180  FARE   HITS. 

Then,  having  taken  seats  on  the  inverted  peach-baskets 
around  the  sumptuous  table,  and  noticed  that  the  missing 
leg  of  the  latter  had  been  replaced  temporarily  by  an  um- 
brella, we  proceeded  to  discuss  all  the  latest  delicacies  of 
the  markets.  Pendragon  Penruthers,  Esq.,  passed  a  tin. 
plate  marked  "  U.  S."  to  Villiam,  and  says  he, — 

''  Sir  Vandal,  permit  me  to  help  thee  to  some  hoecake  ! 
and  would,  by'r  lady,  it  might  poison  thee  !  "  And,  sim- 
ultaneously, he  leaned  across  the  groaning  board,  and  took 
off  my  friend's  clean  collar. 

"Hum!"  says  Villiam,  throwing  at  him  a  cracker 
marked  "  U.  S."  ;  "if  you  do  that  again,  my  fren',  I 
shall  feel  obliged  to  impeach  you  in  the  eye." 

"  Oh  !  "  says  Matilda  Munchausen,  sticking  a  fork  into 
me,  "  how  disgusting  it  is  to  have  Northern  reptiles  at  the 
same  table  with  one  !  " 

At  this  crisis,  Loyola  Munchausen  made  a  pass  at  Vil- 
liam with  the  wash-hand  basin,  which  served  as  a  bread- 
tray,  and  says  he,  — 

"  If  you  can't  conduct  yourseif  properly  at  our  wassail- 
board.  Sir  Vandal,  it  will  be  my  painful  duty,  as  a  Pro- 
visional Governor,  to  fine  you  a  couple  of  dollars." 

"Ah  !  "  says  Villiam,  cracking  him  on  the  head  with 
the  toasting-fork,  "  we  don't  wish  to  alienate  the  Southern 
Union  element ;  but  if  you  try  to  pour  anything  out  of 
that  teapot  upon  me,  my  fren',  I'll  call  in  my  forces." 

Here  a  lamentable  outcry  came  through  the  windows 
from  the  direction  of  the  grass-plot,  and  says  I,  — 


SMOKED    GLASS.  181 

"What  means  this?" 

"It  means,  Sir  Yankee,"  says  Captain  Munchausen, 
"that  I  have  caused  my  seneschal  to  pour  some  scalding 
water  from  the  ramparts  upon  your  Vandals  out  there,  in 
punishment  for  their  having  dared  to  look  at  our  guest  like 
conquerors." 

Merely  pausing  long  enough  to  hurl  at  him  one  of  the 
halves  of  dice-boxes  which  served  us  as  napkin-rings, 
Villiam  flew  from  the  feast  to  look  after  his  scalded 
Mackerels ;  and  I  immediately  followed  him,  with  one  of 
Matilda  Munchausen's  potatoes  plastered  against  the  back 
of  my  head. 

My  friend  was  condoling  with  one  of  our  scorched 
military  Vandals  on  the  lawn,  when  I  reached  him,  and 

says  I,  — 

"  Are  you  going  back  again,  Villiam?  " 
He  shook  his  head  sadly,  and  says  he,— 
"No,  my  fren'.     It's  dangerous  for  Northern  Capital 
to  dine  with  so  many  mortgages.     Let  us  wait  and  take 
our  dinner  with  the  seneschal." 
Yours,  in  waiting. 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 

16 


LETTER   XV. 

CITING  AN  INCIDENT  OF  THE  SOUTHERN  POSTAL  SERVICE  ;  INTERPOLATING 
AN  IMPEACHMENT  NOTJeT  FROM  WASHINGTON,  AND  A  VAGUE  WORDS- 
WORTHIAN  parody;  AND  "CONSERVATIVELY"  TOUCHING  UPON  THE 
PRESIDENTIAL  NOMINATION  OF  THE  LAST  MACKEREL.  GENERAL  BY  A 
CLASSICAL  CONVENTION. 

CHiPiifSK  CouET  House,  May  28,  1868. 

During  the  late  violent  proceedings  of  the  United  States 
of  America  against  the  well  known  Southern  Confederacy, 
our  shameless  military  Vandals  applied  the  torch  of  the 
incendiary  to  all  the  fine  wooden  public  buildings  of  Chip- 
munk Court  House ;  and  I  regret  to  say,  my  boy,  —  I 
mourn  to  observe,  —  that  they  attempted  to  justify  this 
wanton  act,  upon  the  ground  that  a  venerable  female  Con- 
federacy had  indignantly  protruded  her  spectacles  from  a 
second-story  window  while  the  troops  were  passing,  and 
hurled  a  hot  rice-pudding  at  the  principal  brigadier. 
Taking  advantage  of  the  temporary  demoralization  pro- 
duced in  the  ranks  by  this  dreadful  episode,  she  had  also 
opened  a  scathing  fire  of  saucepans  and  flat-irons  upon  the 
general  army,  which  so  excited  the  head  of  the  garrison 
that  he  at  once  scraped  the  pudding  out  of  his  whiskers, 
removed  the  pudding-dish  from  his  head,  and  ordered  a 
speedy  ignition  of  the  Slave  Pen.  the  Whipping-post  and 

182 


SMOKllD    GLASS.  183 

Other  public  edifices.  Owing  to  the  fact  that  the  local 
Fire  Department  was  quite  intoxicated  at  the  time,  and 
was  advised  by  his  physician  to  bandage  his  head  with  a 
wet  towel  before  trying  to  remember  where  he  had  left  his 
watering-pot,  the  flames  spread  fiercely  to  the  post-office, 
and  destroyed  the  latter  before  a  single  lottery-circular 
could  be  got  out.  Consequently,  the  present  post-office 
consists  of  a  former  apple-stand  with  a  green  cotton  um- 
brella spread  over  it;  and  thither  I  repaired  from  the 
chateau  of  the  Munchausens,  at  an  early  hour  this  morn- 
ing, to  ask  for  my  mail. 

Donning  the  bottoms  of  two  cologne-water  bottles  con- 
nected by  a  wire,  which  served  him  as  spectacles,  the  aged 
postmaster  searched  the  blue  worsted  stocking,  which  he 
used  as  a  mail-bag,  and  says  he,  — 

''Tears  to  me  I  did  have  a  letter  to  your  address  ;  but 
I  don't  seem  to  remember  where  it  is.  I  haven't  shaved 
lately,"  says  he,  meditatively,  —  "I  haven't  shaved  lately; 
so  I  couldn't  have  used  it  in  that  way ;  and  w^e  haven't  lit 
a  fire  recently;  §o  it  can't  have  been  burnt.  0 — h — h," 
says  he,  suddenly  brightening  up,  ''I  remember  now.  I 
let  my  wife  have  it  last  night,  to  take  off  the  stove-lids 
with ;  just  wait  a  minute,  until  I  step  to  the  house  and  look 
in  the  coal-scuttle." 

Requesting  me  to  mind  the  worsted  stocking  while  he 
was  gone,  and  see  that  no  one  rifled  the  mail,  the  venerable 
postal  official  placed  upon  his  head  the  scooped  rind  of  a 
watermelon,  serving  as  his  hat,  and  retired  to  the  large 


184  THE   CURL   OF   DISDAIN. 

sugar-hogshead  which  he  used  as  a  family  villa.  Pres- 
ently, emerging  from  thence,  with  a  gratified  smile  upon 
his  countenance,  he  briskly  handed  me  what  I  at  first 
took  for  a  crumpled  piece  of  leather,  but  quickly  found  to 
be  an  envolope,  scorched  almost  to  a  cinder. 

''Upon  my  word,"  says  I,  dispiritedly,  "  this  is  a  nice- 
looking  letter  to  get  from  a  friend.  It  may  not  have  been 
inspired  by  '  thoughts  that  breathe ; '  but  it  looks  as  though 
it  certainly  contained  'words  that  burn.'" 

The  postmaster  came  flying  out  at  me  with  a  billet  of 
firewood  in  his  hand,  and,  says  he,  —  "See  here,  young 
man,  if  you're  going  to  talk  sarcastically  about  the  postal 
branch  of  the  government,  I  shall  have  to  chastise  you 
for  disloyalty.  I've  tried  to  make  this  matter  pleasant 
to  you,"  says  he,  parentally.  "  I've  tried  to  get  along 
with  you  without  using  passionate  language;  but  you  don't 
seem  to  know  what  gratitude  means.  White  paper  is  very 
dear  just  now  at  the  South,"  says  he,  explainingly;  "and 
every  day,  when  our  oldest  families  around  here  want 
something  to  wrap  a  pound  of  butter  in,  or  to  put  in  the 
bottom  of  a  cake-pan,  or  to  paste  over  a  broken  window, 
they  send  to  me,  and  I  let  them  have  the  letters  directed 
here  to  men  from  the  Vandal  North.  Only  yesterday," 
says  he,  with  an  injured  look,  "one  of  our  first  ladies 
came  to  me  for  some  waste-paper  to  do  up  her  curls  with, 
and,  instead  of  handing  her  your  letter,  I  gave  her  a  de- 
spatch directed  to  a  military  Yankee  scorpion  named  Villiam 
Brown,  Eskevire." 


6M0KED    GLASS.  185 

''What!"  sajs  I,  hotlj.  ''Do  you  dare  to  violate  pri- 
vate correspondence  in  this  free  country?" 

He  smiled  a  horrible  smile,  and  says  he,  — 

"Your  own  Congress,  young  man,  has  just  decided  that 
an  official  of  the  United  States  of  America  has  a  right  to 
do  as  he  pleases  with  all  private  correspondence  whatso- 
ever; and  I  shall  look  into  the  next  letter  that  comes  here 
for  you,  to  see  what  you  do  with  all  your  money.  And 
now,"  says  he,  passionately,  making  a  pass  at  me  with  the 
billet  of  firewood,  "if  you  don't  go  away,  and  stop  disturb- 
ing the  business  of  this  office,  I'll  commit  you  for  contempt 
of  court." 

I  remembered,  then,  that  our  able  and  investigating 
Congress  had,  indeed,  asserted  the  right  to  examine  every- 
body's private  telegraphic  despatches,  for  the  purpose  of 
obtaining  accurate  information  as  to  the  family-matters  of 
those  members  of  their  theatrical  company  who,  at  the  last 
moment,  had  seceded  from  Impeachment  upon  the  plea 
that  it  was  an  immoral  drama.  I  realized  how  umpleasant 
it  must  be  for  some  private  gentlemen  who  had  telegraphed 
a  profane  response  to  his  mother-in-law's  seventy-fifth  un- 
prepaid  lightning  request  that  he  would  be  sure  and  be 
careful  about  her  daughter's  cold,  to  have  his  despatch 
publicly  discussed  in  legislative  halls  as  having  some 
probable  occult  bearing  upon  Impeachment ;  and  I  wished 
that  Congress  Ilachi't!  "* 

*Mr.  Butler's  Congressional  Committee  for  the  investigation  of  supposed 
Senatorial  corruption  in  the  matter  of  Impeachment,  had  claimed  the  right  to 
seize  and  xise  any  private  telegrams  supposably  bearing  thereon. 
IG* 


186  WEED  don't  like  it. 

Thoughtfullj  rubbing  mj  bead  in  tbe  place  'TNbere  I 
Lad  been  struck  by  the  billet  of  firewood,  I  retreated 
Tvitb  great  humility  to  mj  apartment  in  the  chateau,  and 
there  succeeded  in  extricating  my  scorched  missive  from  the 
ashes  of  its  envelope.  It  was  from  the  Conservative  Ken- 
tucky Chap,  at  the  Caj^ital,  and  read  thus:  ''Kentucky 
has  enjoyed  herself  very  much  to-day,  and  will  be  grossly 
inebriated  this  evening.  The  great  Transformation  Scene, 
with  which  the  drama  concludes,  failed,  finally,  to  work. 
Don't  write  or  telegraph  to  any  of  your  female  acquaint- 
ances for  a  week;  or  all  your  letters  and  telegrams  will 
be  read  aloud  in  Congress,  and  published  in  every  one  of 
the  excellent  morning  journals,  as  having  aided  to  corrupt 
Fessenden  and  Grimes.  Don't  send  any  money  to  your 
mother-in-law  by  mail  for  a  week,  or  it  will  be  taken  out 
to  pay  for  Impeachment.  Weed  the  nobs  and  bone  the 
swag." 

"When  a  country  has  become  so  demoralized,  my  boy, 
that  a  chap  of  good  family  and  elegant  language,  like  my- 
self, can  be  familiarly  addressed  in  that  way,  just  as  though 
he  were  a  President  and  entitled  to  no  respect,  it  is  high 
time  for  some  sort  of  change.  Not  wishing  to  conceal 
anything  from  those  members  of  Congress  who  have  a  right 
to  know  all  about  the  letters  we  receive,  I  may  as  well 
observe  that  "Weed  the  nobs  and  bone  the  swag"  means, 
literally,  ''Equivocate,  like  any  commercial  advertiser, 
with  the  nabobs  around  you,  and  get  them  to  bet  with 
you."     Such  counsel  I  treat  with  contempt ;  and,  as  I  am 


SMOKED   GLASS.  187 

a  happy  and  unmarried  man,  I  have,  of  course,  no  mother- 
in-law  to  support.  As  for  my  letters  to  female  acquaint- 
ances, I  never  penned  one  that  I  would  not  be  perfectly 
willing  to  have  incorporated  with  the  Congressional  Im- 
peachment Report;  and  such  ladies  as  have  recently 
written  to  me  for  subscriptions  to  the  "  Old  Women's 
Home,"  or  "Lady's  Club,"  are  cheerfully  referred  to  that 
Report  for  rescripts  of  such  rej^lies  as  they  may  otherwise 
fail  to  receive. 

So,  after  two  postponements  and  three  trials,  the  Great 
Transformation  Scene  has  finally  failed  to  work  !  Seven 
machinists,  at  the  very  last  moment,  become  convinced 
that  the  drama  is  immoral,  and  refuse  to  co-operate  !  Just 
before  the  first  postponement  I  saw  one  of  them, 

. a  simple  soul, 


That  lightly  draws  its  pay, 
And  mileage  earns  with  every  limb, 
What  should  it  vote  but  "  Nay  "  ? 

I  met  a  little  Senate-man ; 

He  would  not  be  sold,  he  said  ; 
The  air  was  thick  with  many  a  curse 

That  clustered  round  his  head. 

He  had  a  Western,  prairie  air. 

And  he  was  wildly  clad  ; 
His  wink  relieved  my  stony  stare  ;  — 

It  really  made  mo  glad. 

"  Votes  for  aquittal,  Senate-man, 
How  many  may  you  bo  ?  "  — 

"  How  many  ?  Seven  in  all,"  he  said, 
And  wondering  looked  at  mo. 


188  SCRUPLES   AND    DRAMS. 

"  And  where  are  they  ?     I  pray  you  tell." 
He  answered,  "  Seven  are  we  ; 

And  some  of  us  to  Westward  dwell, 
And  one  in  Tennessee. 

"  Two  of  us  farther  Eastward  lie, 
In  politics  twin-brothers  ; 

And  for  a  mess  of  pottage,  I 

Would  vote  with  them  and  others." 

"  You  say  that  some  to  Westward  dwell, 

And  one  in  Tennessee, 
Yet  ye  are  seven  ?  —  I  pray  you  tell, 

Good  man,  how  this  may  be." 

Then  did  the  Senate-man  reply, 
"Seven  clearing  votes  are  we; 

Two  of  us  from  the  East  and  West, 
And  one  from  Tennessee." 

"  You  turn  about,  my  Senate-man, 
Your  words  my  reason  rive ; 

If  two  are  from  the  loyal  States, 
Then  ye  are  only  five." 

**  Their  votes  are  green,  as  will  be  seen," 

The  Senate-man  replied, 
**  The  board  of  Chase  is  their  dining-plaoe. 

And  they  are  side  by  side. 

"  My  eyebrows  there  I  often  knit. 
My  scruples  there  I  '  Hem'. ' 

And  there  upon  a  chair  I  sit,  — 
I  sit  and  talk  to  them. 

"And  often  after  sunset,  sir. 
When  it  is  light  and  fair, 

I  take  my  little  conscience,  too, 
And  have  it  settled  there. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  189 

"  The  first  that  caved  was  Fessenden, 

Who  raised  a  moaning  lay, 
Till  he  released  him  of  his  pain 

By  speaking  half  a  day. 

*'  So  for  Acquittal  it  was  said 

Ilis  vote  was  high  and  dry, 
Together  round  that  vote  we  played, 

My  brother  Grimes  and  I. 

**  And  when  the  ground  was  safe,  you  know, 

And  we  could  backward  slide, 
Fowler  and  I  felt  forced  to  go, 

And  there  Lie  by  his  side." 

**  How  many  are  you,  then,"  said  I, 

"  If  two  should  fail  you,  even?  " 
The  Senate-man  did  yet  reply, 

"  0  Mister  !  we  are  seven." 

**  But  they  have  said,  those  two  have  said, 

Their  votes  would  not  bo  given  ?  " 
'Twas  throwing  words  aFway :  for  still 

The  Senate-man  would  have  his  will. 
And  said,  "  Nay,  we  are  seven  !  "  * 

Wordsworth  ?  Alas  !  what  are  words  worth  to  express 
one's  anguish  at  the  failure  of  that  Great  Transformation 
Scene  ?  Where  is  the  Ben  Wade  who  was  to  have  appeared 
transfigured  in  that  scene,  —  elevated  to  the  head  of  a 

*  The  "  seven  "  Republican  senators  voting  "  Not  Guilty  "  were :  Fessenden,  of 
Maine ;  Fowler,  of  Tennessee ;  Grimes,  of  Iowa ;  Henderson,  of  Missouri ;  Ross, 
of  Kansas ;  Trumbull,  of  Illinois ;  and  Van  Winkle,  of  Western  Virginia.  Tublio 
scandal  absurdly  accused  Chief  Justice  Chase  of  swaying  two  or  three  votes, 
during  the  trial,  by  the  fascinations  of  his  dinner-table;  and  up  to  the  last  mo- 
ment, Ross  and  two  others  were  regarded  as  pledged  to  Impeachment.  —  Ed. 


190  BASQUERADE. 

redeemed  nation,  rising  like  a  John  Phoenix  from  his  ashes  ! 
Were  I  a  Whittier  person,  I  should  remark  of  the  Presi- 
dency :  —  Of  all  the  sad  words  of  tongue,  or  pen,  the  sad- 
dest are  these  —  It  might  have  Ben.  But,  as  it  is,  I  can 
but  sing :  Wade  down  upon  the  Swanee  river,  far,  far 
away. 

Believing  that  the  above  remarks  are  sufficiently  in  the 
school  of  that  ecstatic  morning  journal,  the  New  York 
''Times,"  to  render  it  utterly  impossible  for  the  most  acute 
intellect  to  infer  from  them  anything  detrimental  to  my 
future  political  interests,  no  matter  which  side  may  finally 
win,  I  hasten  back  to  the  commencement  of  the  present 
week  and  the  fine  old  Southern  family  of  Munchausen. 

At  the  breakfast-table,  on  Tuesday  morning,  Captain 
Munchausen  paused  a  moment  over  his  hoe-cake,  and 
says  he,  — 

"In  honor  of  our  guest,  the  suitor  for  our  sister's  hand, 
the  Chevalier  Pendragon  Penruthers,  I  propose  that  eft- 
soons  we  proceed  in  knightly  pageant  to  that  haunt  of 
losel  Yankees,  where  a  convention  of  black-and-tan  eman- 
cipated terriers  will  this  day  nominate  a  military  Vandal 
for  next  President  of  our  —  ha  !  ha  !  —  common  country." 

Penruthers  was  looking  quite  gallantly  in  a  black  silk 
basque,  lent  him  by  his  affianced,  a  pair  of  red  flannel 
inexpressibles,  and  a  pair  of  white  kid  gloves;  and  says 
he,  — 

"  Now,  by  my  halidome,  I  would  not  miss  the  sight,  an' 


SMOKED   GLASS.  191 

it  were  even  more  base-born.  Pass  me  the  hoe-cake,  thou 
Yankee  varlet." 

''Grammercj,"  says  Captain  Yilliam  Brown,  after  the 
manner  of  an  ancient  nobleman ;  ' '  an'  thou  speak  to  me 
again  in  that  way,  my  fren',  I'll  crack  thy  costard." 

"Pax  vobiscum,  gentle  sirs,"  quoth  Loyola  Munchau- 
sen.    "  Let  us  not  quarrel  with  these  Northern  churls." 

Matilda  Munchausen  tossed  her  head  so  that  two  hair- 
pins fell  into  my  tin  plate,  and  says  she, — 

''Oh,  that  some  knight  would  do  a  feat  of  derring-do 
upon  these  losel  wights,  ere  they  should  sit  at  wassail 
board  with  us  at  all ! " 

''Matilda!  Matilda !"  expostulated  Captain  Munchau- 
sen, gloomily,  "  eat  your  hoe-cake  in  silence.  It  ill  becomes 
our  superior  race  to  make  our  sufferings  audible  to  churl- 
ish ears." 

Thus  in  knightly  conversation  passed  the  meal,  at  the 
conclusion  of  which  the  snuff-colored  Hambletonian  of  P. 
Penruthers,  Esquire,  was  hitched  with  trunk  straps  to  the 
family  carriage,  marked  "U.  S.  Ambulance;"  and  we  all 
rode  merrily  to  the  building  in  which  the  Convention  was 
being  held.  Owing  to  the  high  price  of  brown  stone  and 
white  marble,  just  now,  in  the  sunny  South,  this  imposing 
edifice  had  been  rapidly  constructed  of  fence-rails  and  con- 
demned horse  blankets.  Its  order  of  architecture  was  what 
might  be  technically  termed  the  no-Capital  Corinthian; 
and  over  the  entrance  waved  a  national  flag  which  gave 
evidence  of  having  been  economically  fabricated  from  a 


192  MISSISSIPPIO   AFRICANUS. 

torn  sheet,  a  red  flannel  shirt,  and  a  pair  of  blue  overalls. 
Soap-boxes  had  been  placed  on  end  in  the  interior  for  the 
accommodation  of  delegates  and  visitors ;  and  upon  these 
we  seated  ourselves  just  as  the  Chaplain  arose  to  preface 
the  vote  with  a  devout  petition. 

The  good  man  prayed  that  all  persons  there  assembled, 
•whatever  their  hue  and  cry,  might  be  brought  to  vote  as 
they  had  been  told  to,  and  to  give  up  all  their  bad  habits 
and  — 

Here  the  Hon.  George  Washington  arose  to  a  point 
of  privilege ;  but  was  taken  down  again. 

The  Chaplain  went  on  to  express  the  hope  that  these 
delegates,  and  all  other  delegates  whatsoever,  might  be 
taught  to  distrust  their  own  wisdom,  and  to  cease  that 
excessive  drinking  which  — 

Hon.  Tiberius  C^sar  here  moved  the  previous  ques- 
tion, and  was  at  once  obliged  to  move  it  back  again. 

Instead  of  proceeding  with  his  devotions,  the  Chaplain 
now  complained  that  the  Hon.  Caius  Gracchus  was 
"making  eyes  at  him."  Even  as  he  spoke,  a  putty-ball, 
thrown  by  the  Hon.  NuMA  Pompillius,  smote  him  on  the 
nose ;  whereupon  he  descended  from  his  soap-box  in  great 
agitation  and  promptly  engaged  the  latter  delegate  in  sin- 
gle combat. 

These  preliminaries  being  settled,  it  was  then  proposed 
that  the  Last  General  of  the  Mackeral  Brigade  be  nomi- 
nated by  acclamation,  and  that  a  Platform  be  built  for 
him.     Both  of  which  propositions  were  successfiil. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  193 

Yes,  sir,  both  were  enthusiastically  mdorsecl ;  and  if  jou 
expect  me  to  say  any  more  on  the  subject  just  now,  you 
are  doomed  to  disaj^pointment.  Throughout  this  whole 
letter  I  have  displayed  great  political  ability^  and  marvel- 
lous purity  of  motive,  in  endeavoring  to  walk  on  both  sides 
of  the  way  at  once.  To  say  another  word  about  the  above 
enthusiastic  nomination  on  this  occasion,  would  be  to  com- 
mit myself  one  way  or  the  other ;  and  I  must  peremptorily 
decline  so  doing.  A  splendid-looking,  gloriously  gifted, 
pure-minded  young  man  is  dependent  upon  me  for  support, 
and  I  must  not  risk  his  interests  by  too  hastily  taking 
sides.  He,  himself,  richly  deserves  to  be  President,  and 
his  name  is 

Entre  nous, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 

17 


LETTER    XVI. 

SHOWING  HOW  A  DISLOYAL  TELEGRAPH  DID  PERVERT  AND  MISPDNCTUATK 
THE  MACKEREL  GENERAL'S  "LETTER  OF  ACCEPTANCE;  "  AND  SPIRITEDLY 
DEPICTING  THE  GREAT  MUNCHAUaEN  HUNT  AND  ITS  LAMENTABLE 
ENDING. 

Chipmukk  Coukt  HOUSE,  June  4,  1868. 

In  consequence  of  a  temporary  financial  misunderstand- 
ing, superinduced  by  the  not  remote  military  outrages  of 
Federal  Vandals  upon  a  knightly  people,  and  still  prevail- 
ing Tvith  great  fervor  in  this  sunny  clime,  the  telegraphic 
facilities  here  lack  that  complete  typographical  finish 
which  is  observable  in  the  higher  electric  circles  of  wealthy 
monetary  centres.  The  ''First  National  Bullion  Bank" 
of  this  place,  in  the  temporary  dearth  of  gold,  has  a 
reserved  Specie  Fund  of  some  two  grosses  of  brass  buttons ; 
which  have  coated  at  a  fabulous  premium  ever  since  the 
spring  month  known  in  Southern  almanacs  as  Sherman's 
!MAPtCH,  and  still  fluctuate  wildly  as  news  of  Congressional 
proceedings  indicate  that  the  high-strung  nobility  of  this 
section  are,  or  are  not,  to  wear  cotton  dressing-gowns  for- 
ever. In  order,  then,  to  obtain  prompt  intelligence  from 
our  distracted  National  Capital,  and  so  regulate  its  rates 
in  accordance  with  the  variations  of  the  Impeachment 
pageant,  the  ''First  National  Bullion  Bank"  recently 
encouraged  the  formation  of  a  joint-stock  company  for  the 

194 


SMOKED    GLASS. 


195 


construction  of  a  telegraph  to  the  nearest  station.  Ten 
capitalists  in  dressing-gowns  at  once  responded  with  vener- 
able garden-rakes,  which  were  ably  erected  along  the  road- 
sides at  .proper  intervals,  as  the  poles  of  the  new  enter- 
prise ;  other  daring  speculators  contributed  numerous  yards 
of  old  bell-wire,  which  was  pieced  out  with  sections  of 
hoopskirt-springs  and  laid  carefully  across  the  tops  of  the 
rakes,  and  a  battery,  composed  of  two  pickle-bottles,  an 
oyster-can,  two  bent  stair-rods  and  half  a  pound  of  blue 
vitriol,  was  placed  in  the  hen-house  selected  as  the  office 
of  the  company. 

It  is  a  slight  drawback  to  the  pleasures  of  familiar  in- 
tercourse with  this  bloated  monopoly  that  its  President  re- 
serves the  right  to  read  and  make  literary  improvements 
in  all  despatches  addressed  to  Northern  men ;  and  that  he 
is  very  apt  to  send  his  love  at  the  bottoms  of  your  tele- 
grams to  female  acquaintances ;  but  the  enterprise  will  yet 
be  self-sustaining,  if  a  wholesome  check  can  be  placed  upon 
those  members  of  the  freed-negro  race  who  have  a  present 
habit  of  stealing  the  rakes  at  night ;  and  with  the  comple- 
tion of  Reconstruction  we  shall  witness  the  establishment 
of  an  efficient  police,  to  prevent  the  roosting  of  fowls  along 
the  line. 

We  have  found  such  cool  knights  down  here,  that  Cap- 
tain Villiam  Brown  has  taken  cold,  and  is  obliged  to  keep 
constantly  with  him  an  oblong  tin  medicine-chest,  con- 
taining the  cough-syrup  known  to  the  poets  as  ''  red  eye." 
While  he  and  I  were  allaying  our  pulmonary  injuries  with 


196  TELL   LIE    GRAPHICALLY. 

this  night-blooming  balsam,  in  mj  chamber  at  the  Mun- 
chausen chateau,  on  Wednesday,  a  messenger  burst  furi- 
ously in  upon  us  with  a  telegraphic  despatch ;  which,  on 
examination,  I  found  to  be  the  Response  of  the  Last  General 
of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  to  his  nomination  for  President 
of  the  United  States  in  1869. 

''  Huzza,  my  Chief-of-Garrison  !  "  says  I,  patriotically  ; 
"  just  listen  to  this  able  document."  Whereupon  I  took 
out  my  piece  of  Smoked  Glass  —  to  save  my  eyes  from  over- 
dazzling —  and  read  from  the  bottom  of  a  bandbox,  on 
which  the  Telegraph  Company  had  inscribed  it,  the  fol- 
lowing 

LETTER   OF   ACCEPTANCE. 

''If  elected  to  the  office  of  President  of  the  United 
States,  it  will  be  my  end  ever  to  aid  many  steer  all  the  laws. 

"  In  good  faith,  to  live  with  economy  and  with  the  view 
of  having  peace,  quiet,  and  protection  anywhere  in  times 
like  the  present,  it  is  impossible,  or  at  least  eminently  im- 
proper, to  lay  down. —  A  policy  to  be  adhered  to,  right  or 
wrong,  through  an  administration  of  four  years. 

"  New  political  issues  are  constantly  arising  the  view 
of  the  public  on ;  Old  Ones  are  constantly  changing,  and 
a  public  Administrator  should  always  be  sleep-free  to  exe- 
cute the  wills  of  the  people.  I  have  always  respected  that 
—  (will,  and  always  shall!)  peace  and,  in  reversal,  poster- 
ity. Its  sequence,  with  economy  of  Administration,  will 
lighten  the  burden. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  197 

"Of  taxation,  while  it  constantlj  induces  the  national 
death,  let  us  have  a  piece. 

''(Blue  Seal.)       General  Mackerel  Brigade." 

"Ah  •"  sajs  Villiam,  wildly  clawing  the  air,  like  one 
in  great  vertigo. 

My  own  brain  was  spinning  in  a  revolutionary  manner; 
but  I  strove  to  be  calm,  and  says  I,  — 

"It  appears  to  me,  Villiam,  that  this  great  document  is 
worthy  of  Carlyle.  As  I  understand  it,  the  writer  simply 
pledges  himself  not  to  'lay  down;'  and  seems  to  imagine 
that  it  is  a  chief  part  of  a  President's  duty  to  administer 
upon  wills." 

"  My  fren',"  says  Villiam,  cautiously  taking  the  bottom 
of  the  bandbox,  to  read  therefrom  for  himself,  "if  some  of 
this  here  able  essay  hasn't  been  lost  on  the  way,  through 
being  drawn  off  by  chickens  roosting  on  the  wires,  it's  my 
opinion  that  this  is  the  most  peaceful  and  non-committal 
epistle  that  ever  exploded  on  the  naked  ear." 

After  which  remark  Villiam  and  I  conversed  in  whis- 
pers upon  the  great  metaphysical  subject,  until  an  accurate 
Republican  morning  journal  reached  us  from  the  North, 
and  we  found  therein  the  following 

CORRECT   VERSION.* 

"  If  elected  to  the  office  of  President  of  the  United 


*  It  seemed  too  bad  to  pervert  General  Grant's  frank  and  soldierly  Letter,  but 
the  temptation  was  irresistible. 
17* 


198  FLAT-GRANT   ERRORS. 

States,  it  will  be  mj  endeavor  to  administer  all  the  laws 
in  good  faith,  with  economy,  and  with  the  view  of  giving 
peace,  quiet,  and  protection  everywhere.  In  times  like 
the  present  it  is  impossible,  or  at  least  eminently  improper, 
to  lay  down  a  policy  to  be  adhered  to,  right  or  wrong, 
through  an  administration  of  four  years.  New  political 
issues,  not  foreseen,  are  constantly  arising ;  the  views  of 
the  public  on  old  ones  are  constantly  changing,  and  a 
purely  administrative  officer  should  always  be  left  free  to 
execute  the  will  of  the  people.  I  always  have  respected 
that  will,  and  always  shall.  Peace  and  universal  prosper- 
ity —  its  sequence  —  with  economy  of  administration,  will 
lighten  the  burden  of  taxation,  while  it  constantly  reduces 
the  national  debt.     Let  us  have  peace." 

I  looked  at  Villiam  questioningly,  and  says  I,  — 

"In  the  present  depressed  state  of  affairs,  my  Mars' 
own  child,  the  Southern  telegraph  would  appear  to  be 
eccentric  in  punctuation,  and  disloyal  in  typography.  Al- 
low me  to  taste  a  little  more  of  your  cough-syrup." 

"  No,  my  fren',"  says  Villiam,  hastily  putting  aside  his 
medicine-chest.  "  After  such  rebel  trifling  with  my  feel- 
ings, 'the  red  eye  of  bottle  is  shut  in  despair.'  " 

We  might  have  discussed  the  question  further,  but  for 
an  extraordinary  noise  coming  up  from  below  our  window, 
outside,  causing  us  to  look  hastily  forth  from  the  casement. 
And  there,  in  the  court-yard  of  the  chateau,  with  his  head 
thrown  slightly  back,   his  right  knee  thrown  a  trifle  for- 


SMOKED    GLASS.  199 

ward,  to  support  his  instrument,  and  Lis  corresponding 
hand  laboriously  turning  the  crank,  was  a  scion  of  one  of 
the  First  Families  that  ever  saw  better  days.  His  coat 
was  the  waist  of  a  calico  frock,  which  had  not  been  war- 
ranted to  wash  ;  his  inexpressibles  were  the  former  sleeves 
of  another  frock  ;  his  hand-organ  was  a  coffee-mill  inclosed 
in  a  candle-box ;  and  attached  to  a  string,  grasped  by  his 
left  hand,  was  a  small  black  child  to  represent  a  monkey. 
''  Behold,"  says  I  to  Yilliam,  ''  how  greatly  reduced  in 
circumstances  are^this  once  opulent  and  chivalrous  people, 
when  one  of  them  is  thus  compelled  to  organize  for  a 

living." 

"Ah!"   says  Villiam,   sceptically,  ''I  saw  a  more  re- 
duced objeck  than  he,  yesterday,  my  fren'.     It  was  a  New 
York  pickpocket,"  says  Villiam,  confidentially,  ''  who  had 
come   down   here   on   speculation;    and   in  twenty-seven 
Southern  wallets — which  had  once,  my  fren',  been  used  as 
infants'  shoes— he  had  found  only  four  buttons  and  a  seid- 
litz  powder.     He  took  the  latter,"  says  Villiam,  gloomily. 
Ay,  my  countrymen,  the  man  was  dead-broke. 
Dead-broke,  Mr.  President.     Dead-broke,  my  Senators 
and   Congressmen.      Dead-broke,    Right   Reverends   and 
wrong  Reverends  of  every  order.     Dead-broke,  men  and 
women,   born  with  heavenly  compassion  in  your  hearts. 
And  prying  thus  around  us  every  day ! 

But,  alas !  even  while  the  despairing  poor  are  endeavor- 
ing to  smother  their  misery  with  the  deadly  seidlitz  pow- 
der, the  aristocratic  and  gay  go  on  with  their  giddy  sports, 


200  A   NORSE   IDYL. 

as  though  the  world  knew  no  keener  sorrow  than  the  soil- 
ing of  a  white  waistcoat.  From  our  meditation  upon  the 
woes  of  others,  my  friend  and  I  were  called  forth  to  the 
field  bj  the  aged  colored  seneschal  of  the.  chateau,  to 
join  a  brilliant  cavalcade  of  lords  and  ladies  in  the  Mun- 
chausen Hunt. 

This  regular  Southern  Spring  Meeting  took  particular 
eclat  from  the  rumor  that  a  fox  had  escaped  from  a  mena- 
gerie, recently  travelling  through  the  place  on  its  road  to 
bankruptcy;  and  as  the  animal  must  have  been  at  large  on 
the  surrounding  estates  for  nearly  a  week,  and  could  not 
live  upon  mortgages,  it  was  argued  that  his  near  approach 
to  death  by  starvation  would  render  it  nearly  possibly  for 
the  thoroughbred  hunters  and  hounds  of  the  Munchausens 
to  keep  up  with  him. 

At  any  rate,  upon  arriving  at  the  site  of  an  ancient 
cabbage-patch,  we  found  ^he  assembled  party  in  great 
spirits.  Sir  Pendragon  Penruthers,  mounted  gallantly 
upon  his  own  snuff-colored  blooded  racer,  cut  quite  a  figure 
in  his  black  silk  basque;  and  as  Villiam  had  recovered  his 
;glean  collar  from  him,  in  the  course, c»i  a  single  combat  near 
the  refrigerator  on  the  preceding  evening,  he  now  appeared 
in  a  standing-collar,  cravat,  and  pair  of  gloves,  done  in 
v.hite  paint.  Captain  Munchausen,  in  his  dressing-gown, 
occupied  a  thoroughbred  mare,  which  I  took  to  be  a  cross 
between  a  Hambletonian  and  a  skeleton-wagon,  the  springs 
and  axles  being  clearly  defined  under  the  sagacious  ani- 
mal's glossy  coat.     Loyola  Munchausen,  in  his  surtout  of 


SMOKED    GLASS.  201 

patent-striped  Water- Proof  Awning,  hat  made  of  half  a 
boot-leg,  and  top-boots  manufactured  from  sections  of  stove- 
pipe, bestrode  a  prancing  bay,  which  was  shaped  not  unlike 
a  narrow  kitchen-table  with  the  leaves  down  and  a  pig's 
head  on  one  end.  Matilda  Munchausen  appeared  upon  a 
sorrel  palfrey,  whose  marked  fluted  developments  on  either 
side  seemed  to  indicate  that  the  spirited  creature  might  be 
opened  and  shut  like  an  accordion.  Matilda  wore  a  riding- 
skirt  of  organdy,  — supposing  organdy  to  be  extensively 
used  this  season  to  imitate  one  bombazine  petticoat  sewed 
to  the  bottom  of  another, — and  her  jaunty  jocky-cap  of 
muskmelon  rind,  and  honiton  veil  of  mosquito-netting,  re- 
minded me  of  Sir  Walter  Scott's  Diana  Vernon.  The 
two  stately  gray  pacers  assigned  to  Yilliam  and  myself 
had  rather  too  much  trestle-work  about  them  to  be  comfort- 
able as  steeds,  however  well  suited  they  might  have  seemed 
to  civil  engineers  as  studies  for  -suspension  bridges ;  but,  as 
they  exactly  resembled  the  other  hunters  in  having  the 
trade-marks  "  U.  S."  on  their  flanks,  I  could  not  doubt 
that  they  came  of  the  same  fiery  breed.  The  Munchausen 
Huntsman,  who  was  a  member  of  the  freed-negro  race,\ 
stood  just  beyond  us,  poker  in  hand,  to  restrain  the  energy 
of  the  panting  hounds, — a  majority  of  which  must  have 
looked  well  when  trotting  under  their  native  butcher-carts, 
but  now  wore  a  melancholy  air  of  having  decided  in  their 
own  minds  that  such  a  thing  as  a  butcher  must  have  been 
merely  a  feverish  dream  of  the  past.  In  fact,  the  whole 
scene  was  more   English   than  American;    and  wLen   the 


202  SEEING   THE   POINT. 

pack  was  set  loose  in  full  cry,  fires  of  chips  kindled  unuer 
all  our  hunters  by  the  seneschal  to  make  them  start,  and 
the  shout  of  "Tallj-ho!"  sounded  by  P.  Penruthers, 
saluted  n\y  ears,  I  felt  like  a  British  nobleman. 

Away  we  flew  like  the  wind,  — supposing  the  wind  to 
zigzag  and  come  down  upon  its  knees,  occasionally,  by 
reason  of  a  little  touch  of  spavin.  Tally-ho !  Tally-ho  ! 
and  along  we  hopped  in  frantic  chase;  only  now  and  then 
stumbling  oyer  such  of  the  dogs  as  had  suddenly  paused  in 
mid-career  to  take  nervous  nips  along  their  backbones. 
Tally-ho !  Tally-ho !  and  wildly  we  scudded  over  the  Hamp- 
ton plantation,  leaping  mortgages  after  mortgages,  and 
dauntlessly  putting  our  good  steeds  at  the  very  deepest 
sheriff's  levies.  Just  after  running  against  a  haystack, 
Pendi'agon  Penruthers  allowed  Yilliam  and  myself  to  come 
alongside ;  and  says  he,  — 

"By'r  lady,  and  I  win  not  the  brush  this  day,  call  me 
losel  Yankee  churl! " 

"Pardie!"  panted  Yilliam,  from  half-way  up  the  neck 
of  his  charger,  "an'  thou  reflect  upon  me  again,  my  fren', 
I'll  whack  thy  halidome." 

Tally-ho-ahoe ! — and  we  could  see  the  hounds  all  tan- 
gled together  in  a  standing  snarl,  the  older  ones  making 
a  dead  "point  "  at  something  in  the  grass.  But  we  found 
the  latter  to  be  only  a  dried  bone  which,  had  been  dropped 
there  in  olden  times  by  our  military  Yandals;  and  on  we 
all  flew  again,  with  the  first  mortgage  on  the  Peyton  estate 
just  in  sight. 


A  love  of  a  bonnet. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  203 

Tally-ho!  Tally-ho!  —  Captain  Munchausen's  dressing- 
gown  standing  out  from  his  waist  like  some  monster  ruf- 
fle, Loyola's  Water-Proof  Awning  fluttering  high  behind 
his  shoulders  after  the  manner  of  dragon's  wings,  P.  Pen- 
ruther's  black  silk  basque  catching  the  wind  in  the  likeness 
of  a  complicated  balloon,  and  Matilda's  long  skirt  giv- 
ing her  the  aspect  of  a  giant  umbrella  tied  to  a  flying 
mastodon. 

At  the  very  height  of  this  awful  excitement,  and  while 
I  was  anxiously  scanning  the  fields  ahead  through  my  piece 
of  Smoked  Glass,  a  yellow  animal  suddenly  started  out 
from  the  bushes  just  beyond  the  hounds,  and,  after  tapping 
one  of  the  latter  slightly  upon  the  nose,  scudded  frantically 
away  toward  an  adjacent  chateau,  with  tail  erect  and  greatly 
magnified. 

Simultaneously,  the  maddening  "view-halloo!"  was 
given  by  somebody,  and  in  two  more  seconds  Yilliam  and 
I,  crying  '' Yoicks-yoicks!"  had  thrown  ourselves  from  our 
foundered  hunters  under  the  very  walls  of  the  chateau. , 
The  fox  had  entered  an  opening  in  the  stone  foundation  of 
the  edifice,  and  passed  under  the  ancient  building;  and 
around  the  hole  sat  all  the  dogs  on  their  hams,  in  magis- 
terial semicircle,  with  their  tongues  hanging  waggishly 
out  of  their  mouths. 

Feverishly  eager  to  secure  poor  Reynard's  brush  before 
the  others  could  arrive.  Captain  Villiam  Brown  promptly 
knelt  before  the  hole,  and,  peering  therein,  beheld  two 
luminous  green  glass  balls,  of  the  size  of  the  marbles  of  his 


204  CHIEF  JUSTICE  OF  THE   CHASE. 

childhood.  Then,  thrusting  his  right  arm  far  in  under  the 
chateau,  a  sound  was  heard  as  of  an  irascible  elderly  gen- 
tleman spitting  from  a  casement,  and  my  friend  changed 
countenance  and  hastily  drew  out  his  arm  again. 

''Ah!"  says  Villiam,  excitedly,  "as  sure  as  you  live, 
my  fren',  the  fox  has  gone  and  scratched  me." 

In  the  moment,  and  while  yet  he  was  unguardedly  stoop- 
ing almost  double,  a  window  right  at  my  nose  flew  open 
like  magic,  an  aged  unmarried  sister-in-law  of  the  late 
Southern  Confederacy  appeared  thereat,  armed  with  a  huge 
butter-paddle,  and  passionately  used  the  latter  to  inflict  an 
ear-splitting  spank  upon  the  absorbed  fox-hunter. 

Overcome  by  feelings  too  intense  to  be  expressed  in  print, 
the  nearly  murdered  Federal  officer  leaped  high  into  the 
atmosphere,  and  came  down  upon  a  dog  that  was  making 
his  toilet. 

"Ah!"  says  Villiam,  rubbing  himself,  "what  made  you 
do  that  to  me.  Miss  Southerland?  " 

The  venerable  maiden  made  a  pass  at  me,  also,  with  the 
still  quivering  butter-paddle ;  and  says  she,  — 

"If  I  catch  you  chasing  after  my  innocent  cat  in  that 
way  again,  young  man,  I'll  hurt  you  wuss'n  that!" 

Here  the  other  members  of  the  hunt  came  tottering  up 
to  the  chateau,  to  apologize  to  Miss  Southerland  for  our 
ill-bred  Yankee  mistake;  and,  as  the  sight  of  two  distant 
Northerners,  in  straw  hats,  had  rendered  our  horses  too 
restive  for  mouthfuls  of  the  latter  to  make  further  hard 


SMOKED    GLASS.  205 

riding  safe,  it  was  agreed  that  we  should  all  return  home 
forthwith. 

It  bcino;  evident  that  the  sufFcrin^s  of  the  wounded  Fcd- 
eral  officer  would  be  increased  by  additional  saddle-exercise, 
he  preferred  to  walk,  and  I  with  him;  nor  could  I  disguise 
my  admiration  at  the  manner  in  which  this  heroic  young 
man  drew  a  useful  moral  from  his  late  disaster. 

"My  frenV'  says  he,  limping  slightly,  "more  than  once 
has  he  who  would  catch  the  Fox  with  one  tail,  come  nearer 
catching  the  Cat  of  nine  tails." 

YourS;  credulously. 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 

18 


LETTER   XVII. 

ILLUSTRATING  THE  TREMENDOUS  EXTRANEOUS  INFLUENCE  OF  LARGE-SIZED 
names;  and  DESCRIBING  THE  MOST  PASSIONATE  AND  CONTEMPTUOUS 
LOVE-SCENE  EVER  BEHELD  IN  FASHIONABLE  SOUTHERN  SOCIETY  BY  A 
YANKJEE  VARLET. 

Chipmtnk  Cocbt  House,  June  15, 1868. 

A  NOSE  by  any  other  name  would  smell  as  sweet,  mj 
boy,  —  which  may  account  for  the  occasional  use  of  -the 
term  "bugle"  in  that  connection;  but  who  can  doubt 
that  the  proper  name  of  a  man  may  sometimes  give  him  a 
popular  sweetness  quite  beyond  the  attainment  of  mere  vir- 
tue or  genius  ?  Why  is  it  that  we  so  instinctively  realize 
our  own  insignificance,  and  feel  crushed  with  a  vague  and 
awful  reverence,  when  confronted  with  such  names  as  Para- 
celsus, Cagliostro,  and  Theodore  Tilton?  Then,  again, 
how  is  it  that,  by  writing  out  all  the  names  they  have,  on 
every  possible  occasion,  some  men  may  attain  an  inex- 
pressible eminence,  which  had  never  been  so  amply  ac- 
corded to  their  mere  patronymics  alone  ?  Look  at  Ralph 
Waldo  Emerson,  James  Russell  Lowell,  Oliver  Wendell 
Holmes,  and  Martin  Farquhar  Tupper.  There  is  some- 
thing LARGE-SIZED  about  names  in  this  style  ;  something 
swelling  and  tremendous ;  and  they  virtually  make  a  pass 
at  you  with  a  big  club,  and  say  :  '•  There  is  much  in  the 
very  sound  of  us  that  is  more  high-toned  than  language 

206 


SMOKED   GLASS.  207 

can  express,  and  if  you  will  now  prostrate  yourself  in  the 
dust  before  us,  without  further  confusion,  we  will  sit  down 
upon  you  for  a  while  on  this  pleasant  summer  day."  You 
say  to  yourself  that  you  have  your  best  clothes  on,  that 
the  dust  is  disagreeable,  and  that  your  feeble  intellect  fails 
to  discover  any  reason  just  now  why  you  should  be  so 
crushed ;  but  down  you  go,  and  are  sat  upon. 

Reconnoitring  the  political  field,  after  the  manner  of  a 
practical  philosopher,  and  realizing  that  Ulysses  is  the 
first  name  of  one  Presidential  aspirant,  and  Pendleton  the 
family-name  of  another,  I  am  at  once  overpowered  with  in- 
timidatincr  classical  memories  of  the  amazino'  sinorle  combat 
with  bully  Ajax  for  the  armor  of  Achilles,  and  almost 
suffocated  with  depressing  premonitions  of  immense  shirt- 
collar,  gold-headed  cane,  and  other  pharaphernalia  of  deep- 
voiced  Respectability.  In  the  mere  sound  of  Ulysses  I 
hear  the  assertion:  "There  are  several  collegiate  Greek 
reasons  why  I  should  take  a  little  walk  over  you  for  my 
health,  whether  you  can  find  any  English  reasons  for  the 
same  or  not."  And  in  the  sonorous  roll  of  Pendleton  I 
recognize  the  sentence:  "If  you  come  of  good  family, 
young  man,  and  have  a  letter  of  recommendation  from 
your  father,  you  may  tell  your  friends  that  I  have  noticed 
you." 

When,  upon  a  late  occasion,  I  took  up  a  copy  of  the 
"Daily  Mortgage,"  — a  loyal  journal, published  here  every 
morning  on  bits  of  old  muslin,  —  and  remarked  the  popu- 
lar enthusiasm  with  which  the  Presidential  nomination  of 


208  LETTERATUEE. 

Uljsses,  last  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade,  has  been 
received,  I  could  not  help  feeling  that  a  crushing  name  is 
half  the  battle.  In  one  column  I  found  a  letter  to  the 
name  from  an  influential  gentleman  in  South  Carolina, 
who  wrote:  "All  hail,  sir!  I  take  this  opportunity  to 
pledge  the  State  of  New  Hampshire  for  a  majority  of  at 
least  fifteen  thousand  votes  in  your  favor  :  and  if  you  could 
make  it  convenient  to  lend  about  three  dollars  and  a  half 
to  a  man  who  has  always  respected  you,  the  prompt  remit- 
tance of  that  amount  to  my  address  would  greatly  oblige 
me."  Another  gentleman  of  high  position,  at  Mugby  Six- 
Forks,  Florida,  writes  :  ' '  The  Empire  State  of  New  York 
will  respond  to  your  nomination  in  a  tone  of  thunder ;  and 
should  you  see  fit  to  notice  the  enclosed  card  of  the  Mugby 
State  Lottery,  the  immediate  mailing  of  one  dollar  will 
entitle  you  to  a  large  farm  in  Alaska,  less  our  commis- 
sions." A  venerable  leader  of  society  in  Bowieville, 
Arkansas,  says :  "  Greetings,  illustrious  Soldier  !  Next 
November  will  find  the  good  old  State  of  Connecticut 
standing  shoulder  to  shoulder  with  her  sister  States  in  the 
triumph  of  your  cause ;  and  by  enclosing  four  shillings  to 
the  address  here  given  you  will  receive  my  'Advice  to 
Those  About  to  Marry,'  by  return  of  mail." 

Turning  to  the  editorial  page  of  this  same  journal,  — 
the  editor  of  which  makes  quite  a  good  living  and  almost 
pays  the  interest  of  his  mortgages  by  alternately  writing 
articles  in  his  office  and  selling  ginger-snaps  on  the  trains, 
—  I  find  a  tribute  to  the  other  name.     "  Mr.  Pendleton," 


SMOKED    GLASS.  209 

says  the  editorial,  '4s  a  dignified  gentleman,  of  enviable 
social  Position  and  refined  Antecedents ;  nor  do  the  most 
elegant  annals  of  distinguished  Society  present  the  old 
family-name  of  one  taking '  higher  rank  in  the  walks  of 
unblemished  respectability.  His  position  in  Circles  to 
which  we  all  look  for  models  of  bigh-bred  gentility  is  un- 
assailed  by  the  remotest  suspicion  of  plebeian  Extraction ; 
while  his  polished  Manners  and  courtly  Address  will  ever 
commend  him  to  the  most  exclusive  Appreciation  in  this 
community,  where  our  well-known  fellow-citizen  Wade 
Hampton  Breckenridge,  Esq.,  is  now  ofiering  a  large  stock 
of  ably  selected  family  groceries  at  prices  which  few  would 
credit,  and  for  which  he  gives  no  credit  himself.'^ 

Just  sound  over  these  names  to  yourself,  my  boy,  and 
see  how  they  will  make  you  grovel,  whether  you  want  to 
or  not.  Then  ask  yourself  whether  a  John  Jobkins  or  a 
James  Podgers  could  ever  attain  so  much  world-wide  rev- 
erence by  any  great  act  he  might  accomplish  ?  See  what 
your  own  noiseless  name  has  done  for  you !  You  think 
yourself  handsome  (poor  wretch  !),  and  believe  that  you 
are  both  Great  and  Good ;  but  you  have  not  yet  succeeded 
in  gaining  even  the  respect  of  your  mother-in-law.  No, 
sir !  no  one  has  any  respect  for  you ;  and  unless  you  in- 
duce the  Legislature  to  change  your  name  to  something 
like  Aurelius  Stanhope  Jinks,  I  don't  see  how  you  are 
going  to  keep  out  of  the  Poor-house  this  summer. 

AYhy,  look  at  me,  here,  in  this  great  Southern  monetary 
centre,  being  crushed  out  of  all  self-respect  and  self-defence 

18* 


210  TOO    MUCH   MIND    FOR   NO    BODY. 

bj  the  name  of  Pendragon  Penruthers,  Esquire.  This 
knight  does  not  wear  such  clothes  as  one  would  like  to  see 
George  "Washington  dressed  in ;  yet  he  has  so  cowed  me 
by  his  mere  nominal  sound,  that  I  am  growing  more  and 
more  self-depreciatory  in  his  presence ;  and  a  subtle  intui- 
tion of  this  fact  makes  him  actually  ignore  my  low  Yankee 
existence  on  occasions. 

This  morning,  while  I  sat  quietly  upon  a  butter-firkin, 
which  had  been  saw^d  into  an  easy-chair,  in  the  drawing- 
room  of  the  ancient  Munchausen  chateau,  P.  Penruthers 
entered,  with  Matilda  Munchausen  hanging  upon  his  arm, 
and  escorted  her  to  a  wash-bench,  which  had  been  covered 
with  a  rag-carpet  to  represent  a  luxurious  settee.  Then, 
drawing  over  his  hands  a  pair  of  white  cotton  socks,  which 
he  had  borrowed  from  Loyola  for  courting-gloves,  and  dis- 
playing them  in  a  manner  to  impress  her  with  his  splendors 
of  costume,  he  buttoned  his  silk  basque  to  his  neck  to  make 
himself  emotionally  hoarse,  and  says  he,  — 

"Miss  Munchausen,  further  concealment  of  my  feelings 
were  useless ;  by  'r  lady,  I  love  —  " 

Here  I  coughed  to  remind  them  of  my  presence ;  where- 
upon he  waved  one  of  the  socks  toward  me,  in  a  haughty 
manner,  and  says  he,  — 

''You  see,  fayre  lady,  that  Nobody  is  here." 

Matilda  ate  a  slate-pencil  dipped  in  vinegar  to  keep 
herself  from  growing  stout,  and  says  she,  — 

''Yes,  my  Lord,  I  see  that  yonder  easy-chair  is 
Vacant." 


SMOKED     GLASS.  211 

The  faintly  scornful  sound  of  these  casual  remarks 
stung  me  into  a  conciousness  that  I  was  indeed  a  No- 
body, and  presented  a  marked  aspect  of  Vacancy ;  but, 
even  with  the  misfortunes  of  my  Vandal  Northern  birth 
and  noiseless  name,  I  have  moments  of  vague  self-re- 
spect; and,  with  an  air  of  considerable  hauteur,  I  drew 
out  my  piece  of  Smoked  Glass  and  proceeded  to  gaze 
thoughtfully  through  it  at  the  pageant  of  Love's  Young 
Dream. 

"  JNIatilda,"  went  on  Pendragon  Penruthers,  in  a  deep 
base  voice,  "  our  Families  are  equally  Old;  ancient  mort- 
gages draw  us  together,  and  it  becomes  us  to  complete 
the  holy  tie.  Hessian  Vandals  from  the  scorpion  North 
are  buying  up  our  fair  domains  at  about  seven  dollars  per 
castle  and  private  park,  and  I  expect,  by  my  halidome ! 
to  realize  some  thirteen  dollars  and  a  quarter  for  mine 
own  estate  withal.  With  this  amount,  I  can  safely  run 
in  debt  for  one  year,  and  I  ask  you,  ladie  fay  re,  to  help 
me  therein." 

''  Mj  heart's  Pendragon  Penruthers,"  sighed  Matilda, 
drawing  off  a  blue  worsted  mitten  and  giving  him  one 
of  her  hands  to  kiss.  •'  I  am  but  a  poor  weak  maiden, 
unaccustomed  to  public  speaking,  and  have  but  onethird- 
mortgage  in  mine  own  right.  If  that  is  any  inducement, 
you  might  take  me ;  but  first,  let  me  ask,  are  you  a  Eitu- 
alist?  " 

P.  Penruthers  smote  his  forehead  with  one  of  his 
socks,    then   seized   a   hymn-book    lying    upon  a    Louis 


212 

Seize    table    (flour-barrel  covered  with  drugget)  near  at 
handj  and  tore  it  into  thirty-one  fragments. 

''  Matilda,"  says  he,  frenziedly,  "  I  cannot  tell  a  lie. 
A  clergyman  living  next  to  me  once  had  one  of  his  cherry- 
trees  cut  down,  and  I  did  it  with  my  little  hatchet.  I  am 
an  infidel,  a  pagan,  and  a  spiritualist.  Let  me  not  hide 
such  facts  from  thee,  dear  one,  —  now  that  Nobody  is 
listening." 

She  threw  up  her  white  arms,  and  he,  expecting  a 
blow  from  her,  drew  hurriedly  back  and  pitched  head- 
long over  the  sand-box,  which  (as  he  chewed)  he  had 
taken  care  to  have  near  his  feet  before  beginning  the 
conversation.  She  had  meant  nothing,  however,  but 
the  most  trustful  affection;  and,  as  the  arrogant  knight 
slowly  picked  himself  up  from  the  floor  and  made  a 
stealthy  reach  for  the  poker,  the  lady  of  the  chateau,  by 
a  sudden  movement,  caught  his  head  under  one  of  her 
arms,  and  spat  a  loud  kiss  upon  his  forehead. 

''  And  think  you,  my  dearest  lord,"  cried  she,  "  that  I 
would  turn  from  you  on  that  account?  No!  You 
have  said  that  you  cannot  tell  a  lie,  and  you  did  it  with 
your  little  hatchet.  Could  a  George  Washington  do 
more?" 

"Do  I  remind  you  of  ^Yashington,  then  ?  "  asked  P. 
Penruthers,  softly,  wriggling  his  head  out  of  chancery, 
and  regaining  his  feet  again. 

"  Very  much,"  she  murmured. 

An  expression  of  melancholy  settled  upon  his  counte- 


SMOKED    GLASS.  213 

nance,  and  he  folded  his  socks  over  the  breast  of  his  silk 
basque. 

''Matilda,"  said  he,  huskily,  ''is  the  interest  on  your 
mortgage  all  paid  up  ?  " 

"Yes,  Pendragon." 

Again  the  anguished  knight  snjpte  his  forehead  with  a 
sock,  and  says  he,  ''  How  can  I  tell  this  trustful  being 
the  whole  truth  ?  How  can  I  reveal  to  her  that  my  present 
home  is  in  —  the  Almshouse  !  " 

She  darted  out  her  fair  hands  toward  him;  and  he,  an- 
ticipating a  blow  after  such  a  revelation,  attempted  to 
withdi-aw  a  pace,  and  tripped  heavily  over  my  feet.  But 
her  gesture  had  meant  only  a  demonstration  of  augmented 
attachment,  and,  before  he  could  arise  from  the  ground,  she 
flew  at  him,  took  his  face  between  her  mittens,  and  smiled 
down  at  him. 

"  Pendragon  Penruthers,"  she  said,  very  distinctly, 
"just  lie  where  you  are,  and  listen  to  me.  Rather  would 
I  give  Matilda's  hand,  heart,  and  mortgage  to  you,  a  South- 
erner, though  in  the  Almshouse,  than  to  a  Northerner 
with  the  carpet-bag  of  a  Croesus." 

His  position  being  unfavorable  for  any  other  gesture  of 
pleasure,  Mr.  Penruthers  kicked  ecstatically  in  the  air  with 
those  limbs,  on  which  appeared  his  red  flannel  inexpressi- 
bles, and  says  he,  — 

"Then,  by  my  halidome,  I  ask  no  more.  Thou  art 
mine,  Matilda ;  and,  come  weal  or  woe,  we  will  starve  to- 
gether." 


214  HAVING   A   NAME   IN    LIFE. 

"  And  allow  me,"  said  I,  putting  np  my  Smoked  Glass, 
"  to  congratulate  you  on  the  spot." 

At  the  disagreeable  Northern  sound  of  my  voice,  the 
lady  of  the  chateau  permitted  the  fallen  nobleman  to  reach 
a  standing  position  once  more,  and  he  cast  a  supercilious 
glance  toward  my  easynchair. 

''  I  see  Nobody,"  says  he,  contemptuously  ;  ''  and  yet  I 
heard  a  hideous  noise." 

Matilda  tossed  her  head,  and  says  she,  "  I  heard  No- 
body speak." 

''  So  did  I,"  quoth  Pendragon  Penruthers,  Esquire. 

After  which  they  both  looked  directly  at  me  for  five 
minutes,  in  the  manner  of  those  who  would  have  their 
nearest  personal  friends  understand  that  they  are  staring 
at  vacancy,  and  then  retired  from  the  apartment  with  great 
aristocracy  of  demeanor. 

Had  plain  John  Smith  treated  me  thus,  do  you  think, 
iQy  boy,  that  I  would  have  borne  it  ?  No,  sir  !  I  should 
have  gone  after  John  on  one  foot,  and  attempted,  for  a 
single  energetic  instant,  to  climb  his  backbone  with  the 
other.  But  a  man  named  Pendragon  Penruthers,  Esquire, 
mustj  in  some  way,  have  a  right  to  exhibit  a  far  greater 
immensity  of  aspect  than  one  who  is  only 
Yours,  unassumingly, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 


LETTER    XVIII. 

CASUALLY  EXPLAINTNG  THE  UNIQUE  LATIN  MOTTO  OF  AN  ANCIENT  HOUSE ; 
BUT  CHIEFLY  DEVOTED  TO  A  BRILLIANT  CHIVALRIC  TOURNAMENT,  AND 
SHOWING  HOW  THE  NOBILITY  AND  GENTRY  DEMEANED  THEMSELVES  ON 
THAT  KNIGHTLY  OCCASION. 

Cuu'MUNK  Covet  House,  June  15, 1868. 

It  is  only  in  the  South,  that  our  distracted  Republic 
possesses  any  of  that  dignity  of  ancestry  and  pride  of 
castellated  outbuildings,  which  are  familiarly  described  by 
those  more  celebrated  American  travellers  who  have  been 
admitted  to  the  principal  kitchens  of  Europe.  Here,  as  I 
sit  musing  before  the  grand  old  chateau  of  Captain  Mun- 
chausen, with  the  Conic  Section  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade 
encampment  upon  the  lawn  beyond  me,  and  at  my  right, 
the  Provisional  Governor,  on  a  barrel,  trying  four  mem- 
bers of  the  freed-negro  race  for  refusing  to  work  for  four . 
dollars  and  a  half  a  year,  —  as  I  sit  thus  surrounded  by  all 
the  exciting  richness  of  a  land's  affecting  redemption  from 
error,  methinks  I  can  see  far  back  into  the  antiquity  of  this 
chivalric  people,  and  hold  spiritual  converse  with  the  grand 
old  cavaliers.  Methinks  I  see  the  celebrated  and  high- 
spirited  Duke  of  Lee,  in  his  rich  corduroy  mantle  and 
Vandyke  hat  with  turnpike  tickets  in  the  band,  guiding 
the  blooded  steeds  of  his  chariotful  of  early  cabbages  to 
market.     Methinks  I  behold  the  Earl  of  Hunter,  attired 

215 


216  LETTER   STAMPS. 

in  the  rim  of  a  straw  hat  and  robes  slashed  with  white 
under-clothing,  bending  pensively  over  the  sweet-potato  patch 
and  reckoning  the  probable  profit  on  his  jewelled  fingers. 
Methinks  I  observe  the  brilliant  Marquis  of  Pendleton,  in 
his  plumed  helmet  of  ventilated  white  beaver  and  toga  of 
alpaca,  making  boots  and  shoes  for  the  nobility  and  gentry 
of  the  castles  adjoining  his  own. 

Then,  as  I  look  up  at  the  patrimonial  chateau  of  Mun- 
chausen, with  four  mortgages  upon  it,  and  a  Dutch  oven 
sticking  out  of  the  side,  I  at  once  feel  that  there  is  an  un- 
speakable lowness  about  everything  but  hunting,  and  ex- 
perience an  inordinate  desire  to  be  supported  by  a  colored 
man. 

Taking  the  arm  of  Captain  Yilliam  Brown,  who  had 
just  been  shaving  himself  with  a  bit  of  glass  sent  to  his 
room  for  that  purpose,  and  following  the  direction  of  the 
aged  seneschal  who  was  carrying  in  the  hoe-cake  on  a 
dustpan,  I  proceeded  to  the  salle  a  manger^  where  Captain 
Munchausen,  Matilda,  P.  Penruthers,  and  the  Provisional 
Governor  were  awaiting  us.  Each  being  pointed  to  his 
proper  inverted  peach-basket  by  the  master  of  the  revel, 
we  seated  ourselves  thereon  around  the  groaning  board. 

Wishing  to  promote  conversationj  I  helped  myself  to 
some  hard-tack,  and  said  I,  — 

' '  Tell  me,  my  mirror  of  knighthood,  what  mean  these 
letters  '  U.  S.,'  which  I  find  imprinted  upon  the  crackers, 
the  tomato  can,>  the  claret  cork,  upon  every  eatable  on  this 
wassail  board,  except  the  hoe-cake  ?  " 


SMOKED    GLASS.  217 

Captain  Munchausen  drew  closer  around  his  shoulders 
the  calico  window-curtain  which  formed  his  robe  de  cJiam- 
hre^  and  says  he,  — 

''  By  Chivalry  !  they  mean  '  Unum  Semper ^^  or  '  One 
•Always,'  which  is  the  Latin  motto  of  my  family." 

''  Ah  !  "  says  Villiam,  dreamily,  "give  us  this  day  our 
daily  Unum  Semper.  Do  you  know,  my  fren',''  says 
Villiam,  pleasantly,  ^'  that  all  the  meals  of  our  Mackerel 
beings  are  Unum  Sempers  too  ?  " 

"Sir  Vandal,"  said  Captain  Munchausen,  "your  re- 
marks must  not  be  tolerated.  Will  you  have  a  clean 
knife  and  fork  ?  " 

"Yes,  sarah,"  says  Villiam,  majestically,  "and  another 
spoonful  of  motto,  if  you  please." 

"Seneschal,"  said  Captain  Munchausen,  "go  to  the 
armory  and  bring  some  more  knives  and  forks." 

"  Stop,  brother,"  said  the  Provisional  Governor,  observ- 
ing that  our  haughty  host  was  making  movements  as 
though  to  stab  Villiam  in  the  back  wth  a  butter-knife ; 
"  this  is  no  time  for  the  South  to  bluster.  Let  us  rather 
stand  by  our  noble  President  in  his  conflict  with  the 
scorpions  of  the  North." 

"Sir,"  responded  the  proud  Virginian,  "you  teach  me 
^7  jooty.  And  now  what  say  you?  —  shall  we  invite 
the  vipers  to  our  tournamong,  that  they  may  witness  the 
ancient  knightly  pastime  of  the  superior  race  whom  they 
have  —  ha  !  ha  !  —  conquered  ?  " 

Here  Captain  Munchausen  laughed  horridly ;  and  would 

19 


218  TAKING   THE   CHANGE    COOLLY. 

have  grown  hysterical  with  scorn  had  he  not  suddenly 
remembered  that  his  knees,  which  he  had  drawn  up  to  the 
rim  of  the  wassail-board,  were  looking  forth  like  a  couple 
of  bald-headed  prisoners  through  the  airy  interstices  of 
their  respective  sable  dungeons.  A^hereupon  he  arose 
quickly  to  his  feet,  and  says  he,  "  Seneschal,  how  stands 
our  ancestral  treasury  ?  " 

The  aged  servitor  stopped  cleaning  the  knives,  and 
says  he,  — 

"  S'  help  me  gad,  Mars'r,  I  hab  done  got  only  two  shill- 
ings for  workin'  de  whole  day  yerserday  for  one  of  dem 
Yankees  down  yar." 

A  terrible  smile  trickled  over  those  of  Captain  Mun- 
chausen's features  which  illuminated  his  whiskers  like 
lamps  in  a  forest,  and  says  he,  — 

' '  Will  the  Messieurs  Vandal  be  good  enough  to  note 
the  —  ha  !  ha  !  —  blessing  of  Freedom  to  the  colored  race  ? 
Will  they  note  how  the  freedman  is  able  to  support  him- 
self? Two  shillings  a  day!  !  Seneschal,"  said  Captain 
Munchausen,  hastily,  '^give  me  the  two  shillings,  then, 
and  I  will  to  try  to  get  along  with  them." 

The  venerable  retainer  passed  the  largesse  to  his  lord, 
and  soon  we  all  started  for  the  field  of  chivalric  adventure, 
after  the  manner  of  several  Ivanhoes. 

Now,  spirit  of  Orlando,  thou  matchless  paladin  and 
sturdy  hater  of  cold  water  in  any  application,  come  to  my 
aid  with  as  much  brass  helmet  as  possible,  while  I  describe 


SMOKED    GLASS.  219 

the  scene  of  Arturian  splendor  which  exploded  upon  our 
vision  when  we  reached  the  field  of  toumay . 

A  piece  of  historical  ground,  which  had  proved  upon 
trial  to  be  unfavorable  to  potatoes,  had  been  set  apart  for 
the  knightly  pageant ;  and  all  four  sides  of  it  were  sup- 
plied with  an  ancient  staging  of  four  descending  seats, 
which  ended  at  short  intervals  in  pillars  driven  into  the 
ground.  A  lavish  baron  of  the  olden  time,  who  did  quite 
a  good  thing  in  the  oyster-  trade,  had  bequeathed  the 
interest  of  seven  dollars  per  annum  as  a  fund  for  keeping 
the  staging  impregnable  to  vagrant  cows,  and  the  fact  that 
only  a  few  roasting  pigs  were  grazing  in  the  lists,  when 
we  arrived,  spoke  well  for  the  use  of  the  legacy. 

The  top  seat  all  around,  singularly  narrow  as  it  was, 
seemed  to  have  the  preference ;  and*  as  it's  occupants  were 
privileged  to  hook  their  insteps  and  ankles  on  the  next  seat 
below,  and  the  two  seats  still  lower  were  chiefly  practicable 
for  the  use  of  chickens,  I  did  not  wonder  at  the  choice. 

Captain  Y illiam  Brown  and  I  now  took  out  the  bits  of 
Smoked  Glass  with  which  we  always  protect  our  eyes  when 
viewing  dazzling  spectacles,  and  surveyed  the  knights  and 
ladies  as  they  arrived  and  climbed  to  the  top  seat. 

"  Ah !  "  says  Villiam,  "if  that  rail  should  happen  to 
turn,  my  fren',  how  many  would  experience  reverses !" 

We  were  both  of  us  cogitating  over  this  idea,  when 
Captain  Munchausen  motioned  for  us  to  take  seats  on  the 
barrels  next  to  his,  and  says  he,  — 


220  KNIGHT   ER-RENT-RT. 

"  Hist,  Hessians  !  see  jou  not,  by  'r  ladj,  that  the  con- 
tending knights  have  arrived  ?  ' ' 

Sure  enough,  nij  boj,  two  or  three  of  the  seats  had 
been  let  down  upon  the  other  side  of  the  glittering  arena, 
and  tiiere  entered  four  stately  figures  upon  steeds  branded 
with  the  motto,  ''U.  S."  Forward  they  came  across  the 
field,  to  pay  their  devoirs  to  the  Queen  of  Love  and  Beauty 
in  a  bonnet  of  the  latest  fashion  of  the  Spring  of  '61 ; 
while  a  party  of  New  York  heralds  erected,  at  proper  points 
in  the  lists,  posts  from  whose  cross-bars  hung  many  curtain 
rings. 

First  of  the  champions  was  Sir  Cooke  de  Puddingwell, 
in  a  casque  of  soft  black  felt,  through  the  top  of  which 
some  locks  of  his  hair  protruded  in  an  ingenious  plume. 
His  colors  were  crimscfti,  and  he  wore  them  in  the  shape 
of  a  red  flannel  under-garment  which  flowed  upon  his 
breast  between  the  flaps  of  his  rather-tight-at-the-waist 
alpaca  mantle. 

Next  was  the  Viscount  Morgeejee,  descended  from  a 
noble  Welsh  family  of  cavaliers,  in  a  cTiapeau  de  straw ^ 
shaped  somewhat  like  an  umbrella,  and  a  dress-coat  of 
rich  cotton  velvet,  gored  and  made  low  in  the  neck.  His 
colors  were  blue  merino,  and  he  wore  them  in  quatriform 
patches  on  each  knee. 

Thirdly  was  Sir  Blessingen  Desguys,  of  French  cavalier 
stock,  in  a  helmet  of  black  silk  with  very  little  of  the  nap 
rubbed  off,  and  a  mantle  of  brown  linen  trimmed  with 
tulle  and  hem-stitched  up  the  front  with  narrow  edging  on 


SMOKED    GLASS.  221 

the  sleeves,  and  gored  down  the  back,  with  a  frill  of  ap- 
plique at  the  waist.  His  colors  were  a  yellow  silk  hand- 
kerchief, one  end  of  which  protruded  behind  his  ear  from 
under  his  helmet. 

The  last  was  Sir  Render  Awdje,  in  a  white  plush  helm, 
which  he  was  reported  to  wear  in  bed,  a  rich  jacket  of 
green  baize  with  round  bone  blazonries,  and  the  quarterings 
of  his  coat-of-arms  engrossed  upon  his  costume  just  below 
the  brief  tails  of  his  jacket.  He  appeared  to  have  no  colors, 
being  only  a  banneret;  but  something  white  occasionally 
appearing  at  the  foot  of  his  spine  as  he  moved  in  the  saddle 
suggested  the  possibility  of  a  hidden  scarf  of  spotless  satin, 
the  secret  gift  of  some  ladye  fayre.  It  might  have  been 
his  pocket-handkerchief  though. 

Each  knight  was  armed  with  a  lance  with  the  broom  part 
broken  off,  which  he  waved  in  salute  to  the  Queen  of  Love 
and  Beauty. 

'^  By  my  halidome! "  quoth  Sir  Cooke  de  Puddingwell, 
picking  a  leg  of  cold  chicken,  and  stirring  up  his  fiery  barb 
so  that  a  little  touch  of  spring-halt  might  not  be  too  visible, 
''an'  I  take  not  six  rings  to-day,  call  me  churl." 

"Gramercy  for  thy  liberality,  gentle  sir,"  retorted  the 
Viscount  Morgeejee,  who  had  just  bought  some  peanuts. 

''By  the  rood !  an'  ye  shall  prove  the  boast  to  the  death, 
an'  our  lady  wills  it,"  quoth  Sir  Blessingen,  br\ishing  a  fly 
from  the  place  where  his  courser  had  been  galled  by  the 
collar  when  ploughing.  At  this  moment  the  New  York 
heralds  appeared  in  the  centre  of  the  field,  and  proceeded 

19* 


222  MARE    HASTE,    LESS   SPEED. 

to  publish  the  Personals  of  the  Coming  contest.  One  of 
them  lifted  up  his  voice,  and  said,  — 

' '  Here  ye  all !  If  the  four  gentlemen  who  rode  up  to 
Chipmunk  this  morning  wish  to  continue  their  acquaintance 
with  the  four  ladies  who  love  them:  let  them  at  once  ad- 
di'ess  themselves  to  obtaining  rings.'' 

Then  all  the  heralds  joined  in  the  chorus  of  "Largesse, 
noble  knights,  largesse;  "  and  then  retired  to  play  seven-up 
behind  a  nobleman's  carriage  with  "U.  S.  Ambulance" 
inscribed  upon  its  panel. 

Passing  one  half  of  his  apple  to  the  nearest  lady,  and 
putting  the  other  half  into  his  pocket,  Captain  Munchausen 
took  a  standing  position  upon  his  barrel,  and  says  he,  — 

''Let  the  Tournamong  proceed!  " 

Away  hobbled  all  the  knights  at  the  word,  in  a  series 
of  uneven  hops  best  adapted  to  the  infirmities  of  the  met- 
tled Arabians  they  bestrode  ;  making  directly  for  the  fii'st 
post  of  rings  and  aiming  with  their  lances  to  cary  off  one 
ring  at  least. 

Sir  Cooke  de  Puddingwell  almost  had  one,  when  his 
blooded  mare  took  fright  at  a  "  chignon ' '  in  the  range  of  his 
vision,  and  staggered  horror-stricken  against  Sir  Render's 
Hambletonian,  with  such  a  shock  to  that  knight,  as  caused 
his  helmet  to  fall  off  and  reveal  a  lunch  of  two  roast  apples 
on  his  head.  Seeing  their  advantage,  the  Viscount  Mor- 
geejee  and  Sir  Blessingen  made  a  gallant  push  for  tlie 
other  post,  amid  the  plaudits  of  the  nobility  and  gentry ; 
but  Sir  Cooke  and  Sir  Render,  recovering,  were  there,  too, 


SMOKED    GLASS.  223 

as  quicklj,  and  the  wriggling  of  all  their  horses  was  as 
one  sound. 

"  Bj  the  Mass  !  Sir  Viscount, "  said  Sir  Blessingen, 
hotly,  ''  an'  thou  keep  not  thy  lance  from  the  small  of  my 
back,  I  will  make  thee  cry  Gramercy !  "  ^ 

''Ay,  by  my  halidome !  "  quoth  Sir  Cooke  de  Pudding- 
well,  ' '  an'  thou  keep  not  thy  steed,  Sir  Blessingen,  from 
trying  to  sit  in  my  lap,  I  will  serve  thee  an'  thou  wert  a 
varlct !  " 

Here  Captain  Munchausen,  who  had  just  drawn  a  pair  of 
clean  white  socks  over  his  hands  to  be  more  genteel,  once 
more  arose  upon  his  barrel,  and  says  he,  — 

"The  first  round  of  the  Tournamong  is  over.  Five 
minutes  for  refreshments,  by  'r  lady  !  " 

I  turned  to  Villiam,  whose  inferior  Sixth  Ward  nature 
had  become  dumfounded  at  the  courtly  display,  and 
said  I,  — 

"  Well,  my  Iron  Duke,  how  standest  thou  the  feverish 
excitement  of  the  scene  ?  " 

"  Hum  !  "  says  Villiam,  musingly,  ''methinks  I  see  the 
Arabian  Nights  of  my  childhood.  Methinks,"  says  Vil- 
liam, historically,  "that  mine  eyes  behold  the  Field  of  the 
Cloth  of  Gold,  — after  it  has  suspended  speshie  payment." 

I  was  about  to  rejoin,  when  the  ringing  of  a  dinner-bell 
by  an  extra  herald  brought  the  knights  in  line  again,  and 
the  tournamong  raged  with  renewed  force.  Owing  to  the 
fact  that  the  steed  of  Sir  Cooke,  while  lunching  upon  the 
tempting  tail  of  Sir  Blcssingen's  steed  bit  unexpectedly 


224  A   CONUNDRUM. 

upon  the  raw,  the  latter  nobleman  suddenly  went  to  the 
front,  with  a  plunge  like  a  huge  grasshopper,  and,  striking 
full  against  the  first  ring  post,  brought  it  crashing  to  the 
ground. 

^' A  foul  blow,  bj  my  halidome  !  "  shouted  Sir  Cooke, 
impatiently  striving  to  break  his  charger  of  the  habit  of 
walking  on  three  legs,  which  it  had  acquired  in  the  grocery 
business. 

"  By  the  Mass  !  an'  thou  sayest  so  thou  liest,  base 
churl !  "  roared  the  agitated  Sir  Blessingen,  doubly  frantic 
at  having  jammed  his  fingers  and  found  his  pockets  picked 
of  four  gingernuts. 

In  a  moment  all  was  in  confusion ;  and  to  add  to  the 
dreadful  splendors  of  the  scene,  Sir  Render  Awdye,  in 
bending  eagerly  down  from  his  saddle  to  look  for  rings, 
made  such  a  display  of  a  pair  of  suspenders  as  caused 
several  ladies  to  faint  on  the  spot. 

In  short,  the  tournamong  was  over ;  and,  after  amicably 
uniting  forces  to  chastise  three  members  of  the  freed-negro 
race  who  had  been  heard  to  laugh,  the  knights  and  specta- 
tors went  their  ways,  and  we  returned  thoughtfully  to  the 
chateau. 

Can  it  be,  my  boy,. that  a  people  who  thus  retain  all  the 
usages  and  hardihood  of  knighthood,  really  lack  any  radical 
essential  Xo  suit  the  pleasure  of  the  Chase  ? 
Yours,  inquisitively, 

Orpheus  G.  Kerr. 


LETTER   XIX. 

PAYING  A  HANDSOME  TRIBUTE  TO  "WOMAN;  INTRODUCING  A  BRIDE,  AND 
PREPARATION  FOR  THE  BRIDAL;  GIVING  THE  ORIGIN  AND  PLAN  OF  CHIP- 
MUNK cathedral;  sketching  a  grand  SOUTHERN  RITUALISTIC  WED- 
DING;   AND    SHOWING    HOW    OUR    CORRESPONDENT   WAS    ONCE  "UP   TO 

SNUFF." 

Chipmunk  Court  House,  Jane  18,  1868. 

From  those  passionate  days  when  the  arms  and  feats  of 
Woman  had  so  wrought  upon  the  feelings  of  a  British 
army  that  it  toasted  the  Maid  of  Orleans,  there  has  been 
a  marked  tendency  amongst  owners  of  mothers-in-law  to  let 
the  Toast  be  Dear  Woman.  But  we  must  remember,  that, 
in  the  time  of  Joan  of  Arc,  protracted  celibacy  often 
subjected  the  un wedded  fair  one  to  the  rigors  of  a  convent; 
and,  rather  than  come  to  that,  many  a  maiden  was  willing 
to  accept  a  suitor  who  was  half-a-loafer,  upon  the  principle 
that  half-a-loaf  was  better  than  nun.  The  English  troops 
may  have  regarded  Miss  Joan's  late  proceedings  in  the 
light  of  a  loaf;  and,  having  cut  her  off  from  the  latter, 
felt  justified  in  toasting  her  over  the  same  fire  with  their 
stake.  At  any  rate,  the  historical  precedent  from  which 
modern  mother-in-lawyers  take  inspiration  for  their  ma- 
levolent convivial  mots^  has  no  force  at  all  for  those  genuine 
admirers  and  respecters  of  the  sex  who  ask  no  toasting  for 

225 


226  A    TINCTURE    OF    GAUL. 

the   modest,  domestic   joung  woman  who  is   home-maid 
bred. 

Ifj  in  following  my  mention  of  the  heroine  of  Orleans 
with  the  name   of  Matilda   Munchausen,   I  should  also 
greet  the  latter  as  a  Maid  of  Four  Liens,  —  because  at 
least  four  liens  are  held  against  the  estates  of  the  Mun- 
chausens    by   low    Northern   persons   having   mortgages 
thereon,  —  there  are  those  who  would  accuse  me  of  greatly 
exasperating  them  with  a  hideous  pun.    I  think,  therefore, 
that  it  will  be  well  for  me  to  respect  the  unhappy  preju- 
dices of  such  critics,  and  save  them  from  a  degrading  dis- 
play of  their  bad  temper,  by  not  doing  so.     Suffice  it  to 
say,  then,  that  the  lady  of  the  ancient  Southern  chateau, 
which  I  am  now  aiding  to  reconstruct,  is  certainly  worthy 
the  proud  old  name  of  Penruthers,  attained  by  her  to-day 
in  the  bond  and  mortgage  of  matrimony ;  nor  shall  the 
apparent  slight  coolness  of  herself  and  her  family  toward 
me  keep  back  my  delicate  tribute  of  admiration  on  such 
an  occasion  as  the  present.     Her  chamber  in  the  luxurious 
Munchausen  chateau  has  hitherto  been  immediately  above 
mine ;  and,   early  this  morning,  while  she,  with  all  her 
windows  open  (to  disguise  the  absence  of  a  whole  pane  of 
glass  from. any  one  of  them),  was  getting  ready  for  the 
bridal,  I  overheard  her  softly  singing  to  herself  the  follow- 
ing graceful  little 

CHANSON. 

Avez  vous  mon  parapluie  ? 
Celui-la,  ou  celui-ci  ? 


SMOKED    GLASS.  227 

Il.n'a  celui  do  personno  : 
N'a-t-il  pas  son  pantalon  ? 

Qui  a  soin  de  mon  choval  ? 
A  quel  pied  a-t-il  mal  ? 
Je  suis  venu  pres  de  vous, 
II  est  venu  pres  do  nous. 

Manger  trop  est  dangereux  : 
Bonne  renommee  vaut  mieux, 
II  fait  un  bon  ordinaire  — 
Pensez-vous  quo  jo  puisse  fairo  ?  * 

*  I  take  these  sprightly  lines  (probably  one  of  the  lighter  lyrics  of  Hugo)  to 
be  expressive  of  pleasant  girlish  badinage.  The  young  bride  jocosely  asks  her 
lover  if  he  has  her  umbrella  (synonymous  with  parasol  at  the  South  just  now). 
To  which  it  is  answered,  that  he  has  not;— that  he  really  has  but  the  clothes 
he  stands  in.  This  is  the  French  way  of  stating  that  he  is  very  poor.  Then  the 
bride,  in  the  same  spirit  again,  wants  to  know  Avho  is  to  take  care  of  her  pet 
saddle-horse  after  she  is  married,  and  attend  to  its  ailings ;  as  the  creature  must 
now  come  very  near  to  two  persons  instead  of  one?  But,  in  the  last  quatrain, 
woman's  heart  at  once  accepts  the  situation  frankly,  contends  that  a  good  name  is 
better  than  gluttonous  living,  hints  that  those  are  rich  enough  who  have  the  for- 
mer, and  archly  asks  a  compliment  for  the  fair  philosopher.  The  lines  may  be 
freely  rendered  into  English,  thus,  — 

Have  you  my  umbrella  there  ? 
This  or  that  one  — I  don't  care  I 
He  has  no  one's ;  his  is  thus, 
Propria  qu£E  maribus. 

Who  will  tend  my  pony,  now  ? 
Tell  which  foot  is  sorest,  too  ? 
As  I  corae  the  nearer  thee, 
He  to  us  should  nearer  be. 

Peril  'tis  to  eat  too  much, — 
Better  honest  name  than  such ; 
He  fares  well  who  sticks  unto  it : 
Do  yon  think  that  I  can  do  it  ? 

The  translation  scarcely  does  justice  to  the  gracefully  coquettish  spirit  of  the 
original,  but  conveys  its  sense.  —  Ed. 

(Nonsense I  The  "lines"  are  merely  so  many  hap-hazard  and  disconnected 
phrases  from  the  •'Exercises"  of  some  Frencli  Grammar,  or  Reader  I  — Pub- 
lisher.) 


228  THE    CONVENTIONAL   NEGRO. 

Unconscious  of  a  hearer,  the  lovely  songstress  was  tak- 
ing French-leave,  so  to  speak,  of  her  girlish  days.  As  the 
student  returned  from  a  college  where  he  has  acquired 
great  facility  in  misunderstanding  Latin  will  occasionally 
sing  bits  of  supposed  verse  in  that  language  in  a  way  to 
sadden  everybody,  so  did  this  affianced  Southern  bride 
warble  the  plaintive  lines  she  had,  perhaps,  learned  at  her 
happy  early  boarding-school,  where  French  was  the  lan- 
guage if  desired  by  parents.  And  while  I  listened  to  the 
melodious  strain,  and  imagined  the  beautiful  strainer  drop- 
ping a  final  tear  to  the  memory  of  her  sunny  days  of  girl- 
hood, I  could  not  but  envy  the  haughty  bridegroom  des- 
tined to  have  her  for  his  own ;  and  wonder  how  the  mis- 
chief he  was  ever  going  to  support  her. 

Even  while  I  mused  thus,  the  sound  of  another  voice 
saluted  my  ears  from  below  the  casement,  — the  voice  of 
Captain  Munchausen,  who,  in  consequence  of  an  accident 
to  his  ancestral  treasury,  had  just  borrowed  three  dollars 
from  the  aged  colored  seneschal,  of  the  chateau,  to  aid  in 
the  approaching  nuptial  pageant. 

"Seneschal,"  says  he,  coldly,  "if  this  is  all  that  the 
varlet  Yankees  have  given  thee  in  largesse,  I  will  e'en 
place  it  in  my  gipsire  for  want  of  more." 

The  seneschal  appeared  to  heave  a  sigh,  and  says  he, 
"Dat's  all  I  got,  Mars'r  Captain;  and  I  hope  Mars'r  '11 
let  me  20  and  vote  for  de  Convention  dis  mornin'  before 
Miss  'Tilda  gits  married." 

His  former  owner  scowled  thoughtfully  at  the  ignorant 


SMOKED    GLASS.  229 

black,  and  sajs  he,   '^  Seneschal,  what  is  this  Convention 
to  do?" 

The  venerable  freedman  scratched  his  head,  and  says  he : 
''  I  don't  know,  Mars'r,  but  I  b'lieve  it's  to  get  up  a  new 
Consumption  for  de  State." 

*'Ha!  ha!  ha!"  laughed  the  scornful  Southron,  with 
horrible  bitterness.  ''  You  mean  Constitution,  poor 
gorilla ;  and  tell  me  now,  thou  sorry  knave,  what  is  a  Con- 
stitution?" 

'^I  don't  know  'zactly,  Mars'r  Captain,"  says  the  aged 
negro,  ''and  dat's  a  fac'.  I  'spect,  though,  dat  its  some 
kind  of  canonderdrum  out  o'  de  Bible." 

''And  these,"  hissed  the  proud  Confederacy  through 
his  set  teeth,  ''  these  are  the  creatures  who  are  to — ha  ! 
ha! — rule  the  down-trodden  South,  while  we,  her  mort- 
gaged white  sons,  are  dissss-feranchised !  !  Why,  yonder 
losel  military  scopion,  from  the  plebeian  North,  shall  show 
more  intelligence." 

Here,  the  disfranchised  knight  hailed  one  of  our  Mack- 
erels, who  chanced  to  be  on  guard  near  the  porch,  and 
says  he,  — 

"Tell  us,  thou  reptile,  what  is  a  Constitution?  " 

"  Consteechooshun  is  it,  ye  mane! "  says  the  soldier,  in 
a  voice  that  had  often  reached  the  North  Poll,  "  Sure,  and 
its  a  bit  av  paper  that  every  Amairikin  citeezen  signs  whin 
he  declares  his  intintions." 

At  this  moment  Captain  Munchausen  was  seized  with  a 
20 


230  CHURCH    OF   THE    POORITANS. 

» 

violent  cough ;  and  says  he,  ''0  — ah — yes,  I  see.  But 
you  can  retire,  sirrah," 

^'As  for  you,  Satan,"  says  he,  making  a  pass  at  the 
aged  seneschal  with  the  oiled-silk  umbrella-sheath,  which 
he  carried  as  a  purse,  "  if  you  attempt  to  vote  I'll  discharge 
you." 

But  the  seneschal,  in  return,  made  a  pass  at  him  with 
the  dust-pan,  and  peevishly  asked  for  his  money  again ; 
whereupon  the  passionate  knight  called  aloud  for  military 
aid  from  the  United  States ;  and,  but  for  the  prompt  media- 
tion of  the  Mackerel,  the  long  expected  War  of  Races  must 
have  commenced  at  the  South. 

Hark,  though !  The  pewter  spoon  has  been  hung  upon 
its  wire  in  the  dish-pan,  and  the  great  bell  of  the  chateau, 
thus  reconstructed,  rings  a  merry  peal  for  the  bridal.  Let 
all  political  differences,  my  boy,  be  lost  in  the  fragrant 
smoke  of  Hymen's  torch,  while  I  skip  over  intervening 
incidents  and  take  you  directly  to  the  wedding. 

Inasmuch  as  the  principal  sacred  edifice  of  this  financial 
metropolis  was  torn  down,  during  the  recent  Federal  car- 
nage, by  our  military  Yandals  (because  some  thirteen  un- 
conquerable Confederacies  in  spectacles  occupied  the  turret 
with  duck-guns,  and  created  disturbances  in  our  ranks), 
the  only  fashionable  church  now  standing  is  composed  of 
the  body  of  an  old  Dry  Dock  omnibus,  presented  by  wealthy 
Southern  exiles  in  New  York,  with  a  steeple  over  the  door- 
end  formed  successively  of  a  cracker-box,  a  fish-keg,  and  a 
nine-shilling  gothic  clock.     This  stately  triumph  of  Noah's 


SMOKED    GLASS. 


231 


232  NO   FREEDOM   TO   A    DOOR. 

Arkitechture  is  said  to  look  much  like  the  famous  English 
church  of  St.  Mary- Axe,  but,  as  it  is  not  quite  so  large, 
it  is  very  properly  called  St.  Mary-Hatchet ;  and  here,  in 
this  cathedral,  with  a  spacious  blackberrying-ground  around 
it,  the  marriage  of  P.  Penruthers  and  M.  Munchausen 
would  have  been  solemnized,  but  for  the  high-handed  con- 
duct of  a  -prominent  church-officer.  To  speak  plainly,  it 
is  the  custom  of  the  sexton  of  the  cathedral  to  occupy  the 
driver's  seat  of  the  former  omnibus  during  the  service, 
and,  by  means  of  the  strap  wound  about  his  leg,  permit 
none  of  the  congregation  to  open  the  door  and  slip  out 
while  the  collection  is  being  taken  up.  When  applied  to 
by  the  brothers  of  the  bride,  this  embittered  official  agreed 
to  admit  the  party  to  the  cathedral ;  but  utterly  refused  to 
think  of  such  a  thino'  as  lettino;  them  out  ao^ain  without  a 
collection  for  his  own  benefit.  This,  of  course,  settled  the 
matter,  as  the  Rothschilds  still  mysteriously  refrain  from 
subscribing  to  the  new  Munchausen  Loan ;  and  it  was  de- 
cided that  the  ceremony  should  take  place,  according  to 
the  forms  of  the  Ritualists,  at  the  chateau. 

Nowhere  save  at  the  South,  at  this  particular  period  of 
Reconstruction,  is  a  Ritualistic  wedding  seen  in  all  its 
pomp.  That  is  to  say  —  nowhere  else  are  so  many  Pom- 
peys  present.  As  I  gazed  to-day  at  the  row  of  sable  re- 
tainers around  the  nobility  and  gentry  at  the  wedding,  and 
wondered  whom  they  expected  to  collect  their  next  quar- 
ter's wages  from,  it  struck  me  that  the  SheriiTs  writual 
had  its  element  there.     Thus  do  wordly  thoughts  intrude 


SMOKED    GLASS.  233 

upon  the  most  solemn  scenes,  and  I  merely  mention  it  as 
an  original  discovery. 

Captain  Villiam  Brown  and  I  had  been  invited,  on  con- 
dition of  lending  clean  collars,  and  furnishing  a  box  of 
candles  for  the  ceremony ;  and  when  we  entered  the  saloon 
of  the  chateau  and  gazed  through  our  pieces  of  Smoked 
Glass  upon  the  scene,  the  brilliancy  of  the  latter  made  us 
wink.  The  mangle,  brought  in  from  the  kitchen  and  con- 
verted into  a  covered  table  by  means  of  a  white  counter- 
pane, bore  some  twenty  burning  tallow-candles  in  soda- 
water  bottles.  Above  it  trembled  a  tasteful  canopy,  made 
from  the  top  of  a  sugar-barrel,  draped  with  evergreens. 
Behind  it,  on  the  wall,  hung  a  picture  representing  the 
arrest  of  one  of  the  early  Christians  for  debt.  At  the 
table  stood  the  Ritual  rector,  in  chasuble  made  of  the  stuff 
left  over  from  the  two  large  blue  cotton  umbrellas  which 
Villiam  and  I  had  given  to  be  made  into  a  bridaJ-gown  and 
hoop  skirt  for  the  lady  of  the  chateau.  To  the  right  were 
a  band  of  boy-choristers,  from  the  local  Orphan  Asyjum ; 
on  the  left,  a  company  of  acolytes  from  the  neighboring 
County  House  ;  still  farther  to  the  left  was  the  choir,  com- 
posed of  the  Mackerel  Brass  Band  with  his  night-key  bugle, 
and  the  aged  colored  seneschal,  with  a  large  comb  wrapped 
in  paper;  around  the  room  sat  the  family  and  guests,  on 
inverted  peach-baskets ;  and,  facing  the  table  and  rector, 
stood  the  lordly  Pendragon  Penruthers,  Esquire,  and  his 
Southern  bride ! 

You  can  form  no  idea  of  the  knightly  and  chivalric  as- 

20* 


234  PUTTING   OUT   THE   WICK-ED. 

pect  of  this  people,  mj  boy,  save  in  a  courtly  pageant  like 
this.  You  at  the  North  are  chiefly  familiar  with  South- 
ern medical  students,  who,  instead  of  using  the  ancient 
lance  for  artillery,  use  the  modern  lancet  for  ill  artery : 
but,  if  you  want  to  see  what  Chivalry  really  is,  at  the 
South,  come  gaze  through  my  Smoked  Glass  at  this  scene 
of  Ritualism. 

The  Ritual  rector  now  intoned  a  Nux  Vomica,  accom- 
panied in  a  slow  adagio  movement  by  night-key  bugle,  and 
comb ;  and  then,  looking  steadfastly  at  the  couple,  snuffed 
out  two  candles  with  his  fingers.  This  signified  that  all 
their  past  separate  lives,  save  debts  and  mortgages,  were 
extinguished  by  marriage.  Bride  and  groom  bowed  assent; 
the  acolytes  filed  between  them  and  the  table;  and  the 
Ritual  rector  snuffed-out  the  remaining  candles,  —  which 
signified  that  the  family  couldn't  afford  to  let  them  burn 
any  longer,  as  they  had  no  others  in  the  house. 

Next,  in  time  to  slow  music  by  the  choir,  the  Ritual 
rector  lifted  from  the  interior  of  the  mangle  a  living  wren, 
its  little  feet  and  wings  tied,  and  itself  lying  upon  about 
ten  cents'  worth  of  ice.  What  this  chilled  wren  signified 
I  could  not  understand  exactly,  but  bride  and  groom  again 
bowed  very  low. 

"  Then  I  pronounce  you  mortgaged  to  each  other  for 
life,"  says  the  Ritual  rector,  commencing  to  eat  an  apple 
(significant  of  Eve's  transgression),  and  the  boy-choristers 
at  once  began  a  solemn  dance  about  the  pair,  singing 


SMOKED    GLASS.  235 


"Thus  man  takes  a  mortgage  on  woman  for  life, 
With  interest  due  in  good  faith  from  the  wife; 
And  if  she  don't  pay  it,  her  husband  she'll  forco 
To  quickly  foreclose  with  a  suit  for  divorce. 


Be  happy,  be  worthy,  be  thrifty  and  wise; 

Take  all  the  good  chances  of  Time  as  ho  flies; 
And  still  be  your  doctrine,  or  healthy  or  sick, 
Rit-u-al,  rit-u-al,  rit-u-al-is-tic." 


This  concluded  the  impressive  ceremony.  The  twain 
had  been  made  one,  for  better,  for  worse,  in  life  and  in 
debt ;  and,  after  the  usual  congratulations,  the  whole  party 
repaired  in  procession  to  the  salle  a  manger^  where  a  wed- 
ding-banquet of  hoe-cake  and  United  States  rations  awaited 
us.  The  ritual  rector  came  with  the  rest,  in  high  spirits, 
being  apparently  affected  by  some  sort  of  congestion  of  the 
brain,  which  led  him  into  the  wild  fancy  that  he  was  to  be 
paid  something  for  his  services ;  but  as  the  moments  rolled 
on,  and  the  knightly  brothers  of  the  bride  still  dodged  him 
around  peach-baskets  and  behind  doors,  he  gradually 
settled  into  hopeless  melancholy,  and  finally  went  home 
to  his  starving  family. 

Not  knowing  where  they  might  get  their  next  meal,  the 
bride  and  her  haughty  lord  ate  heartily ;  giving  me  oppor- 
tunity to  observe  their  happiness  without  peril  of  resent- 
ment for  my  staring.  And,  as  I  studied  the  spacious 
cheek  of  Matilda,  memory  went  back  to   other   days  in 


236  A   WAVERING   ONE. 

the  sunnj  South,  when  I,  myself,  had  been  near  oflfer- 
ing  hand  and  heart  to  a  belle  no  less  worth  ringing.  But, 
alas  I  alas  !  one  evening  I  was 

UNDECEIVED. 

All  hailed  her  a  parlor  Calypso, 

The  Syren  Supreme  of  the  throng, 
Who  dazzled  with  jewels  and  satins, 

And  wooed  as  they  floated  along. 

Her  locks  were  like  night  in  the  tropica, 

Her  brow  shamed  the  lily  in  white; 
Her  eyes  were  two  oceans  of  darkness 

Reflecting  two  oceans  of  light. 

Her  lips  were  the  coraline  portals. 

The  shrine  of  a  heaven  of  bliss, 
That  e'en  might  entice  the  immortals 

To  turn,  and  be  lost  in  a  kiss. 

Her  garment,  in  folds  dropping  lustre 

Trailed  softly  in  ripple  and  curl, 
Seem'd  wrought  from  the  wave  of  a  water 

Whose  azure  had  melted  a  pearl. 

One  hand  reap'd  a  harvest  of  ringlets. 

The  other  ruled  grace  at  her  side; 
Her  form  was  the  form  of  a  maiden. 

In  crown  of  full  womanly  pride. 

I  knew  her  —  had  known  her  from  childhood; 

Yet,  such  is  the  magical  spell 
Of  Beauty  enthroned  o'er  her  subjects, 

I  dared  not  salute  Anabel. 

But  Thoujght  spurns  the  bonds  of  the  human, 

And  e'en  as  I  gazed  at  her  there, 
I  dream'd  of  a  day  in  the  future, 

Of  all  my  young  days  the  most  fair. 


SMOKED    GLASS.  237 

For,  had  she  not  wept  at  our  parting  ? 

And  had  she  not  blush'd  when  we  met 
I  saw  my  white  rose  on  her  bosom, 

And  knew  that  she  could  not  forget. 

'Mid  dancing,  and  gay  conversation. 

And  planning  of  new  lores  around, 
I  stood  there  alone  with  my  idol, 

Like  Silence  ghost-brooding  in  sound. 

What  though  she  smiled  others  to  Heaven 

With  lips  that  were  zephyr'd  with  mirth, 
When  mine  was  the  droop  of  the  lashes 

That  gave  me  my  heaven  on  earth  ! 

At  last,  when  the  voice  of  a  singer 

Came  sweet  through  the  tapestried  door, 
Her  courtiers  took  leave  of  their  Empress, 

And  swept  o'er  the  vel  voted  floor. 

They  left  her  —  she  would  not  go  with  them, 

And  I,  in  the  red  curtain's  glow. 
Was  thrilled  with  such  loving  emotions 

As  none  but  a  lover  can  know. 

I  thought,  in  my  joy,  to  surprise  her; 

But  paused,  as  I  lifted  a  fold. 
And  saw  her  draw  forth  from  her  bosom 

A  quaint  little  casket  of  gold. 

The  horrors  of  jealousy  smote  nje  — 

The  face  of  a  Rival  !     thought  I; 
But  scarce  had  a  minute  flown  over, 

When  moie  was  exposed  to  my  eye. 

The  casket  was  stealthily  opened, 

A  hand  shed  its  whiteness  within. 
And  forth  from  its  secret  recesses 

Brought  something  of  silver,  or  tin. 


238  DISGUSTIBUS  NON   EST   DISPUTANDUM. 

She  dipp'd  it  low  down  in  the  casket  — 

Glanced  anxiously  round,  as  in  foar, 
Then  parted  her  lips  in  a  moment, 

And  plunged  it  between  with  a  smear  ! 

I  saw  it,  recoiling  in  horror  ! 

One  glimpse  of  the  scene  was  enough ; 
The  thing  in  her  mouth  was  a  "  Dipper," 

The  casket,  a  casket  of  snuff. 

Oh  !  what  was  the  glow  of  her  blushes, 

Oh  I  what  was  the  glance  of  her  eye  ? 
The  flush  of  a  deep  dissipation. 

The  fire  that  but  sparkled  to  die  !  ^ 

My  vision  of  loveliness  faded. 

My  passion  was  turn'd  to  disdain; 
I  crept  fi'om  the  place  like  a  shadow, 

And  never  shall  enter  agaiu. 

Ah,  well !  such  memories  have  no  business  at  a  Mun- 
chausen wedding,  my  bo j ;  and  to  the  latter  let  us  return 
without  farther  reminiscence. 

"When  evening  came,  the  great  bell  of  the  chateau  called 
us  out  to  the  lawn,  to  witness  a  surprise  in  the  way  of 
fireworks;  and  when,  at  a  given  signal  from  Captain 
Munchausen,  the  torch  was  apflied  to  a  school-house 
recently  erected  by  vulgar  Yankee  capital  for  the  freed- 
negro  race,  the  display  was  really  areditable. 

Here  let  me  take  leave  of  the  pageant,  while  yet  its 
glory  must  be  dazzling  every  eye.  The  union  of  two 
loving  hearts  is  a  topic  to  which  one  poor  goose-quill 
never  yet  did  justice,  —  a  whole  goose  being  requisite  for 


SMOKED    GLASS.  239 

the  purpose.  Will  these  two  be  any  less  happy  because 
they  must  go  to  the  Almshouse  pretty  soon?  Will  a 
shadow  rest  upon  their  united  lives  because  a  rash  Collec- 
tor of  Income  Taxes  committed  suicide  here  last  cveninir, 
shortly  after  conversing  with  some  of  the.  leading  men  of 
the  place  concerning  their  gains  during  the  .past  year? 
Let  us  hope  not.  Let  us  trust  that,  as  they  gradually 
starve  to  death  —  their  love  for  each  other  as  profound  as 
their  hatred  Df  the  scorpion  North  which  still  refuses  six 
months'  credit,  —  they  may  find  in  each  other's  company 
additional  courage  to  scorn  negro-suffrage  and  heap  fresh 
contumely  upon  the  head  of  any  Northern  man  who  would 
seek  to  rescue  them  from  the  first-mentioned  consummation. 
Yours,  ritually, 

Orpheus  C.  Keer. 


LETTER    XX. 

BECORDISa  A  day's  EXCURSION  UP  THE  POTOMAC ;  ANALYZING  A  STRAW- 
BERRY FESTIVAL,  AND  REPORTING  SOME  OF  THE  ORATIONS  AT  SU8PER 
COLLEGE  COMMENCE3IENT. 

Chipmujtk  Cocbt  House,  June  26,  1868. 

The  human  soul  —  how  sensitive  a  thing  it  is  !  espec- 
ially before  its  owner  hears  from  his  poor  relations,  or  has 
a  wife  subject  to  sick-headache.  How  keenly  alive  it 
is  to  every  impression  of  Change,  even  when  the  latter  is 
not  change  for  five  dollars !  How  quickly  will  it  swell,  or 
collapse,  at  the  least  variation  in  the  chromatic  scales  of 
that  instrument  of  piano  and  forte  emotions  which  we  call 
Home ! 

You  return  to  the  latter  after  the  day's  business ;  and, 
before  you  have  seen  or  spoken  to  a  soul  there,  a  subtle 
sensibility  to  some  unpleasant  change  in  it  comes  sicken- 
ingly  over  you.  In  another  moment  you  detect  a  carpet- 
bag and  bandbox  in  the  hall,  and  then  you  know  that  your 
wife's  mother  has  come  to  spend  a  week  with  you.  Re- 
gaining the  same  Home  after  a  brief  trip  to  the  country, 
there  is  something  in  the  aspect  of  the  very  front-door  that 
inexplicably  impresses  you  with  a  delightful  sense  of  home's 
sweetest  tranquillity.  You  enter,  and  are  informed  that 
your  eldest  unmarriageable  sister-in-law  has  decided  to 

240 


SMOKED    GLASS.  241 

defer  her  visit  until  next  summer.  So  it  is  that  some 
mysterious  intuitive  intelligence  of  the  human  soul  —  that 
possession  coming  by  nature  to  every  man  save  the  New 
Jersey  man  —  detects  the  sadder  and  happier  domestic 
changes  for  us  long  before  the  material  senses  can  act. 
Thus  it  is  that  we  need  no  telling  to  comprehend,  that  the 
man  with  the  pew-bill  has  been  waiting  for  us  in  the 
parlor  nearly  half  an  hour. 

And  how  much  stronger  is  the  vibration  of  this  fine  in- 
stinct, when  the  very  loudest  component  element  of  a  home 
has  gone  out  of  it !  There  has  been  a  Marriage  in  the 
house,  and  the  merest  stranger  asks  no  telling  to  be  aware 
of  it  before  he  has  been  within  the  door  five  minutes. 
There  is  no  more  poking  of  a  head  in  curl-papers  over  the 
baluster  of  the  second-story  stairs  every  time  the  street- 
bell  rings.  There  is  no  more  screeching  of  alternate  hymn- 
verses  and  "Duchess  of  Gerolstein"  hand-organ  airs 
through  the  third-story  hall  until  eleven  o'clock  every  morn- 
ing. There  is  no  more  slapping  of  infant  brothers  to  stop 
their  crying  for  tumbling  downstairs,  and  make  them  learn 
not  to  take  their  sister's  back-hair  oif  the  bureau  and  use 
it  for  a  ball  another  time.  There  is  no  more  driving  of 
nails  (of  her  fingers)  on  the  piano-forte,  with  all  the  par- 
lor-windows open,  at  what  a  merciful  Providence  intended 
to  be  the  quietest  hour  of  the  evening.  There  is  no  more 
standing  on  the  front-stoop  and  taking  three-quarters  of  an 
hour  to  scream  and  giggle  a  good-night  to  the  departing 
Young  Man  already  half-way  to  the  corner,  when  five 

21 


242  A    RAW-OYSTERING   BLADE. 

single  gentlemen  on  the  same  block,  who  must  get  up  at  five 
o'clock  in  the  morning,  are  trying  to  swear  themselves  to 
sleep.  No ;  there  has  been  a  Marriage  in  the  house,  and 
the  yearning  souls  of  the  survivors  plaintively  acknowl- 
edge that  the  cessation  of  so  much  sweetness  and  noise 
makes  it  seem  just  like  Sunday,  at  home. 

The  late  Confederate  pageant  of  a  Ritualistic  marriage 
has  left  the  ancient  chateau  of  the  Munchausens  so  lonely 
for  me  that  I  have  made  a  flying  excursion  to  Succotash 
Court  House,  where  even  orations  by  collegians  are  better 
than  no  noise  at  all.  On  the  morning  after  the  wedding, 
when  Pendragon  Penruthers,  Esquire,  his  bride  and  broth- 
ers-in-law, started  for  a  day's  bridal-tour  of  the  Charitable 
Institutions  of  Chipmunk  Court  House,  Captain  Villiam 
Brown  and  I  were  directed  to  remain  in  the  kitchen  with 
the  aged  seneschal  and  help  clean  the  knives ;  but  Vil- 
liam" s  unhappy  disposition  to  want  nobody  to  get  married 
but  himself  had  made  him  such  poor  company  for  the  oc- 
casion, that  a  sense  of  there  having  been  a  Marriage  in  the 
house  grew  intolerable  to  me,  and  I  suddenly  resolved  to 
take  a  sail  up  the  Potomac  for  the  day.  When  I  told  him 
of  my  determination,  Villiam  was  cleaning  a  costly  cast- 
iron  carving-knife,  which,  as  there  had  been  no  earthly  use 
for  it  in  the  family  since  the  late  Vandal  war,  had  grown 
quite  rusty  —  and  says  he,  — 

"  Go,  my  fren',  and  I  will  continue  the  great  work  of 
Reconstruction  alone  until  your  return.  ''Ah!"  says 
Villiam,  trying  the  highly-tempered  blade  on  his  finger- 


SMOKED    GLASS.  243 

nail,  "  it  is  now  nearly  time  for  our  ten  o'clock  snub,  and 
that  bright  being  is  not  here  to  give  it  to  us." 

Perceiving  that  his  Democratic  Northern  nature  drooped 
in  the  anticipated  absence  of  those  daily  affronts  to  which 
we  were  accustomed,  I  tried  to  comfort  him  with  the  cer- 
tainty that  Lady  Penruthers  would  yet  insult  us  oftener 
than  ever  before  she  finally  went  away  with  her  lord  to  his 
home  in  the  Almshouse ;  and  so  greatly  did  the  assurance 
cheer  him  that,  just  previous  to  my  departure,  he  cleaned 
a  broken  and  very  difficult  fork  in  three  minutes. 

A  brisk  walk  of  about  an  hour  —  through  plantations 
so  covered  with  mortgages  as  to  be  actually  dying  because 
neither  son  nor  heir  could  get  to  them  —  brought  me  to  the 
landing  where  the  Confederate  steamboat,  "  South  C.  Bub- 
ble," built  in  South  Carolina,  awaited  such  passengers  as 
the  captain  was  willing  to  trust  for  their  passage-money. 
The  floating  palace,  in  question,  had  formerly  been  a 
coal-barge;  but  now,  by  aid  of  a  second-hand  cooking- 
stove,  a  tin  clothes-boiler,  a  steam-pipe  from  thence  to  the 
hickory  pistons  of  a  w^alking-beam  which  had  been  in- 
geniously manufactured  from  a  large  wagon-spring,  and  a 
couple  of  U.  S.  ambulance-wheels  at  the  sides,  she  made 
the  best  steamer  that  it  was  possible  to  run  on  credit. 

My  payment  of  my  passage  in  actual  money  threw  the 
entire  crew  into  a  profuse  perspiration,  and  caused  the 
captain  to  exhibit  temporary  signs  of  apoplexy ;  yet,  at 
the  proper  moment,  the  great  naval  commander  was  suf- 
ficiently  recovered   to   mount   one  of  the   wheel-houses, 


244  A   SAUCE   OF  ENJOYMENT. 

(half  a  cheese-box) J  draw  forth  his  galvanized  chronome- 
ter, and  signal  the  engineer  to  turn  on  the  steam  from  the 
clothes-boiler.  Wush-wush-wush-h-h  went  the  ambulance- 
wheels,  high  curled  the  smoke  from  the  stack  of  old  hats 
acting  as  a  smoke-pipe,  and  along  moved  the  majestic 
vessel,  after  the  manner  of  a  dying  swan. 

Perceiving,  from  my  payment  of  fare,  and  the  absence 
of  holes  from  the  elbows  and  knees  of  my  garments,  that 
I  was  a  scorpion  carpet-bagger  from  the  plebeian  North, 
the  company  on  board  did  not  invite  me  to  join  in  the 
games  of  euchre  which  they  were  playing  for  bone-buttons, 
just  abaft  the  mainstay ;  and,  to  keep  myself  in  counte- 
nance, I  soon  repaired  to  the  dissecting-table  of  the  sur- 
geon of  the  ship,  and  nearly  threw  that  glassy  official  into 
a  fit  by  paying  him  to  make  me  a  strawberry  festival. 

In  coarse  Northern  cities,  a  strawberry  festival,  when 
gotten-up  in  aid  of  some  church,  or  charitable  institution, 
is  made  as  follows :  A  glass  vessel,  holding  about  a  pint, 
is  supplied  with  enough  ice  to  preserve  the  fruit,  and  upon 
the  extreme  top  thereof,  two,  and  sometimes  three  straw- 
berries are  carefully  placed.  Then,  a  rich  sauce,  com- 
posed of  sherry,  a  little  brandy,  a  sprig  of  mint,  a  slice 
of  orange,  a  bit  of  pineapple,  and  a  tall,  hollow  straw 
(hence  STRAW-berry  festival),  is  poured  over  the  preserved 
berries,  and  the  festival  is  ready  for  church-members. 
But,  at  the  South,  just  now,  owing  to  a  momentary  differ- 
ence with  the  Rothschilds,  ice  is  too  expensive  to  be  had  ; 
so  the  surgeon  of  the  ship  used  some  fragments  of  broken 


SMOKED    GLASS. 


245 


glass  bottles  instead;  and,  as  his  nearest  approach  to 
sherry  and  brandy  was  some  molasses  and  water,  the 
strawberry  festival  he  made  for  me  was  not  as  stimulating 
as  I  have  known  such  festivals  to  be. 

In  fact,  shortly  after  partaking  of  this  strawberry  festi- 
val, I  was  seized  with  a  serious  sea-sickness ;  and  as  the 
vessel  was  stopping  just  then  at  Succotash  Court  House 
to  land  those  who  had  come  thither  to  attend  the  com- 
mencement of  the  celebrated  Susper  College,  I  too  went 
ashore  to  shake  off  my  illness  by  a  passing  glimpse  of  the 
Confederate  educational  pageant. 

Susper  College  boasts  a  faculty  composed  almost  ex- 
clusively of  Major-General  Southern  Confederacies  who 
have  not  yet  been  hung  for  pointing  and  discharging  dis- 
loyal artillery  against  the  United  States  of  America,  and 
occupies  a  large  wooden  building  situated  upon  one  of  the 
largest  mortgages  in  the  State.  Prior  to  certain  late 
Federal  outrages  upon  a  wealthy  and  chivalrous  people, 
the  Southern  youth,  attending  this  institution  of  learning, 
wore  dress-coats  at  all  hours  of  the  day,  and  spent  nearly 
as  much  money  for  "poker,"  and  other  necessaries  of  life, 
as  would  have  sufficed  to  pay  the  interest  on  their  fathei*' 
debts.  During  the  present  season,  however,  they  are  at- 
tired in  coats  and  continuations,  which  bear  more  rags  to 
the  acre  than  ever  came  before  from  sowing  tares ;  and 
when  a  young  student  of  sixteen,  named  Lieutenant-Col- 
onel Montmorency,  stood  upon  the  ironing-table,  used  as  a 


21* 


246       CHANGE  FOR  DOLOROUS  TROUBLES. 

rostrum,  to  deliver  his  oration,  I  noticed  that  his  coat  was 
fastened  in  front  with  a  wooden  skewer. 

The  orations  were  impassioned,  and  scholarly  appeals  in 
behalf  of  State  rights  and  Southern  sentiment,  showing 
that  what  the  South  now  needs  are  independence  and  capital. 
Colonel  Chilmondely,  a  fervid  young  student  of  thirteeh, 
spoke  of  Virginia  as  the  ^lother  of  Mortgages,  and  drew 
a  fine  ideal  picture  of  the  future  days  when  all  her  debts 
should  be  paid  off,  and  her  railroads  and  her  colleges  able 
to  borrow  some  more  money.  Major  Ilfracombe,  aged 
twelve,  and  wearing  a  brass-headed  nail  for  a  scarf-pin. 
spoke  eloqueutly  of  the  State-debt,  which,  he  said,  like 
the  mighty  Mississippi  emptying  into  the  sea,  emptied  into 
the  Bankrupt  Act. 

Captain  Penremington,  aged  nine  years,  urged  his 
brethren  to  go  boldly  forth  from  College  into  the  North, 
and  demand  —  ay,  demand  !  six  months'  credit.  The 
time  had  now  arrived  when  the  South  should  assert  her- 
self, and,  —  in  helm  and  with  spear,  if  necessary,  —  claim 
her  share  of  the  ill-gotten  wealth  of  the  North.  (Great 
sensation.)  Let  the  South  say  to  the  North,  —  "  We  do 
not  want  you  yourselves  with  us ;  but  we  have  need  of 
your  small  change,  to  develop  our  great  resources  (tre- 
mendous enthusiasm),  to  educate  and  exterminate  our  ser- 
vile population,  and  to  prepare  ourselves  for  another  and 
mightier  struggle  with  your  vandal  military  scorpions." 
(Prolonged   cheers.)      Then,   after   obtaining   the   small 


SMOKED    GLASS. 


247 


change,  who  could  doubt  that  the  renovated  and  newly 
armed  South  would 

''  As  victor  exult,  or  in  debt  be  laid  low, 
With  her  note  for  six  months  in  the  hands  of  the  foe; 
And,  leaving  in  bottle  no  drop  as  it  came, 
Demand  a  new  deal  and  begin  a  new  game." 

When  the  enthusiastic  applause  had  subsided,  General . 
Hardupton,  of  South  Carolina,  mounted  the  ironing-table, 
and   proceeded  to  address  the  Literary  Societies  of  the 
College  upon  the  "Duties  of  Citizenship."     He  told  the 
students  that,  as  citizens  of  the  Republic,  it  would  be  their 
first  duty  to  be  devoted  exclusively  to  their  own  State, 
which,  upon  the  whole,  was  the  only  State  in  the  Union 
worth  mentioning.     Let  them  remember  her  host  of  noble 
sons,  who   comprised   all  the  United  States'   Presidents 
worth  speaking  about.     At  present,  she  was  pecuniarily 
embarrassed,  but  would  yet  pass  (should  the  Bankrupt 
Act  be  proved  Constitutional)  from  debt  into  life.     In  con- 
clusion, he  solemnly  warned  the  young  man  against  ever 
" playing  policy"  to  the  detriment  of  their  principal.     If 
the  temptation  beset  them,  let  them  go  into  the  nearest 
cemetery  and  consider  the  examples  of  those  who  had  pre- 
ferred to  be  taken  by  the  knave  of  spades  and  await  the 
last  trump.* 

At  the  conclusion  of  these  interesting  exercises  the  en- 

*See  address  of  rebel  General  Wade  Hampton,  at  the  recent  «« Commence- 
ment" of  General  Lee's  Washington  College,  Va. 


248  TO   TRUST   WERE    CREDIT-ABLE. 

thusiasm  was  unbounded,  —  some  of  the  worst  straw  hats  I 
ever  saw  (made  chiefly  from  the  covers  of  market-baskets) 
being  waved  in  the  air,  while  the  Lidies  as  energetically 
fluttered  the  ends  of  pillow-cases  which  they  carried  as 
handkerchiefs. 

Depend  upon  it,  my  boy,  this  proud  people  only  need 
be  trusted  in  order  to  become  nearly  as  great  a  comfort  to 
us  as  they  ever  were  before.  Between  sections,  as  between 
individuals,  there  can  be  no  real  love  without  trust ;  and 
when  next  your  Southern  brethren  come  walking  scornfully 
into  your  vulgar  Northern  stores  and  boarding-houses, 
TRUST  them,  for  six  months  at  least;  and  you  will  surely 
get  your  pay,  —  if  not  in  this,  why,  then,  in  another  and 
a  better  world  to  which  we  are  all  hastening. 
Yours,  mediatingly, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 


.LETTER    XXI. 

WHICH    DILATES  UPON    THE  MILITARY  MIND    AS    AFFECTED   BY  SOUTHERN 

experience;    snows   how  a   deserving   southern  unionist   was 

FEARFULLY  AND  WONDERFULLY  TRIED  BY  MACKEREL  COURT-MARTIAL  J 
AND  EXPLAINS  HOW  CAPTAIN  MUNCHAUSEN,  BEING  RECONSTRUCTED, 
SENT  GREETINGS  TO  THE  UNITED  STATES  OF  AMERICA  AND  TERMINATED 
THIS  EVENTFUL  HISTORY. 

CHiraniNu  Court  House,  June 30, 1868. 

To  the  military  mind,  withdrawn  from  contemplation  of 
the  ensanguined  field  through  a  spy-glass,  and  informed 
upon  application  that  there  are  no  immediate  vacancies  in 
the  Custom  House,— there  is  nothing  more  profoundly 
interesting  than  the  spectacle  of  a  superior  people  gradual- 
ly rising  from  their  first  unmitigated  astonishment  at  de- 
feat, and  rapidly  regaining  their  original  largeness  of  im- 
pressive shirt-collar.  The  military  mind,  I  say,  in  its  few 
instances  of  not  being  called  immediately  after  a  war  to 
illuminate  the  office  of  Governor  or  Secretary  of  State, 
finds  a  weird  fascination  in  this  development  of  a  high-toned 
characteristic  of  superior  blood,  and  has  been  known  upon 
certain  garrison  occasions  to  grovel  ecstatically  before  so 
much  renewed  immensity  of  aspect.  The  mechanical  effects 
of  martial  discipline,  and  some  remembrance  of  having  tend- 
ed a  restaurant  in  earlier  life,  frequently  conduce  to  make 
the  American  Military  mind  exquisitely  sensitive  to  that 

249 


250  BLACK-AND-GREEN-TIES. 

peremptory  demand  for  an  attached  waiter  which  continu- 
ally effulges  from  a  dress-coat  mien  sufficiently  overbear- 
ing; and  many  a  brass-buttoned  brigadier  of  our  invinci- 
ble army  has  paused,  as  commandant,  in  some  refined 
Southern  town  of  his  conquest,  only  to  fall  a  prostrate  valet 
before  the  large-sized  demeanor  of  its  most  insulting  and 
respectable  citizens. 

These  reflections  coursed  pleasantly  through  my  mind, 
and  caused  me  to  wink  knowingly  with  my  mind's  eye,  as 
I  stood  in  the  little  encampment,  on  the  lawn  of  the  cha- 
teau, and  listened  to  the  talk  of  our  reconstructing  Nation- 
al troops.  There  was  one  Mackerel  cheerfully  trying  the 
range  of  his  gun,  by  firing  a  few  experimental  bullets  at  a 
member  of  the  freed-negro  race  on  an  adjacent  fence;  and, 
just  as  the  redeemed  freedman  put  down  his  hoe-cake  on  a 
post  to  see  what  was  in  his  hat,  he  turned  immediately  to 
another  Mackerel,  and  says  he,  — 

''It's  naygurs,  the  like  of  him  convanient  to  the  fince, 
that  they  kape  us  here  to  purtect,  whin  the  war's  over  intire- 
ly.  An,  sure,  why  couldn't  they  lave  the  black  cray- 
tures  to  the  gintleman  that  ouns  them,  and  lave  us  to  go 
home  an'  vote?" 

The  other  Mackerel  stopped  dealing  out  rations  to  the 
aged  seneschal,  who  had  just  come  with  a  basket  for  the 
Munchausen  family-breakfast,  and  says  he,  — 

"  Why,  Antonio,  nobody  ouns  them  now.  They're  free, 
and  will  be  a  comin'  and  takin'  the  bread  out  of  our  mouths 
next." 


SMOKED    GLASS.  251 

Antonio  only  paused  a  moment,  to  kick  the  seneschal, 
and  says  he,  — 

"It's  bate  them  I  would,  if  I  was  the  gintleman,  and 
then  see  if  it's  us  white  min  that  would  interfere.  Ah, 
but  it's  the  -rale  gintleman  he  is,  up  at  the  house  yonder  ; 
an'  I've  not  seen  the  like  of  him  since  I  came  over.  He 
doesn't  be  spakin'  to  common  folks  the  like  of  us,  at  all, 
sure ;  and  that  was  the  way  with  Lord  Dunlaff  when  I 
tinded  his  horses  at  home." 

I  turned  from  the  spot,  musingly,  my  boy,  and  it  oc- 
curred to  me  that  there  is  possibly  a  greater  capacity  for 
popular  influence  in  cheek  than  in  mouth. 

But  why  lingers  my  pen  around  these  beautiful  inci- 
dents, like  a  bee  around  flowers,  when  the  stern  duty  of 
the  historian  requires  it  to  skip  all  the  fragrant  poetry  of 
human  nature,  and  make  note  only  of  its  scents-less  pros 
and  cons  ?  Why  dallies  my  forgetful  quill  with  what  may 
be  termed  foreign  phlox,  when  it  should  be  busy  with  some- 
thing closely  approximate  to  its  native  goose? 

Let  Themis  —  Titanic  Goddess,  as  Hesiod  would  have 
her  —  shrink  to  the  dimensions  of  a  little  girl  with  a  ' '  chig- 
non, ' '  and  hide  her  increased  head,  while  I  relate  to  an  excited 
universe  the  details  of  Captain  Villiam  Brown's  court-mar- 
tial-inquest, in  the  case  of  a  Southern  Union  man  of  Chip- 
munk, accused  of  having  remarked,  that  he  cared  not 
what  others  might  say,  but,  as  for  him,  give  him  liberty 
or  give  him  death. 

It  did  not  appear  that  this  observation  had  any  particular 


252        THE  COUNSEL  OF  THE  WICKED. 

application  to  anything  excessively  national ;  in  fact,  the 
said  observation  was  believed  by  some  to  have  been  merely 
a  quotation  from  Patrick  Henry,  and  having  reference 
solely  to  a  question  of  African  choice  between  emancipation 
and  freedom;  but  Villiam  at  once  convened  a  Mackerel 
court-martial  in  the  back  kitchen,  with  an  intelligent 
Mackerel  for  Judge  Advocate ;  and  when  the  prisoner  was 
brought  in  with  his  counsel,  Villiam  frowned  majestically 
upon  him  from  the  mangle,  and  says  he,  — 

"Prisoner  at  the  refrigerator,  you  are  arraigned  on  a 
charge  of  having  uttered  incendiary  words,  and  are  here 
to  take  your  trial  for  better  or  worse.  Have  you  any 
reason  to  show  why  sentence  of  death  should  not  be  pro- 
nounced upon  you  ?  " 

Here  the  counsel  for  the  defence  arose  hastily  from  a 
wash-tub,  and  says  he,  — 

"Now  this  is  really — " 

"Silence,  sarah!"  says  Villiam,  sternly,  "and  don't 
try  to  bully  this  court,  which  knows  more  about  law," 
says  Villiam,  emphatically,  '  ^  than  ever  you  read  of  in  Story. 
You  musn't  try  any  of  your  bullying  here,  sarah!" 

The  counsel  for  the  defence  merely  wished  to  state  — 

The  Judge  Advocate  suggested  that  it  was  scarcely 
worth  while  to  heed  this  wretched  man's  miserable  drivel; 
but  if  the  convicted  traitor  at  the  refrigerator  would  not 
at  once  confess  himself  guilty  of  arson  against  the  gov- 
ernment, the  witnesses  must  appear. 

Therefore,  J.  Smith,  being  duly  sworn,  testified  that  he 


SMOKED    GLASS.  253 

had  known  the  prisoner  at  the  refrigerator  for  some  time, 
and  always  believed  him  to  be  a  fiend  in  human  form;  had 
frequently  supposed  him  to  be-  a  brute  in  human  shape, 
and  remembered  he  had  once  asked  a  man  at  a  deaf  and 
dumb  asylum  if  he  did  not  think  so  too.  Could  not  tell 
precisely  the  hour  on  each  day  when  he  had  spoken  of  the 
accused  as  a  demon  in  Human  habiliments,  but  thought  it 
was  every  hour;  the  prisoner  had  owed  him  four  dollars 
and  a  half  for  three  years. 

Counsel  for  defence  put  on  his  spectacles,  and  says  he,  — 
''But  how  did—" 

Here  the  Judge  Advocate  wished  to  inform  the  carica- 
ture of  humanity  then  speaking,  that  he  must  not  try  any 
of  his  low  bullying  here,  because  it  wouldn't  do.  He 
must  not  attempt  to  intimidate  this  court  with  his  vapor- 
ings. 

The  following  witness,  Alonzo  Tubbs,  being  sworn, 
deposed  that  he  had  known  the  prisoner  at  the  refrigerator 
four  years,  and  must  admit  that  he  regarded  him  as  a  mon- 
ster in  human  guise;  had  at  times  pronounced  him  to  be  a 
modern  Nero,  and  often  thought  he  resembled  a  wolf  in 
sheep's  clothing;  had  spoken  to  prisoner  once  as  to  the 
feasibility  of  his  lending  seven  shillings  for  a  few  days,  and 
had  been  refused  in  traitorous  language. 

The  counsel  for  the  defence  drew  a  paper  from  one  of 
his  pockets,  and  says  he, — 

"Will  the  witness  inform  the  court  — " 
The  Judge  Advocate  desired  to  know  whether  tlie  rav- 
22 


254  PRONOUNCES   HIS   OWN   SENTENCE. 

ings  of  the  maddened  blusterer  then  howling  were  to  be 
longer  permitted  ?  He  must  be  taught  that  this  was  no 
place  to  bring  his  threatening  airs.  His  braggadocia  would 
not  do  here. 

Abel  Drinker,  being  properly  sworn,  stated  that  he  had 
known  deceased  often,  and  believed  the  counsel  for  the  de- 
fence to  be  capable  of  any  crime  when  under  the  influence 
of  liquor  — 

Here  the  counsel  for  the  defence  tore  his  hair,  and  says 
he, — 

' '  I  protest  against  — ' ' 

"Silence,  sarah!"  says  Yilliam,  "or  I'll  try  you  for 
the  assassination  of  your  father.  You  can't  bully  this 
court,  Sarah! " 

The  Judge  Advocate  could  not  pause  to  mention  that 
the  calumnious  pettifogger  had  several  times  attempted  the 
life  of  his  mother,  but  would  consent  to  the  introduction 
of  his  first  witness  —  not  in  obedience  to  any  of  his  bully- 
ing, though. 

Doctor  Gigby,  being  sworn,  affirmed  that  he  had  attended 
the  prisoner  at  the  refrigerator  during  a  recent  illness, 
during  which  the  said  prisoner  had  complained  of  seeing 
monkeys;  at  one  stage  of  the  disease  heard  him  say  "Our 
noble  President"  very  distinctly  — 

"Ah!"  says  Yilliam,  with  such  a  start  that  he  nearly 
fell  into  the  mangle,  "what  was  that?" 

"He  said,  'Our  noble  President'  very  distinctly." 

"Hum!"   says  Yilliam.      "If  he  said  that,  sarah,  I 


SMOKED    GLASS.  255 


hereby  squash  the  indictment,  and  declare  him  man  and 
wife.     Let  the  counsel  for  the  defence  be  committed  for  a 

further  hearing." 

And,  the  court  being  therefore  instantly  dissolved,  we 
repaired  to  the  salle  a  manger,  wliere  Captain  Munchausen, 
Matilda,  P.  Penruthers,  the  Provisional  Governor,  and  an 
ax-ed  Confederacy  (^vho  introduced  the  stately  fashion  of 
wearing  an  overcoat  and  muffler  indoors,  by  reason  of  being 
temporarily  deficient  in  the  frock-coat  and  shirt-collar  de- 
partment), awaited  us  at  the  groaning  supper-board. 

"Gen-til-men,"  said  the  Provisional  Governor,  disguis- 
in<r  a  sneer  in  a  highly  unnatural  cough,  "  let  me  introduce 
General  Lately  (as  slightly  distinguished  from  General 
Early),  ^vhom  we  propose  to  install  as  President  of  Cotton 
Seminary  to-morrow." 

"Hum'"  says  Villiam,  attentively  eying  the  aged 
strancer  through  his  bit  of  Smoked  Glass.  "Methinks  I 
have°seen  that  being  behind  a  musket,  propellmg  glossy 
missiles  toward  the  United  States  of  America." 

"You  have,  my  man,"  responded  the  venerable  Wash- 
ington, in  a  deep  bass  tone;  "but  I  am  now  a  cultivator  of 
earth's  teeming  bosom,  and  have  forgiven  everythmg.  1 
have  advised  those  who  have  surrendered  their  muskets,  to 
fire  no  more  at  present;  but  rather  to  give  up  slavery  tor 
the  time  being,  and  pay  the  freedmen  si.K  dollars  yearly  for 

their  labor."  . 

"  And  I  "  said  the  Provisional  Governor,  returnmg  trom 
a  brief  absence,  "  have  just  directed  the  troops  on  the  lawn 


256  BLOOD    WILL.    "  TELL." 

to  march  away  at  once,  by  authority  of  our  noble  Presi- 
dent ;  for  my  brother  is  now  sufficiently  reconstructed  to 
dispense  with  the  military — who,"  said  the  Governor, 
casually,  ''  have  been  ordered  to  leave  their  rations  behind 
with  our  seneschal." 

''Furthermore,"  exclaimed  Captain  Munchausen,  rising 
with  dignity  from  a  plate  of  biscuit  marked  "U.  S."  — 
''furthermore,  my  sister  can  no  longer  endure  the  pres- 
ence of  Vandals  drenched  in  the  gore  of  her  forefathers, 
and  your  immediate  flight  from  the  chateau  will  be  a  cause 
of  family  congratulation." 

Here  Matilda  turned  toward  us,  so  that  we  could  see 
the  new  buttons  on  her  dress;  and  a  dreary  voice,  which 
seemed  to  say  something  about  "them  nasty  Yankees," 
was  heard  to  float  tenderly  upon  the  twilight  air. 

Yilliam  and  I  moved  simultaneously  toward  the  door, 
and  says  Villiam,  — 

"  Tell  me,  sarah,  what  message  shall  we  convey  to  the 
United  States  of  America?" 

"Tell  them,  "  said  Captain  Munchausen  advancing,  sup- 
ported by  the  Provisional  Governor  and  the  aged  Con- 
federacy, who  had  just  hauled  a  couple  of  muskets  from 
under  the  table,  "tell  them  that  Munchausen  is  fully 
reconstructed,  and  will  shortly  demand  a  bottle  of  Pardon 
for  the  patriot  Jefierson  Davis." 

'  •  But,  my  Chevalier  Bayard, ' '  said  I,  in  bewilderment, 
"this  Reconstruction  is  only  a  Congressional  experiment." 


SMOKED    GLASS.  257 

''Tell  them,"  said  Captain  Munchausen,  suddenly  struck 
with  extreme  deafness,  "that  the  sunny  South  oflfers  peace 
to  the  whole  country,  and  will  shortly  be  prepared  (in  con- 
sideration of  a  few  rations  and  six  months'  credit  for  female 
wearing  apparel),  to  recognize  the  North  as  equals." 


It  rained  drearily  as  Captain  Villiam  Brown  and  I  set 
out  to  overtake  the  conic  section  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade, 
already  on  its  march  for  the  railway  station ;  and  as  the 
great  drops  drove  each  other  through  my  clothing,  I  ear- 
nestly wished  for  at  least  as  much  pardon  in  a  tumbler  as 
would  refract  a  spoon.  I  mentioned  as  much  to  Villiam, 
and  says  he,  — 

"  Pardons,  my  fren',  as  there  is  no  bar  to  them  in  this 
sunny  clime,  and  as  they  seem  to  be  dispensed  in  accord- 
ance with  the  lick  'er  law — Ah!"  says  Villiam,  paus- 
ing suddenly,   "  what's  this?  " 

It  was  a  miserably  dilapidated  roadside  house,  through 
the  windows  of  which  a  feeble  light  and  the  voices  of  men 
singing  came  out  upon  the  thickening  darkness  of  the 
night.  Moving  softly  to  the  half-open  door,  we  looked  in, 
and  beheld  many  members  of  the  freed-negro  race  kneeling, 
in  the  wretched  room,  around  the  figure  of  a  one-armed 
sable  soldier  of  the  Union,  who,  holding  a  lighted  tallow 
candle  in  his  only  hand,  beat  time  with  it  to  the  supplica- 
tion all  were  singing.  Here  and  there  in  the  kneeling 
congregation  appeared  the  blue  uniform  which,  in  every 

22* 


258  THE   GOD    OF   ABRAHAM. 

other  attitude  than  that,  had  stood  out  a  score  of  times  in 
the  red  flash  of  battle ;  and,  as  the  voices  of  homely  praise 
and  prayer  went  up  to  Him  who  no  less  gave  blackness  to 
the  raven  than  whiteness  to  the  goose,  I  thought  it  was 
fitting  that  the  light,  in  its  intoning  rise  and  fall,  should 
alternately  call  from  the  shadows  of  a  far  corner  and  re- 
store to  them  again  the  bust  of  Abraham  Lincoln. 
Yours,  reverently, 

Orpheus  C.  Kerr. 


APPENDIX. 


APPENDIX. 

• 

I. 

OPENINO    ARGUMENT    OF     MANAGER,    THE     HON.    B.   F.    BUTLER,     IN    THE 
HIGH  COURT  OF  IMPEACHMENT,  MONDAY,  MARCH  30,  1868. 

Mr.  President  and  Gentlemen  of  the  Senate  :  — 
The  onerous  duty  has  fallen  to  my  fortune  to  present  to 
you,  imperfectly  as  I  must,  the  several  propositions  of  fact 
and  the  law  upon  which  the  House  of  Representatives  will 
endeavor  to  sustain  the  cause  of  the  people  against  the 
President  of  the  United  States,  now  pending  at  your  bar. 

The  high  station  of  the  accused,  the  novelty  of  the  pro- 
ceeding, the  gravity  of  the  business,  the  importance  of  the 
questions  to  be  presented  to  your  adjudication,  the  possible 
momentous  result  of  the  issues,  each  and  all  must  plead 
for  me  to  claim  your  attention  for  as  long  a  time  as  your 
patience  may  endure. 

Now,  for  the  first  time  in  the  history  of  the  world,  has 
a  nation  brought  before  its  highest  tribunal  its  chief  ex- 
ecutive magistrate  for  trial  and  possible  deposition  from 
office,  upon  charges  of  maladministration  of  the  powers  and 
duties  of  that  office.  In  other  times,  and  in  other  lands, 
it  has  been  found  that  despotisms  could  only  be  tempered 
by  assassination,  and  nations  living  under  constitutional 
governments  even,   have  found  no  mode  by  which  to  rid 

2G1 


262  OUR   OWN   STEP   FARTHER. 

themselves  of  a  tyrannical,  imbecile,  or  faithless  ruler, 
save  bj  overturning  the  very  foundation  and  framework 
of  the  government  itself.  And,  but  recently,  in  one  of 
the  most  civilized  and  powerful  governments  of  the  world, 
from  which  our  own  institutions  have  been  largely  mod- 
elled, we  have  seen  a  nation  submit  for  years  to  the  rule 
of  an  insane  king,  because  its  constitution  contained  no 
method  for  his  removal. 

Our  fathers,  more  wisely,  founding  our  government, 
have  provided  for  such  and  all  similar  exigencies  a  con- 
servative, effectual,  and  practical  remedy  by  the  constitu- 
tional provision  that  the  ^'President,  Vice-President,  and 
all  civil  officers  of  the  United  States  sliall  be  removed  from 
office  on  impeachment  for  and  conviction  of  treason,  bribery, 
or  other  high  crimes  and  misdemeanors."  The  Constitu- 
tion left  nothing  to  implication,  either  as  to  the  persons 
upon  whom,  or  the  body  by  whom,  or  the  tribunal  before 
which,  or  the  offences  for  w^hich,  or  the  manner  in  which 
this  high  power  should  be  exercised ;  each  and  all  are  pro- 
vided for  by  express  words  of  imperative  command. 

But  a  single  incident  only  of  the  business  was  left  to 
construction,  and  that  concerns  the  offences  or  incapacities 
which  are  the  groundwork  of  impeachment.  This  was 
wisely  done,  because  human  foresight  is  inadequate,  and 
human  intelligence  fails  in  the  task  of  anticipating  and 
providing  for,  by  positive  enactment,  all  the  infinite  grada- 
tions of  human  wrong  and  sin,  by  which  the  liberties  of  a 


APPENDIX.  263 

people  and  the  safety  of  a  nation  may  be  endangered  from 
the  imbecility,  corruption,  and  unhallowed  ambition  of  its 
rulers. 

It  may  not  be  uninstructive  to  observe  that  the  framers 
of  the  Constitution,  while  engaged  in  their  glorious  and,  I 
trust,  ever-enduring  work,  had  their  attention  aroused  and 
their  minds  quickened  most  signally  upon  this  very  topic. 
In  the  previous  year  only  Mr.  Burke,  from  his  place  in 
the  House  of  Commons  in  England,  had  preferred  charges 
for  impeachment  against  Warren  Hastings,*and  three  days 
before  our  convention  sat  he  was  impeached  at  the  bar  of 
the  House  of  Lords  for  misbehavior  in  office  as  the  ruler 
of  a  people  whose  numbers  were  counted  by  millions.  The 
mails  were  then  bringing  across  the  Atlantic  week  by  week 
the  eloquent  accusations  of  Burke,  the  gorgeous  and  burn- 
ing denunciations  of  Sheridan,  in  behalf  of  the  oppressed 
people  of  India,  against  one  who  had  wielded  over  them 
more  than  regal  power.  May  it  not  have  been  that  the 
trial  then  in  progress  was  the  determining  cause  why  the 
framers  of  the  Constitution  left  the  description  of  offences 
because  of  which  the  conduct  of  an  officer  might  be  in- 
quired of  to  be  defined  by  the  laws  and  usages  of  Parlia- 
ment, as  found  in  the  precedents  of  the  mother  country, 
with  which  our  fathers  were  as  familiar  as  we  are  with  our 
own  ? 

In  the  light,  therefore,  of  these  precedents,  the  question 
arises,  JVJiat  are  impeachable  offences  under  the  provis- 
ions of  our  Constitution  ? 


264  CHRISTIAN   SENTIMENTS. 

I  pray  leave  to  lay  before  you,  at  the  close  of  my  argu- 
ment, a  brief  of  all  the  precedents  and  authorities  upon  this 
subject,  in  both  countries,  for  which  I  am  indebted  to  the 
exhaustive  and  learned  labors  of  my  friend,  the  honorable 
William  Lawrence,  of  Ohio,  member  of  the  Judiciary  Com- 
mittee of  the  House  of  Representatives,  in  which  I  fully 
concur  and  which  I  adopt. 

We  define,  therefore,  an  impeachable  high  crime  or 
misdemeanor  to  be  one  in  its  nature  or  consequences 
sicbversive  of  §bine  fundamental  or  essential  jprincij^le 
of  government  J  or  highly  prejudicial  to  the  public  in- 
terest^ and  this  may  consist  of  a  violation  of  the  Con- 
stitution,  of  law,  of  an  official  oath,  or  of  duty,  by  an 
act  committed  or  omitted,  or,  without  violating  a  posi- 
tive law,  by  the  abuse  of  discretionary  powers  from  im- 
proper motives,  or  from  any  improper  purpose. 

The  first  criticism  which  will  strike  the  mind  on  a 
cursory  examination  of  this  definition  is,  that  some  of  the 
enumerated  acts  are  not  within  the  common-law  definition 
of  crimes.  .  . 

Mr.  Christian,  in  his  notes  to  the  Commentaries  of 
Blackstone,  explains  the  collocation  and  use  of  the  words 
'^  high  crimes  and  misdemeanors  "  by  saying,  — 

^'  When  the  words  '  high  .crimes  and  misdemeanors  '  are 
used  in  prosecutions  by  impeachment,  the  words  '  high 
crimes  '  have  no  definite  signification,  but  are  used  merely 
to  give  greater  solemnity  to  the  charge." 

One  of  the  important  questions  which  meets  us  at  the 


APPENDIX.  265 

outset  is  :  Is  this  proceeding  a  trial,  as  that  term  is  under- 
stood so  far  as  relates  to  the  rights  and  duties  of  a  court 
and  jury  upon  an  indictment  for  crime  ?  Is  it  not  rather 
more  in  the  nature  of  an  inquest  of  office  ? 

The  Constitution  seems  to  have  determined  it  to  be  the 
latter,  because,  under  its  provisions  the  right  to  retain 
and  hold  office  is  the  only  subject  that  can  be  finally  ad- 
judicated ;  all  preliminary  inquiry  being  carried  on  solely 
to  determine  the  question  and  that  alone.     .. 

A  constitutional  tribunal  solely,  you  are  bound  by  no 
law,  either  statute  or  common,  which  may  limit  your  con- 
stitutional prerogative.  You  consult  no  precedents  save 
those  of  the  law  and  custom  of  parliamentary  bodies.  You 
are  a  law  unto  yourselves,  bound  only  by  the  natural  prin- 
ciples of  equity  andjustice,  and  that  solus  populi  siqjrema 
est  lex.   .....•••• 

The  first  eight  articles  set  out  in  several  distinct  forms 
the  acts  of  the  respondent  in  removing  Mr.  Stanton  from 
office  and  appointing  Mr.  Thomas  ad  interim,  diffiaring  in 
legal  effect  in  the  purposes  for  which  and  the  intent  with 
which  either  or  both  of  the  acts  were  done,  and  the  legal 
duties  and  rights  infringed,  and  the  acts  of  Congress  vio- 
lated in  so  doing.     All  the  articles  allege  these  act§  to  be 
in  contravention  of  his  oath  of  office,  and  in  disregard  of  the 
duties  thereof.     If  they  are  so,   however,  the  President 
might  have  the  j)^^-^^^^^  to  ^^  t^^^  under  the  law ;  still, 
being  so  done,  they  are  acts  of  official  misconduct,  and,  as 
we  have  seen,  impeachable.         ..... 

23 


266  CONGRESSIONAL   POW-WOW-ER. 

This,  then,  is  the  plain  and  inevitable  issue  before  the 
Senate  and  the  American  people  :  Has  the  President,  un- 
der the  Constitution,  the  more  than  kingly  prerogative 
at  will  to  remove  from  office,  and  suspend  from  office  in- 
definitely, all  executive  officers  of  the  United  States, 
either  civil,  military,  or  naval,  at  any  and  all  times,  and 
fill  the  vacancies  with  creatures  of  his  own  appointment, 
for  his  own  purposes,  without  any  restraint  whatever,  or 
possibility  of  restraint  by  the  Senate  or  by  Congress 
through  laws  duly  enacted  ?  The  House  of  Representa- 
tives, in  behalf  of  the  people,  join  this  issue  by  affirming 
that  the  exercise  of  such  powers  is  a  high  misdemeanor  in 
office.  If  the  affirmation  is  maintained  by  the  respondent, 
then,  so  far  as  the  first  eighi;  articles  are  concerned,  —  un- 
less such  corrupt  purposes  are  shown  as  will  of  themselves 
make  the  exercise  of  a  legal  power  a  crime,  —  the  respon- 
dent must  go,  and  ought  to  go,  quit  and  free.  Therefore, 
by  these  articles  and  the  answers  thereto,  the  momentous 
question,  here  and  now,-  is  raised  whether  the  Presidential 
office  itself  {if  it  has  the  prerogatives  and  power  claimed 
for  if)  ought,  in  fact,  to  exist  as  a  23art  of  the  constitu- 
tional government  of  a  free  people,  while  by  the  last 
three  articles  the  simpler  and  less  important  inquiry  is  to 
be  determined,  w^hether  Andrew  Johnson  has  so  conducted 
himself  that  he  ought  longer  to  hold  any  constitutional 
office  whatever.  The  latter  sinks  to  merited  insignificance 
compared  with  the  grandeur  of  the  former.  If  that  is 
sustained,  then  a  right  and  power  hitherto  unclaimed  and 


APPENDIX.  267 

unknown  to  the  people  of  the  country  is  engrafted  on  the 
Constitution,  most  alarming  in  its  extent,  most  corrupting 
in  its  influence,  most  dangerous  in  its  tendencies,  and  most 
tyrannical  in  its  exercise.  Whoever,  therefore,  votes 
"not  guilty"  on  these  articles,  votes  to  enchain  our  free 
institutions,  and  to  prostrate  them  at  the  feet  of  any  man 
who,  being  President,  may  choose  to  control  them. 

Article  ninth  charges  that  Major-General  Emory  being 
in  command  of  the  military  department  of  Washington,  the 
President  called  him  before  him  and  instructed  him  that 
the  act  of  March  2,  1867,  which  provides  that  all  orders 
from  the  President  shall  be  issued  through  the  General  of 
the  army,  was  unconstitutional  and  inconsistent  with  his 
commission,  with  intent  to  induce  Emory  to  take  orders 
directly  from  himself,  and  thus  hinder  the  execution  of  the 
Civil  Tenure  act,  and  to  prevent  Mr.  Stanton  from  holding 
his  office  of  Secretary  of  War.  If  the  transaction  set 
forth  in  this  article  stood  alone,  we  might  well  admit  that 
doubts  might  arise  as  to  the  sufficiency  of  the  proof.  But 
the  surroundings  are  so  pointed  and  significant  as  to  leave 
no  doubt  on  the  mind  of  an  impartial  man  as  to  the  intents 

and  purposes  of  the  President Is  it  not  a 

high  misdemeanor  for  the  President  to  assume  to  instruct 
the  officers  of  the  army  that  the  laws  of  Congress  are  not 
to  be  obeyed?         ....... 

Article  ten  alleges  that,  intending  to  set  aside  the  right- 
ful authority  and  powers  of  Congress,  and  to  bring  into 


268  BROAD-AXIOM. 

diso^race  and  contempt  the  Congress  of  the  United  States, 
and  to  destroy  confidence  in  and  excite  odium  against  Con- 
gress and  its  laws,  he,  Andrew  Johnson,  President  of  the 
United  States,  made  divers  speeches  set  out  therein, 
whereby  he  brought  the  office  of  President  into  contempt, 
ridicule,  and  disgrace.  ..... 

It  may  be  taken  as  an  axiom  in  the  affairs  of  nations 
that  no  usurper  has  ever  seized  upon  the  legislature  of  his 
country  until  he  has  familiarized  the  people  with  the 
possibility  of  so  doing  by  vituperating  and  decrying  it. 
Denunciatory  attacks  upon  the  legislature  have  always 
preceded ;  slanderous  abuse  of  the  individuals  composing  it 
has  always  accompanied  a  seizure  by^  a  despot  of  the  leg- 
islative power  of  a  country.  .... 

The  House  of  Representatives  has  done  its  duty.  We 
has  presented  the  facts  in  the  constitutional  manner ;  we 
have  brought  the  criminal  to  your  bar,  and  demand  judg- 
ment at  your  hands  for  his  so  great  crimes. 
I  speak,  therefore,  not  the  language  of  exaggeration,  but 
the  words  of  truth  and  soberness,  that  the  future  political 
welfare  and  liberties  of  all  men  hang  trembling  on  the 
decision  of  the  hour. 


APPENDIX.  269 


II. 

TESTIMONY    IN   THE   IMPEACHMENT   CASE. 

Geokge  W.  Kaesener,  of  Delaware,  testified  that  he  was 
an  old  acquaintance  of  General  Thomas,  and  that  he  saw 
him,  about  the  Yth  of  March,  at  a  hall,  and  told  him  that 
"the  eyes  of  all  Delaware"  were  upon  him,  and  that  he 
would  be  expected  to  stand- firm.  General  Thomas  replied 
that  in  a  day  or  two  he  would  "kick  that  fellow  out;  "  by 
which  the  witness  thought  he  referred  to  Mr.  Stanton      ^^ 

William  N.  Hudson,  editor  of  the  "  Cleveland  Leader, 
testified  to  the  general  accuracy  of  the  report  made  by  him, 
in  connection  with  another  reporter,  of  the  speech  made  by 
President  Johnson  in  Cleveland  on  the  3d  of  September, 
1866     The  report  made  by  this  witness  was  made  m  long- 
hand, and  he  was  subjected  to  a  strict  cross-examination  as 
to  his  ability  to  report  correctly  by  that  method,     ihe 
witness  said  that  the  President  was  frequently  interrupted 
by  the  cheers,  hisses,  and  cries  of  the  crowd  during  the 
delivery  of  his  speech. 
23* 


270  CASES  or  whine. 

III. 

The  Washington  correspondent  of  the  ''New  York  Her- 
ald/' under  date  of  April  8, 1868,  gave  the  following  copy 
of  a  card  issued  by  the  Ku-Klux  Klan,  an  ex-rebel  secret 
organization  of  impecunious  political  ruffians,  — 

S 


K.  K.  K.  K.  K.  K. 

GRAND  ORDER  OF  DEO,  DIV.  29. 

Bloody  month,  cloudy  moon. 

Death  !  Death  !  to  traitors  ! 

"  The  negro  must  be  eaten  raw ;  blood  and  clotted  gore," 

is  our  motto. 

Our  last  day  will  come,  then  apostates  and will  die 

to  be  bloody  food  for  the  Ku-Klux  Klan. 

We  come  !  We  come  !  The  Ku-Klux  Klan, 

To  avenge  the  wrongs  of  our  fellow-man  ! 

Fallen  patriots  !  Assemble  at  a  dis  mala  halla  nexta  darka 

moona. 

I.  P.  G.  G.  C.  K.  K.  K. 


IV.       ' 

SPEECH    OF    JUDGE    NELSON,    OF   TENNESSEE,    FOR    THE   DEFENCE,    IN    THE 
HIGH  CODKT  OF  IMPEACHMENT,  THURSDAY,  APRIL  23,  1868. 

Mr.  Chief  Justice  and  Senators:  —  I  have  been  en- 
gaged in  the  practice  of  mj  profession  as  a  lawyer  for  the 
last  twenty  years,  and  I  have,  in  the  course  of  my  some- 
what diversified  professional  life,  argued  cases  involving 
life,  liberty,  property,  and  character.  I  have  prosecuted 
and  defended  every  species  of  crime  known  to  law,  from 


APPENDIX.  271 

murder  in  the  first  degree  down  to  simple  assault;  but  in 
rising  to  address  you  to-day  I  feel  that  all  the  cases  in  which 
I  was  ever  concerned  sink  into  comparative  insignificance 
when  compared  to  this  one;  and  a  painful  sense  of  the 
magnitude  of  the  case  in  which  I  am  now  engaged,  and  of 
my  inability  to  meet  and  to  defend  it  as  it  should  be  defend- 
ed, oppresses  me  as  I  rise  to  address  you.  But  I  would 
humbly  invoke  the  Great  Disposer  of  events  to  give  me  a 
mind  to  conceive,  a  heart  to  feel,  and  a  tongue  to  express 
those  words  which  should  be  proper  and  fitting  on  this  great 
occasion. 

If  it  is  true,  as  is  alleged,  that  the  President  is  guilty 
of  all  these  things, — if  he  be  guilty  of  one  tithe  of  the 
ofiences  which  have  been  imputed  to  him  in  the  opening 
argument,  and  which  have  been  iterated  and  reiterated  in 
the  argument  of  yesterday  and  to-day, — then  I  am  willing 
to  confess  that  he  is 

"  A  monster  of  such  frightful  mien, 
That  to  be  hated  needs  but  to  be  seen." 

I  am  willing  to  admit  that  if  he  was  guilty  of  any  of  the 
charges  which  have  been  made  against  him,  he  is  not  only 
worthy  the  censure  of  this  Senate,  but  you  should  place 

"  A  whip  in  every  honest  hand 
To  lash  him  naked  through  the  land." 

He  should  be  pointed  at  everywhere  as  a  monster  to  be 


272  THE  axdy's  mountains. 

banished  from  society,  and  his  name  should  become  a  word 
to  fricrhten  children  with  throuo-hout  the  land  from  one  end 
to  the  other,  and  when  any  one  should  meet  him  or  see 
him, 

**  Each  particular  hair  to  stand  on  end, 
Like  quills  upon  a  fretful  porcupine." 

If  he  was  there,  I  agree  that  neither  I  nor  those  associ- 
ated with  me  can  defend  him.  But  who  is  Andi'ew  John- 
son? Who  is  this  man  that  you  have  on  trial  now,  and  in 
regard  to  whom  the  gaze,  not  only  of  "little  Delaware,", 
but  of  the  whole  Union,  and  of  the  civilized  world,  is  di- 
rected at  the  present  moment?  Who  is  Andrew  Johnson? 
That  is  a  question  which  but  a  few  short  years  ago  many 
of  those  I  now  addi'ess  could  have  answered  with  pleasure. 
Who  is  Andrew  Johnson?  Go  to  the  town  of  Greenville, 
but  a  few  short  years  ago  a  little  village  in  the  mountains 
of  East  Tennessee,  and  you  will  see  a  poor  boy  entering 
that  village  a  stranger,  without  acquaintance  or  friends, 
following  an  humble  mechanical  pursuit,  scarcely  able  to 
read,  unable  to  write,  but  yet  industrious  in  his  profession, 
honest  and  faithful  in  his  dealings  and  having  a  mind  such 
as  the  God  in  heaven  implanted  in  him,  and  which  was 
designed  to  be  called  into  exercise  and  play  before  the 
American  people. 

It  is  true  that  clouds  and  darkness  gathered  around  him 
for  the  moment,  but  they  soon  passed  away  and  were  for- 
gotten, — 


APPENDIX.  278 

"  Like  some  tall  cliflf  that  lifts  its  awful  form, 
Swells  to  the  vale,  and  midway  meets  the  storm. 
Though  round  its  breast  the  rolling  clouds  are  spread, 
Eternal  sunshine  settles  on  its  head." 

Etc.,  etc.,  etc. 


V. 


DEBATE  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  REPRESENTATIVES,  SATURDAY,  MAY  2D,  1868,  A3 
REPORTED  IN  THE  PAPERS  OF  THE  DAY, 

The  letter  of  Mr.  Washburne  having  been  read  bj  the 
clerk,  Mr.  Donnelly  remarked  that  he  was  certainlj  justi- 
fied in  the  declarations  he  had  made  that  the  annals  of 
Congress  presented  no  parallel  to  that  letter,  and  he  thought 
he  should  establish  that  there  were  in  that  letter  twenty- 
three  distinct  statements  which  were  twenty-three  distinct 
falsehoods.  He  should  attempt  to  deal  with  them  as  rap- 
idly as  possible.  Mr.  Donnelly  went  on  to  explain  that  he 
had  only  received  the  draft  of  the  bill  on  the  2d  of  March; 
that  he  had  asked  leave  to  introduce  it  on  the  20th ;  that 
Mr.  Washburne  had  objected;  that  he  (Mr.  Donnelly)  had 
then  gone  to  Connecticut  to  aid  the  Republican  party  in  the 
canvass  in  that  State.  He  expressed  his  belief  that  the 
objection  made  by  Mr.  Washburne  had  sprung  from  per- 
sonal and  malicious  motives,  and  remarked  that  that- 
gentleman  could  not  speak  the  truth  when  the  truth  would 
best  serve  his  purpose.     Having  referred  to  and  examined 


274  TU   BRUTE-AL. 

Other  points  in  Mr.  Washburne's  letter,  Mr.  Donnelly  went 
on  to  speak  of  Mr.  "Washburn,  of  Wisconsin,  as  ' '  mousing 
around ' '  in  reference  to  some  other  bill. 

The  Speaker  interrupted,  and  said  that  that  was  not 
parliamentary  language  toward  a  member  who  was  absent, 
and  who  was  not  involved  in  the  controversy. 

Mr.  DoxxELLY  said  he  would  withdraw  the  remark. 

Mr.  Washburxe  (rep.),  of  111.,  expressed  the  hope  that 
the  party  would  be  allowed  to  go  on. 

Mr.  DoxNELLY,  after  passing  from  that  point,  referred 
to  the  charge  in  Mr.  Washburne's  letter  that  his  (Mr. 
Donnelly's)  opposition  to  the  bill  offered  some  time  since 
by  Mr.  Washburn,  of  Wisconsin,  to  reduce  fares  on  the 
Pacific  Railroad  might  be  attributed  to  the  fact  that  he  had 
a  free  pass  to  ride  over  the  road,  and  declared  that  he  had 
never  ridden  over  a  mile  of  the  road,  and  did  not  expect  to 
until  it  was  completed  from  the  Mississippi  to  the  Pacific. 
It  would  be  a  consolation  then  to  know  that  this  mighty 
work  had  been  resisted  and  opposed  by  every  blatant,  loud- 
voiced,  big-breasted,  small-headed,  bitter-hearted  dema- 
gogue in  all  the  land.  (Laughter  on  both  sides  of  the 
chamber.)  Referring  to  the  charge  made  against  him  in 
Mr.  Washburne's  letter  of  his  being  an  "oflScial  beggar," 
Mr.  Donnelly  said,  ''An  official  beggar!"  and  that  from  a 
gentleman  bearing  the  name  which  he  does  !  Et  tu  Brute! 
^'  An  official  beggar ! "  Why,  Mr.  Speaker,  when  I  entered 
the  State  of  Minnesota,  it  was  Democratic ;  when  I  entered 
the  country  in  which  I  live  it  was  two  to  one  Democratic. 


APPENDIX.  275 

I  asked  no  officGj  —  I  expected  none.  But  the  charge 
comes  from  such  a  quarter  that  I  cannot  fail  to  notice  it. 
The  gentleman's  family  are  chronic  office-beggars.  They 
are  nothing  if  thej  are  not  in  office.  Out  of  office  they 
are  miserable,  wretched,  God-forsaken,  —  as  uncomfortable 
as  that  famous  stump-tailed  bull  in  fly-time.  (Laughter.) 
This  whole  trouble  arises  from  the  persistent  determination 
of  one  of  the  gentleman's  family  to  sit  in  this  body.  Every 
young  male  of  the  gentleman's  family  is  born  into  the 
world  with  ''  M.  C."  franked  on  his  broadest  part. 
(Laughter.)  The  great  calamity  seems  to  be  that  God 
in  his  infinite  wisdom  did  not  make  any  of  them  broad 
enough  to  make  room  for  ''  U.  S.  S."  (Laughter.) 
There  was  room  for  ''  U.  S.,"  but  the  other  S.  slipped 
over  and  "  U.  S.  &  Co."  is  the  firm.     (Laughter.) 

The  Speaker  interrupted  Mr.  Donnelly  and  reminded 
him  that  his  language  was  beyond  the  usual  limit  of  par- 
liamentary propriety. 

Mr.  Washburne  again  expressed  his  desire  that  the 
''  party  "  should  be  permitted  to  go  on. 

Mr.  Donnelly  said  he  was  sorry  to  transgress  the 
proper  limits  of  debate,  but  the  House  would  perceive  that 
the  character  of  the  letter  on  which  he  was  commentinar 
made  him  speak  under  such  feeling 

He  has  lowered  by  his  wholesale,  reckless  assaults  on 
the  honor  and  character  of  the  members  the  standard  of  this 
body  ;  he  has  furnished  arguments  for  the  wit  of  Dan  Kice ; 


276  MUTUAL   ADMIEEATION. 

he  has  furnished  substance  for  the  slanders  of  the  pothouse. 
Mr.  Speaker,  I  need  enter  into  no  defence  of  the  Fortieth 
Congress.  In  point  of  intellect,  of  devotion  to  the  public 
welfare,  of  integrity,  of  personal  character,  it  will  compare 
favorably  with  any  Congress  that  ever  sat  since  the  foun- 
dation of  thfi  government.  It  is  illustrated  by  names  that 
would  do  honor  to  any  nation  in  any  age  of  the  world.  If 
there  be  in  our  midst  one  low,  sordid,  vulgar  soul,  —  one 
barren  of  mediocre  intelligence,  —  one  heart  callous  to 
every  kindly  sentiment  and  to  every  generous  emotion,  — 
one  tongue  leprous  with  slander,  —  one  mouth  which  is  like 
unto  a  den  of  foul  beasts,  giving  forth  deadly  odors,  —  if 
there  be  here  one  character  which,  while  blotched  and 
spotted,  yet  raves  and  rants,  and  blackguards  like  a 
prostitute,  —  if  there  be  here  one  bold,  bad,  empty, 
bellowing  demagogue,  it  is  the  gentleman  from  Illi- 
nois  

Mr.  Washburne  said :  During  my  entire  time  of  ser- 
vice in  this  House  I  have  never  asked  leave  to  make  a 
personal  explanation,  and  I  never  expect  to.  The  party 
from  Minnesota  has  had  the  letter  which  I  wrote  to  a  gen- 
tleman in  that  State  read  to  the  House,  and  it  goes  upon 
the  records  of  the  House  and  on  the  records  of  the  country, 
and  there  it  will  remain  for  all  time.  Every  assertion 
made  in  that  letter  is  true,  and  whoever  says  it  is  not  true 
states  what  is  false.  If  I  were  called  upon  —  and  I  desire 
only  to  say  that  if  I,  under  any  operation  of  circumstances, 


APPENDIX.  277 

were  ever  called  upon, — to  make  a  personal  explanation  in 
reply  to  a  member,  it  would  not  be  to  a  member  who  had 
committed  a  crime  ;  it  would  not  be  to  a  member  who  had 
run  away;  it  would  not  be  to  a  member  who  had  changed 
his  name;  it  would  not  be  to  a  member  whose  whole 
record  in  this  House  is  covered  with  venality,  corruption, 
and  crime. 

The  Speaker  reminded  the  gentleman  that  his  remarks 
were  not  parliamentary,  etc.,  etc. 

Finally,  a  committee  was  appointed  to  investigate  the 
charges  made  in  Mr.  Washburne's  letter,  and  Mr.  Donnelly 
informed  the  members,  that,  if  it  were  not  unparliament- 
ary, he  would  ask  them  all  to  take  a  drink  ! 

THE   END. 


#-• 


A. VERY  aLIBTJiT. 

A    BOMANCB. 

BY   OBPMJEUS   C.    KERB. 

One  volume.    8vo.  Cloth,  $1.75;  or  in  paper  covers,  $1.50. 

From  the  lioicnd  Table. 

"  ■  with  all  the  highlv-wrouglit  interest  of  sensational  fiction,  yet  with  a 
delicacy  that  remains  luitulfied  by  associations  an  inferior  writer  would  have 
avoided  as  the  only  mc:in3  of  preserving  the  purity  of  his  pages,  the  story  leads 
us  through  a  diversity  of  scenes  which  the  keen  observation  and  educated  eye 
of  the  artist  alone  could  put  before  us  —  the  foibles  of  tlie  noureatix  riches,  of 
the  shopkeeping  and  political  aristocracy  of  New  York;  the  penetralia  of  Bohe- 
mia, of  tiie  Albany  lobby  and  tlie  Five  roints;  of  tiie  theatres  and  newspaper 
offices  and  garabiing-liells  of  the  city;  the  parlors  of  refinement  and  wealth,  and 
of  rich  vulgarity;  vice  in  purple  and  fine  linen  about  the  green  cloth,  and  vice 
in  squalor  and  nakedness  in  the  groggeries  of  Cowl3ay;  knavery  of  high  and 
low  degree  —  a  phautasmngoric  view  of  metropolitan  life,  with  such  resources 
of  the  incongruous,  grotesque,  and  pitiful,  of  hilarity  and  tenderness,  as  even 
Mr.  Dickens  has  not  more  strikingly  merged.  And  it  is  difficult  to  determine 
wherein  the  author's  power  is  greatest.  His  constructive  skill,  his  dramatic 
eflect,  his  satirical  insight,  his  fervid  descriptions  of  scenes  of  grandeur  and  of 
horror,  his  humor,  wit.  pathos,  the  depths  of  passion,  of  sympathy,  even  of 
tenderness,  — the  combination  of  these  attests  a  more  universal  genius,  a  larger 
nature,  than  we  supposed  was  to  be  found  among  American  novelists." 

.  .  .  It  is  the  work  of  a  ripe  intellect,  and  to  it  the  author  has  given  his  ma- 
turest  powers,  and  his  long,  unwearied  labor.  AYe  welcome  it  to  a  high  place  in  our 

f)ermanent  literature,  and  recognize  it  as  one  of  the  very  ablest  novels  that  the 
ast  decade  has  produced.  —  N.  Y.  Citizen. 

.  .  .  We  have  determined  to  read  it,  for  the  reason  that  no  "puff  "  of  the 
book  has  yet  appeared  in  print,  notwithstanding  the  fact  that  the  author's  posi- 
tion as  a  journalist  affords  him  unusual  opportunites  for  securing  favorable  men- 
tion of  his  book  by  the  press.  — A^  Y.  Com.  Advertiser. 

...  In  some  parts  it  is  worthy  of  Dickens,  or  AYUkie  Collins,  or  of  An- 
thony TrollopQ.  —  Memphis  Avalanche. 

...  As  a  satirist,  the  author  reminds  us  of  Addison.  His  satire  is  keen 
without  malevolence,  and  witty  Avithout  spleen.  As  an  interpreter  of  the  lan- 
guage of  action,  tone,  and  gesture,  he  is  equalled  only  by  Dickens.  —  Rochester 
Union. 

...  To  Mr.  Newel  (Orpheus  C.  Kerr)  we  unhesitatingly  accord  a  place 
second  to  no  other  American  novelist,  and  there  are  few  upon  the  other  side  of 
the  water  who  in  one  work  of  fiction  have  displayed  a  more  marvellous  and  ver- 
eatile  genius.  —  Lafayette  (Ind.)  Courier. 

.  .  .  The  scene  in  the  chamber  of  the  dying  Bohemian,  Le  Mons,  where  the 
old  Atheist,  unable  to  pravv  gives  V'ent  to  his  agonized  feelings  in  a  feeble  at- 
tempt to  trill  out  a  few  lines  of  a  hymn  — possibly  the  last  fleeting  reminiscence 
of  an  innocent  childhood  — and  his  fellow  Bohemians,  one  with  a  dog  on  his 
lap,  another  with  a  violin  in  his  fingers,  and  a  third  with  a  pack  of  cards  half  out 
of  his  pocket,  humbly  and  solemnly  joining  in  the  strain  —  has  for  depth  of  feel- 
ing and  grotesqueness  scarce  an  equal  in  the  whole  range  of  English  literature. 
—  Triibner's  (^London)  Literary  Itecord. 

*^*  This  book  is  sold  everywhere,  and  will  be  sent  by  mail,  postage  free, 
on  receipt  of  price,  $2.00. 

G.  W.  CAHIjETON,  Publisher, 

497  Broadway,  New  Yobk. 


THE   ORPHEUS  C.    KERR  PAPERS. 

FIRST,   SECOND,  JJfD   THIRD   SERIES. 

3  Vols.  r2MO.  Cloth.  Price  $1.50  each. 
These  inimitable  specimens  of  American  Wit  and  Humor  may  be 
justly  spoken  of  as  world-renowned  ;  for,  in  addition  to  their  sale  of 
upwards  of  fifty  thousand  copies  in  this  country,  there  have  been  no  less 
than  four  rival  editions  of  them  published  in  England.  The  following 
extracts  from  genuine  criticisms  show  that  the  "  Papers  "  enjoy  the 
hearty  commendation  of  the  highest  critical  authorities  in  either  country. 

From  the  London  Athenceiim,  in  a  three-column  revieio. 

"We  opened  his  ('Orplieus  C.  Kerr's')  volume  with  some  misgiving,  some 
dread  lest  wrong  should  be  done  to  the  honest  who  survived,  or  the  brave  who 
have  gone  down  on  either  side  in  the  great  American  struggle.  We  speedily, 
however,  found  ourselves  reassured.  Mr.  Newell  has,  perhaps,  an  occasional 
hard  hit  at  the  Soutlierners;  but,  taken  altogether,  he  is  pretty  impartial,  and 
scatters  his  jokes  wherever  he  tinds  anything  that  can  justify  him  in  flinging 
them  about.  The  weaknesses,  follies,  eccentricities,  blunderings  and  vices  or 
human  nature,  as  exhibited  by  the  smaller  men  iu  tlie  late  great  struggle,  are 
fair  game  for  him,  and  probably  no  men  will  laugh  more  sincerely  than  those  at 
whom  iVIr.  Newell  latighs  most  loudly  himself.  In  short,  he  makes  mirth  out 
of  that  which  affords  so  much  food  for  mirth,  in  similar  circumstances,  here  at 

home For  prose,  rhymes,  parodies,  and  some  good  common 

sense  uttered  under  the  mask  of  satire,  tliis  volume  may  be  commeuded  to  the 
notice  of  all  holiday-makers  this  Christmas  tide." 

.  .  .  The  great  success  of  the  volumes  of  burlesque  war-correspondence  by 
"  Orpheus  C.  Kerr''  (Robert  H.  Newell)  has  placed  him  at  the  liead  of  American 
humorists.  Yet  it  would  be  doing  him  Injustice  to  consider  him  as-  a  mere 
jester.  He  is,  rather,  a  keen  satirist,  who  uses  wit  as  the  means  of  giving 
greater  force  to  criticisms  just  and  needful,  and  wider  currency  to  thoughts  of 
weight  and  value.  —  New  York  Independent. 

.  .  .  He  seizes  the  acme  of  the  ludicrous  as  directly  as  Crockett  himself. — 
nound  Table. 

.  .  .  The  writer  of  the  "  Orpheus  C.  Kerr  Papers  "  has  struck  an  original 
vein  of  humor,  and  works  it  with  decided  effect.  —  New  York  Evening  J'ost. 

.  .  .  The  reader  enjoys  the  vein  of  the  author  ^\-ith  a  feeling  akin  to  that 
with  which  the  public  revelled  in  the  Pickwick  Papers  when  they  lirst  ap- 
peared. —  Wilkes^  Spirit. 

.  .  .  We  have  laughed  over  some  of  Orpheus's  letters  until  our  sides  ached 
with  the  pleasant  emotion.  Their  wit  and  humor  were  so  original  and  racy,  and 
their  broad  burlesque  so  queer  and  good-natured,'that  we  laughed  even  when  we 
wished  to  be  sober  and  serious. —  Providence  Journal. 

.  .  .  This  humorous  historian  of  the  War  ranks  highest  amongst  the  wits 
and  satirists  of  America,  and,  since  Thackeray  died,  has  no  living  rival  in  the 
realm  of  English  humorous  literature.  —  California  Golden  Era. 

.  .  .  It  is  noticeable,  too,  that  this  author's  eccentricities  never  degenerate 
into  "  slang;  "  his  wit  is  always  that  of  a  scholar,  and  his  satire  that  of  a  gen- 
tleman.  —  New  York  Leader. 

.  .  .  They  (the  "Papers")  stir  one  upas  carbonic  acid  gas  will.  They 
pull  our  sides  out  into  jovial  convexity. —  Milwaukie  Sentinel. 

.  .  .  Although  they  take  a  professedly  comic  \-iew  of  men  and  things,  the 
reader  will  detect  an  undercurrent  of  deep  thought  and  even  sorrowful  reflection 
on  the  great  events  of  the  day,  which  render  them  particularly  attractive  and 
suggestive.  —  New  York  Sun. 

.  .  .  Among  the  good  effects  of  the  late  war  in  America  is  the  intercourse 
—  social  and  intellectual  — which  it  has  promoted  between  the  United  fetates 
and  England.  This  is  abundantly  proved  by  the  quantity  of  American  books  of 
humor  — lor  the  most  part  in  blazing  red  or  yellow  covers  —  wJiich  stare  u->  in 
the  face  in  all  the  booksellers'  windows.  Some  are  good ;  some  bad.  The  good 
ones  —  including  the  "  Bigelow  Papers,"  the  "Autocrat  of  the  BreakJfast  Table," 
Artemus  Ward,  and  the  "Orpheus  C.  Kerr  Papers"  —  are  very  good.  —  London 
Star.  "  Literatfire  of  1865." 

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A  Catalogue  of 

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ISSUED  BY 

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Af 


There  is  a  h?id  of  physiognomy  in  the  titU^ 
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men,  by  which  a  sktful  observer 
mill  know  as  well  what  to  ex- 
pect from  the  one  as  the 
other,** — Butler. 


••> 


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RARE  BOOK 
COLLECTION 


THE  LIBRARY  OF  THE 

UNIVERSITY  OF 

NORTH  CAROLINA 

AT 

CHAPEL  HILL 

Wilmer 
830 


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